I listened to a couple today, married for seven years, talk about several arguments they have over different issues. Listening to them gave me some isights about different contexts in which these arguments take place between spouses.
1. Accusation. An argument can start off when one partner blames the other person about something, which can escalate in to an angry exchange. Often, the the atmosphere is surcharged with blaming and countering, giving little opportunity for reason to diffuse the tension. The safest way to diffuse the situation is, by one of the partners becoming deliberately quiet and allow the situation to settle down for the time being. There will be another occasion to revisit to clarify, correct or apologize.
2. Domination. Many couples can attempt to control or dominate each other. This can happen in different ways. When it is by argument, it is by putting down the other to prove a point and to establish authority. This is a 'power play' which can recur and estrange relationship of intimacy. The way forward is to view the relationship as complementary and interdependent, so that each partner can be comfortably placed in the relationship, with each honoring and esteeming the other. It is wise to pull out of an argumentative mood on such occasions. One person has to give in, but if it is the same person, who is always giving in, it needs attention. There is no possibility of mutuality, when there is a dominating drive in either of the partners.
3. Confusion. In a marriage relationship, the partners can go through rough times due to several pressures upon them. Each person can stay pre-occupied with work, chores at home, children's need, etc. that there is some distance emerging between the partners, raising doubt about each other's commitment or availability. These are tentative and fragile times in marital relationship and arguments on such occasions are based on misunderstanding and doubt about each other. Arguments can end up in ventilating frustration upon each other which will be too heavy for the other partner to bear. Each partner needs to bring up issues of serious nature when relationship is stronger and intimate. It is necessary to build relationships through acts of kindness and thoughtfulness to avoid escalation of trust deficit rather than attempt to justify each person's position through an argument during such a season in marriage.
4. Clarification. Some arguments are necessary to clarify each other's position on an issue. Such conversations clear the atmosphere of misunderstanding. It is necessary to receive each other's position and begin building relationship with acceptance and appreciation. It is wise to keep such conversations short, less analytical or inquisitive. Such arguments are to listen and welcome the other's point of view. There will be questions to which clarifications are offered, When a couple can use such occasions to understand each other, the quality of relationship will get naturally enhanced.
5. Consensus. Every couple has to argue with each other when some decisions are to be arrived at. Whether it is concerning purchasing a household item or going on a holiday or r matters related to the discipline of children, etc. the couple need to have a convergence of opinion. Often such arguments are healthy and productive, because both partners are eager to listen and arrive at an acceptable conclusion. The openness to listen is evident that these arguments do no create suspicion or irritation. There is an anticipation of arriving at a wise decision by consultation, that most couples are drawn towards each other in greater love and appreciation at the end of such an argument.
Arguments are a form of conversation. All conversations are meant to enhance communication and marital harmony. Some arguments will disturb marital harmony and some will enhance it. A wise couple will choose arguments that will have a salutary effect on marital harmony. It is necessary to keep a golden rule in marriage relationship- both will win or lose together. Therefore any argument which does not promote communication is out of place in marital relationship.
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