Biography- 21 Finding a belonging!

Every time Anna and I open the gate to our cottage and enter the home walking along the passage with palms on both sides of the walkway, I sense a measure of peace and wellness. 

I was uprooted from this house where I grew up till nineteen years of age and lived in different parts of India and overseas for fifty five years. 

Immediately after our marriage it took a while for us to find our sense of direction for professional training and formation. This period of six years involved five relocations. 

We arrived at the Christian Medical College, Vellore in 1980 to 'settle down' after post graduate training in community  medicine and paediatrics and carry on with what seemed right at that time in our calling- to live and contribute to the formation of medical students and to help them to prepare for their a vocation. 

But since the home call of our daughter, Anita, at three months of her age, we felt that the direction emerging within us was to move to support developmentally disadvantaged children and their families. When that opportunity was not available at the Christian Medical College, Vellore we were perplexed and uncertain.

Rev P.T. Chandapilla and Mr A.C.Rajan, whom we used to know during our student days, invited us to go to Chennai and begin a centre for children with developmental needs. Dr A.K.Tharien from the Christian Fellowship Hospital at Oddanchatram invited us to begin a new facility to offer services to children and locate it in the hospital. Rev Basel Scott, from the Bible Medical Missionary Fellowship (BMMF), whose international office was in New Delhi, during his visit to Vellore invited us to meet with him mainly to comfort us following the home call of our daughter. During that conversation, when he sensed that we were likely to leave CMC shortly, suggested that the BMMF could become the supporting body to help us to launch out into this new area of service for developmentally disadvantaged children. Dr Ray Windsor, who was the international director BMMF, who suggested  earlier that we join the Emmanuel Hospital Association to be involved in its leadership, had just handed over the leadership of the BMMF to Mr Michael Romelle, whom I happened to have known during my medical college days at Nagpur when he came to conduct a week end retreat for the students. So the suggestion of Rev Basel Scott did arouse some interest in us. 

I was still the General Secretary of the Evangelical Medical Fellowship of India (EMFI) at that time. Having been actively involved in preparation for its formation from 1970 and during its beginning in 1976, Anna and I had a desire to make the fellowship a place of belonging for christian medical doctors and students. Following Dr Frank Garlick returning to Australia in 1976, Dr. R.K.Nhaklaina had become the travelling secretary of the EMFI. Dr Garlick and Dr Nghakliana had suggested that Anna and I give a few years of full time of service to develop links with doctors and students to help in creating a direction for the EMFI. At the executive committee meeting of the EMFI in Nagpur in 1982, when Dr K.N. Nambudiripad was the chairmen, I did offer to be available for the EMFI for full time service for five years. The executive committee declined my offer as it felt that the EMFI did not need a full time  general secretary. Dr Joy Thomas who was then a student member of the committee was the only one  present in the meeting who felt otherwise, whose voice did not receive consideration. Following this Anna and I felt that the EMFI had relieved us to follow the inner direction that was developing within us, to be involved in developing a service for children with developmental needs.

However I continued to be the general secretary for another three more years and established its national office in Chennai in 1983. Following the national conference in 1984, Dr Joy Thomas was appointed as the General Secretary of the EMFI. The national office of the EMFI moved to Banglaore  as he was working at the Bangalore Baptist Hospital. It was a satisfying occasion to hand over the responsibilities after twelve years of association with EMFI, to Dr Joy Thomas whom I had known from his student days at CMC Vellore.

I remember handing over nearly seventy files which was a record of all the happenings since the early years from the time the thought of formation of EMFI had occurred in the year 1972. Those files are now missing and the current General Secretary Dr Siddharth, during a recent visit mentioned to me that there is a 'darkness' about the early years of the EMFI. I felt sad as those files had correspondences, minutes, record of activities, publications, proceedings of consultations, workshops, information on  the regional and national conferences, accounts and statements on the ethos of the EMFI. What is an organisation without a knowledge of its formative years! Unfortunately, Anna and I discarded another fifty or so files mostly of correspondence and news about medical students and doctors when we were relocating form Chennai to Vellore in 1997. I wish we had retained them and  for an authentic record of about fifteen years of the 'fellowship in formation'!

