Thinking mindfully towards children!

This photo of January 2022, is of a child looking at the photos on display, where children and parents were welcomed in my work place. I do not recall the details of what this child might have been looking at or interested in! This photo reminded me one of the usual experiences when toddlers and pre-school children visited the room. They moved about in the room drawn by different displays and toys in the room. 

This photo reminded me of the room where families came for conversation about their children. 

As child moved about uninhibited in the room and seemed to engage meaningfully most of the times, parents had an opportunity to get an insight about the Child's Corner at home that we often talked about in parent's meetings from 2000. 

A home is also a place for children. Most of the arrangements and order in the rooms are oriented towards adult friendly conveniences. Children  during the infancy, toddler year and pre-school years seek for experiences at home that can give them an exploratory experience to grow in their understanding and play pathway in their learning journey. This learning journey can be enhanced if a child has a space dedicated for him or her with toys, books, craft materials, and a physical setting with a low table and chair for a child to feel comfortable and inviting to engage. A shelf accessible for child to use to store items of interest that he or she gathers will give a child a sense of belonging to the home. The wall can have a white board for scribbling and a bulletin board to display the scribbling or drawing a child does or to display phots of activities a child would have been part of. When such a space, the Child's Corner exists in home a child is drawn towards such a space. It is a place where the siblings spend time exploring and communicating. It also becomes a family corner where parents can also join in with children in promoting their exploratory journey by being engaged to lead them on ! 

It was during the last 30 years of my clinical work, I realised that a room in the work place where parents and children are welcomed can also be made similar to a Child's Corner at home for the child to feel less uncomfortable by the hospital ambience. 

The impressions we create in a child's mind through the environment surrounding them at home or a day care or a pre-school or a hospital consultation room ought to have the ambience of a child friendly setting. The current setting which modern hospital rooms offer to suit the convince of medical professionals appear alien to what a child is naturally comfortable with.

I have a desire to see class rooms accordingly modified to give a child friendly look. During 198-6 to 1997, when Anna and I lived in Chennai, our interactions enabled five schools to adapt the Kindergarten class rooms to seat children in low tables and chairs in groups of four. Such an interactive environment made difference in developing a social ambience which children at that stage needed. This led to using a more child friendly performance audit rather than use the usual grading system for their learning appraisal. 

I sense that parents need help and support to think more practically to make their homes child friendly with a Child's corner !

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Receiving hands !

One of the habits of children is to have their palms open to receive. It is while watching this nature of theirs to receive, it occurred to me that life symbolises stories of receiving from the time a person is conceived and formed in his or her mother's womb. 

The gift of giving and the grace of receiving are intertwined. 

I met a senior citizen in the shopping complex. He bought three packets of roasted cashew nuts. While he was about to get in to the waiting autorikshaw, a person came to greet him. After the conversation, he gave him one packet of the nuts. 

I watched the delight in the faces of the senior citizen and the other person who received the gift. The giver and receiver looked delighted. It reminded me of the gift of giving and grace of receiving!

I noticed that the conversation itself was a gift given to each other! Those three or four minutes of conversation between those two friends appeared to bring cheer to both of them. 

An attitude of openness to hear and listen to a person is the gift we offer. The grace of listening is a feedback to the person on how that person is received and welcomed to speak! 

I realise from few conversations I have on phone, how people wait to receive the gift of being heard! 

I remember the text in the epistle of James in chapter 1, verse, 19, of the New Testament of the Bible, where the author calls for an attitudinal change: 'Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry'(NIV).

I begin the day with an even more desire to have this attitude to grow within me. 

Let me remember those who are waiting to be heard! They wait to receive the gift of listening! 

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

 

Listening to discern by habit !

One innovative practice that became useful in developmental appraisal of laterality or handedness in children, who had motoric developmental delay was to add one objective criterion to the appraisal  process  The weight distribution of the body by making a child stand on two different weighing machines which are calibrated synchronously became a valuable tool to find the difference in the muscle bulk difference between both sides. The use of a dynamometer for measuring the strength of the grip in each hand was another complementary test to help in deciding on the handedness in pre-school children. The two tests together helped in monitoring the clinical evolution of handedness when children had differential neuro-motor findings on each side. It was an objective way to help parents to choose the handedness that was emerging rather than parents insisting on promoting only the right handedness.  

