The butterflies appeared to be feeding on the juicy fruit, from the sight of their body movements and intense activity with their sucking behaviour.
The Rambutan fruit had something to draw the butter flies towards them.
That thought stayed on with me during the day!
This question appeared as a meaningful exploration on the seventh day of my retirement. The Genesis passage of creation story refers to the seventh day, when God rested after working on six days to create the earth, separating it from the water and darkness with which that it was covered.
The last six days were spent on getting ready to the next phase in life. One step towards was to convert the garage as a good enough place for a meeting place. The car got displaced to the adjacent parking place.
I decided to set apart the seventh day for reflection and inward attentiveness.
At seventy five years, how am I to be open enough for others to draw near and find support and care! At the end of day, five thoughts became a road map for a way of living for the years ahead.
Friendliness
Forgiveness
Fortitude
Fairness
Focussed
1. Friendliness
At seventy five years, friendship leads us to a new frontier. All are friends and no one is a foe. we are a community of humanity, in a collective journey from origin to our destination. The biological family centeredness recedes to the background and the vision for the human family becomes a reality to pursue in thought and action. What would this involve for me! Making efforts to seek after the wellness and welfare of others, which ought to include more strangers and not acquaintances alone!
This message caught my attention in a touching way, when a motor cyclist stopped to give the right of way to me on a narrow bridge, although he was nearer to the bridge than me. At the bridge I stopped to reciprocate his goodness and he smiled profusely and acknowledged my gratefulness with grace.
Making an effort to do small acts of kindness and expressing courteousness all the time! It was soon after this, a car driving fast from the opposite side rode through the pool of water speedily splashing water on the scooterists and few others coming from the opposite direction. The splashed water covered the front glass with mud that I had to stop the car to improve visibility.
It was after this, when I continued driving it occurred to me that befriending others would involve inconveniences, hurts, and disappointments. Nevertheless the journey to be friendly is to feel for others, knowing that it would be an assortment of people and multitudes of behaviour that one would encounter.
2. Forgiveness
It would take a new quality and depth to relate to others, when one arrives to live the latter years of life. The usual way is to live with peace with all people around, but in certain situations I felt inclined to withdraw as relationships became burdensome. Then there is a natural distancing, Often underneath such steps of ignoring or indifference would be subtle events of past leading to misunderstanding, suspicion and blaming.
For senior citizens, such a path of waiting to forgive or avoiding a person because of hurts would not be a normal thing, as life of experience would have told them that it would be a sign of maturity to approach a person with generosity and consideration even when that person behaved otherwise. The saying of Jesus of Nazareth, '..love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who persecute you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you'(Mat5:44) becomes a bench mark for behaviour as one gets older.
In the enthusiasm of youthfulness we justify our actions and accuse others of their actions. This changes over years, as we get to feel that we are right just as others can also be right in a given situation, in which case the relationship can be based on how we regard the other person.
Recently a person told me that I do not call as often as I used to. His enquiry was, 'Have I offended you in any way'! Actually I did feel offended over his attitude over a matter that needed his help, which he declined to offer. His action determined my response to him. That was unfortunate response form me.
Living with a forgiving spirit would mean communicating regards and thoughtfulness to people around to the extent that is possible. The other person is forgiven and not remembered for what he or she did not do.
3. Fortitude.
The adverse circumstances of life are always with us. The strength of a person to encounter danger or bear pain or adversity with courage is what we consider as fortitude. I wonder if fortitude also would mean 'vicariousness', an ability to bear the pain of others or face adversity jointly with a person going though a difficult circumstance.
Our domestic worker is now recovering from low back ache. Another domestic worker has been away for two months on account of her operation. The one recovering from low back ache offered to come to work earlier than we suggested. He insisted in doing what he could do. This meant a lot to us as we were struggling to get the garage ready to locate the activities of ASHIRVAD. While I sit and write this blog, in this converted room, I feel amazed the way this domestic worker responded to our difficult situation. He made us feel comfortable and supported me at our transition time.
I guess that most of us can endure and face difficult situations, but it is yet another experience when we share the pain or adversity of another person, This would make a difference by building his or her confidence and courage.