In a recent series of ten long letters to Dr Frank Garlick, I did attempt to narrate and reflect on the early years of the EMFI from the time I first met him in 1970, which was my first attempt to relive the early years of the EMFI starting from the initial dialogue process lasting for six years. It was in the Ecumenical Christian Centre, Whitefield, Bangalore, I first saw a root museum, where roots of trees were displayed to show how much of the roots normally remain submerged under the earth.  Our history and experiences need 'unearthing' and 'disclosure' because that is the only way the 'whole' is made known. It in the 'whole' there are truths that reveal the formative and interactive processes. 

Mr Bob Morris, a regional director of the BMMF and Mr Alan Norish, a former international director  got in touch with us to at that time remind us of the invitation to be associated with the BMMF. That was an encouragement when we were in a dilemma when we left CMC Vellore on our 'way' to Chennai to start a christian charity ASHIRVAD and begin its Child development Centre at 18, Varadarajulu road, Egmore, Chennai in the ground floor portion of the house where Mr A.C.Rajan lived.  The ten months we spent at the Christian Fellowship hospital, Oddanchatrm, was a good transition time of preparation with lots of conversation with Dr A.K.Tharien, who established the Christin Fellowship hospital hospital in the nineteen fifties, about the challenges ahead of us for the new beginning! Dr Tharien subsequently became the first chairman of the board of trustees when ASHIRVAD was formed in 1984.

It was while in Chennai from November 1983, the BMMF got in touch with us with a formal letter from Ms Hester Quirk, the personnel secretary in the BMMF office, inviting us to become partners of the fellowship. They invited Anna and I to go to New Delhi to meet the team there, to prepare us to 'belong' to the BMMF, for which they even offered to pay for our rail travel. In fact they were keen to take us through an orientation process to help us become familiar with the history and ethos of the BMMF. I went alone as Anna was expecting our second child at that time.

The meeting with Mr Roemelle, Mr Morris and Ms Hester was cordial and warm. They had references about us from Dr K Thirumali, Rev.P.T. Chandapilla and Dr K.N.Nambudiripad. Thy shared with me, that while all those whom they consulted about us had good reports about us, Dr Nambudiripad, the director of CMC Hospital, Ludhiana had some reservations about my 'enthusiasm to do something new all the time'. This was in reference to initiating the formation of EMFI of which he was still the chairman, and now setting out on a mission of formation of ASHIRVAD. I was glad that they mentioned this to me for me to be aware of what was going on in the mind of Dr Nampudiripad. It was he, who was not comfortable with my full time offer of service to the EMFI. Later, while on a serious dialogue with Drs Paul and Iris, a couple with vetinary and medical training, to go to Orissa for their missionary vocation through the EMFI, I needed to have the concurrence of the chairman of he EMFI. Accordingly I had gone to meet Dr Nambudiripad at CMC, Ludhiana with prior appointment, who was then its director. On the appointed day, while I was waiting to meet him in his office, he sent a word that he was occupied and could not meet me. I returned all the way back to Chennai without meeting him. Dr Philip Kuruvilla, then a post graduate student at CMC Ludhiana was helpful and comforting. That was one instance which helped me to realise in later years that I too am vulnerable to be biased and ought to be willing to make confessions to people when I acted impulsively or thoughtlessly. When I shared this background with the BMMF team they felt relieved. Dr Nambudiripad was the chairman of the BMMF at that time.

Later Drs Paul and Iris joined the Indian Evangelical Mission and served in the Malkangiri district and developed a rural health mission among the tribal community. When Drs Vinod and Shalini Shah were to go to Danta in Gujarat to start a rural health care project, the EMFI had one more occasion to convey its missionary objective by welcoming them to the fellowship and offering them support. I remember having conversations with the members of the executive committee of the EMFI, but two senior members objected to such an initiative. They too joined the Indian Evangelical Mission. These two instances that I recall, were missed opportunities for the EMFI in its early years to foster a missionary outlook to its calling. To me it was not enough for the EMFI to be only in a discipling role and offer fellowship to medical students and doctors.   

