I take thee...

There are different church traditions for the marriage service. One practice in one denomination, I found most appropriate and worth emulating is how the couple make their marriage vows to each other during the wedding service. 

Normally the bride and the bridegroom face the altar and the celebrant faces them. Holding their hands across the aisle, the couple make the vows repeating after the celebrant, facing the altar and the celebrant. 

During this marriage service the celebrant made the couple face each other and the celebrant himself standing between them, facilitated the couple to read out the vows to each other, rather than repeat after the celebrant. 

From the rear pew in a large hall in spite of the echo in the hall and noise outside of the passing by of the traffic, the couple was visible to the large congregation and their vows fully audible. The non-traditional churches have made adaptations in the order of service for different occasions. This change I witnessed, made me feel that the vows were spoken to each other more personally and solemnly.

I felt that the vows, which is the central part of the marriage vows were made more couple centric in this order of service. The couple begin by expressing responsibility mutually on their own, without assisted by a celebrant. This affirmation they make to each other, self expressed, seemed more authentic to the occasion, as I reflected over it.

Many of the worship practices and order of service of different occasions are getting revised to correspond to changing times and needs. I wish, we would make changes to affirm the truth and move away from some traditions that outlived the time!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)   

   

Beginning well and staying fresh !

This is the first joint activity which a newly married couple would perform publicly when they come for the public reception. It is symbolically done to wish them ‘sweetness and freshness’ as the tender coconut drink is both of these. So it is a good beginning after having made the marriage woes to care for each other. This incorporates the theme of togetherness and shared living.

I heard an elderly couple sitting next to me, seeing this on the stage,  whisper to each other that ‘It is different after the first day. Husband  does what he likes publicly and the wife does what she wants privately’. This disturbed me. It sounded to me as words of  betrayal of fidelity in marriage. Although I know that there is a four fold increase in the number of couples seeking intervention from the family courts to settle family disputes or seek divorce,  I  live with hope that the majority would practice permanency and intimacy marriage.

What we need to do is to help young couples to choose some symbols that they can recall and periodically exercise between them to refresh the essence of the marriage. One elderly couple told me that it is a custom for them to take half a day in a month to a go to a quiet place to talk to each other about their experiences as a couple- sharing appreciation and affirmation to increase the sense of belonging.  They listen to each other and refer to their disappointments or difficulties. They unburden themselves to each other to make the personal baggage of emotional turmoils lighter. They have a special occasion once a year, when they say the marriage vows to each other and put the ring on each other yet one more time, in the presence of their family of children and grand children. What a solemn way of remembering the marriage journey!

I wish each married couple would choose symbols, gestures and exercises which they can practice regularly or occasionally to refresh themselves with the heart of marriage, which is love and self giving to become ONE.

M.C.Mathew (text ans photo)        

'Unarmed truth and unconditional love'

The caption to this is taken from a phrase, late Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. used in his response speech, at the time of receiving the Nobel Prize for peace. 

Let me try if I can bring this phrase and its meaning in the context of marriage. The truth about marriage is that the 'two shall become one flesh' in a setting of unconditional love.

There are two flower bunches of red Ixora, originating from the same stem.  These flowers would symbolize a man and woman coming together in marriage, from a common human family. Each person is distinct and has similarities and dissimilarities. The two  bunches appear wide apart at the bottom, but converge and intertwine with each other at the top. 

In fact, the second picture of the same bunches of flowers, taken from another view, does not show the two stalks. They almost look as one large flower, with a noticeable notch between it in the centre, as the only indication that they are actually two. This is the growing reality in marriage that the two individuals have an enlarging common space between them, created by mutual  relationship. There is a drawing power towards oneness in marriage. This truth is not a force that demands compliance, but an invitation for an experience of the delight of oneness in marriage.

What is this drawing power that makes it happen? It is unconditional love. 

