Becoming present to the other!

The meal time of the two Bulbuls at the feeding station in our garden, looked like the Bulbuls becoming present to each other! There was a nearness and mutual communicativeness that they conveyed in their body language. The silent pauses between feeding had a meaning that made the meal time an experience of communication! There was an affirming nearness!

The becoming of a human family too has many such endearing experiences. I recall the conversation time around the meal time in our home when our children were in their mid childhood. Anna and I found that children felt comfortable and relaxed to talk about their experiences in play, anecdotal events at school, or raise their questions and make comments about matters that occupied their attention. 

It was during such times, I had my earlier lessons in listening with attention! The hurry to talk is a normal habit of most adults. The narration of one person evokes the memory of a similar experience and one feels drawn to take over the conversation with another narration. When one can withhold from such a tendency, and stay tuned to listen and participate in the experience of the other person, the conversation can take us to another level. A person is making a self disclosure through a narrative sequence. 

The self disclosure is the heart of every conversation. A person makes himself or herself known to others through the experience shared. When we interrupt that flow by sharing a parallel experience, and shifts the attention to ourselves by the narration of a similar experience, we leave the person feeling bereft! The self disclosure every person makes is an occasion to make that person feel accepted and affirmed. This happens when we can lead the person with responsive questions to help the person to say more or reflect to dwell deeper into that experience. 

All self-disclosure carry the prospect of becoming a growing experience to the narrator and  listeners. In that sense, conversations are not occasions for sharing informations. Conversations can become upbuilding experiences. I recall instances when conversations brought enlightenment and a refreshing touch which made that occasion memorable. 

One aspect of conversations that I am learning to observe is the appropriate way to give a response that resonates heartily in the other person. 

That generates a new ambience in any conversation! We can create time and space for every person to be an equal participant in a conversation! We pause for others to speak and wait attentively to feel drawn towards others and their thoughts. When that happens there is a space for every person to feel included in the conversation! 

Such conversations that build regardful attitudes towards each other bring mutual nearness and appreciative orientation!

M.C.Mathew( text and photo)