As I watching this Drongo bird feeding on the nectar from a flower, I kept wondering at the skill of this bird to locate nectar in a small flower. In its flight between trees it spotted the flower. Its ability to find its need amidst all the foliage! It is only a bird of the air and yet it is drawn towards its source of its daily provision.
I have been though a desert experience with denial of peace and comfort in my work place for a short time now. The heart cry of the psalmist was to acknowledge 'How lovely are Thy dwelling places...passing through the valley of Baca, they make it a spring, the early rain also covers it with blessings..' (Psalm 84; 1, 6).
I pondered over it while watching the Drongo. How peacefully and restfully it feeds! That led me to meditate on the strained relationship at work place. I come to an awareness which relieves me partially of anxiety which has afflicted me for about a year now. The Drongo was a messenger to me.
Relationships change
Each of changes as we grow and in that growing process, our views and perceptions change. What seemed comparable and contributory would undergo changes as life experiences take us through different terrains and we choose differently from the other person with whom one might have had a trustful relationship for a while. It is not a reason for discord or conflict but a green signal to go beyond that relationship. In one season of life that relationship was mutually supportive, but later as the inner orientation changes and one leans towards a view of life that is consistent with one's inner changes, there is a desire to leave behind relationships that seemed good only for a season. Th only exception to me is in marriage where the journey to become one is a journey towards each other to find the common identity. In all other relationships, the personal trajectory is to become fully oneself, which naturally releases a person from trappings and attachments, to grow into that stature that we envision for ourselves. So older relationships might fade or become peripheral and new relations emerge. I recall many such instances when such movements from one orbit to another happened naturally and yet with great appreciation and reverence towards those who formed the fabric of one's life at one season.
Relationships age
The ageing process of relationships we ought to consider seriously. A teacher whom we might have adored over a period of time could become peripheral in our growing up years although we would gratefully remember his or her contribution towards our formation. What is ageing of relationships! It is an obvious need or unspoken need that leads us to relate to others. It is seldom that any relationship emerges except for a need. The need is transient and dynamic. I needed a computer teacher at one stage, but at another stage that was no more necessary. That relationship had a time frame. To hold on to that relationship which was need based beyond its time frame creates a void and redundancy. I still remember the ones who introduced me to typing, computing skills or driving, but they are people with whom I get in touch at the Christmas time to express gratefulness. Out of about 20 residents that I was associated with at CMC Vellore it is just one who communicates regularly. Out of the many undergraduate students that I came to know at MOSC it is adjust a handful who keeps in touch. This is natural and ought to be seen as the limitation in relationships. We do not tear ourselves away from a relationship, but we move on, during which we make new choices and encounter new people who can resonate with the current level of our inner journey state and direction. Saying farewell with much gratefulness would be normal in relationships.
Relationships become cloudy
What characterises a meaningful relationship is transparency and openness. If this were to suffer the relationships would become distant and less meaningful. However earnestly one might try to sustain that relationship, it might become a burden as the ambience fo relationship has changed. When that happens it is good to accept it as the natural phase in a relationship and stay in touch with each other and not strive to return to the earlier intimacy. What is not intimate or personal looses significance. When there is a distance in relationship it is a sign and an indication that a friendship is in metamorphosis. To honour each other gratefully and also offer space for each other to move on in one's own way is freeing and honouring each other.
Relationships become superfluous
Any experience that does not become deeper in consciousness and acceptance is likely to have a short life. Many relationships we keep are just acquaintances which is a social requirement for our work life and life in the neighbourhood. We receive each other in such relationships as those who are aware and appreciative and yet our lives do not have any common experiences. with them. This happens to most of us. What seemed to evolve as an upbuilding relationship suddenly becomes a shallow experience as it is no more life giving, but draining. We do not deny of contact with each other but such contacts are of only transient value.
Relationships can end in a conflict
This is too is natural and the breakdown of relationships could end in pain and suspicion. When conflict arises, it is necessary to safeguard the secrecy of relationship thus far enjoyed and stay appreciative of each other. The compulsion comes upon us to justify ourselves and blame the other. No relationship breaks down jut because of one person. It is because of both. So it is good to keep the communication alive to the extent possible but stay silent from any disclosure of the difficulties to others beyond what is extremely unavoidable. Even if the conflict gets resolved by mutual effort, remember that conflicts can recur as the differences are due to diverse experiences of life and an emerging incompatibility in perception. A conflict is not for confrontation but acceptance and accommodation of differences and to move away without being strangulated by the burden of having to preserve what might have already become redundant.
Relationships can last
Those relationships are non-utilitarian relationships. Both offer gifts of thoughtfulness to the relationship and do not drain the relationship with expectations, obligations or insistence on returns. The relationship is a giving relationships, but not controlling. This is the subtleness in any relationship. If giving is spontaneous, then it is not with an intent to gain something personal by giving. Any relationship that lasts would often have this feature: space and boundary. There is space enough for each person to be oneself and not a replica of the other. There is boundary which is designed by mutually acceptable levels of engagement. It is this which protects each other from leaning too much towards the other or desire conformity in opinion and action. Such relationships are not need based but person centred, arising out of regard and respect for each other. Both feed into the relationships because the ambience offers a formative fabric equally for both.
Relationships can be fruitful
One aspect of any endearing or intimate relationship is that it benefits others and not just each other. When the effort is to confine the relationship between two people alone, it shall soon or later become stale or sour. But if the focus of sharing times or conversations are for reaching out to others and enable them to feel accepted and loved, that relationship moves beyond a selfish pursuit to a missional orientation. I remember many occasions when few friends invited me to be involved in visiting others or supporting others or befriending others who looked wounded, the relationships got strengthened. Some of the relationships that have grown are those which involved this dimension of offering space for others and growing in mindfulness of others. There are two families whom a few friends are jointly accompanying now, which to me is a sure sigh of the virtue of relationship.
Any relationship which is not fruitful is short lived and can become a burden to carry.
But relationships which include others in order to share the joy of friendship, is what would be life giving and mutually uplifting! If we have received goodness from a relationship, its natural outcome is to share the blessing with others.
On the day of celebration of the rebuilding of the wall of Jerusalem when the people assembled, Nehemiah said to the congregation,' Go, eat of the fat, drink of the seed and send portions to him who has nothing is prepared..'(Nehem.8 :10).
M.C.Mathew(text and photo)
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