Becoming present to the other!

The meal time of the two Bulbuls at the feeding station in our garden, looked like the Bulbuls becoming present to each other! There was a nearness and mutual communicativeness that they conveyed in their body language. The silent pauses between feeding had a meaning that made the meal time an experience of communication! There was an affirming nearness!

The becoming of a human family too has many such endearing experiences. I recall the conversation time around the meal time in our home when our children were in their mid childhood. Anna and I found that children felt comfortable and relaxed to talk about their experiences in play, anecdotal events at school, or raise their questions and make comments about matters that occupied their attention. 

It was during such times, I had my earlier lessons in listening with attention! The hurry to talk is a normal habit of most adults. The narration of one person evokes the memory of a similar experience and one feels drawn to take over the conversation with another narration. When one can withhold from such a tendency, and stay tuned to listen and participate in the experience of the other person, the conversation can take us to another level. A person is making a self disclosure through a narrative sequence. 

The self disclosure is the heart of every conversation. A person makes himself or herself known to others through the experience shared. When we interrupt that flow by sharing a parallel experience, and shifts the attention to ourselves by the narration of a similar experience, we leave the person feeling bereft! The self disclosure every person makes is an occasion to make that person feel accepted and affirmed. This happens when we can lead the person with responsive questions to help the person to say more or reflect to dwell deeper into that experience. 

All self-disclosure carry the prospect of becoming a growing experience to the narrator and  listeners. In that sense, conversations are not occasions for sharing informations. Conversations can become upbuilding experiences. I recall instances when conversations brought enlightenment and a refreshing touch which made that occasion memorable. 

One aspect of conversations that I am learning to observe is the appropriate way to give a response that resonates heartily in the other person. 

That generates a new ambience in any conversation! We can create time and space for every person to be an equal participant in a conversation! We pause for others to speak and wait attentively to feel drawn towards others and their thoughts. When that happens there is a space for every person to feel included in the conversation! 

Such conversations that build regardful attitudes towards each other bring mutual nearness and appreciative orientation!

M.C.Mathew( text and photo)

Living with unmet needs !

A hungry rain soaked Asian Koel at daybreak in our garden to feed on guava fruit !  It is not common for Asian Koel to settle for guava fruit from my earlier experience in our garden. They usually feed on papaya, berry and jackfruit. The bird did not look flight ready as the body was dripping with water. Its attempt to feed on guava lasted only a few minutes. It abandoned it and flew away in short laps to the thick foliage of a tall tree. 

By then the Bulbuls had arrived at the feeding station. 

The Asian Koel did not find its choice feed in the garden. The Bulbuls did find theirs at the feeding station. 

This is a life event worth pondering upon. This is a dissociated state of not finding what one is looking for. 

A neighbour who is a labourer by occupation having educated his daughter in commerce stream, recently sent her to the United Kingdom to study further. He sold his land to raise money towards it along with raising a loan from the bank. After six months she is yet to get into a stream of learning. She has restrictions on working full time. Listening to the story, I realised how some young people who go overseas aspirationally, do not have their expectations or needs fulfilled. They live in a dissociated state! The lack of opportunities for lucrative employment locally makes the parents think of the prospects overseas. For some it turns out to be a gateway into prospects. For others it is another spell of harrowing experience! 

The current mindset of parents is to push children to a professional stream against bottle necks at each stage. But parents who choose a vocational stream for their children struggle less as having a got job, their children will have opportunities to join for evening college or pursue on line learning to advance their skills, which would make them eligible  to seek for better job opportunities. 

I feel for the increasing distress among young people who are forced to live in a dissociated state- mismatch between their aspiration and current level of gainful engagement !

The reality is that our village has no more young people well employed. Most have left overseas. The homes have elderly parents and grand parents. The social support is minimum for such people when they become dependent. Thanks to the creative response of the new Chief Minister of Kerala, there is proposal for a separate ministry to attend to the social security of the elderly! 

We live in an environment when some receive what they are looking for and some others live with unmet needs! 