It is now thirty years since this approach evolved to a level of satisfactory objective clarification, which was needed to identify  it as a tool in deciding the handedness in pre-school children. 

It was an observation initially which could evolve into a clinical  evidence by fine tuning the process of appraisal. 

This experience came back to me to suggest that observations can be developed further into valuable source to help in decision making! 

The impressions ought to evolve into evidence if the impressions are to be valid. 

I find this playing a role in behaviour Science. Our impressions or opinions guide us in our thinking and searching. Often those initial thoughts stay without  contributing to the objective evidence. 

I was gathering information about a dispute that needed attention. I realised that both involved in this unsettling dialogue based their rationale on their impressions. The factual state automatically clarified the position and both were regretful of having been influenced by their first impressions. 

The substrate fo our thinking is often influenced by our past experiences. But that alone is not strong enough to form impressions. The facts and truths of the current situation would need to be actively explored. 

Having had an exposure to dispute resolution process, I find that the differences in opinion can lead to argument, disagreement, discordance, dispute, conflict, confrontation and hospitality! 

Of all the practical aspects to avoid a dispute or find a way beyond dispute is strengthening listening and discerning skills. Listening is both an art and skill. 

One challenge I have before me is to listen uninterruptedly even if I have an opinion emerging in my mind or a question to clarify! I find that when a person was listened to uninterruptedly, then that person feels heard and received! That is often a favourable starting point for exploration of the issue for dialogue. 

Listening appears to be one sided externally. But listening with heart is a participatory process in the story of the speaker! 

What facilitates trustful conversation is the attitude, of listening without curiosity or comments but with openness to listen and discern. 

The conversation becomes deeper to be a communion when listening becomes appreciative and facilitatory!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Giving from fullness !

The Sunbird above is a regular visitor to our garden. It makes two or three visits in the morning on different occasions from the dawn. It keeps coming back till it has gathered enough honey. The Hibiscus flowers in two bushes next to each other in the garden are visited by Sunbirds and Bulbuls. 

The Hibiscus plants have enough flowers to feed the Sunbirds. The life of a flower is two or three days, during which time they feed the Sunbirds. 

I visited the collection of photos of children with their parents that I have,  who used to come to the department where I used to wrk. The parents came seeking help for the developmental needs of their children. 

I received a letter from a family who visited to receive help for their child who was not able to walk at three years of age due to spasticity. The family sent the photo of that young man who is now independent and is pursing his education. The remark of the father was: " We felt guided at the right time...". 

Every opportunity of engagement with others is potentially an occasion to make a difference !

What if listening or helping become a demand or a burden!

The 'giving fatigue' is real and every person in a giving role needs to keep a watch on the early signs of that fatigue! 

One way to guard oneself from that downward path is to have a personal audit every week using a self administered check list to keep a track of the changes taking place in the inner ambience. Becoming aware is the first step towards attending to upbuild oneself! 

The personal  debriefing if possible every week is a necessary practice to stay inwardly alert and attentive to one's own wellness. When 'giving' to others is an overflowing experience, the giver stays full even after having given to support others. 

I remember the practice of a counsellor. Every time he is called to listen to others, he takes about three minutes of silence to prepare himself. After welcoming the visitor he would suggest that they have a three minutes of silence. It is during that time the counsellor arrives to be present to the person waiting to talk! The closure of the conversation is also with three minutes of silence, during which time the counsellor arrives back to be present with himself. This cycle of movements and arrivals to be with oneself made a lot of sense to me. Although it is not yet a practice for me, I have a sense of awareness of the value of such pauses to make listening deep and discerning! 

The Hibiscus flower is giving out of its fullness!

That message comes afresh to me is about being attentive to remain well within and not impoverished!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

 

Fruitful trees !

The garden around our cottage has a different look now as the Rambutan trees have fruits that are turning red or yellow. This has brought squirrels back to the garden after having been away for a while. Soon the Bulbuls, Parrots and Bulbuls also would linger on in the garden during the day. It will be a festival time for them. 

This season comes once a year for about two months. We look forward to the fruits to ripen now. The  birds and our friends who visit us would relish the fruit!  

The five trees of Rambutan in our garden are ten years old. Seeing them grow from being saplings to trees who spread out the branches with the rich foliage is a pleasant sight. Now with fruits, the look is even more enchanting! 

The fruitful trees bring the message of living fruitfully! 