I returned to Chennai feeling uncomfortable about the way I was perceived by Dr Nambudiripad. But a letter which came from the BMMF signed by Mr Roemelle offering us formal invitation to be partners of the BMMF was a relief and affirmation of their trust  in us. 

During a meeting with Dr Nambudiripad a few years later in 1990, while we both were guests of the BMMF in London, he did refer to the few instances in our relationships which he was regretful about. That was a good occasion to feel connected with him again. What turn of events when I recall this meeting with him after few years of all that happened between us! He was a wearing a suit, I had left with the BMMF office in London, which was a gift given to me by Alan and Noel Norish when we visited their home in 1987. It was a woolen suit, but long for me. I did not want to alter it as the winter in London was almost over by then. I had not worn it and left it for someone else to use it. What a pleasant surprise it was to see Dr Nmabudiripad wearing that suit and looking well dressed. I used to look forward to any talks that Dr Nambudiripad would give in meetings, because he spoke from the Bible reflectively and intuitively.  In fact I was able to transcribe one of his talks, 'The instinct is to love' and publish it later, for which he was grateful.   

One involvement of some significance with the BMMF was at its South India prayer conference at Brooklands, Connor in 1988, when there was a discussion about the future of the BMMF in India, as the government of India was not renewing visas for overseas personnel. There were about 150 partners of BMMF in India and most of whom would have had to go back in which case, the role of the BMMF in India would decrease substantially. The consensus in the meeting was for relocating the international headquarters of the BMMF elsewhere and wind up the activities of the BMMF in India.

I felt disturbed with this approach and prepared a statement contrary to the consensus and presented to the meeting on the next day, which was unanimously accepted, out of which came the decision for the BMMF to stay on in India, even after the international office moved away from India. Anna and I felt warmly received by all present at the conference, mostly partners of overseas origin. We sensed that the BMMF culturally and emotionally had in its ethos a caring outlook and a genuine focus on the wellness of its partners and their families. In fact Anna was given the same allowance that I was given, for being a full time mother and both of our children receiving allowances to meet their schooling and upkeep expenses. The first visit we had from Ms Hester Quirk and later others such as Ms Margaret Parkinson, the national director of India, to our home reinforced the 'caring culture' of the BMMF. 

There were opportunities for us to attend conferences and prayer fellowship meetings which created a sense of belonging and meaningful bonding with many in the fellowship. Mrs and Mr Dennis Fountain, Dr and Mrs Dr  Peter Deuchman, Dr and Mrs  Collin Binks, and Mr and Mrs Ian Stillman, Mr and Mrs Andy Matheson, Dr and Mrs Dr Peter Hill are some of those with whom we kept in touch regularly who offered us fellowship and friendship. We got to know Mr and Mrs Richard clarke from the international office so much so that they visited us in Chennai while we were engaged with the Child Development Centre and later in Vellore at the time of the marriage of Arpit, our older son. Richard was the master of ceremony at the reception. Dr and Mr Bill Gould from Britain is another couple, who were fond of us and kept in touch with us.    

I was pleasantly surprised to have been nominated to the International co-ordination committee of the BMMF in 1989, which used to meet in its international office at Cyprus every six months. It was my first introduction to watch how a board meeting was chaired and conducted with high standards of professionalism in a prayerful and consultative way. Mr Roemelle had an exceptional ability to season the meeting with humour, anecdotes and pleasantries that it was almost like being in a renewal retreat. After two years, I was replaced by Dr Theodore Srinivasagam from the Indian Evangelical Mission. I still wonder whether my outspokenness on some matters was a reason behind this! An issue upon which I remember sharing my reflection when asked for, was to make the fellowship more international with more partners from outside of the English speaking nations.

