Parent-child interaction

I had opportunities to address parents of lower and upper Kindergarten children at the beginning of a new academic year, when Anna and I lived in Chennai from 1983 to 1997. During such occasions, I took time to meet with children and their parents for a conversation. One question I often asked them was, ‘what would make you happy at home’.  One girl, 6 years, told me once in a choking voice, ‘Tell my parents to make time for fun times, talking times, outings and celebrating birthdays’.  It was the first time I realized that a six years old child can actually express her concerns about her family life. In fact, this formed the substance of an introductory talk I used to give to parents, on building communicative relationship with children. 

It is during the recent years, I became even more aware of the wider dimensions of communication process within a family. During the parenting years of two boys who are now adult men, married and with their own children now, we have had to go through some unlearning and learning about the way we communicate to them and between ourselves as a couple. Following their marriages, we have been through more learning experiences in relating to the married children and their spouses. Anna and I have often felt that our children, their spouses and grand children have enlarged our understanding of communication process during the span of the last forty years. It is only when parents and children become partners in this journey of communication for relationship, deepening of relationship can take place.

Let me try if I can summarize some reflections on making parent-child communication process a means for building relationship. The communication process can promote the following:

1. Parent-child identity

2. Conversation times

3. Dialogue times

1. Parent-child Identity 

Anna and I were immensely glad to have been able to spend some days with our grandchildren, recently. What encouraged us was the way, the parents used  their wakeful periods as communication times by singing, playing, reading, talking going on an outing, involving to him. There was reciprocity from the baby with heightened visual and auditory alertness even from the them in cooking and household chores. It was a reminder to us that children are conditioned for interaction and communication. When a baby cries and a parent gives attention to respond to his or her needs, it assures the baby that he or she is in the midst of those who care. All the expressions of care, which parents offer to a baby in the early infancy would condition the baby to grow in trust, acceptance and self-worth. This is essential for a healthy emotional development of an infant.

The communication times provide the milieu for exploring the dimensions of parent-child identity. Jesus of Nazareth separated himself from his parents during a family visit to the temple for listening and dialoguing with the religious leaders on matters of the law and prophets. His mother had to return to search for him, when he was not found to be with the caravan.  He responded to his mother’s enquiry about his decision to stay back in the temple, by stating the intent of his heart, ‘…Did you not know that I had to be in my father’s house’ (Luk.2.49). Although he accompanied his mother to go back home, his parents did not understand the meaning of his statement.

This incident gives us an insight about parent-child identity while building relationship between parents and children. Parents have a natural overseeing role over their children, as Children are physiologically their offsprings. The consciousness of St. Paul about God, ‘who had set him apart’ even from his mother’s womb (Gal.1.15) gives a child an identity beyond his or her physiological identity. In fact, this enhances the value of every newborn baby from being just the fruit of a physiological union of parents, to being divinely called into being. This offers every baby a belonging beyond the home into which a baby is born. Parents are providers to their children while God is their keeper and children are God’s gift to humanity, and not just to one family alone. 

This is most explicitly expressed by Kahlil Green, (1883-1931) in his poem, The Prophet (knopf, 1923).

‘And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, speak to us of children,

And he said:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their Souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, and not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backwards nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness.

For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves the bow that is stable.’ (italics mine)

The parental role is to enable children to fulfill their calling as soon as children are mature enough to choose. The parents do not ‘own ‘children although they beget them. Children are not independent of parents although they are set free to pursue their calling. Parents and children are in an endearing relationship, but not in a binding relationship. This mutually ‘belonging’ relationship creates intimacy and bonding between parents and children.  It also offers freedom to parents and children to view the relationship subject to the sovereign purpose of God the Father, from whom all families on earth come into being. So, parents and children grow up in a self-giving relationship, both actualizing their identity in mutual acceptance and support without being dominating over each other. 

The Abraham-Isaac story (Gen.22.1-19) clarifies the parent-child identity even more. Abraham set out on a journey to sacrifice his son according to God’s command. Abraham and Isaac ‘walked on together’ (v.8) till they reached Moriah, but when they reached the place for the sacrifice, Abraham bound his son and placed him on the altar for the sacrifice (v.9). Our children are ours by birth, but God’s by calling. Parents need to surrender their children to actualize their calling and children in turn ought to regard their parents. 

I remember a conversation with a ten years old boy, who lost his costly fountain pen, which his parents gave him on his birthday. I asked, if he would get scolded by his parents for losing the pen! He replied, ‘the gift may be lost but the giver’s heart has not lost the giving spirit’. I wonder whether parents can carry the giving spirit knowing that, it is to God the giver of the gift, we surrender our children to fulfill their calling. This frees us from clinging on to our children and burdening them with our expectations. The Biblical call is, ‘freely we have received, freely we shall give’. It is this openness that shall make parent-child relationship a life-long adventure of a mutually supportive anchor.

2. Conversation Times

The conversation times at family mealtimes, during an outing or playtime or shopping, etc. is usually spent in sharing information, listening to each other’s views and ideas. They form the most important link between parents and children to grow in emotional bonding. This calls for guarding such times without being preoccupied or distracted. One comment I heard from a seven years old girl, about her parents is that ‘they are around but not present’. She was desperate for more conversation times at home. Children need to learn a lot through conversations-speaking by taking turns, showing respect even while disagreeing, sandwiching criticism between complements, learning from the experiences of others, understanding values and morals, etc. 

A psychologist whom I personally know well for fifteen years, who studies conversation content within families, recently told me that the subject of such times have shifted to films and film stars, new products in the market, holiday resorts, investment an savings, etc. These are adult oriented conversations and not formative for children. So, if children try out smoking, drinking alcohol, dating, pornography, gaming, stealing or cheating, it is likely that they have not had their minds soundly formed through conversation times at home. Anna used to read stories, biographies and general knowledge related information during our mealtimes, picnics and outings and during long car travels until children were in college. They formed a substantial part of our efforts to build in an inner fabric of values and sound thinking in our boys.