It was the helpless state of the Asian Koel at daybreak today, which alerted me about the woes of those who live with unmet needs! It comes to me as a call for more mindful responses to engage this need!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Living beyond the existential reality!

The sight in the garden when it is drizzling is an engaging visual feast! The birds continue their rhythm of the occasion undeterred by the rain. The large birds are disadvantaged as they will need longer time to dry their wings and feathers before they can resume their flight. I watched how the rose flower looked soaked in the rain but does not loose its colourfulness or exuberant look! 

Anna and I received greetings on the doctor's day last week from a forty years old single woman, who first visited ASHIRVAD Child Development Centre in 1986. She had signs of a metabolic dysfunction affecting skeletal growth, leading to limitations in mobility. The enzyme replacement therapy or a bone marrow transplant was not available at that time. Her unusual playful and endearing childhood behaviour touched us so much that her visit for developmental support had a charismatic effect on all of us at the centre. Her parents continued to be in touch with us even after we relocated at CMC Vellore to start the Developmental paediatrics Unit in 1997. Since our retirement from CMC Vellore in 2018, the contacts were more on phone. She continued her interests to read, draw, make designs in computer, edit newsletters for the church she was part of, although she was wheel chair bound from the age of nine years. Her spinal deformity was beyond the scope of surgical correction as risks of complications were high. There were regular greetings we received from her on special occasions which brought immense delight to us to feel the state of her wellness amidst her limitations. Her parents became her tower of strength and made her life colourful by creating opportunities to be active with her interests. 

We received a message two days ago, that she would be celebrating her fortieth birthday shortly. That created an urge within us to go to visit her sometime soon. 

Although we have had other children with the same metabolic disorder, this story is different from those of others. She lives her full life bringing radiance of joy and message of hope to others. We receive messages from friends about the overflowing spirit of warm regards and affection she communicates. She lives adapting to her needs, but nurturing herself to a live a soulful life. 

The birds and flower above live adapting to the adverse weather conditions. 

The story of this mid lifer with a metabolic dysfunction is an equally vibrant story of being an overcomer! What an upbuilding home and parental support she would have received to be such a self giving person with faith and hope ! In her correspondence with us she would quote verses from the Bible, which too is a refreshing experience for us, because she would choose verses appropriately that were often unfamiliar to us. 

The charm of her persona, the grace in her relational attitude and the abiding trust in God while living with limitations are exceptional to behold! She is a living testimony to the goodness of God appropriated in a life lived with forbearance and fortitude. 

We recall our association with this unusual person and her family as a gift. We feel inspired by the vision of beyondness, with which some are given grace to live with! Hers is a mystical journey living beyond the travails in her body!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

 

Instead of one branch, many!

A few weeks ago a branch of the nutmeg tree in our front garden broke away in the wind and rain. The above sight of the new shoots from the damaged stem of the tree, gives a message of resilience! In the place of one branch, now with multiple shoots, the branches will be many in the place of one !

A hurt tree recovering from the trauma of an accidental wrenching of its branch in the wind!

There is considerable interest in behavioural science on trauma and its effects in human behaviour. The post-traumatic effects are both acute and su-acute on human psyche. 

During my conversations with people in mid life, I get a sense of the effects of traumatic experiences lingering on although in less intense form than when they first occurred. I too have memories of difficult experiences of childhood and youthful years. It was by attending to them consciously and tending the hurts and wounds by an upbuilding attitude, such experiences loose a hold on making the inner ambience negative or reactive. 

I found it easier to view difficult experiences as pruning process rather than as a hurt or a loss! 

I took time recently to revisit the building blocks of life since I began my medical studies in 1967. It was a bad start with considerable adjustments as I was least inclined towards study of medicine. The first  two years brought disappointment more than I could endure at that season of life, when I was in a college, where spoken language was Hindi and Marathi! I felt lost and isolated! From that hurting experience, the recovery by the third year when the clinical bedside experiences became an awakening experience,  was inspirational and aspirational! 