One special occasion that I remember fondly is the quadrennial conference of the BMMF at Kathmundu in 1992, where I was one among the five invited guests from India. Dr Marjory Foyle, an internationally well known Psychiatrist, who wrote a book on preventing and caring for people when there is  a 'burn out', is one person I remember vividly from that meeting. She had travelled extensively in countries where overseas nationals worked cross-culturally and evolved a thesis on the causes of burn out and the ways of coping with it. It was a privilege to hear her speak on this and connect with her at a personal level to receive some inputs to protect ourselves from weariness and fatigue, while being involved with children with neuro-developmental needs. Mr Bruce Nicholls, who lived and worked in India as a theologian for twenty years was another person I recall from this meeting, who had strongly felt that BMMF ought to move out of India as the church in India no more needed overseas nationals as it was already well resourced with national leaders. 

In fact three years later, the BMMF had become INTERSERVE and a new society had to be registered in India.  Although I was in the committee responsible to plan for this transition and supported all the efforts of Ms Margaret Parkinson, what followed after this was unfortunate and avoidable.

Dr Tluanga had taken over as the national director and he along with Mr Robin Thomson who took the place of Margaret Parkinson wanted ASHIRVAD to be made as an activity of INTERSERVE. As ASHIRVAD was already a charitable trust with its board of trustees, it was not possible for it to be formally associated with INTERSERVE. In fact, while we were in the initial stage of forming the ASHIRVAD trust, Anna and I had offered to make the child development service to be a part of the BMMF. But the international leaders at that time wanted us to be partners of BMMF and form a separate trust to create the Child Development Centre. So when this request came after fifteen years, it was not possible to change the course we had taken. This made the relationship difficult and stressful. On couple occasions there was harsh language used to 'force' us to do so. On one occasion it happened at a meeting where Ms Margaret Parkinson and Mr Sathkeerthi Rao were present. Dr Tluanga and Mr Robin Thomson although after few years expressed regret, the relationship with the leaders of INTERSERVE India stayed distant since then. The next national director Dr Bejoy Koshy, too had some reservations about both of us because I was initially asked to be in that role which I had declined. The chairman of INTERSERVE India at that time Dr Vinod Shah, was someone whom Anna and I had known well for a long time. But that did not help in improving the strained relationship. 

Although we continued going for the national meetings and offered to be involved in different ways with INTERSERVE Anna and I felt excluded. We were the senior members of the fellowship at that time. We would have liked to be supportive to younger partners. That was not possible because the leadership had some reservations about our thoughts, perspectives and spirituality. 

There was also a change in the way we perceived spiritual calling in the latter years of our association with the INTERSERVE. We pursued a contemplative dimension to our spirituality. There was a drift in INTERSERVE from supporting partners to challenging them to pursue mission of planting churches or influencing the 'market place'. With Anna and I  desiring to live our lives by 'doing good' and be contemplative in thought and action, there was a distance developing between us and the leadership of the INTERSERVE in India. However the opposite was true with friends from overseas. Some whom we have known for several years were appreciative of the way we were in a supporting and mentoring role to some younger people offering them accompaniment through retreats and life formation seminars. Dr Joy Thomas and Grace, Drs.Gordon and Susanna, and Drs. Vijay Aruldas and Kumuda were some of the friends with whom we have retained that association since then.  Also, we were requested by the CMC Vellore administration to be leading retreats for the faculty along with the chaplaincy team. That gave us an opportunity to be involved with some younger faculty with whom we have retained close association since then. The friendship with Rev Dr Arul Dhas, a senior chaplain in CMC has been special and mutual. 

There was an opportunity for involvement with the Christian Medical Association of India, Emmanuel Hospital Association, Christian Medical College, Ludhiana, Christian Medical College, Vellore, Evangelical Medical Fellowship of India, Asha kiran Hospital, Christian Medical Fellowship Hospital, Oddnachtram, etc in the their governing boards. I was privileged to be nominated to the British Paediatric Neurology Association as a full member and to give a key note address at its annual meeting at Edinburgh in 2005. I felt grateful and privileged, when I was invited to be an examiner for the Doctor of Medicine examination in Paediatric Neurology at the All India Institute of Medical sciences. Prof Veena Kala had a special regard for me and what I was engaged in. The opportunity to pursue training in Neurology at the Institute of Neurology in Chennai, leading to the award of PhD in developmental neurology was another high light of my professional training experience. There were some a wider canvas of opportunities for work and experience because of our involvement in promoting child development activities.

