Freedom to live and relate!

I happened to notice these birds in the garden, two through their bird calls and the other in a still posture. The cloud was gathering and I wondered where their behaviour was on account of the imminent rainfall! The bird behaviours reflect their perception of the environmental changes. 

The birds live present to the environment. 

This gave me an occasion to sense the way I behave in different situations. When the telephone rang yesterday and I saw the name of the caller my mind went back to a difficult conversation with that person three weeks ago. That aroused a curiosity, whether it was to continue that conversation. But when I received the call, it was an invitation for the baptism of their grandson. 

The past memories influence our perception and responses. I felt concerned about the risk of viewing the current through the optic of a past experience. 

This brought some memories of relationships! The past memories dominate. I wonder whether many memories remain without a good closure! A good closure is when a difficult or a pleasant experiences do not become a filter while relating to a person at the next time!  

A weekly family time is a time of recollection of important family events and recalling of experiences. That becomes an occasion to gratefully acknowledge each other as well as to be confessional to offer and receive forgiveness. It means parents have an occasion to restore relationships with children by apology and confession and children too have an occasion to do the same. A confessed and forgiven issue brings a healing touch and does not stay on colouring future conversations. The freedom to relate to each other regardfully and appreciatively creates an ambience of comfort. 

This changes the stressful relational ambience that most families live with. Fear, anxiety and stress arise from unresolved matters of disagreement or dispute. 

The public space we share with others is often self driven. Most people look for their advantage and comfort and leave out the needs of others. A senior citizen was struggling to carry the three bagful of provisions to his car. A young man carried the bags for him to the car. When I watched this , I was reminded of the normal instinct of helpfulness that governs human behaviour!  May be it is becoming occasional than being usual!

I was given a space to park the car in the only space left in the parking place, although two others who came earlier than me were waiting. Both of them who were waiting, offered me the space! It was an unusual experience and yet most refreshing! We live among people whose goodness and thoughtfulness are still alive! We can nurture this by being mindful of each other !

When we become mindful of others we become more humane and relational! That can relieve us of fear, anxiety and stress, while relating to others because we receive others as they are and not based on our experiences stations of them. It also makes us to be more appreciative and grateful!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

 

Toddlers are finders !

The two Sunbirds above, one on a bush looking out for flowers and the other feeding nectar from flowers, were happening around the same time in our garden! They search and find! 

I found this purpose driven behaviour interesting to watch. 

In a conversation with a family yesterday evening, I was fascinated by the insightful conversation of parents about their two children. One of them likes to listen to sounds by tapping rhythmically on the refrigerator. I wondered if it indicated the musical interest of the child! The parents were to keen to observe that further!

The conversation proceeded to consider how a toddler discovers his or her home environment to explore and discover! It is the engaging environment that brings out the hidden interest and observational skills of a toddler. That is how a toddler finds play purposeful. 

For a toddler, finding ways to play and explore the environment is the normal pattern. It is when parents facilitate that a child comes forth with ideas and activities to explore. 

A toddler looks for satiety in playing! I wonder if parents have a play plan for their toddler for each day! It could involve indoor and outdoor activities. 

Parents who have designed a Child's Corner, where child has a space to belong to with his her collection of toys, books, and creative materials, would facilitate a toddler to design his or her play time. If parents have found a joint time of play at the Child's' Corner, then it offers parents an opportunity to observe the unfolding interests and discoveries of a child. 

Almost every day, one toddler girl that I know about, prepares tea for her parents in the evening at the Child's corner with her toy stove and toy vessels. It is a way a child connects with parents and invites them to participate in her play process! A toddler is a seeker and an aspirant for inventing! 

I wonder if parents have a collection of videos of such inventing activities of their child and play back these videos to the child once every week for the child to feel appreciated for his or her exploratory journey!  

It is when parents become present and participate in the child's world of imagination and exploration, they can awaken in the child a sense of emotional engagement to grow in the attachment process which is the foundation for  endearing relationships. 

The Sunbirds find their feed on their own! A child too finds his or her way of play to feel fulfilled. 

 

The parents can become providers to enlarge the fulfilling experiences of toddlers. The pre-school years at home are golden years to develop intimate emotional bonding between parents and children. A child who feels rooted in such an ambience of intimacy flourishes and grows up with a sense of belonging, protected and affirmed!

M.C.Mathew( text and photo)

 

 

 

A family feeding time !

