Seven years of the seventy one years !

The season of the recent seven years of my life started with relocation in my parent's home after having been away for forty years in other parts of India and overseas. It was my mother's ageing and bed bound state, which made Anna and I return to live here. The one year Anna and I had with my mother before her home call was a transition time to get used to a new culture of 'god's own country', which is how the tourism department of Kerala government introduces the Kerala state to visitors. It was during that year I too had to be hospitalised for by-pass cardiac surgery, which stretched to three months of convalescence. My mother's home call following this unsettled me because it happened abruptly and earlier than expected.

What was daunting then was all the responsibilities associated with living in a large property in an old cottage of eighty years or more. Every time there was a rain or storm, trees fell, compound wall broke down, or the cottage leaked. There were three domestic helpers to look after all the daily chores, but soon it became difficult to manage one of them, who preferred his own ways or more leisure than work. To say farewell to someone who was working for twenty years was stressful. So Anna and I began with too much to cope. 

Then came another big choice to make. Would we stay associated with the Church of South of India of which we were members for 25 years or associate with my parent's church in our village! We chose to worship in a church where the liturgy was in English. That naturally distanced us from many friend's of my parents. Although we made an effort to stay in touch with some of them, it did not bear fruits.The denominational affiliation seemed to determine even personal friendships. 

Amidst these initial adjustment process, Anna and I reflected on Erickson's seven stages of development. We knew that we have travelled through infancy, early childhood, middle childhood, adolescence, early adulthood, middle adulthood and arrived at the season of old age.

Erik Erickson (1902-1994) was a stage theorist, who proposed eight sates of psycho-social development. During each stage, two conflicting ideas would need resolution in order to feel integrated in thought and action. Those stages are: Trust vs mistrust (birth to 1 year), autonomy vs shame(1-3 years), initiative vs guilt (3-6years), industry vs inferiority (6-12 years), identity vs role confusion (12-18years), intimacy vs isolation (20-40 years), generatively vs stagnation (40 to mid sixties), integrity vs despair (mid sixties to end of life).

Anna and I entered the late adulthood as we were nearing our mid sixties, in which case the psycho-social development we were faced with was integrity vs despair. This period according to Erickson was a season that would generate either a sense of satisfaction or sense of failure. 'People who feel proud of thier accomplishment feel a sense of integrity and they can look back on thier lives with few regrets. However, people who are not successful at this stage may feel as if their life has been wasted. They focus on what "would have", "should have", and "could have"been.They feel at the end of their lives with feelings of bitterness, depression, and despair'.   

Looking back over the last seven years in the light of the understanding we receive from the theory of  Erickson, now in my stage of despair vs integrity, I have had to face this transition and conflict to bring into life the consciousness of grace that is at work to let us move on. 

Let me touch upon seven experiences of this conflict of despair and integrity, which Anna and I faced during the last seven years.

1. Social milieu

Having come to live in the village where my parents lived sixty years of their lives, I was naturally seen by thier friends and acquaintances through the optic of my parents. My parents were role models for many. Having been teachers for forty years of their life time, they were known to most people who lived in and around our village. My parents were sociable and outgoing and had a circle of friends whom they influenced. My parents were in the central role in forming a church denomination by breaking away from another church tradition. On account of this they had detractors as well. They turned a barren property in which they lived into a thriving farm and acquired new properties and made them yielding properties. My father mentored other landowners and farmers in agricultural planning of their property. My parents were people of finical and moral integrity. 

When Anna and I returned  to live in the village, I was expected to continue the tradition that my parents were known for. We knew few people in the village except our neighbours, having lived away for forty years. During the first three years when we no longer could fulfil the social profile that neighbours and others expected of us, we felt excluded from the social circuit in the village. In fact the Bishop who came for the funeral service of my mother, said publicly that he came to honour my mother, rather than on account of friendship with either of us. Anna and I had known this bishop from the time he was just a theological student and had many contacts with each other during the in between years.  

