The Light within!

On Saturday I was greeted by these candles, made in the department where I work, arranged neatly on the central table, to be packed for display on the tenth anniversary of the department two weeks from now. I felt moved that candle has become a symbol for all of us in the tenth year because what it does to us and others-showing the path forward!

Later in the day, I received an autographed copy of a book written by someone, whom I knew from a distance, during my association with an institution. The book is a memoir of events and experiences. 

One chapter in the book is about the institution and some happenings during a difficult period of the institution. There are some valuable reflections.  There are some other  impressions and perceptions not representing the whole truth. Some statements are even ungracious and misleading. The text did not  attempt to bring a closure to a dark period of stress in the administrative council of the institution. It opened up the wounds once again. I received all that is written about me and pondered over the statements questioning my integrity! 

I had felt wounded, while involved in the governing council of the institution to uphold truth and diffuse the fall out of making facts public. Now through a memoir, I felt whipped again. I voluntarily relinquished being involved in the affairs of the institution when I knew that the institution needed more light than I was able to offer, at a time when personal ambitions of some people dominated the conversation.

I come back to the light that the candles bring! I confess that I was not good enough as a light in the life of that institution towards the last part of my involvement. 

 

A candle is lit and placed to be a light for pathfinders. I spent the last four years since I left the governing council, pondering over the crisis that I faced when I was involved in the affairs of that institution. Having been introduced to the philosophy of the Quaker movement of passive resistance, I was used to viewing situations from that optic. What I did during my involvement with the institution was to find a middle path in a polarised situation and be persistent to resist what in my perception was, an unhealthy personal gainful pursuit of some. In this process others felt wounded and I felt devastated. 

While reading this book of memoir, it brought back the same question that I lived with! How do we reconcile with people who feel wounded while discharging one's responsibilities! 

Having been involved in the leadership responsibility of four leading organisations in India, spread over two decades, I have a personal confession to make. The truth that one seeks after is beyond the truth that we witness or would find in public a space. 

The truth within is larger than the collective truth that we sometimes feel compelled to endorse. 

If one were to live with pursuit of that truth, then one becomes charitable and thoughtful towards others because of whom or whose comments, one feels wounded. 

During the last four years I wrote letters of gratitude, confession and apology to about twenty people whom I felt was wounded by what I did or did not do. I have yet to receive a response from some of them. Those who responded have been gracious. I have been preparing to write to five other people who were in the heart of the difficult time that I faced. I hope I would feel enabled to do so during this year, which becomes the tenth year since I was invited to be involved in the governing council of the institution, where I faced a stressful situation. 

With that I hope I would be able to move on sensing the larger purpose of a difficult season in my life! 

The regret that I have yet to overcome about this season is that, I was not gracious enough to endure gently, reciprocate more kindly, and care more thoughtfully! I wish I was more alive to feel the pain of others rather than get subsumed in the distress of suffering from trust deficit. 

The light within reveals more darkness as one cares to look inside. While looking more inward, one becomes even more gracious towards others. One learns to view others not from what they do, but who they are as people meant for a larger destiny in life! To grow to see others as those created in God's image! That to me was the larger purpose, that this book of memoir brought home to me! 

When I sensed this I sent a message of thanks to the author! 

The inner personal endorsement of efforts one makes to be humane is what one is left with! 

I too want to light a candle in gratitude for the growing consciousness of enlargement within. 

M.C.Mathew(text and phot)