This family of Mynah birds are the first to arrive at day break at our feeding station in the garden and the last to visit us at dusk ! They are likely to be resident in the garden or close by!

The juvenile bird got fed by both adult birds while it attempted to feed itself! 

I noticed that both the adult birds flew away to the adjacent tree while the juvenile bird was left behind to give it a chance to fees itself! That did happen with the juvenile bird trying to peck on the banana. But it abandoned it soon and joined the waiting adults in the foliage, hidden from sight. 

The juvenile bird had to chirp and open the beaks to get fed! That rhythm is part of the developmental transition before starting to self feed!

Even the avians follow a structure to all their transitions!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

 

Monitoring wellness !

The evening ritual of a Bulbul at the feeding station in our garden! The Bulbul Birds are noticeable for their well groomed body! It is a  habit inherent to most birds.  It points to self attention to what is essential. 

Anna and I happened to visit a de-addiction and rehabilitative centre yesterday, when we heard stories of adults and children who have been on self-destroying path with alcohol or habit forming drugs. 

One story that we heard was of a pre-adolescent boy growing up with grandparents, while his parents worked overseas. A separation from his parents form early school years !

Another story was of an artisan who was harassed by the bank for delaying to pay the loan taken for building his house! His alcohol dependence has made his family dysfunctional.

The Bulbuls lived attentively and ritualistically! The  boy and the adult followed  a self-destryoing path! 

The counsellor in the centre is an experienced social worker who now has evolved a follow up plan for those who are being rehabilitated to be the key people in their community to befriend those who are alcohol or drug dependent. It seems to create a neighbourhood support group for those who are slipping into alcohol or drug abuse. 

The eighteen people in residential programme for rehabilitation come mostly from middle class families. That added to the stress as alcohol dependence distressed the families financially! 

When I grew up in my village, what was common was people meeting together in tea ships in the morning and evenings. Now the tea shops are few. Bars have replaced them! 

A social anthropologist, studying behaviour profiles of people mentioned that when homes are stable and relationships are harmonious, people follow a rhythm of living attending to the wellness of each other! But when homes fail to be nurturing  and upbuilding, the behavioural aberrations set in. One observation was the breakdown of communication at home, as watching of TV has replaced conversational times, family times and joint leisure time activities. 

Anna and I returned from our visit, wondering why the emotional health of families is not in the agenda of the social structure in the community! The wellness level of families affects social stability! 

Anna and I returned from this visit knowing little more about the complexity of habit forming addictions in the community! People choose to live responsibly when they feel valued, cared for and befriended! We  need better fabric of social support to befriend people who feel burdened by their adverse circumstances!

There are some people who seek help when they are in difficult situations. There are others who suffer silently and slide into the downward path of helplessness! 

We need greater social vigilance to monitor the wellness of people in the community!

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)

Fostering human wellness !

The instinct of a bird is to fly!

Its perch time is to prepare it for the next flight!

I have often wondered what is it that makes a bird want to fly! 

It is through flight it stays well and aerodynamically adept to all kind of situations!

Our dog, Dulcie has an instinct to welcome visitors by going near them by wagging the tail, wanting to be stroked. 

There are visitors who are dog friendly who respond and Dulcie settles down by keep looking at them. If the visitor ignores her, as he or she is not comfortable with a dog, Dulcie goes under the table and remains motionless! Anna and I have to comfort her to return to be herself with her playful behaviour and being present attentively. 

We had two visitors yesterday, who spent time talking about common topics of interest and experiences in our families. The conversation drifted to Iran and the USA and the ongoing war. It converged to president Donald Trump who is the Kingpin responsible for the war. The prompter for this war is probably the Israeli prime minister, who seems to have impressed upon the US president that Iran can be conquered. 

The current leadership of the USA and Israel seem to have an instinct of intolerance- the president of the USA towards the immigrants and the premier of Israel towards the Palestinians. 

I explored this yesterday for understanding this further. The earthquake in Venezuela had a devastating effect making hundreds homeless and bereft of all their earned resources. The international humanitarian activities to support people although forthcoming, are not proportionate to the needs of people. 

The natural disasters threaten human wellness. 

The imposed war upon people deprive people of wellness and natural habitat. 

I wondered how the human instinct for wellness for all, has been replaced by greed for control, domination and authoritarianism! The visitors who came yesterday told us that war benefits the manufacturers of weapons who contribute towards political favours!They also told that the episodic war activity is planned to regulate the stock market to favour some who know when to invest to gain when the stock market is bullish. The president of one country seems to have gained billions of dollars in wealth during the war through investment by regulating the market trend!

