Turn taking conversations!

The small birds above in our garden made a difference by their colourful presence.  They were seen only when I looked for them. They were present but less visible as their bird chirps were drowned in the windy and noisy morning! 

The Taylor bird and the Magpie robin sing tunefully and make the garden sound musical in the mornings. 

But these small birds behaved differently as the Mynah with its loud bird calls conveyed a distressed tone! The body language of all the small birds showed a vigilant posture! 

All the Mynah birds in the vicinity gathered at the feeding station following this.

The cacophony that followed only added to the stress of the small birds. Each of them flew away in different directions. 

Those who are loud and dominate by what and how they say can make others feel reduced to be listeners in a group. I experienced this recently when one person wanted to speak all the time. The other six in the group could not find a space to share any thoughts! 

This can happen in a family. The adults can dominate and impose their presence through their opinions or by dominating the conversations. 

I noticed something encouraging while being with a family. The parents involved their two children in mid childhood, by talking about what interested them. The conversation proceeded by equal participation of children. I was impressed by the turn taking style in the conversation which gave children an opportunity to listen and to express. 

We can facilitate conversation or impose others to silence by the monologue! 

A home is a place, where we learn this turn taking rhythm in conversation! 

The imposed presence of the Mynah birds and the silent presence of the small birds in the garden- it was a contrast which brought an awareness about creating space for those who are quiet by habit to become expressive in a group setting! 

I took time to ponder on this: Does my presence and manner of speaking facilitate space, comfort and freedom for others to be themselves and to express themselves! Am an enabler or inhibitor in a group? 

M.C.Mathew ( text and photo)

A dinner table conversation !

Prashant was downloading the photos from his camera while his wife Preethi was getting their five year daughter Priya for dinner after her bath. Priya looked curious seeing several photos of a squirrel feeding in their garden.

Priya raised her voice and said to Prashant, 'Daddy, you see, the squirrel is feeding with both paws. Why are you then asking me to feed with my right hand only'! Prashant was surprised at the observational skill of his daughter. He reviewed the photos. He noticed that the squirrel used both paws to feed. Prashant held Priya close to him and said, 'Sweetie, boys and girls by about five years would have one hand as the dominant hand and the other becomes the companion hand'! Priya was persuasive with her observation. 'Look daddy, the squirrel sits up without any help from the paws in the front. Only adult squirrels can do that. Even an adult squirrel is using both paws to feed. I am still a child and not an adult. So it is alright to use both hands till I am older, is it not so?'

Preethi had by then come to call Prashant and Priya for the evening meal.  Prashant briefed Preethi about the conversation he had with Priya. Priya told Preethi that squirrel feeds with both hands. It was then Prashant noticed something interesting in the photos he had. There were few pictures of the squirrel holding the piece of banana in the right hand while the left hand was a supporting the other hand. In one picture, the squirrel was seen feeding with the right paw. Prashant,  pointing to the photos said to Priya, 'Look at the photos where the squirrel is holding food with right and other photos of using the right paw alone to feed'. Priya was surprised by that, and said, ' Yes, I can also eat food with one hand'! 

At the meal table, that was what Prashant and Preethi noticed. Priya was consciously using the right hand. She could manage well with one hand alone! 

Prashant and Preethi were overwhelmed by this change in Priya that Preethi served ice cream to Priya to make it as a special evening for her. 

After the regular bed time reading, Priya was ready to sleep. That was when Prashant said to her, 'Sweeti, you managed well to eat with one hand' Priya responded by saying, 'When a squirrel could eat with one paw, I knew I too could do so'. Priya received hugs and kisses more than the usual from Prashant and Preethi before she was asleep. 

The subsequent conversation between Prashant and Preethi, revolved around finding more effective ways of communication than repeating or insisting, when they want Priya to do something differently from her inclination! Next morning they were surprised that Priya came running to hug Prashant and Priya on her own!

An issue which gets Priya into defence and argument at meal times over using one hand for feeding, got resolved easily and spontaneously. That was a lesson for Prashant and Preethi to look for alternate means of communication with Priya, which her young mind can align with! They said to themselves: 'Parents need patience and wisdom to engage young children'! 

It was photos of a squirrel that Prashant used which helped in this instance change in the mind set! 

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

The colours of the morning!

 

The garden is a colourful place !

