I watched above sight of the dancing clouds from our courtyard at home. In less than five minutes clouds had gathered and a bright late afternoon had become dark. Soon a heavy down pour followed. In another half an hour the sky appeared in its evening robe.
I felt amazed in this sudden turn of quick events in the sky. A bright afternoon turning cloudy and the sky getting cleared after a down pour!
I have had time recently to reflect on relationships in my life with people whom I have known for years and people whom I have known for short periods of times.
Most relationships have had an even profile with trust and acceptance all the way long. A friend from the UK wrote to ten of us who used to meet for reflection and retreat every year for six years. It is now another 12 years since we last met. One obvious reference in his letter was memories of such meetings and common experiences shared.
I had a telephone call from a younger friend on Sunday, with whom I have not been in touch for at least three years now. The relationship became distant as his parents with whom I had close association felt suspicious of me and he went by what his parents felt about me on certain matters!
A third conversation in the same week was about a person who reminded me that it was my habit to send greeting notes of appreciation and encouragement regularly, which I do not do so often as I used to. He wondered the reason for this!
After watching the cloud formation in a bright afternoon, I got a sense of the clouds that can strain relationships. What are these clouds!
Expectations, disappointments, suspicion, anger, jealousy, feeling not valued, not getting due regard or acknowledgement, assumptions or interpretations.... the list is long.
I remember a senior friend, whose habit was to do a monthly audit of his relationships. He grouped his contacts into three categories: acquaintances, friends, companions.
He had a personal audit process, with which he scored the Relationship Quotient for each month. When he noticed that the score went negative, he would take time to revisit conversations and contacts to find if there was a trace of distancing from his side! If it were to be so he would mend it by getting in touch and restoring the atmosphere of openness. I know that he has been doing it for about twenty years. He is one who searches to find something good and praiseworthy to comment upon. He builds relationships because it is the way to bring nearness and trustfulness between people.
The conversation style is a deciding factor in building relationship. I recently discovered that I overtake conversation time by referring to memories and stories thereby giving less time for the other person to share or raise questions. This is a trap that senior citizens fall into. It ought to be the other way in reality. It is the younger people who can help in the formative process of senior citizens.
The senior citizens are required rot learn to live in the present. Their roots might be in the past. But their presence ought to be in the current context, which the younger friends around us can help us to discover.
I got a sense of that yesterday while talking to a colleague. It was good to hear thoughts and aspirations, which opened my eyes about the space that person would need to pursue the future.
The Relationship Quotient is all about the space we create for others so that they can find acceptance in our thoughts and plans without them having to struggle to receive our attention. The corridor to relationships can be short or longer. Also keep refreshing the relationships with feed back of acceptance and affirmation.
I get reminded of this all the time by what Dulcie and Daffny do. They would come to be stroked and leave on their way to play and explore. However they need this frequent contacts.
I had a new consciousness of the importance of staying in touch yesterday when a friend dropped in for a conversation. His question was, 'how to make relationships work'! He has had a difficult time recently!
The clouds would gather. Fortunately clouds lead to a down pour! In all relationship there out to be occasions to clear the cloud through conversations and expression of acts of kindness to clear the air and bring back transparency and trustfulness!
M.C.Mathew(text and photo)
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