I watched this expressed between an elderly couple. The husband needs  help for mobility in a wheel chair and his wife navigates the wheel chair. The wife is hard of hearing and the husbands lip reads news, conversations, messages, etc to his wife. They both have constraints in their abilities but create space for each other's well being. Each partner brings into marriage, skills, resources and abilities. There is acceptance, communication, forgiveness and complimentality which constitute this unconditional love. The conditions of expectations and projections fade away in such a setting.

The unconditional love in marriage relationship becomes an authentic reality, if the couple is open to receiving the unconditional love of God as God alone is love and He alone can make us loving and lovable.    

There are three practical steps couples can take for this oneness to emerge. Find unhurried time to talk and listen to each other. This provides continuing connectivity emotionally. Secondly, express acts of kindness and tenderness to each other to grow in  intimacy. Thirdly, focus on marriage enrichment by a discipline of exercises to promote communication, trust and mutuality.

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)

Acknowledgement: Anna and I gifted a photo of a similar flower bunch to Anandit and Aswathi as a symbol for their marriage, three years ago. We found a similar flower bunch this week. This prompted me to write this.  

Argument within marriage relationship

I listened to a couple today,  married for seven years, talk about several arguments they have over different issues. Listening to them gave me some isights about different contexts in which these arguments take place between spouses.

1. Accusation. An argument can start off when one partner blames the other person about something, which can escalate in to an angry exchange. Often, the the atmosphere is surcharged with blaming and countering, giving little opportunity for reason to diffuse the tension. The safest way to diffuse the situation is, by one of the partners  becoming deliberately quiet and allow the situation to settle down for the time being. There will be another occasion to revisit to clarify, correct or apologize.

2. Domination. Many couples can attempt to control or dominate each other. This can happen in different ways. When it is by argument, it is by putting down the other to prove a point and to establish authority. This is a 'power play' which can recur and estrange relationship of intimacy. The way forward is to view the relationship as complementary and interdependent, so that each partner can be comfortably placed in the relationship, with each honoring and esteeming the other. It is wise to pull out of an argumentative mood on such occasions. One person has to give in, but if it is the same person, who is always giving in,  it needs attention. There is no possibility of mutuality, when there is a dominating drive in either of the partners. 

3. Confusion. In a marriage relationship, the partners can go through rough times due to several pressures upon them. Each person can stay pre-occupied with work, chores at home, children's need, etc. that there is some distance emerging between the partners, raising doubt about each other's commitment or availability. These are tentative and fragile times in marital relationship and arguments on such occasions are based on misunderstanding and doubt about each other. Arguments can end up in ventilating frustration upon each other which will be too heavy for the other partner to bear. Each partner needs to bring up issues of serious nature when relationship is stronger and intimate. It is necessary to build relationships through acts of kindness and thoughtfulness to avoid escalation of trust deficit rather than attempt to justify each person's position through an argument during such a season in marriage. 

4. Clarification. Some arguments are necessary to clarify each other's position on an issue. Such conversations clear the atmosphere of misunderstanding. It is necessary to receive each other's position and begin building relationship with acceptance and appreciation. It is wise to keep such conversations short, less analytical or  inquisitive. Such arguments are to listen and welcome the other's point of view. There will be questions to which clarifications are offered, When a couple can use such occasions to understand each other, the quality of relationship will get naturally enhanced.

5. Consensus. Every couple has to argue with each other when some decisions are to be arrived at. Whether it is concerning purchasing a household item or going on a holiday or r matters related to the discipline of children, etc. the couple need to have a convergence of opinion. Often such arguments are healthy and productive, because both partners are eager to listen and arrive at an acceptable conclusion. The openness to listen is evident that these arguments do no create suspicion or irritation. There is an anticipation of arriving at a wise decision by consultation, that most couples are drawn towards each other in greater love and appreciation at the end of such an argument.  

Arguments are a form of conversation. All conversations are meant to enhance communication and marital harmony. Some arguments will disturb  marital harmony and some will enhance it. A wise couple will choose arguments that will have a salutary effect on marital harmony. It is necessary to keep a golden rule in marriage relationship- both will win or lose together. Therefore any argument which does not promote communication is out of place in marital relationship.