Anna and I resolved this conflict by choosing the contacts and friendships we wanted to develop. We deliberately slipped out of any compulsions or obligations and gradually built around us people that we can turn to for conversations and engagements. We felt distant form some friends of my parents, but found A door of opportunity to be relational to some. 

So the despair with which we began in the social milieu got better year after year. Although some friends we sought out in the medical college we work did not reciprocate proportionately, we felt content with the initiative we took to reach out and receive the level of friendships they were ready to offer. The circle of friendships in Chennai, Vellore, Pondicherry and elsewhere through our involvements with EMFI, CMI, EHA, etc spanning over a period of thirty five years too began to change due to infrequent contacts and distance. It was with overseas friends we kept up our steadfast efforts as they kept 'watching over us' during a major transition in our lives, which for them was a risky process of losing the thread of connections which held our lives at a meaningful realm. In fact we made two overseas visits during this seven years in order to have our lives replenished by their warmth. Most of them have crossed our age in life and are in their situations of adjustments in health and independent living. One dear friend passed away in an exceptional way, which brought in to focus the need to stay integrated no matter what effort might be needed.

Although both Anna and I have lesser contacts with the extended members of our families, Anna's resolve  to reach out has kept those links alive. I need to do more towards my parent's families.

So here we are finding some resolution to a conflict in living at the social milieu in which we are currently located. As both of us have designated permanent resting places next to the grave of our daughter, Anita at Vellore, it is likely that we feel rooted only lightly in this social setting. The destination of our permanent resting place does influence the way we live our latter years. In that sense, we have some friends who are closer to us at Vellore than how feel towards people in the current social setting.  

Life is still  evolving in the social milieu. 

2. Professional milieu

There was an opportunity to begin a Developmental Paediatrics and Child Neurology service at MOSC Medical College, Kolenchery, close to our home. Dr K.C.Mammen the founder director of the institution, Dr Sojan, the Medical Superintendent and Mr Joy Jacob, the current secretary of the hospital were behind creating this opening. ASHIRVAD, which had established a similar facility at PIMS, Pondicherry was no longer able to continue the facility. All the furniture, equipment and educational infrastructure from PIMS were transferred to MOSC and the department began in a space borrowed from the Forensic department, thanks to the generosity of the then Dean Dr Radhakrishan. The hospital recruited an office secretary, Tinu and a domestic staff, Sally. I got in touch with Susan who worked at Developmental Paediatrics at Vellore when we started the department in CMC, but was working at Ernakulum. She readily agreed to be part fo this new initiative. Thus on 14 September, 2012, the department welcomed children to begin this service which has now completed seven years.

The facility currently consists of a Child Development Centre, Early Learning Centre, Learning Resource Centre, Transitional Planing Centre, Family Life Centre, and Distance Developmental Monitoring service. The Hall of Residence to welcome children for short term stay did not take off as expected. A team of eight professionals offer service to children coming from near and distant places. The unique part of this facility is that there is along term contact with many children, who are residents of this region, which gives us an opportunity to follow the developmental evolution of these children.

A new initiative is to collaborate with a local school, St Peters, Kolenchery, to establish an Activity Centre for children who need activity based learning, which would subsequently develop into a Need Based Learning Programme for those who have learning related challenges.  

The department started conducting a fortnightly clinical meeting for all the faculty involved in children's health care, which got suspended after Dr Hanna, the Paediatrician left.

The involvement in post graduate and undergraduate learning has not been as much as we desired.  

There were seven ICMR student research projects with five publications. Although there are another five research projects currently, their progress towards completion is rather slow. 

The opportunity to be involved with Bangalore Baptist Hospital for eight months during this calendar year led to the beginning of a weekly high risk infant clinic and a child development clinic. The community centre for early learning for developmentally disadvantaged children is evolving into a regular schooling facility. New professionals recruited fo this purpose are getting integrated as a team. 

I retired formally at seventy years, but continue to be associated with the department in its transition planning. With the trend in the department of young professionals coming and going, there is a stress on the momentum of its development and stability. But what the professionals hold together is a dream to transform this facility into an Institute of Child Development and Pedagogy.

