Prudent living!

A squirrel knows where to find its food!

They often find out the seasonal fruits in any garden!

The thousands of migrant workers living an working in Kerala come from different part of North India. I know a few who live in our village, who spent ten years in our village. They take a two week break every three months to stay in touch with tier families. 

One of them was able to earn enough to make a small house and gain a bank deposit to send his son to school and college. 

There is a pressure to find a livelihood, whether one has university education or is a school drop out.  

Ou expectations from life has gone up. 

The job opportunities are not proportionately going up. There are job losses recently as an economic stagnation has set in, in India. 

The recent policies of the federal government in New Delhi seem to favour the industrialists and richer segment of the population. 

Those less fortunate seem to suffer and feel threatened by the increase in the cost of living. 

Our's is becoming an unequally placed economy!

Even to get treatment in a hospital, an economically disadvantaged would find it burdensome. 

When I see the trend in the churches to build ornamental and architecturally ancient edifices to meet for worship, I wonder whether the church has lost sight of the needy in our community, whose needs ought to be our priority than building imposing structures! A spiritually alive community thinks of others before upscaling the comfort level for themselves !

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Teenagers of today!

I have some opportunities to be involved with teenagers in my place of work. I have had  some pleasantly surprising experiences recently during my contact with them.

Two boys talked about their habit of foregoing two meals a week and transferring the saved cost of the food to a children’s home, which they visit once a month and spend an evening with the children at the home. They come back refreshed from their visit knowing how the children live contented lives in spite of having to grow up without parents who died due to AIDS or natural calamities. The children continue to challenge them to live more prudently rather than getting carried away by the fancies and fantasies of adolescence.

Three girls spent all the days of their extended week end designing and decorating a children’s resource centre and made the place visually friendly for children. They keep dropping in to be involved with the children during the weekly play group.

Three other students got involved to help a family  who needed assistance to send their son to vocational training and continue to support his education.

I came across an initiative by the students to make the campus green and be free of plastic waste, which is making some impact.

Anna was able to get 23 medical students to register with the indian Council of Medical Research to do a small research project during their third year of medical study.

Yes, teenaged have their mind of their own and can go either way: in  a creative way or self seeking way.

It is for this reason, they would need mentoring. To accompany them thoughtfully and staying with then in their ups and downs is worth it because such acts of kindness would make a change in their lives. I wonder whether we make enough ti me to do this!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Closed or open !

As I watched this butterfly in the garden yesterday, I saw its different wing movements. The wings were closed for most of the time when it was still and opened the wings that too partially occasionally. To be able to watch a butterfly closely for a while is a rare experience. So I waited till it moved away.

The occasional opening  of the wings revealed its rich design and eye-catching colour texture. Its  appearance was subdued when the wings were closed.

That set in motion a train of thoughts in my mind. Having spent thirty five years in treating children as a doctor, I have often been intrigued by the level of openness of children for conversation and interaction. By the time they are in their teens, they choose to remain closed or open with others.

Just as the butterfly choose to open its wings depending on its perception of the wind, humidity, external threat, so too the adolescents choose their level of openness in different situations.

During a conversation with four teenage children recently, they asked me a searching question: ‘How can our parents expect us to be open to them, when they hide so much of themselves from us! They have been distant from us in our growing up years due to their preoccupation with work, that we are not near enough to them to open ourselves. The more they press us to be open, the more we like to remain closed ’.

To my searching question, ‘How can parents help you to be open’, one of them said, 'they need to stay close to us when we are growing up. We cannot be open to them instantly’.

I have noticed a mother and her two early school going daughters bi-cycling regularly. The mother is taking the effort to stay close to her daughters. I met a mother and her teenage daughter on bicycles. When I met one of them recently and mentioned about their cycling routine, she said, ‘we both have been close to each other and we enjoy our conversations’.

How much our children are open to us during the teen age years is predetermined by the openness we have built up from the early childhood.

In that sense parenting is a responsibility as well as a privilege! Our habit of relating to our children when they are young is seminal to creating a desire in our children to be open to us!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Teenage friendships

The same gender friendships during teenage years has a special formative influence on the adulthood later.

Both boys and girls in teenage years are looking for their identity, affirming friendships, belonging and acceptance.

Most parents offer this in good measure. The teenage children seem to lose intimacy of contact with their parents and drift towards their friends. This is a vulnerable time when relationships with the opposite gender can take more than social friendships. Although I feel that attraction towards the opposite gender is normal, the response ought to be disciplined and measured.

One way to protect oneself from being overtaken by intense emotional engagement with the opposite gender is to develop meaningful, trusting and communicating friendships with people from the same gender. It provides nearness to share emotional and personal needs and offers a good buffer to stay on course without getting buffeted by peer pressure. Such friendships with two or three people will go a long way to have a companionship for emotional stability and sense of belonging.

The teenagers tend to feel that they are neither rooted in their homes nor are free to be independent. During this in between stage of life, friends from the same gender group can help in developing mature approach to challenges, opportunities and difficulties in life.

When we see some ten agers showing a reactive streak or rebellious spirit, remember that they are seeking for acceptance and belonging. They behave that way to express their inner conflict or fear of the future.

Teenagers need much understanding from adults, teachers and parents. They need loving support as this period in their lives is vulnerable to temptations, deceptions and short comings.