The hue of light at daybreak gives these flowers their brilliance and radiance! Each flower is colourful but its radiance is because of the sunshine upon them! Each flower is naturally colourful. The morning light makes them radiant! 

This is symbolic of human nature. Each of us is inherently a becoming person! That becoming is made possible by the environment of formative influence that comes upon our lives. 

A family is one such formative influence. Anna and I have contacts with some families who make a deliberate choice to support their children in the formative years of their lives. We know of three families where the mothers, although are professionals have stepped back from their professional pursuit, to be fully present to their children while they are still at their early schooling years. These mothers loose almost one decade of their professional pursuit. They make that choice of loss for the sake of 'gaining' their children through their formative process of becoming what they are endowed to be! 

Our children are naturally endowed to grow up to be people of sound conduct and altruistic character! They are enabled to be so when the parental attention is upon them. The first ten years of a child are the critical formative period in the span of their lives till they cross the adolescent years. The upbuilding and upholding parental presence provide the environment for a child to be formed into what they are endowed to be! 

The 'colourfulness' of a home is offered through the graceful presence of the children! A home is the cradle of formation just as the womb of a mother was the home of being born into life !

The flowers of the garden bring colourfulness and radiance ! A home is  such a colourful and radiant place because of children who grow up formatively! 

Parents who deliberatively make the choice to be companions to their children in their formative years invest wisely and prudently. It is the formative process of children at home which would enable them to grow up as those who bring radiance to the life of others and to their own home when they have their families! 

A home is a garden of colourful children! They become radiant through the illuminating presence of parents in their lives. 

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)

Travelling light !

While waiting to cross the road, a heavily loaded truck entered the main road from a side road. Its movement will be slow on a congested road at that peek hour. The other vehicular movements too will be disturbed with its presence on the road! 

There came a flashing thought in to my mind, while watching this sight.  We as humans also travel heavily loaded with our inner feelings, memories, or aspirations. The travel becomes encumbered by disturbances, inhibitions or anxiety! 

'Travel light' was the slogan of the Indian Railways a few years ago. 

How are we to travel light when we encounter emotional upheavals or multiple challenges in life? 

 

The three sources of our inner heaviness are on account of our disappointments, aspirations, or expectations. All of them exist in the domain of our control. 

The interior space when crowded with such thoughts would need liberation !  The exercise of personal debriefing, when one has an inner conversation with oneself to feel liberated from an entrapped mind set is a good practice when done intentionally for a transformative experience ! 

The inner journey is towards inner sanctorum within, where the ambience is peace and goodwill. The clouds of disappointments, aspirations or expectations which descend in our inner being would get carried away, when our attention turns to experience the inner presence  of the companion God.

Listening to one response of a seven year old child of him giving away his birthday gift of a set of clothes to his classmate who did not have enough clothes, opened my eyes to this reality of travelling light. His response when parents reasoned with him was, ' I have enough but my friend does not have even the essential'! The boys's freedom to give away suggested his stronger attachment to friendship than to things. 

That example gave me an insight about another way of living- living relationally! Our needs or burdens become lighter to endure, when we have a mindful attitude towards others and their situations. We cultivate charity by being mindful of others and diffuse the traction of greed or acquisition!  

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

 

 

The message from a garden !

During a recent visit to a mountain village in the Kerala-Tamil Nadu border in the Nilgiri mountains, Anna and I noticed these butterflies in one corner of a wild garden. Their presence made that corner of the garden colourful and vibrant. It looked like a breeding corner for the butterflies. 

Their colours and designs gave the butterflies a distinguished look. They belong to different species and families. Yet they shared a common home. 

This has a lesson for the human species. Historically, humans struggled to dominate over others. The history of wars and invasions tells us the hidden human instinct. However, from that traditions, the nations of the world evolved to become fraternal nations. The Second World War was the result of the resurgence of the pursuit to impose racial dominance. Now after about seventy-five years, we see another resurgence of 'authoritarian' culture returning to dislocate the fraternal spirit of co-existence. 

The lesser beings than the humans discover the pleasure of relational behaviour! Has the human species got entrenched in narrow selfish pursuit of intolerance and aggression to control and possess?

I noticed at the summit of a mountain range, terraced land and two cottages. The coconut plantation surrounded the hill. In a conversation with a professional who retired in his mid forties and came to live in this area 'close to nature' was seeking to live in peace and harmony with nature. 