I would have liked to commence a mentoring programme for paediatricians and psychologists through modular learning with contact and distant modes. But it is only in a nascent stage of planning. 

What has evolved is a fairly commendable model of continuum of service in child development with offer of leaning support corresponding to the learning needs of children and families.  The parenting education programme currently is in its evolution. 

I have watched this initiative grow and innovate. I am amazed at the way the team owns this initiative because of which, I have returned home every day restful not burdened. 

3. Supporting Roles

I was invited to return to the Governing council of the Christian Medical college in 2012, which I did with some resistance as I had moved out of all governing boards when I turned 60 in 2008. It was because of repeated requests from the chairman of the council and the director of CMC Vellore I consented. I was later invited to be vice-chairman and subsequently the chairman of the governing board. Most of the experiences during the five year period were memorable. 

It was the time when the institution was active in developing the Chittor and Kanigapuram campuses with major investments on expanding the services and bed strength.The medical college was preparing for its Centenary celebration. The NEET examination became compulsory seriously threatening the autonomy of CMC in selecting undergraduate and post graduate trainees, because of which the college had to appeal to the Supreme court for preserving its own admission process. There arose a conflict between the administration of the college and some of us in the governing council on this issue. The administration decided to forego the undergraduate admission to press the supreme court for a favourable consideration of autonomy in admission, where as some of us felt that we could still welcome students using most of the routine process we follow at CMC including sponsorship for students by mission hospitals  provided we welcome students who are NEET eligible. This led to a serious break down of communication with the administration. Even the advocates representing CMC too favoured CMC going ahead with the admission process. But the administration prevailed upon the advocates to change their mind in favour of not admitting students till the legal pursuit was over. Following this I had to be responsible to lead the committee appointed to select the new director and associate directors, which witnessed the key administrators putting undue pressures on the choice of the new director and associate directors. With hostile statements made against me from members of the administration in the governing council of being partisan, I called off my association with the governing council.  

That one year was an intense travail. I spent 2018 reaching out to most administrators and few others in the governing council of CMC to send conciliatory letters. After all, they were friends for long time. I owed them to know of my openers and regards for them inspite of differences of opinion. Some since them responded thoughtfully and some others keep a distance and avoid greeting me when I meet them in public places. 

I associated with the governing council inspite of my hesitation, as it provided an opportunity to lead retreats for the faculty during that period. Although only five retreats took place, I feel it was still worth the association with CMC for that purpose alone, as some faculty recall the benefits of teh retreat even now.

I was requested to contribute articles to the Christian Medical Journal and Voice, which I did for two years. That opened up conversations and correspondences at a meaningful way with some people whom I had not known before. 

The association with the catholic community involved giving some presentations on life, living and learning to professionals in health care.

I have had opportunities to present perspectives on developmental paediatrics at some fora and contribute professional articles to journals. The articles on autistic behaviour in children did receive seem attention as it departed from the current assumptions on the causal pathway.   

               

I felt disinclined to respond to many invitations to attend meetings or speak, as I felt that I was entering into a phase of consolidation of my life.

The original formation group that I was part of, which met annually at Royakotta 25 years ago is a group with whom Anna and I have infrequent contacts. Anna and I made subsequent efforts to form another Formation Group on Life, Living and Learning, but it is still not in sight!

4. Campus life

Anna and I have many stories of our MOSC campus life and experiences in the campus around our cottage where we live in the village.

The MOSC medical college was in the eighth year since it began, when we came to join the college as members of the faculty. The  students were generally friendly. The first person whom we met was Rejit who was then a junior resident, who is a consultant now. Subsequently we got to know Thomas through the research Anna initiated for medical students. From his batch, Rhea, Anjali and Caren became regular visitors to our departments and our home. That was a good introduction to the student community, The four friends were thoughtful and mindful of others in the senior and junior batches of students.  There were instances of serious strain between groups of students which led to disciplinary action from the authorities, which made the tension even more intense dislocating friendly gestures between students. The Dean often turned to me for help in negotiating between students. Anna and I were able to get to know students in small groups to understand and respond to them and it took about two years of regular meetings to  diffuse the differences. I still remember one inter batch social evening we organised, which was at the peek of a serious breakdown of communication between them. Although such meetings did not turn out to be promising, the process of dialogue initiated meant a lot to some students who later took the initiative to resolve petty quarrels. The cultural week was contested between batches, which intensified these quarrels Subsequently the cultural events were held between houses which meant that the houses had students from all batches. The competitive spirit became healthier and the earlier quarrelsome attitude declined gradually. 