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Attraction and Discernment

One off the pleasant occupations I have is to watch children at play. Most children begin to fix their eyes on attractive items, especially the moving toys between three and four  months. In fact they turn over from the back to the side and to their tummy while attempting to reach out to something that they notice in their vicinity. They are drawn by what attracts them. This is an instinct we carry with us from the time we are born. A baby reaches out to the mother's breast when he or she is hungry as the smell of milk attracts the baby to the mother's breast.

All through infancy and toddler years, most children will try to pick up  even a scorpion, not knowing that it can sting. Only much later, children make sense of the environment through the instruction they receive and gaining from personal experiences.

We are drawn by what attracts us. We choose the attire we wear, the vehicles we buy, films we watch, places we visit, friends we keep, parties we go to, food and drink we consume, etc based on how much we are attracted by these. In all these attractions, there is a hidden self gratification instinct. Sometimes the desire to gratify oneself overtakes the sense of discernment of its value,meaning or long term impact. 

One child who habitually steals money from home, is obsessed with her desire to be with her friends in the canteen at lunch time to have burgers. She is overcome by a passion that blinds her conscience. While listening to her, I realized that although she gets punished for this, it is too strong a pull which gives in to her sense of right and wrong. She found help only, when she was helped to have friends at home and play together with them. She hails from a broken home and a lot had to be changed at home before she was willing to change her pattern.

Let me suggest that, blaming, punishing and increasing the guilt level would not be a reasonable  way to relate to pre-adolescent and adolescent children when they go through seasons in their lives carried away by attractions and temptations. Listening, seeking help from others who may be experienced to help, patience, affirmation when small steps towards change are taken, accompanying them with love, etc. are better alternatives than demanding compliance.

We are always subject to a attractions because we are feeling and sensual beings. What helps us to stay on course is our inner thermostat of moral consciousness and personal spirituality nurtured by habit of prayerful encounter with oneself.

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Adolescent exuberance and aloneness

In my work, I come across adolescent children who want to talk  about their personal lives and private experiences. I come across two behaviors which are common to adolescent children. 

One is exuberance. They seem to carry a sense of excitement about their discoveries of friendships, partying, extracurricular activities of music, dramatics and sports, social networking, community service, etc. They indulge in these activities with passion and enthusiasm. They are being sustained by activities and the pleasure they find from them. They are bored, if the activity profile or frequency were to decline. They need a 'high' experience to feel well. That is when they try out chemical stimuli intermittently or regularly. The down side of such a dependence on a frenzy of activities is, that there is a decremental pleasure from the usual activities and they seek for adventures and wild explorations. They have their favorite film stars, sports icons, media stars, rock stars, etc. whose fancies may drive them to experiment with similar ideas. They go through this period, desperately holding on to pleasures that can sustain them  and by seeking for more of it through risky behavior.    

A 18 year old boy, stole a motor bike and sold it to have a holiday in Andamans, with two of his friends. On arrival back, he was arrested and put into jail. The parents who were from the upper strata of society felt most embarrassed. The boy confessed that it was not for money he diid it , but for the thrill of doing something noteworthy to receive commendation from his friends.  

The other behavior is aloneness. Many adolescents children will go through this period when they withdraw from friends and family members, sometimes even from siblings. They communicate less and avoid participating in activities that they were used to, such as picnics, birthday parties or family gatherings. They find excuses in order to keep to themselves. They may suffer from self-pity, anger, reaction towards teachers or family members for prying on them. They may find others less dependable or trustworthy. This aloneness can slip into loneliness, in which case, it can be a prelude to acute depression. Many go through this period by finding new occupations like, watching movies, listening to movies,  reading books, caricaturing, etc. If this phase is short lived, it can be a means for personal recovery from any trauma of childhood. If it were to prolong, it can create a hostile environment,  which will be too much for the child to cope with.

A family told me how desperate their daughter was to have a puppy when she turned 16. She spent all her time with this puppy while at home. Parents were disturbed by her non-communicating mood. After six months, the parents mentioned to me that their daughter was returning to be herself and the dog seems to have helped her to recover from her grey moods.    

The exuberance and aloneness of adolescence are two extremes, both of which are too risky to be a regular pattern for adolescents children. Adolescents will swing between these two and find their balance and measure of stability often. Some go under this and land themselves in difficulties at work, studies, relationships, etc. 

Parents can contribute to help children in three ways. First is, by listening without questioning or probing. It is necessary to withhold even judgmental comments or opinions till, there is a measure of nearness and confidence, when a child is ready to ask for help or appear to be open to a counsel. We can restore a child to his or her true self by supportive listening.

Second is, by creating opportunities for the adolescent child to feel at home in the family although there are intense disagreements on account of the way the chid dresses, spends money and time or the friends he or she keeps. Our son or daughter does not cease to be so, even when conflicts strain relationships. Parents have to show their resilience and acceptance unconditionally.This is call of parenting.  

Third is, by introducing the child to friends they fee,l can be a companion to them during this turbulent period. Often many children need help but may not want to seek it from parents, with whom they had many disagreements. If these senior friends are non imposing, patient, and listening, most adolescent children will find this support therapeutic and use thisS an anchor for their recovery.

Let me sugget to the adolescent children- guard this season in your life with wise counsels careful planning. It is one season in your life, which can help you to outshine and add resources for life ahead.