I find that listening is a challenge for most of us, as many interests and needs compete for our attention. I found a parent attending to her daughter’s conversation, while she was entertaining her guests at home. This three years old girl, brought a dead butterfly from the garden and said to the mother, ‘where can I bury it’! The mother after hugging her, excused herself from her guests and accompanied her daughter to the courtyard. She buried the butterfly in a place of her daughter’s choice. Later this mother told me that, the conversation was all about growing more flowering plants in the garden so that butterflies would not starve to death. The family had watched a documentary on children of the world the previous evening, which had some scenes of children in refugee camps in Somalia suffering from starvation.  For her, Somalia was ‘non-existent’ emotionally, but the butterfly did matter to her.

This is how young children’s mind works. They are stringing ideas but are looking for coherence and clarification. Often, children cannot wait for another occasion, as they cannot keep a question hanging in their mind. Their questions often need instant responses. It is one of the reasons why they can appear to be nagging. When denied of that attention due to parental preoccupations, a child can grow up with a feeling that, ‘I do not matter to my parents’. 

A cardiologist who leaves home early and returns only at night mentioned to me that he feels distant from his teenage son and daughter and feels distressed about it. He attributes it to the lack of conversation time he had, when he was growing up. Although it did not exist for him, I encouraged him to spend leisure times with his children to break the ice. Three months later, he was ecstatic about the newfound freedom of conversation with his children. Therefore, it is never too late to start the practice of conversation times. In most instances the intimacy between parents and children can be restored, if they can create unhurried times of listening and discerning. 

The words of Jesus, ‘Let children come to me for theirs is the kingdom of God..’ is an invitation to adults to revise their attitude towards children.  As parents it is our responsibility to make children feel that they have access to our time, and attention.

3. Dialogue Times

The dialogue times are structured times, usually about 20 minutes each time on a topic that a child would like to discuss. They can be topics, which get discussed at school in and outside the classroom. It is done when both parents are present and is organized for all the children together or one child at a time on a topic previously agreed upon. The dynamics of this dialogue is that each person gives his or her opinion on the issue on the first round followed by questions, clarifications or disagreement in the second round. The third round is to express what has become clear or not clear, in which case ,one of the parents would sum up the time with a plan to meet again sooner or later to continue the dialogue if necessary. 

The idea is to help children to discuss matters logically, rationally and critically. The purpose of such times is to give an opportunity for children to express themselves and feel valued for his or her opinion. Most children would settle down to make these times valuable for themselves and parents, once they know that their opinions are listened to. The impulsive anger or loud disagreements or interrupting conversations would also settle down over a period of time, when they know that they have their time for conversation. Usually each child takes turn to moderate these dialogue times, which is one way of introducing them to leadership skills. 

It is during such times, self-disclosures would take place directly or indirectly, which is another value addition to these times. In fact, parents would be glad to have had, an access to the thought world of their children during such occasions without making children feel intruded into their privacy. Most parents form opinions about their children from what the hear from their teachers, friends, neighbors, etc. It is more common to pay attention to the complaints,which parents hear from others and make children feel guilty. Sometimes parents do not make an effort to explore the truth with children and stay biased by what they hear from others. The dialogue times can become most useful private conversations with one child. This gives parents an opportunity to draw near to a hurting child and offer comfort, which is what a child would need when he or she is guilty of an act of commission.

As children go through transitional ages of preadolescent and adolescent years, the dialogue times become even more important. Many children by then are under pressure to conform to peer behavior which they normally hide from their parents. It is the fear of reprimand and punishment, which persuade them to hide facts and truth from parents. It is good for parents to accept that the transition years are turbulent periods for children and what they need is companions to accompany them to conduct themselves soberly. Children would be more comfortable if parents can give them some concession and understand the pressures under which they function. Parents would do well if they can affirm their child and strengthen his or her resolve to change.

The story of the boy who gave away his five loaves and fish to Andrew when he went searching for food at the request of Jesus to feed five the thousand people, is an illustration of the way, a child can be made to think and behave. Normally children would like to hold on to what they have. This child was willing because it was Jesus who was asking for food. Andrew’s friendly demeanor made a child do, what he would not have done ordinarily.  This is a lesson for parents.  The parental involvement with children is to lead them to do what is right and desirable, even though it looks difficult initially. A child’s mind consents to kindness and thoughtfulness more than to reason and logic. 

A catholic Father who is involved in rehabilitating children living in the streets, explained his approach to wean away children from substance abuse, stealing and criminal activity. He has daily meetings with them in the evening around a meal. For weeks he would have to listen to a child before he can influence a child to change. The dialogue times, in a group or in private facilitate to build trust between him and children. He is able to help children when they are ready to change. This catholic Father was amazingly patient.

Anna and I recall several dialogue sessions we have had with our boys when they were growing up. One particular question from our older son when he was around five years opened a new chapter in his life. He asked us, ’Can we have a piano at home’! Although it took a while before we could have one at home, he began his piano lessons then and went to on to complete his Royal College of Music examinations during the school years. He uses his musical skills extensively now and is inspirational to others to advance their musical talent.  It was during the late teen years we have had several dialogue sessions with our younger son about his desire to own a motor bike. It took a while before we could come to an agreement on the conditions attached to the use of a bike. He reciprocated well to our trust in him and became cross-country biker. He became an example to others on the good practices for safe biking. 

The aspirations of children get expressed when we create occasions to affirm parent-child identity and promote conversation times and foster dialogue times. When this happens, parents are in touch with the spoken and unspoken needs of their children.

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)