What provided a valuable access to students was the opportunity Anna created by designing studies for clinical research which made them eligible to get ICMR student scholarships. With about 20 or so students involved from each batch in research, the contacts with students became a means of influence in their formative process. Anna was the founder research-co-ordinator of the institution for four years. Anna helped some students who volunteered to publish their research in journals, or  platform  or poster presentations in student conferences in India and overseas. I remember having get-togethers with these student groups on various occasions, which to me were occasions to have conversations on seminal issues of learning, living and relating. Some of these students keep in touch even after they have left the institution. To have added a dimension of clinical research to students was indeed a privilege and we feel grateful to the students for taking this seriously. It is now an institutional activity, with some faculty and a statistician actively involved in promoting research in the institution. The happy memories of informal get togethers with four batches of research students at our home stay with us.

Another significant association with the students was through the foster students forum we formed to stay in touch with. Although the foster parenting practice is not active in the campus, we were able to sustain contacts with some students regularly. The birthday celebrations or other happy occasions gave an opportunity to know most of them at a personal level. How much these gatherings influenced

 their thinking, perspectives or values would be known only in the future! We were glad to have have had this on going contacts with students. 

One major contribution we received from the student community in the department of Developmental Paediatrics and child Neurology was their active participation with the annual Christmas Cheer we organise. They organised badminton tournaments for students and faculty, raised money for the department by organising a 'save one rupee campaign' among students and faculty, and offered various help to conduct anniversary functions and sale of the hand made items. In fact, it was the students who were actively involved in decorating the Early Learning Centre, Learning Resource Centre, Child Development Centre, etc, which gave them an opportunity to become familiar with the services we offer for children. As students are not posted for their clinical learning in the department these informal associations gave us an opportunity to introduce them to child development and developmental disorders in children. The T shirt design completion, Logo design competition for the department, and the survey on attitude to life and learning in the campus, etc stand out as other special occasions which brought us closer to students in helping them feel involved in the activities of the department. 

Although there were occasions of conversations with the management in planning for faculty formation programme, departmental envisioning process, Talent search of professionals for the departmental or institutional leadership, etc. none of these thoughts got translated into sustained activity. I feel intensely concerned about this as they could have become good traditions for a young medical college. However, the initiative of the former dean Dr Rex to introduce rotating headship of the departments was a breakthrough, after several meetings with him to foresee the benefits of this for faculty development.  

During the recent discussions about celebrating the 50th anniversary of the hospital in 219-20, there were some thoughts exchanged between different officers in the management about making it a 'jubilee' year of looking back and looking forward in terms of the mission of the institution. This could become a process of affirming the purpose of the hospital and college and recall its values,   ethos, ethics and economics in the institution. Instead of having a range of activities, this could become a 'soul searching process' to go beyond capturing a vision for community life, student nurture, faculty formation and teaching-training mission. I am not sure if that is perceived and pursued while planning for the golden jubilee !

On the few occasions I had an opportunity to meet with Dr K.C.Mammen, the founder director of the institution, who along with a few other senior doctors from CMC Vellore started the hospital fifty years ago, I sensed that his sense of direction was to create a community hospital in a rural setting and engage the issues of the community comprehensively. For him, healing was integrally connected with personal faith and pursuit of wellness, no matter what religious or no faith tradition a person came from. He foresaw the prospects of bringing a transforming touch in the life of all those who visited the hospital through the expression of the vocation of caring by the professionals Now in his eighties, he has many anecdotes to narrate to motivate and propagate the mission of the hospital. 

