The Light and shadow !

 

The difference between the first photo and the second one above,  is that the second photo has shadows on some buttercup flowers. 

It is the light that casts shadows.

What came in between the flowers and the sunlight is leaves and other flowers obstructing the light. 

What obstructs friendships are shadows cast by misunderstanding, acts of omission and commission and withdrawal from wanting to relate. 

I have had some share of this at my work place during the last four years and during in my involvement with an organisation for five years. 

The relationships lasting for twenty five years got overshadowed by the mixture of experiences that I referred to above. 

I did my part of apologising, but that did help enough to move out of the shadow of hurts and disappointments. 

What obstructs the relationship is the harbouring of hurts and grief. 

When the Sun moved to its mid day position, most of the the shadows on the flowers disappeared. 

What made the change was the unhindered light!

I have begun to think in the recent years that the what obstructs the light falling on renewal of relationships is anger, hurt and justification. 

There were times when I felt comfortable to apologise and approve myself for having done that. That did not do enough to feel well towards the people with whom relationships were strained. 

It was while dwelling on this state of confusion, I returned to a book that I read in 2014, a copy of which was in our study since then, The art of SIGNIFICANCE-achieving the level beyond success, by Dan Clark. In the chapter, Forgive instead of Apologise (p211) the author referred to the scourge of anger, letting it all out and beginning a journey on healing. 

He began the section on 'Real Healing' by writing:' Let us deepen our understanding of forgiveness as healing' and suggested five step process towards forgiveness. 

The first is to move out of a victim's mentality thereby stopping to blame others. Instead take the responsibility for the personal part which would have contributed to the strained relationships. By one's openness to admit one's own wrong doings, one moves on to be co-equal with the other person who might also be suffering. What is primary,  is willingness to move from the past to the present, when the door of opportunity calls us to demystify the events of the past.

The second step is to be genuinely sorrowful for what one personally contributed to cause the stress in relationship. When that is genuine, one is no more in a justifying or defending mood. I have had to deal with this which is what took a long time. I occasionally slipped into  an accusatory tone of thinking, although externally appeared to be regretful. 

The third step is a personal confession of admitting to oneself the wrong doing, and preparing oneself to make that confession to the other persons involved. When it can be done without expecting a similar act of response from the other person, then confession is a sign of accepting responsibility and regretting for the hurt generated by what was done. 

The fourth step is restitution which is perhaps a difficult process as this involves a favourable response from the other people. Sometimes one  has to wait for a period of time before a response comes from the other people involved. To arrive willingly to undo the damage and express keenness to restore relationship is in one's domain. I feel the incremental progress I have been able to make in this direction.

The fifth step is to practice the discipline of remembering the past events no more. It has been possible to practice this to large extent. When people out of curiosity still asks about the past events, I am able to refer to it lightly and gloss over it, dissuading any discussion. 

In this journey towards healing through forgiveness, one has to be committed to move slowly and steadily as sensitivity of how one feels and others respond are intertwined. 

Today, seeing the shadow on the Buttercups flowers fade away with the sunlight falling on the flowers, I got further encouraged by this process in which I am involved. 

Offering forgiveness in itself is liberating and moving forward. Even when forgiveness is not reciprocated, there is freedom to move on, as one has genuinely done all that is in one's control. The outcome of restoration of relationship might happen or not happen. In either case, the process is important to become neighbourly towards others. 

The shadows are real; the light is also real!

A life well lived would have had experiences of shadows; but when they are recognised and responded to, one is in the path of wanting to live in the Light!

Jesus of Nazareth said, 'I am the Light of the world..'!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)