The book. 'Parenting your child' which was published in 1999 had gone into six editions with some appreciation for its original approach to co-parenting, where father and mother are seen as partners with children in their developmental unfolding. This book brought us closer to the secular world to engage them on the Biblical ethos of family life. The opportunities this gave us to speak at meetings at schools at Chennai, Vellore, Bangalore, etc brought us closer to people who were looking for pathfinders in their lives. The Life Formation Seminars, Life, Living, and Learning that were organised at few places gave us opportunities to be involved in accompanying some professionals in their family lives. 

It was our practice to get in touch with Mr Arthur Pont and Mr Richard Clarke whenever we visited London, because they were most generous towards us in the early years when we were still finding our way to develop the services of ASHIRVAD. Let me recall the efforts of Mr Arthur Pont and Dr Raju Abraham in 1994 to give ASHIRVAD a large contribution which they raised through a Christmas Cheer programme sponsored by the South Asia Concern. That gift created the facility for purchasing an EEG, EMG and Evoked potential machines, which enhanced the quality of work we were doing. A portion of that gift became handy when we were invited to incorporate the Child Development Centre to create the Developmental paediatrics Unit at CMC Vellore, to offer a contribution towards creating the ASHIRVAD Floor in the Centenary building at CMC, where the new department were to be located.

Dr Raju abraham is a special person in our lives. Whenever I visited London in the early years, he offered to host me. When we went to London in 1986 for fifteen months,  we lived in their home for four weeks until we found our own flat. One thing I looked forward to every day was a cup of coffee with Raju at 5 am. Raju would share his life experiences from the time he was an agnostic during his medical student days at CMC Vellore. It was through contact with Dr Frank Garlick, he found his faith In Jesus of Nazareth. After training to be a Neurologist, he worked at Charing Cross Hospital in London. Later he felt the call to come to India to work in the state of Uttar Pradesh. He now is at the Kachwa Christian Hospital, an affiliate hospital of the Emmanuel Hospital Association. Raju is one of the founders of an organisation for Biblical counselling. He is an inspiring speaker and an ardent student of the scripture because of which I found his insights formative.   

The encouragement we received from different quarters during the time when we were in dialogue with CMC Vellore from 1995 before we finally relocated in 1997 was significant. The friends of ASHIRVAD in Germany, Britain and Australia felt that our move to function in a medical college setting would help to develop the specialty of Developmental paediatrics. The INTERSERVE India had some reservations, where as INTERSERVE Britain felt that it was the right direction to go.

Although there were some occasions from 1991, when we have had some conversations with CMC Vellore India, it was initiatives of Mr Thomas Abraham, the chairman of the CMC Council, Dr William Cutting from Britain and Dr V.I.Mathen the director of CMC Vellore which finally resolved the dialogue to draft a Memorandum of Understanding between ASHIRVAD and CMC Vellore for the move to take place in 1997. Mr Thomas Abraham, a former Indian Foreign Service officer lived in Chennai and visited us with his wife after I met him in the CMC Council meeting.  He had a special interest to foster a new future for the mission of ASHIRVAD. Dr Cutting used to meet with us during his visit to India almost every year and it was in 1995, he was emphatic that the Child Development work we were engaged in needed an academic setting as it had all the prospects to lead the development of this academic specialty in india. Dr. V.I.Mathen when he became the director of CMC Vellore, in 1995, he through the conversation he had with Dr Cutting and Mr Thomas Abraham felt that along with the four other new departments he was planning to develop in the Centenary year of CMC in 2000, Developmental paediatrics too would be desirable. He did encounter resistance from some of his colleagues in the administration, but that too got partially resolved and the CMC Council in its meeting in January 1997 invited us to move to CMC  Vellore.  