The other campus experience is at our cottage. When we came to live here, it was a wooded place with thick vegetation, plantation and overgrowth and little moving space. Following the planning of the campus around our cottage to be a walker friendly area and dividing them into small lawns with plants and bushes at the edges, there was a sense of space.

The first impression we had of the campus was the awareness of the resident and visiting birds, butterflies, dragon flies, etc. We sealed the house from access to the the rodents. Trimming of the trees, cutting some of them, planting more nutmeg trees and plants took a lot of attention in the first three years. Now we receive the benefits of them.

Thanks to the domestic helpers, we have had during these seven years, the home  has been a place of hospitality for day visitors and resident visitors.  We have a sense of celebration over how this property which was at risk of ruin since my parents were not able to attend to them during their ageing years, is being now restored.  We are grateful for the new look and the sense of a home all these changes have brought. 

We feel grateful that we have a place that we can invite friends to come to for short retreats in a nature friendly setting. Our cottage is away from the main village, but facing a stream, paddy fields, and having wooded land areas around it. Although when there is a storm we have had trees getting uprooted, it is not a serious threat to the property. It is an effort to keep the property nature friendly, which is scattered in three adjacent portions, separated by a public path which my parents created for the convenience of our neighbours.

     

So we have a sense of celebration for having been blessed with the fruits of labours of my parents, for their decision to acquire the  land and turn it to be a yielding farm. 

From the early morning till late into the evening we have birds singing to us giving us a sense of nearness to nature. The kitchen garden, many fruit bearing trees and shrubs and hedge pants, all of which we planted and tended give yield proportionate to our efforts. This is a life message which we now have experienecd to be true- you receive when you give!

Living just about 20 Kilometres away from the college where we work suits us well. It gives us the benefit of short travelling time through the village scenes and yet offering an opportunity to all those who would want to visit us come home. 

Although our home is a not a frequently visited place by the faculty or students, some of the visits which students made have been edifying and refreshing. We hope that our home would be a place that people are happy to come to,  to experience an unhurried pace of living in the heart of nature!

Our two canine companions, Daphne, and Dulcie give us a lot of opportunities to stay active physically. The acquarium inside the house and outside in the courtyard have different ornamental aquatic beings, which is an attraction for children who visit us. The bird house of pretty 'Love' birds lay eggs but for some reason, the eggs get dropped out of the nest by one of the birds who has not yet adjusted well to the family of six. A walk around the property is about 500 meters long and a few rounds give us the physical exercise we need. Since my cardiac surgery, Anna and I used to walk five kilometres everyday with Daphne which has now got reduced to about three kilometres on five days a week.

There is a great lot of upkeep required to keep the property user friendly. It is now one year since we have been building the compound walls on the three property and presently we are left with about 150 meters of wall, the last bit of 50 meters is now nearing completion. It is the frequent landslide and falling off the masonry walls which prompted us to embark on this  expensive wall construction using granite stones or concrete bricks. The roof of the cottage, car shed and the outhouse would need attention as white ants and leaking tiles have damaged the wooden structure. The earthen tiles on the roof are at least sixty years old and would need replacement. The electric wiring has got replaced over the last two years which spares us of the frequent shutdown due to faults in the wiring. The automatic lightning conductor is effective and since its installation we do not have any equipment damaged due to thunder and lightning.

All of these also involved expenditure. Although both of us have no regular pension, the salary we get from the hospital made us comfortable thus far. We are not sure how we would maintain all these, once a regular source of income is no more available when we finally retire two years from now. Although property is an asset, it is not often easy to make land transaction transparently, which has delayed our resolve to sell part of the property.

As we grow older all of the upkeep of the property would become more difficult. But the joy of living in our cottage and receiving the multiple benefits of living in a quiet and serene campus has given us energy and hope to think about the future soberly and trustfully. 