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

The mutual education !

These photos of June 2019, when Dulcie was around two years of age, bring back memories of her socialisation intent. She would be comfortable with only few visitors. One of the visitors above was familiar with dogs and their habits and was able to develop a comfortable communication. It was following that,  others in the group felt comfortable to reach out to Dulcie. 

Dulcie now nearing nine years is charming and entertaining, and is comfortable with most visitors. She recognises who are dog friendly and others who are cautious and relates to them correspondingly. 

Anna and I have been surprised by her variable behaviour to suit the comfort zone of those who are not so dog friendly! 

Among twenty families in our neighbourhood, four families keep dogs. 

One family has a board outside on the gate, 'Beware of dog'! I found that message disturbing! To me that board announces a caution only to reinforce a false belief that dogs bite! The two dogs which they keep are generally friendly dogs! 

From our experiences with five dogs over the last thirty five years, we have an impression that humans contribute to form the behaviour of domestic dogs. Most pet dogs have a temperament which can be modulated by our behaviour and training to regulate social their skills. This has a benefit in return to us. We get more even tempered in behaviour. 

We have become familiar with dog habits to some extent that the variable looks of Dulcie can indicate her unspoken need. Her response to our questions is often clear and indicative of her needs. 

With Dulcie and Daphne, Anna and I have got educated about dog habits and needs to some extent! They occupy a space in the routines of our day!

I wish more families would become dog friendly!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

The shared journey !

 

This photo of July 2019 came to my notice today. It was  a gathering of foster students that Anna and I were associated with in the Medical College from where we retired in 2022. We do have some contacts with most of them now. 

During the ten years we were associated with foster students in that Medical College, which was a new experience for students in that Medical College, we experienced a trustful and communicating link with this group. 

During the COVID years when the 'lock down' denied get togethers, we met for on-line for conversation. 

One special event was a weekly meeting of a group of five residents and consultants for fellowship and conversation in a Zoom platform, which led to a formative and life centred conversation time. One existential question we pursued in that conversation was, 'Who are we becoming and what is our desire'! The meetings continued for two years and three of whom stay in touch and refer to that period as a season of discovering the inner dimension of life! 

Most professionals have a chartered pathway for personal journey in work life and family life. They are the essentials we attend to. The work place and family life condition us to 'settle down' to a pathway  of ascendency and stability. 

The purpose of being and doing goes beyond the routines which form  our lives. 

It was during this experience with the on line group Anna and I felt encouraged to keep 'accompanying' a few as a way of relating to them. Five years later, we realise how this form of relating has been mutually uplifting and formative. For us, it was an entrance into a world of realities of younger people. For them, it might have been drawing truths about our lives from our journey in life. 

It was while we were at the Christian medical College, Vellore between 1997 and 2010, we got introduced to the foster parenting practices of medical students. This was a practice that was in existence in CMC from 1947 when the college became co-educational, residential and students joined the college through sponsorship of  from churches and organisations belonging to the Christian Medical College Vellore association. Each faculty family relating to about five to eight students during their five years of undergraduate training became an influence in the lives of students to find a sense of purpose in their life! 

Our experience of this in another medical college helped us to stay connected with students at a time when they were open to being supported and enabled! 

We become who we are because, in our togetherness with others we receive and give to grow!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

The creative stress !

A new season in the garden!

The Rambutan trees are with fruits; the cashew tree is with tender leaves after its fruiting of the year and the Lily plants have a new life with the recent rains giving them a flourishing foliage with a few flowers! 

This season is a transition time in the garden between the summer and the monsoon seasons.

The in-between times bring scenes and thoughts which carry meaning that is worth pondering upon! 

Usually new shoots and leaves appear only after the fruiting season in a tree as the tree converges to form the fruits. Now one Rambutan tree in our garden is giving new shoots, while fruits are still in the early stage.  

It is when trees are stressed they sprout new shoots. The tree attends to nourish the growing fruits and wait to give new shoots till fruits are ripe. 

The photosynthesis of a tree is dependent on its leaves. When the existing leaves have been stretched or distressed by the summer heat and humidity, the tree survives by giving new leaves which are rich in chlorophyll and ready to respond to the sunlight !

This is a good example of creative stress !

What a challenge brings forth is a restorative response. 