Amidst all the advances we make in our human pursuit, has peace and wellness for oneself and goodwill towards others got subsumed in the strife to be successful, prosperous and wealthy! 

In the quiet corner of a garden, different species of Butterflies shared a common space to live and flourish! 

The language has shifted from 'saving' to 'investing' when we listen to younger people! Even that has become a reason for strife and stress! 

Stephen Grellet (1773-1855) wrote: " I shall pass through this world but once. Any good therefore that I can do, or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again". 

Stephen Grellet was a French-American Quaker who travelled to different places advocating for prison reform, abolition of slavery and peace. Born into a French nobility, he survived death sentence at the age of 17 years, during French Revolution. He managed to escape prison and fled to Amsterdam, spent time in West Indies and finally landed in New York in 1795. He dedicated his life to global humanitarian work. Raised as a catholic he became an agnostic during his youth. He had a spiritual awakening and joined the Society of Friends (Quakers) in 1976. Grellet became a successful merchant and used his profits to tour north America and Europe to spread the message of peace and reconciliation. It was he along with Elizabeth Fry initiated action, to change the horrific living conditions in the London's Newgate Prison. 

Grellet had a change of heart and was illuminated by the love of God to which he responded by pursuing to bring goodness of God to human hearts. 

He transcended from being possessed by success as a merchant and turned his heart towards people who needed wellness and peace! His was a journey from being 'imprisoned' by his wealth to a life of self emptying to bring wellness to others! 

The serene and jubilant ambience in the butterfly corner awakened me to a new consciousness of interior peace, which is what others too long for themselves ! 

M.C.Mathew (text and photo) 

A way of living!

A squirrel came visiting the feeding station in our garden. It seemed to be an exploratory visit! I noticed that squirrels avoid visiting when the birds are in the vicinity. 

I have observed that squirrels and birds become gradually familiar with each other and are comfortable to be in the feeding station together. 

But they are not co-feeders. They possess the food and eat! 

But the birds share their food with others and co-feed. 

These observations help us in understanding human behaviour, which has variability! 

It is a human instinct to possess and keep. When we come across people who are comfortable to share from what they have, it is a delight because they are showing us the way we are called to live!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

 

The inner and the outer !

 

I observed the habits of birds, when they are perched hedges on a tree. Most birds find a secure place as in the first two photographs to hold on to a resilient branch. The next three photos show the Mynah was perched on a slender branch. 

It was, then it occurred to me that the Mynah did not need a strong branch to perch on t feel secure. It relied on its ability to fly and protect itself in case the slender branch gave way. 

What a consoling thought!

The resilience to stay safe is in the wings of the birds and not governed by the strength of the twig the bird is perched upon. 

That brought an inner conversation within me about the way I am used to view difficult situations! 

The recent example has been when I was caught in a traffic hold up. With little space to left to have a choice except to follow the vehicle in front, I noticed some honking, some others breaking the queue and moving forward when there was a little space to make a force entry, and some others waiting patiently. 

The impatience of many and the patience of some became a lesson to ponder upon!

When do we grow in patience! It is when there is a quiet and gentle confidence, comfort and trust that one is able to negotiate through a difficult situation. The impatient behaviour is an indication of stress or turmoil, often a sign of preoccupation with oneself! When the attitude of 'me, myself and mine' dominates we lose sight of what is beyond and attempt to press forward by grabbing what one is wanting! 

This inner orientation of comfort and hope is what gives many resilience. The external situation can be hostile or stressful! But that does not become a reason to pursue a path for oneself unmindfully of others! 

A bird's strength is in its flight. 

Its strength is both inherited and acquired. A bird is born to fly and develops the flying skills by practice. 

That is a thought that inspires me. Each of us is endowed with skills and abilities. How early we discover them and exercise them to allow the unfolding of them is a personal choice each of us has to make. 

After about 25 years of having had an interest in birds and flowers and used photography to capture the scenes that called my attention, I realise how reflection on birds and flowers became an inner upbuilding experience in life. Most of the blogposts in this blog are narratives related to birds and flowers. 

The reflections on this blog contributed to the inner growing experience during these years. 

Some of the difficult and turbulent experiences in life occurred during  these 25 years. The inner fortitude that a reflective learning journey offered protected me from the adversity of situations. 

The inner strength is God's gift as much as we receive them and internalise them! 

The bird's strength is in its flying! 

Our strength is in our openness to God!

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)