5. Family Experiences        

Anna and I lived in 12 rented houses during our active professional work in five locations. It was Anna's longing to live rest of our lives in our own home. There was a pressure to build a new house initially for which we bought a property at Vellore, which would have been a designed a family home. I am glad that we differed it and can use this eighty years old house for our needs as of now. For just two of us, this home is abundantly suitable with most of the facilities we need well provided  for  inside and outside the house.

The experience of living in a rented house gave us nightmare once, when we were asked to vacate a house in two weeks when we lived in Chennai, while Arpit was preparing for his entrance examination to join a medical college. Sister Mary Theodore of MITHRA in Anna Nagar offered us the use of its two guest rooms for three months while we were house hunting. The landlord was compulsive in his decision to vacate us because he wanted to oblige a family friend, who needed a house. What compensated for that disturbing experience was Sister Mary's kindness and thoughtfulness to be a Good Samaritan to us at that time when our attention was fully on Arpit's medical college admission.

I feel glad that Anna has her own home now for the last seven years which has given her an opportunity to decorate the house in the way she chose. We have two kitchen portions which too has received her creative touch with most of the facilities in place. The book room is at the centre part of the house where I have a circular work table, where I sit most mornings and evenings reading and writing. Anna designed the front area to be a drawing room cum her work table area with computer set up that she needs for her research correspondences.

Our children visit us often. They have their bed rooms and cupboard spaces. Both families find the house and the campus interesting and spend a lot of time outdoor. There is enough activity area and multiple play items for grandchildren. In fact there are four cupboards of toys and books which keep them occupied well. They seem to indicate that they look forward to their time here. Both families  spent a long week with us when I turned seventy last year. That was a memorable occasion.  We loved to watch the grandchildren from both families sharing the joys of playing and communicating. Arpit and Amy and Anandit and Aswathy, who live and work in medical settings have found their vocation and pursue their calling seriously and fervently.

Anna and I have our rituals and routines. We begin the day with brewing coffee, which according to Anna is a man's responsibility because the Bible has a book in the New Testament, 'He Brews'! I have thoroughly enjoyed the exercise which has given us a taste of coffee from different parts of India. Since I have been asked to avoid regular coffee, I brew decaffeinated coffee now. It is during this morning activity, I take time to reflect on life in the family. I feel grateful to Anna for her steadfast companionship. Since my work setting involved being with children and families who have neuro-developmental needs, I have had times of stressful experiences to carry forward a mission that involved exploring an unchartered path. Since I was the first Paediatrician in India in 1983 to give full time service to design the spectrum of activities in Developmental Paediatrics, I have often been in exploratory pursuit.  It was Anna who was stoically steadfast in her commitment to support and undergird the efforts. Anna spent fourteen years with ASHIRVAD Child Development Centre at Chennai, where she was actively involved in clinical and administrative roles, till we moved to CMC Vellore in 1997 to start the Developmental Paediatrics unit in collaboration with ASHIRVAD. Anna continues to look after the accounts of ASHIRVAD and keeps in touch with the Income tax department and Home ministry to fulfil all the legal requirements.

I use the coffee brewing time to recall the journey of four decades of our lives. It is also a time when I remember our children and grandchildren and feel with them while they go through different experiences.

Our habit of having breakfast with porridge on the week days, frees us from the pressure to find time to cook in the morning. The domestic helper would usually keep something ready for our evening meal, which has also worked out well for us.

The daily ritual of reading the Scripture and prayer in the morning has provided us the spiritual refreshment to grow in nearness toward each other and feel the consciousness of God in our lives. Our travel time to hospital is a reading time when Anna uses a text from the Scripture and some reflections on it from the Daily Bread. We find time to have lunch together which is a good break and gives us a short and plesant time together. Dr V.I.Mathan and his wife Dr Mini made it a practice to have lunch together all through the years, when they worked at CMC Vellore. Referring to this he once told me that, 'meal times are fellowship times; even silently being together is a means of communion'.