Looking back, the sense of belonging Anna and I felt from the time we were invited to be associated with the BMMF was life-giving. When we set out to start the services of children with special needs in 1983, there were more people misunderstanding us than going along with us. It was the BMMF at that time who came forward to affirm our calling and offer financial support in a gracious manner. The opportunities the BMMF provided us including supporting us during our 15 months stay in  Britain when I was doing course on child Development and Rehabilitation in 1986-87 made it possible for what is now a reality- Developmental Paediatrics services at Chennai, Nagpur, Vellore, Kolenchery, etc.  Mr Arthur Pont used every contact he had, to link us with others  because of which we had Psychologists, Occupational Therapists, Special Educators, etc visiting us from Britain and Australia to spend six months at ASHIRVAD during the initial years. 

Through his contact we got to know Ms Katharine and her husband Peter Makower. Katharine wrote the book, 'Beginnings', the story of ASHIRVAD, describing the story till we moved to Vellore which was a good introduction for others to know about our mission and service.  Katharine and Peter  host us when we visit London. Katharine introduced us to Headley Trust, who supported us financially to conduct conferences and to bring specialists from Britain and Australia to help us develop the academic content of the work at Chennai and Vellore.  The Headley Trust was a significant help during those years who also got us connected with the then president of the Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health, Dr Baum, who after hearing about our work at Vellore agreed to come to inaugurate the first national conference we were to organise. His untimely passing away was unfortunate in many ways. He had given me a form to fill up during my visit to his office to award me a honorary MRCP in paediatrics. Before that were to happen he had moved on. 

It was through the association with the BMMF, many good things mentioned above happened and many more enlarging experiences in our lives. Anna and I feel grateful that our children Arpit and Anandit grew up in an environment of meaningful friendships with a variety of visitors from different countries. Their outlook to life and living were influenced during their formative years by all that they experienced through such enriching friendships. Our home was a place for visitors and we cherish the memories of visits from friends of BMMF, which anchored us to be steadfast and trusting during some difficult transitions. 

We moved to be self-supporting partners in 1997, when we relocated at CMC and continued to be partners with INTERSERVE India till we were asked to retire in 2009 through a letter sent to us by its executive secretary. The way it was done was different and unusual. From our experience the partners retired around sixty-five years through a process of consultation and dialogue. That was yet another reminder to us of the discomfort that some in the leadership of INTERSERVE India had towards us. By then the former director of INTERSERVE India had moved on to international leadership, who too had some reservations about us from the time he was in the national leadership.

Anna and I were privileged to be invited as guests for the special thanksgiving service of INTERSERVE  in Britain in connection with its jubilee celebrations. Mr Richard Clarke and  his wife Janice were most gracious to offer us this invitation. 

What is life without its ups and downs! 

So memories that linger on in our hearts are of resounding joy when we think of our association with BMMF. It was only through such affirming acceptance and friendly pastoral care from the leadership of the BMMF we could continue our journey to explore and enlarge the mission we felt was placed before us. While there are shortcomings from our part, and some regrets about the way our latter years of association with INTERSERVE India developed, what stays with us is joy abundant for the grace and provision we found through the association with the BMMF. It was one significant experience which sustained us for twenty five years years and made us believe in the value of what we were called to pursue. 

Ms Margeret Parkinson, before she left India after the formation of INTERSERVE India, visited us in Chennai and recalled some instances and contributions she felt that Anna and I were able to make during our association with the BMMF. She even remembered that it was our plea in the south India conference of the BMMF in 1988 that helped BMMF to stay on India, even after the international office moved to Cyprus. Margaret brought immense comfort to us as that was the time when the difficulties with the national leadership had got intensified. Anna and I felt renewed when Mr Robin Thomason got in touch with us, while we were at Vellore and regretfully talked about the difficult times during his time in the INTERSERVE office. In fact he interviewed us to write a chapter about ASHIRVAD in the book he was writing on some new initiatives in mission.  

The BMMF we knew and experienced was a caring fellowship of pilgrims, who made significant impact in the lives of many, wherever its partners lived and served. Drs Frank and Val Garlick, partners from Australia, with whom Anna and I had forty years of association from the time they worked at CMC Vellore,  were exemplary in their life of godly living, witness and service. 

We rejoice that our lives were lived in the orbit of the BMMF and that made all the difference in our lives. We are what we are today, because of all that  we received from the fellowship and friendship of  friends in the family of BMMF.

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)