I experienced it yesterday in a personal way. With a recent exacerbation of arthritis, my initial response was disappointment as it impairs of some of the routines of my day. I discovered that if movements are done slowly, mindfully and turning the attention of the mind to the site of pain, the discomfort was less and bearable. I was able to find some movements which relax the joint muscles and reduce the muscle spasm. 

What is associated with pain is fear, anxiety and self pity-none of these help. But a sense of wellness or comfort settles in when pain is also befriended. A sense of companionship with pain displaces fear, anxiety and consequently improvement in the range of movement of the painful joint! A local application of a counter irritant and the thermal treatment of the area would have had physical and psychological effects. It was a revealing experience to sense how a stressful situation created a different outlook that reduced the intensity of pain and brought a level of comfort that was a step forward! 

I realise that a stress is a stimulus for pathfinding to stay comfortable!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

The message towards wellness !

The bathing, drying and grooming of a Bulbul are orderly rituasl which I notice on most days in our feeding station! The habitual pattern is a routine for the Bulbuls. 

A keen bird watcher once mentioned to me that Bulbuls travel on an average about fifty kilometres in a day. It begins its flight in the morning after grooming from its resident garden and returns after visiting all the routine flight stations by evening to rest for the night. It is a regular cycle except during the courtship, mating and breeding seasons. 

During its life span of about ten years, the Bulbuls follow a routine which keeps them flight ready.  

They live purposefully focussed on their wellness !

One state government in south India is about to manufacture a new brand of whisky while a new government which took over the governance in another South Indian state has decided to close all bars within 500 meters of the educational institution or places of worship. 

The alcohol or addictive substances get introduced to the youth because social drinking is a habit even in homes! The social approval of this practice gives sanction to young people to publicly consume alcohol with no inhibition or restraint! 

Among the non communicable diseases, the diseases initiated or aggravated by habitual use of alcohol cause serious public health concern! 

The Bulbul birds are not the most intelligent birds among the avians. But they have a wellness pursuit by habit!

Why is that humans with all the enlightenment and information, fall short of taking wellness measures seriously! 

Stay well for a long haul, is the message which the Bulbuls bring to me! 

Is the traction in the evening for a peg of alcohol or for a de-stressing body exercises ! This is a slogan which is popular with the social activists concerned about alcohol dependance! 

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

 

The Presence of memories!

I revisited the collection of photos of flowers from January this year and noticed that some flowers like the three above, did not show the effects of the heat of the day, even when the temperature soared to 36 degree celsius during the day! 

Anna and I received the news of the home call of the mother of a dear friend, whom we have known for forty years now. Widowed at a young age, she was a faithful mother to her son and daughter and stood by them steadfastly during the transitions and movements in their lives. Anna and I have had several occasions to meet her and interact with her during our time in Chennai and later while in Vellore. Her inner strength to live in hope and peace was inspiring. Although she had some intercurrent illnesses for which she needed hospital stay, she persevered in her late eighties to bring encouragement to others. Following a fracture sustained during a fall, she was recovering well. The news of her unexpected deterioration and home call came as a shock to us. 

Anna and I would remember her as one who weathered adversities in life and gave her self to be beside her son and daughter, because of which both have endured difficult situations to grow up as caring people who have been thoughtful towards others. We remember this family with gratefulness and appreciation because the mother and the two adult children weathered different seasons in life to live mindfully of others. 

The terminal transition of absence of a loved one form our midst is a season of loss and grief! What makes that season bearable is the memories and recollections. In this case there is abundance of pleasant and uplifting memories, that the absence becomes an experience of grateful recollections! In one sense it is the physical absence of a loved one which makes memories as a treasure. That is a perpetuation of the presence in another real way! 

It has become a practice for me to take time at the week end to recall pleasant memories of the week and attend to the disappointing experiences in an exercise of self-debriefing to store memories that last in the treasure house of the soul! 

The memories of the goodwill of people remain as formative experiences in life!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Giving for all to receive!

 

Every plant in a garden offers a promise to grow and bear flowers or fruits. 

This promising presence is an invitation to be present to do good!

In the 37th Psalm  of the Bible, David its author made a confession: " I have been young and now I am old. Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken, or his descendants begging bread. All day long he is gracious and lends and his descendants are a blessing" (verses 25-26).

The cycle of having been given to give is the order in nature! 

This was a timely message to ponder upon! 

This promise and hope free us from fretful and stressful habits in life! 