Our return journey from the hospital is a reflection time of our experiences and encounters. We restrict it to our experiences and refrain from references to others as much as possible especially if we had a difficult experience. When we allow the difficult experiences to settle down in the interior of our conscious mind, the thoughts and attitudes get refreshed in the milieu of our soul, where the spirit within us frees us from damaging thoughts towards ourselves or others. Our evening times are unhurried times usually, even if we come home only by 6 pm. The canine friends at home wait for us and they demand some time of play and walking. Another routine of the evening is to iron clothes  for the next day. There were times when we had to go to work with un-ironed clothes due to shut down of electricity. We have got used to early dinner and a reading time after that. Anna and I listen to a portion from a book we choose to read, following which Anna leads in reading from the scripture and written prayers of saints. Anna would go on to do her work on the computer and I usually close the day by 10 pm after posting something on the blogspot. The week ends are usually loosely structured and is a time to stay in touch with family and friends on phone and through mail communication.

The routines and rituals which are part of our lives were largely influenced by our association with Dr Hans Burke, who introduced to us the practice of a reflective dimension in our daily rhythm. It was he who led us in to the practice of meditation and silence, as a means to live in touch with oneself and God of our lives.

During the last seven years, this dimension has further grown within us and between us and we have experienced healing and renewal through times of meditation and silence.

The corporate worship and Bible study occasions have suffered in the last seven years. As the worshipping community that we belong to meets at 7.30 am thirty kilometres away from us, we have not been regular for the corporate worship on Sundays.

So books and reading times have become our companions to find nurture for our soul. The spirituality of 'being and becoming' has taken a central place in our consciousness.

The leisure times of playing, excursions, picnics, outings have become less frequent, which is not what we would have liked.

I have been more regular with taking photographs of nature, especially resident and visiting birds in and around our cottage. I am not sure if I am any better in taking sharp pictures. But it has provided me opportunities to be more perceptive and reflective on life lessons which come to us from nature.  

I find the life at home to be a significant dimension of life at this season in our lives. It is a place Anna and I learn to live mutually aware of each other! Our association with friends in different parts of India and overseas offers us an upbuilding dimension to our lives.

6. Formative Journey

The late sixties and early seventies in one's life is a season of transition in growth and development.

What defines a person or a couple is purpose in life. Having gone through the different seasons in life, the latter years would embrace a new dimension of consolidating the experiences of the earlier years, 'handing over', 'letting go' and practising the art of the call of life to ' reduce, simplify and renounce'!

So beyond sixty is another season of formative exploration. The adjacent family travelling with me yesterday while returning from Chennai, articulated what Anna and I have often talked about since we came to live in Kerala. We live in a culture in this part of India where the senior most member of the family seems to usurp control of all decisions including the trivial ones. This elderly gentleman decided the menu of the evening meal each person ought to have even though two children wanted something else other than what he had chosen. Two other adults sitting next to me quietly grumbled over the choice of the menu. Sometimes others leave the decisions to the older members and some other times the older people are keen to  impose.

Every generation ought to pave way for the next. It is in doing so, we free ourselves from becoming redundant. A friend living overseas mentioned to me yesterday that parents are not even keen for their children to follow the wedding rituals that they are used to. The couple about to wed chose the place, time and the format of th wedding service. It might sound to be another extreme. However the message is clear that the role of the elders is to leave the larger space for other members of the family and find a new space for themselves by sharing their generosity with others and receive what they are given. The 'wisdom' of the elderly is of experience, insight, and clarity. They are received only when asked for. To live the years beyond sixty the way one lived for sixty years, is a sure risk for disaster in  relationship and harmony.

How do we facilitate this transition. I hear Anna talking about her desire to have our physical heritage  equally distributed between the two children and their families. She has already embarked on it in a serious way. I am possessive of some of my physical acquisitions and I too have to take the plunge to have them left behind with a warm and grateful farewell. I had a suggestion form Dr Frank Garlick that it is good to leave formal responsibilities earlier than when you might be asked to relinquish. I feel good that I was able to exercise relinquishing my responsibilities as chairman of seven organisations earlier than I was expected to leave. In my professional role in the last seven years at the department, I feel glad to have progressively replaced myself from major roles in the department.