What we do for ourselves would bring returns to us. What we do for others would primarily would benefit them. Sometimes we do not get acknowledged and some other times what we receive in return is not proportionate to our efforts of self giving. In the Biblical story of woman of Zarephath, a widow who was gathering sticks to light a fire to make a meal for her and her son, faced a request from a stranger, Elijah. He got displaced from a brook at Cherith as the brook dried up and the ravens stopped bringing bread to him. Feeling hungry and exhausted after a long journey, Elijah's request was to make a small cake first for him. The woman did that! To me this fortitude. Although the woman knew that she had only enough flour and oil to cook one meal for herself and her son, with the famine taking a toll with no rain in sight, she offered to reach out to another person. This legendary event had a surprising end. The woman found that the flour and oil did not get exhausted till the famine ended (I Kings 17:8-24).
This is the other side of fortitude, which only a widow, living deprived in the thick of a famine could show forth, because she having endured enough, had inner space for consideration to others who also lived deprived. Our adversities make us feel the pain of others! This is larger than personal courage, It is incarnational presence in the situations of of others.
4. Fairness
I confess that I have a tendency to be biased or one sided in thinking and action. I tend to feel drawn by what appeals to me. One could justify that as an acceptable model of younger people as they are often in a hurry, chasing success. They feel inclined to dominate andante seek for acceptance.
At seventy five, the need to chase success or recognition ought to diminish! Instead one is endowed with inner freedom to live justly and honestly mindful of others. A senior citizen walked back to return the excess cash, the shop keeper gave him after a purchase. While narrating this he told me that he was restless till he returned the excess because of wanting to bet honest. Well, one might say that it is common to do so.
The otherside of this story, which the senior citizen found out was, that this gentleman who runs a busy provision shop habitually gives excess balance after a purchase, to about ten people on Fridays to find out how many of them would return the money or telephoned to offer to return. He was doing this survey for six months to know the level of honesty in the community where he lives. On that Friday this senior citizen alone returned the excess money. Usually it is I or 2 percent who used to return money.
This speaks a lot about the barrenness of fairness, honesty and justice in public places in our society.
As I grow older, I get a sense that fairness is an attitude. I was offered a seat to sit in the bus, by a younger person. During a personal conversation during that short journey he told me that, for him thinking of the other person or offering to help is an act of fairness towards others. He being an engineer, works with a team of 12 professionals. He maintained cordial relationships with all of them and their families. He had a generous attitude of thoughtfulness which came out of his commendable consciousness, of who others are and how much they need to be valued and regarded!
What a contrast to the many ways, some promote self importance, which is sometimes sickening to watch!
5. Focussed
I suffer from procrastination, scattered interests and diffused planning. These matters received some attention and it would become the concerns that I want to address in the coming months.
I remember making a list of possible opportunities open before me in 2008 at the time of my superannuation from the Christian Medical College, Vellore. Among a few, one concern which stood out was dialogue on integrated living. During various meetings, in the following years it was more or less clear that most professionals live driven rather than with a rhythm to their life at work or home. There was so much of activism and compulsion to perform that professionals carried work related stress home and family life related stress to work place.
During some engagement with younger professionals, I got a sense of avoidance to face up with this reality. After attempting to explore with professionals a way forward in their personal and family formation, the response did not enthuse me enough to stay engaging with younger professionals. I returned to active clinical work in 2010.
Now looking back, over the last 13 years, I find that the voice that was needed to inspire professionals to live humanly, relationally and soberly was faint. I was not able to overcome the initial discouragement and accompany, who were ready to find a larger meaning in personal and family life beyond professional achievements. Adult formation, parenting, family times, and renewal experiences in life are matters which need greater exploration.
The inner life of a person is the least explored human domain. A person is becoming human only as much as his or her interior life gets attention through planed journey inward. Life begins and fullness in life dawns on us only when the life questions, 'Who am I, whose am I and who am I becoming' are regularly considered.
A young man, confessed to me that his name is a misfit to him because he does not have the character that symbolises that name! At thirty he was struggling to become the person embodied in his name. Knowing that it was unlikely that he would symbolise the character of his name, he was a heart broken person. It took few conversation times for him to accept to be the person referred to, in his middle name. He received a new vocation to become himself! When I met him after ten years, he talked about the freedom that he found, when he was not required to be the person that his name represented in the Biblical story!
I realise that one's vocation in the retirement years could be to pursue to be oneself and help others to become themselves.
Dose it not suggest that many young professionals live and work to become the image they have been told to become. The real person remains submerged and life gets subsumed in pursuit of transient significance in life!
The aroma of Rambutan fruits brought butterflies.
I keep asking myself at 75 years, do I carry the aroma of Friendliness, Forgiveness, Fortitude, Fairness and focussed pursuit in life!
How much more, we can make our life as an offering of service to others!
M.C.Mathew(text and photo)
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