First-aid for angry behavior!

I witnessed a quarrel between two brothers, on a  trivial issue - who should push the trolley, while the parents were shopping. There was shouting and forceful taking charge of the trolley by each, in turn. Their mother noticing this, gave the younger child a colouring book to occupy himself  while the older brother took charge of the trolley. Later the older one was offered a book to read, while the younger one joined the parents to push the trolley. This distraction helped to settle the quarrel between two pre-school children, to resolve anger and keep them occupied in something entertaining. 

What can help older people, when they are angry! Anger is a reactive response to a situation which one cannot tolerate. There are different forms of anger: provoked anger, resident anger, depressive anger, creative anger, etc. 

When the lady at the supermarket check out counter, ignored the queue and printed out the bill for someone, who came charging to the front, one of the five men waiting in the queue objected to it harshly and loudly, attracting the attention of many shoppers. Later, when I listened to him, he said that he was a regular shopper in that supermarket and felt upset that good practices were set aside. He was angry, because he could not reconcile to the compromise of good practices. The provoked anger can also be because of a habitually intolerant attitude, strong self will, prejudice, imposing temperament, etc.

When I saw a mother hitting a child a few times on his cheeks, for spilling water on the floor in the consultation room, I was curious to find out the roots of her anger. When the rest of the family waited in the lobby, I listened to the mother. She told me tearfully, how she was punished physically  during her childhood, when she spilled food and drink. She was called clumsy and denied  food sometimes. She is still angry about these childhood experiences even after thirty years. This is resident anger. Those who harbour hurts are easily susceptible to unreasonable outbursts of anger with little provocation, causing terrible embarrassment to themselves and others.

When anger causes prolonged anxiety, fear, withdrawal or social avoidance, it is a sign of depressive anger. When a person suffers prolonged injustice or oppression or denial of rights, he or she can land in this unfortunate situation.

A person turns his anger, into creative expressions such as painting, social action, responding to the needs of others or organizing an advocacy group to address injustice, it is creative anger. Mahatma Gandhi's The non-violence movement that Mahatma Gandhi advocated for our independence is a good example of this.

 During the time of anger,there is a surge of intense emotional disturbance with faster heart rate and breathing and a  loss of self regulation of emotion, when someone is angry. The release of this anger can be in the form of silence and withdrawal, indication of displeasure, arguing fiercely, using harsh words, shouting or screaming, physical attack, etc.

There are five practical ways to respond to the inner turbulence of anger, when anger is a provoked response.First is by taking a minute to breath slowly and allowing the inner restlessness to settle down to reduce the risk of impulsive behavior. The impulsive responses are charged with strong expressions to attack, defend or refute. This creates an unsettling ambience. This inner 'time out' helps us to regain composure and return to a calm state. The inner composure restores confidence and capacity to channelise the restlessness into a creative response to subdue the circumstance.The second way is to express displeasure or disapproval without entering into an argument. Stating one's opinion without arguing has an advantage. It diffuses tension and creates an ambience for dialogue. Third is by thinking of representing, if unfairness or injustice was the provoking factor. There are  different ways of representing our grievances to people in authority for their attention to the issue and corrective action. Fourth is to introspect to find out if there was any contributing factor from our side for the angry scene. We may have precipitated the situation by discourtesy or demanding attention or insisting on our way, instead of seeking for a compromise. Fifth is by making an audit of our expressions of anger and frequency of its occurrence every week. I like to keep a record of it in my cell pone to revisit the situations and to learn from them. This anger diary is a tremendous resource for personal development through cognitive and conversational engagement with ourselves. 

When, there is stress, lack of sleep or leisure or activities for relaxation, altered diet practice with too much or too little eating, alcohol or intoxicating substance consumption, unresolved conflicts, etc. there is increased chance for frequent anger outbursts. Our anger outbursts would upset others and strain relationships.They hurt us with sorrow, remorse and morbid pre-occupation with ourselves.I find talking about an incident of anger with Anna or a friend sometimes necessary, as a debriefing exercise, to receive further objective insights. That helps in forgiving others and myself for what had happened.

Those who are under the siege of resident anger, and depressive anger will need regular conversational contact with a mentor or a life skill coach  to practice anger resolving exercises.

I write this after an outburst of anger. I realize that my ability to accommodate inconveniences has declined. So, I enter into another learning curve through self encounter.    

M.C.Mathew