How does then one find the purpose for the latter years of one's life! It is by choosing to be present without regret or aspiration. This presence would appear to be lesser in role than one was used to having but perhaps more significant in mission. Dr Hand Burki, who was the associate general secretary of the International Fellowship fo Evangelical students was considered as an outstanding Biblical scholar and speaker who had an itinerant role in forty countries for two decades. When he felt his time had come to leave, he chose to conduct annual retreats for twenty people, drawn from different parts of the globe for one month to lead them on to a formative experience of 'Life Revision'. About three hundred people would have come for his retreats, which he organised till his home call. I know of at least fifteen of them who refer to this retreat experience as a seminal and redeeming experience in their lives. Now that, they are in their late sixties or seventies, they too have found freedom from the lure of position, possession and promotion in life. They live lives open and ready to fill the gaps in the lives of others.

It is necessary to find and live with personal fulfilment without the crutches of being wanted, valued or recognised. Where does this personal fulfilment come from! It is from relationship with God and with your spouse, family and others. The relationship with God is often utilitarian when we are young. We turn to God because we need many things and God's blessings. But later in life, God becomes a companion whose presence we seek and celebrate, because His being in our lives becomes a quiet a presence of inner consciousness. We live in the blessedness of that presence because of which all the 'things of the world grow strangely dim in the light of His presence'. Our relationships with our spouses too changes from he or she being our provider or protector to being a companion  for communion in growing fondness, trust and self giving. Others in the family become people  we look upto.   We receive and regard friends because of our growing mindfulness and the desire to affirm them for who they are!

There is joy in living which an acquisitive desire cannot provide. This joy in the latter years of life springs from seeing others prosper, achieve and become resourceful. Those with whom Anna and I have had long years of mentoring relationships have moved on to become people who matter to others who bring a formative influence to their lives.

This period is also a time to discover new interests or rediscover interest which remained dormant. Anna has re-discovered the joy of knitting and is less keen to do word puzzles although she often got the prize for submitting the completed puzzle in the Deccan Chronicle. I have rediscovered the interest in reading, gardening, and innovation in child development.  Most of these engagements offer no competition to others. Often others do not even get to know what we do. Since I stopped going for professional conferences when I turned sixty, I have had a natural distance from professional colleagues whom I had known for thirty years. The latter years in life is to descent to the bottom of the pyramid where there is space and freedom unlike in the top of the pyramid.

The bright side of this revised perspective about life, living and learning is that we need less and  have plenty of goodwill to offer. It is this most people lack and long for.

Dr A.K.Tharien, one of the founders of the Christian Fellowship Hospital, Oddanchatram, told me three months before his home call  that 'he lived well and he was sorry for hurting others and was glad to have helped some in a small way'. It was a moving summary statement of life! It was a true confession of self awareness he grew into in the latter years of his life.  

7. Discerning the time

I have watched many changes in the society, church and voluntary organisations in India during the last seven years.

The social fabric has changed dramatically in the last seven years with majoritarianism influencing the governance style of the national government. There is economic prosperity for the middle class but distress for farmers and small traders. The idea of India is getting consumed by an ideological imposition from one political party. There is a pressure to conform and the print and visual media seem to have consented.

The denominational conflicts in some churches have become too ugly to watch. The leaders in the church are under scrutiny for their acts of commission and omission in personal morality and handling of public property and money.

The voluntary organisations which run schools, colleges, hospitals have a profit motive because of which they are resorting to compromise on values and ethical means.

I have not been through such a despairing situation, where what was upheld as solemn values  of democracy are set aside for partisan gains.

I am grieved by the ease, comfort and jubilation with which the leaders of the national government resort to withhold information, conceal facts and propagate what is far from truth to create euphoria and conformism.

We are in a political dispensation where the drift towards autocracy has begun! There is a talk towards making the current prime minister a life time prime minister! More changes in the constitution of India might be in the offing to suit the ideology of a particular political party and its feeder organisation.

As for me the last seven years has been a season of living in hope because life has more to give !

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)