I wish the human instinct would return to nurturing wellness for all! I wish that the instinct to be oligarchs and regulate politics to favour their wealth acquisition would fail! 

A Magpie robin flies from one place to another and lives well! Each person is born with the right to live well! The denial of that is dishonouring dignity to life and living! 

When Dr Paul Brand who initiated reconstructive surgery to restore  functions of hand of those who lost fingers due to Leprosy was asked, what moves you to explore a difficult surgical process, his response was, " Offering dignity to life and wellness to those who suffer is our calling"!

Yes, that is the normal human instinct!  Promoting war, manipulating to become even more wealthy, inhospitality towards neighbours, or gaining by exploiting others are aberrations in human behaviour! 

I wish the instinct to foster human brotherhood would return to us !

It is this which calls us to  be a light in difficult times!

Three years in succession a school in Kerala has welcomed students from Manipur whose schooling got disturbed due to the ethnic conflict. The school and philanthropists contribute towards the expenses of students to travel during holidays to be withe their parents. It is least advertised, but quietly done to give a future to children and offer a comfort to their parents! 

That is the instinct of goodness we love to see more commonly in our civil society!  

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)

The inner transition experience !

The Black Pepper vine is a spice now entering its season in our garden to yield green spikes initially with inflorescence and later with green berries. The green berries over about three months would become larger and turn red, which is the time to harvest them and have them dried in the sun to turn them to be Black pepper.

These creeper plants have a long history of seventy or more years, planted my parents. They continue to give the berries every year. 

The berries on the green spikes are at different stages of formation and growth as seeing the above photos. I notice that as a common phenomenon in about thirty-five trees in our garden. 

That interested me and made me make enquiries. One explanation which looked plausible is that the older vine will bear the inflorescence initially followed by the younger branches. Often they mature around the same time. 

It summarises something profound for adult education. As adults we have qualities and behaviour which have become mature corresponding to our ageing; some of our behaviour are yet to carry wholeness and maturity and some stay infantile! 

This differential formative process is a natural tapestry of our lives! The self directed learning appraisal through a structured audit periodically often helps us to appreciate this spectrum of developmental stage of our attitudes and behaviour and journey towards revising our lives!

This adult formation process, which occurs in a  consistent and consolidated manner in mid life (40-65 years) can be facilitated by regular personal appraisal, which would indicate the living and learning pathway we are on! 

It is this personal conversation with one self at the conscious level, which assists us in revising our lives to live with the awakened consciousness in different domains of our lives. Most of us remain anthropometrically and morphologically family constant in appearance in mid life. I was reminded of it when a senior citizen who was seeing me after twenty years said to me" You look the same when I saw you last".

But during this season, the inner formation takes place changing our attitudes, behaviour, beliefs,  relationships and the interior truths about our Self. Most of us would have attended to make our persona (ego self and shadow) to metamorphose into our true self which according to Carl Young is our Self. Most men would have evolved to incorporate the subconscious feminine dimension anima, present in their lives to make their masculine Self integrated. Similarly women would have incorporated the subconscious masculine animus to feel integrated with their  feminine Self. So much happens in our inward formation while our physical growth is stationary in mid life. 

I want to suggest that the inflorescence which becomes the black pepper symbolises a formative journey !  The inner formative journey from the raw self we are, to be the Self we have been destined for, happens in the mid life when we have an attitude to revise our life according to the enlightenment we receive. 

We move on from mid life to be an elder after 65 years according to the psycho-social theory of Erik Erikson. How refreshing we would have become to others, if we entered the elder years, with life becoming effervescent for others to feel  inspired! 

The flowers offer nectar to Sunbird! Our life can become such an offering to those who become weary while living and enduring!

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)

The have-nots and the left out!

A family of Mynah birds arrived at the feeding station in the evening to find no food. We were late to replenish the feed as it was raining. They hovered around the feeding station. When Anna went to replenish, they left the feeding station. If they were the regular visitors to the garden, they would have waited chirping to alert us of their arrival or returned afterwards. But they did not. They flew away for their night halt elsewhere. 

It was while looking at the photos above I noticed the expectant and disappointed look in their body language. 

I felt sorry that we could not be hospitable enough to them anticipating the evening round of visitors at the feeding station. Some flew away immediately when they found the bowls empty and some stayed on. Even then we were late for them !

