Saying, Yes and No to children

One of the common struggles parents have is to choose when to say ‘Yes’ or ’No’ to their children. As Arpit and Anandit were growing up, I suspect that this struggle was intense for us. One major struggle for us was to decide when to let them watch TV and which programme, when we had an access to a TV at our work place. Anna was creative enough to choose video programs which were educative, instructive, and creative. 

Often there are more ‘Nos’ said to children than what is necessary. Anna and I did an audit of the number of ’Nos’ we said to them in a day and were surprised that we said so many that were not necessary. 

Does it matter if a child chose to eat one food one day and not the other! Does it matter if they played little extra one day! Does it matter if they slept early or late on one day! Does it matter if they chose to wear one top and not the one Mummy chose! It does not matter, if they attempt to cheat in the excitement of a game, as such an instinct will be short lived in a home, where values are held high.

Another struggle was when both boys would have liked to have toy guns. Our obvious response was ’No’ initially, till we thought about it further and decided to explore with Arpit and Anandit as to why they want to have toy guns. One of the prominent toy items on display at that time in the toy shops was guns and they were popularly used by boys at many homes we visited. At our weekly family meeting we allowed the boys to set some ‘good practices’ while using the gun. They decided to shoot only at targets and not at each other. They chose to play with guns when other children visited home as it would be difficult to restrain them from following our agreement. They agreed to play with it when one of us was around at home.  

The affirmative, ‘yes’ is what we shall communicate to our children. If they know unconditionally that we have a ‘yes,’ to their gender, skin colour, complexion, appearance, performance, temperament, etc. they are safe and secure emotionally to accept some ’Nos’  to things or pleasures, which are necessary. 

I remember the delight of the child in this picture, when his mother let him take the toys which were in my consultation room. The mother had said ‘No’ several times fearing that he would break them. That ‘yes’ was a ‘yes’ to his capacity to play with it and not break it; it was a ‘yes’ to his freedom to play; it was a ‘yes’ to his choice; it was a ‘yes’ to believe in him to be responsible; and it was also a ‘yes’ to stand by him, incase he faulted.

Say ‘Yes’ to a child and then 'Nos’ for things will be received by the child generously.

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)