What resides within me as recollections of that transition period is plenty of pleasant memories and formative experiences. I came across friends who cared and supported whose thoughtful ways left impressions that superseded all the transient subjective experiences of sense of loss!

A loss is often the path leading to a gain! 

The butterfly looses its cocoon to fly away colourfully into a wide space. It was a learning experience to view losses as essential to move on to greater awareness, purpose or discovery! 

The sights of multiple shoots from the site of a broken branch is a message of invitation to foresee the outcome of a difficult experiences through the optic of wellness and new life! 

In my exit examination of post-graduate training in child health, I struggled to discuss a clinical scenario of neurological illness in a child. The examiners gave me the benefit as discussions of cardiovascular and abdominal examinations of difficult clinical conditions went well. I returned from the examination not wanting to be associated with any further study of neurology. But that was the door that was shown to me in 1983, much against my resistance. Having spent forty years in associating with children who had neuro-developmental challenges, the turning point was, when I was enabled to view it as a door of opportunity to learn and grow !

Some experiences in life, although might appear to be a loss initially, would turn out to be formative and transformative when we walk through them with forbearance and fortitude! The stress of such a journey becomes bearable when we surround ourselves with people who care and accompany. I feel grateful to some who have been such a support along the journey thus far. Anna has been a steadfast and intimate life companion in this journey of discovery! 

It is important to look away from the traumatic incidents and trust in the new life that would emerge when we wait in readiness to embrace it! The earlier and deeper we can travel to demystify the difficult experiences and find the kernel of truth hidden in them, the better would be the recovery path towards wholeness! 

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

The way of living from within!

The Bulbuls have a habit to perch on the tallest tree in our garden after feeding at the feeding station before they charter their flight path for the morning. This is a regular feature of sensing and choosing the flight path. It is often with a short chirp, one of them would fly away in one particular direction. The other follows that path soon thereafter. 

The United States of America celebrated its 250th anniversary of its independence on 4th July. The history of that nation, which since then has been an integration of multicultural ethnicities led by eminent presidents, is currently undergoing a change, least expected. In the presidential address to the nation, its current president talked about communism being the threat that USA faces.  The current president is one who has acquired billions of dollars of worth, since he was chosen to be the president, through business deals. Is not capitalism as much as a threat as communism? This president is the one who stopped the active presence of the USA in supporting humanitarian benefits through its generous aids in supporting nations in health care and global initiatives to promote climate related discipline. The current day temperature in certain parts of the USA and Europe exceeded 40 degree celsius. The glacier in the Swiss alpine mountains show fast melting, threatening a climate disaster. 

The Holy father, the Pope Louis appealed to the people of the USA to return to its heritage of 'giving to save' in his address to his fellow Americans. 

In India, we encounter wealth acquisition somehow, as the current pursuit of those in influential positions. The optic of the materiality of some of the world leaders, hurt human formation adversely! 

The spirituality of human life on earth, is living mindful of others knowing that we are co-sojourners in the pursuit of wellness of all. The psychological departure to acquire power and wealth to control, dominate and oppress,  is a cancerous mindset against which, even the peace pacifists find it as a struggle to resist! 

A congregation of a local Church close to where we live, avoided all the festivities of the year and built a house for a homeless person! That caught the imagination of some other congregations of worshippers. The current chief minister of the state of Kerala, has stripped himself of the usual security cover accompanying his travel, and shows a desire to mingle with people physically to greet them in public functions. He seems to follow the spirit of democracy, which in the practice of governance is 'of the people, by the people and for the people'!

The Bulbuls take time to charter their path each day. They follow a purposeful action. They live receiving from the bounty of fruits and seeds! They visit us most days and sing to us with their bird calls. They give what is theirs for others! 

The giving and receiving is the norm in any society! I wonder whether the dominant attitude of many people is turning toward becoming takers! 

The takers justify their action and deny the legitimate rights of others! The nation of Israel in wanting to take control of Gaza seemed to have killed at least twenty thousand children according to an estimate! The takers deny the human foundational value of brotherhood upon the earth! 