They came searching food. They did not find it. What can the birds do except to fly away! 

It highlighted me the strain of living! 

It was not common for people to beg for food in our village. But now, I find women and senior citizens going from one restaurant to another to get something to feed their hunger !

The state government offered to start a mid day feeding stations for senior citizens after the state government created a separate ministry to oversee the welfare of senior citizens. I read about a farmer in north Malabar allowing senior citizens to visit his farm to pick a packet of fruits containing Mango, papaya, and Rambutan every day.  His reasoning is that he would share from his produce to support his neighbours. I guess that he becomes a light to others! 

A visitor who dropped in briefly yesterday who is a resident in Abu Dhabi, mentioned how hundreds have lost job recently due to the spill over of war in Iran. 

The recent strain of living is created by the American ambitions- more tariff, disarm Iran, control Venezuela, disgrace the migrant Americans...! I wonder how the president of America can foster such an imposing attitude! 

During the protests of students at New Delhi demanding for a fair examination system, the students received food packets ordered on line by hundreds of people from various parts of India and overseas ! What a noble and sensitive thought!

It is this humane mindfulness that most of us long to see as the normal way of living!

I wish shelter, food and a job would be a reality for the have-nots in different parts of the world! 

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)

 

People without freedom!

A hidden Sunbird in the foliage when became visible, was seen adapting bodily to its perception of the environment. A bird is a flier and a mover. It arrives and departs at it own pace and choice! It is seldom that we see a bird perched in one place for too long. Its urge is for flight and movement. Although the garden is its home, it has other places to visit, flowers to go to for nectar, and songs to sing !

The freedom to fly and move at its pace is its inherent nature. 

I read today in the news that those who live in Gaza might soon face food scarcity! The stock of food is getting exhausted. The people in Gaza live imprisoned at the mercy of Israel. 

Even a bird lives free! People of Gaza have no freedom of movement or independence!

I wish the Palestinians will find a home for themselves and freedom to live in their home land as promised to them !

M.C.Mathew ! 

The inner awareness and the outer movements!

Each of the photos above is that of a Bulbul at day break yesterday in our garden. They reminded me of the inner awareness of the environment expressed through the body movements affecting their posture, look and alertness. 

The inner awareness regulated the body behaviour. 

I have been following the recent 35 days old protest of students in New Delhi to express their deep concern about the failing system of the different entrance examinations with paper leak, 

The police action towards them when they took out a procession shocked me. A similar action of impoliteness and cruelty occurred while the Members of the parliament took out a procession. I do not want to comment if those processions were needed. 

What I feel grieved is the videos of police charging the students with their lathi with forceful movements towards students intending to harm. I wondered if the riot control response involves beating up an individual instead of just engaging a crowd to disperse! The students and the members of the parliament were protesting with slogans. They resisted the police from stopping the procession, which gave legitimacy to the police action. 

It is this I want to explore further! What might have been the inner frame of thinking and temper of the police to beat, intending to harm, from the videos that are circulating in the media ? To me it is a streak of force and violence! The police argues it as the only remedy to stop mass action in a civil society. 

The violence starts at our home in our behaviour towards children. I still have parents who seek to know if corporal punishment is helpful to discipline children! I feel such a thought springs from the silent consent parents offer to justify corporal punishment. What does a child gain from such a punishment except physical pain! He develops anger and a distancing from parents. The children choose to do mischief unnoticed to escape punishment. 

What if parents who are to be loving towards their children in their formative years, choose the pathway of instruction, correction and reinforcement ! 

This involves repeating our instruction a few times till a child develops the conditioning habit to do somethings in the way desired by parents. The pre-school children are not thinkers in a rational way as those skills develop only in mid childhood. Even the conscience formation which allows them to discern the right develops only around eight years. So all pre-school behaviours are internalised by the children based on how parents formulate the instruction for them to practice them as a habit. When a child does what is desirable, a pre-school child deserves to be appreciated and affirmed which then becomes an incentive, wanting to do what is acceptable. That becomes an incentive. Some parents tokenise such times with rewards. 

The correction is to help a child to move away form his preferred behaviour to a desired behaviour with explanation, clarification and further instruction. When this is done when the child is ready and parents are not angry, it becomes a communication with the potential for change. Often when parents are composed and are affectionate even when a child is resistant, the effects of change would set in gradually. 