I stay with this thought as I begin this day!

M.V.Mathew(text and photo)

The calling to be 'light and salt' !

The plants keep their rhythm of flowering in the summer months! This  is a sign of their acquired adaptations. 

I find this as a sign of hope in these difficult times when global peace and collaboration stay threatened amidst war and polarisation! 

The plants bloom where they are planted and rooted! 

I receive a few telephone calls each week from Paediatricians to sound out on my thoughts on certain Neuro-developmental situations of children they take care of! I feel moved and encouraged by the enthusiasm and interest with which they pursue beyond the call of their duty to make a difference in the lives of some children and their families. All of them work where there are limitations in terms of facilities to do more tests to come to a clarity on the causal pathway of the clinical situations. What inspires me is the willingness and openness. the paediatricians show to go a second mile to help! Those paediatricians convey a sense of vocation and child friendly orientation! 

A doctor is more than a clinician. He or she is a companion to children and families in times of need! It is such an encouragement that the Paediatricians who call for  conversation have such a spirit of friendly and caring orientation ! 

There is a question in the air about the ethical and thoughtful attitude of doctors! 

It is amidst reasons to suspect the motive of doctors in clinical practice, I have this conversations with a few paediatricians each week call for conversations. I feel moved by their acts of service of loyalty, compassion and mindfulness! 

The climate of behaviour among some doctors might disappoint us. But there are many who bloom where they are placed making a huge difference to find new frontiers in clinical diagnosis and neuro-developmental support! 

The plants above bloom in the summer! 

To all those doctors, who carry the sense of vocation and keep those whom they are called to take care, as the primary motive for their work life, I write this to appreciate their efforts and to affirm that they are 'light and salt' in the health care practice! 

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Understanding behaviour!

It is unlike a Bulbul to fly away from the feeding bowl with a mouthful of food. Most Bulbuls peck and eat as in the first photograph. A Barbet takes mouthful and flies away to the adjacent bush to eat it privately ! There were movements of a squirrel and a Barbet in the vicinity, which I wonder changed the feeding pattern of the a Bulbul! 

The stressful behaviours are different from the usual. 

I know of a mother who found her three years old daughter not sleeping well since starting to attend a day care. On all the three days she goes to the day care, she has had difficulty to sleep. Since mother decided to stay back at the day care with her daughter, that difficulty at bed time faded away. 

There are different stressful behaviours children in the pre-school years manifest! They need attention and careful modulation! When the childhood memories are pleasant and comforting the developmental process of the child is promising and incremental. 

We cannot monitor all the stressful factors. But we can monitor the way the child reacts and support the child during stressful experiences!  The mother mentioned above asks her daughter each day, whether she should stay back at the Day care till she finished for the day! On most days the child is able to stay alone at the day care! What the child needed was a reassurance to adapt to the transition to the day care !

This way of becoming present to the inner world of a pre-school child is one way parents can sense the emotional variability in a child and adapt to give them relief and comfort! 

A behaviour of a pre-school is initially a reaction to the environmental changes ! Most children process them well and adapt! When they take time, what comforts a child is patient engagement for natural transition to arrive at a level  of adaptation!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Creating space for others!

The cable above the feeding station in our garden is a favourite flight station of resident and visiting birds. The flight stations for birds offer birds an opportunity to visit familiar sites and stay in touch with the environmental events. 

The avian orientation is to follow its routine !

They draw signals and sense comfort levels from such practices! They live conditioned by the feed back they receive! 

The summer months offer fruits of all varieties in most gardens. The feeding station in our garden is not therefore frequented by birds. They come to the water bath instead! 

Although we miss the bird calls and social play of birds in our garden, we get more familiar with the avian habits which change according to the seasons. 

The squirrel moved away when a Bulbul pair arrived to the feeding bowl in our garden! The hierarchy of control was evident from the behaviour! 

The possibility of equal opportunities does not still exist in the avian world or among humans! There is enough and more for all. Yet what dominates is control and acquisitiveness to possess and not share even when plenty is left beyond what one would need! 

The current war in Iran is an expression of such a disorderly or distorted world view and mindset! 

It is not lack of resources which perpetuate many to live in hunger or homeless, but lack of mindfulness of many who have plenty! 

That is an attitudinal change worth pursuing after so that fairness and distributive justice become a norm !

M.C. Mathew (text and photo)