Two colours in the same rose!

We have in our garden three rose bushes and another shrub which give flowers of different colours. It is a surprise and yet common in plant kingdom.

One comment I often hear from parents is,'why is our two children are different in behaviour'!

Our children represent our genetic and behaviour orientation.  They would carry with them some traits and behaviour profile of their parents or grandparents or great grandparents. How much of what they inherited from each of the genetic orientation is a deciding factor for their behaviour. Now the theory of epigenetics gives us yet another understanding of the impact of the environment in which children grow up.

In one family, their first child was born when the parents were in their late twenties in India and the second child was born in the Unites States when they were in the early thirties. When the first child was born the parents lived in a joint family and the mother was at home. The father worked overseas and came for holidays only twice a year each time for fifteen days. The child went to Anganwadi at three years and began pre-school at four years. The second child was born when mother too went to work and lived in the United states. She was in child care from nine months of age and they lived in the United States in a multicultural environment. There was a five year difference between the two children. When the family visited us, they talked about the first child as being impulsive and getting into trouble in the school and the second child being playful and not so serious about her academic learning.

The first child had to adapt to schooling in the United states and the second child grew up when both parents were adjusting in a across cultural situation.   

There is a science and art of parenting. The science of parenting is largely governed by the developmental sequences of children. All children have a developmental trajectory which would need appropriate support from the environment. 

The art of parenting is to sense the mood and behaviour of children and get to sense the unspoken needs of children and pay attention to them creatively and compassionately. This calls for living with a sense of presence and nearness to children. I am afraid, it is this which is difficult for parents as the house keeping, work related matters, social responsibilities, etc. preoccupy parents. 

I suspect that some parents have a feeling of 'failed parenting' when their children grow up different from their expectations. I hope parents would resist blaming themselves.

It is because children chose from the multiple influences that have come upon their lives. Their choice determines their journey path and formation. The influence of parents is only one of such influences, although wise parenting would focus on formation of children with diligence and focussed parenting style where children alone matter for parents in their growing up years. The career driven parents cannot expect children to be saintly in their behaviour as they too get influenced by the choices parents make to prosper themselves and live with acquisitive consciousness.

In all families siblings would be different behaviourally and socially. However attentive parents who would place children in the centre of their living would have greater influence in the evolution of conduct and character of their children.

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)