The reinforcement is when a child receives praise and acknowledgement. Every effort a child makes to change is appreciated and affirmed. The negative responses from parents would make a child unwilling to change, because, the child reacts silently by refusing to change. It is for this reason, praise and gentle conversations bring better outcome than controlling children by threatening, punishing or fear generating saying such as, 'I will tell your teacher about your mischief' !

Any form of physical punishment which generates sorrow such as denying food, corporal punishment, screaming at a child, humiliating a child or frightening child with consequences would plant the seed of rebellion and anger in the early childhood. 

When I watched the policemen charging the students with lathi held between both hands and beating students, I wondered if they were driven by anger, harm and intending to hurt. Is it strange that a police man behaves like this in a reactive way! 

It is for this reason that the streak of violence resides in our interior, needs to be reconciled or healed. Otherwise we carry out violent action! 

I wonder if there is a habit in our homes when parents would apologise to children when they lost their temper and behaved  towards children impulsively! Are there family meetings once a week when parents listen to their children about how they felt about parental behaviour towards them! Are there occasions in our homes when children can negotiate with parents rather than being forced to do only what is expected by parents! Do parents behave responsibly such as eat the food that is served on the plate! Or, do they have a different standard to choose their food they like and yet insist that children eat what is served ! Whose habits a child would pick up except that of the parents by seeing their behaviour! 

I felt disturbed seeing bleeding students and some in plaster after the police action. I also saw some miscreants, not part of the student group pelting stones, another sign of violent streak resident in some! 

Let me suggest that we can plant the seeds of peace and goodwill to our children in their formative years, so that they grow up choosing peace, hope, goodwill and service as their normal temperament!

For this to happen, parents ought to be facilitating the gentle and hospitable temperament during their early childhood!

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)

 

The NEET and its fault lines!

 

As this Bulbul planned its moves to reach the bush to get its berry in the morning today in our garden, I noticed how fulfilled it looked !

I have been reading various reports about the student protests in various parts of India to express their grief over malpractices associated with NEET examination for medical admissions. It was when I saw the Bulbul above feeling fulfilled, I got yet another pointer to the unfulfilled aspirations of the students. 

I recall how 19.99 lac students appeared for the NEET in 2025, and 11.21 lac students were qualified. Only 1.25 lac students could join for the medical course out of those who were eligible.  

The first NEET in 2013, was struck down by the honourable Supreme Court of India as unconstitutional. In 2016, the Supreme Court recalled its earlier judgement and mandated NEET as the uniform, single-window medical entrance test. The responsibility to conduct the NEET was handed over to the National Testing Agency in 2019. Earlier it was conducted by the CBSE. 

The leakage of the examination papers is a criminal offence with huge financial transactions and students are tired of this malpractice. The preparation for NEET for students starts during the plus two season. Some take a a year break after the plus two to join coaching programme to qualify in the NEET. 

Is it not time for the medical fraternity in India to raise a voice of concern to have one single entrance test? The education is in the concurrent list of the constitution, which makes the state government a partner with the government of India in making policy decisions!  Why is that the state governments were not consulted when NEET was introduced. 

Now the fault lines having been discovered a few times in the recent examinations, is it not time to have a relook at the appropriateness of the NEET which lays a burden on students financially and studying subjects one more time which the students did to qualify to pass the plus two examination. Is not NEET only a test of memory? What an aspirant to study medicine needs is logical thinking, problem solving skills, analytical skills, personal qualities of empathy and ethical values and  an aptitude for self-giving service.  These essentials are not tested in NEET. What is peripheral is over emphasised in NEET exam. A student having got 80 percent or more marks in science subjects is clever enough to study medicine. If at all an entrance test is required it ought to be test the aptitude. 

I feel saddened to think that the ministers in the central government are silent seeing the distress of students who were pushed to go on this protest movement !

Why is the medical fraternity silent about finding an option to NEET !

Why are the state governments not forthcoming to ask for a dialogue on the NEET and an alternative pathway to choose students for  medical study!

There are many educational philosophers in this country who can intervene to diffuse the protest and engage students to find a way forward by suggesting an alternative to NEET.  

This country owes a better approach of consolation and affirmation towards students and not a police action on them.  They are forced to protest about the failure of the government to conduct the NEET examination fairly! 

The Bulbul makes the effort and feels fulfilled. 

Our students make best of their efforts and remain unfulfilled. 

Should we not care to give students a better selection process for medical studies? 

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)