Every day when the Bulbuls come to our feeding station and refresh us with the bird calls, Anna and I feel that they are grateful givers in response to what they are given!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Bringing a refreshing touch !

Anna alerted me about the presence of a Sunbird in our front garden, while it was drizzling! That gave me an opportunity to capture some of its movements between flowers for nectar. 

It is a bird that captures our attention because its habits are amazingly aesthetic and swift! Its immaculately groomed body and shiny feathers in all weather conditions stand out. Its movements have a flow and follow the pursuit of a purpose. 

One aspect that strikes me about a Sunbird is its bird calls which are high pitched and musical. Its long and slender neck might have an influence on the tuneful vocalisation of sounds. The short and long calls are distinct and different. The short calls are often between the pair of birds and the long calls are usually heard from solo birds. 

There is a message to ponder upon!

A smaller bird has some unusual features which stand out and make them special. 

I find that consoling. There is something special or unique in each person. For me it is a challenge now as people with whom I relate in our village are mostly older people who are burdened with challenges and burdens of different type. One is the absence of their married children as many migrated to other countries in the last fifteen years.  The senior citizens do not have the younger people to bring the charm of youthfulness to their lives. 

And yet, these senior citizens are active to look out for people who live in disadvantaged situations.The way they are active to visit those who are sick or hospitalised or home bound brings encouragement to many. They conceal their sorrow and turn that into a creative form of caring which sustains them in hope and cheer. 

There are group meetings which they organise among themselves, which keeps them updated on their neighbours and their needs. One recent initiative in which they are engaged is in weaning people from alcohol dependence!

How refreshing it is to hear of such instances when the senior citizens take upon the role of becoming 'elders' in the community!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

The avian message!

I watched these Bulbuls in the nutmeg tree grooming after a spell of rain, when they were trenched. They need this regular cleaning and grooming to be flight ready. 

While the Bulbuls were in their grooming ritual to be flight ready, underneath the nutmeg tree, the Sun bird was feeding on the nectar. 

The two rituals of birds !

I listened to a professional group whose daily rhythm was interrupted due to multiple demands and activities. 

Our personal wellness is our responsibility. Every day, while watching visiting birds, I get reminded by their routines and rituals. They visit the same sites during their flight movements in our garden. Those who return to the garden in the evening follow the routine of visiting the flight stations before settling in for the night! 

I have been helped to keep this as a message, they bring each day! There are interruptions and distractions. With the World Cup of football being played mostly in the night in reference to the IST, I listen to people ,who have interrupted sleep. I remind them to catch up with sleep debt by extra hours of sleep during the next two or three days. 

During a group meeting, I was keen to introduce the practice of interior silence for three minutes, three times a day starting with body awareness exercise, as way of returning to be centred and composed. It was during this exercise, I realised as how such exercises do not form the part of personal routine of most professionals! It was when the participants counted the pulse before the three minutes of silence and afterwards, they were awakened to realise how the body too responds favourably at the physiological level by reducing the heart rate following such an exercise. 

The personal wellness is an inner and outer experience ! When we live in a state of wellness, we affirm to ourselves of the treasure  we are to ourselves, our family and people in our orbit! It is the wellness we carry within ourselves which becomes the message of hope to others. 

A senior citizen who is younger than me stopped me on the road a few days ago, when I was returning with bags of provision on both hands. His question was: 'Why don't you use the car while shopping'? For me, the one kilometre of walk each way, is a worthy physical excise and a time to reflect as well as take in sights and scenes in the village. I return from this outing feeling refreshed! It was a good conversation with the senior citizen, who lives depleted of a sense of wellness. He told me that he watches TV most of the time during the day. For a teacher by profession, that sounded as an easy surrender to a poor option of being engaged! 

We bring wellness to our daily living by making changes in our routines! 

The birds wee messengers to me yesterday during the in between dry period, although the sun was hiding behind the clouds! 

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)