A frightened child

I watched this disturbing engagement between a father and his daughter at the beach. 

The family of two adults and two children came to the beach. The two adults and the boy were paddling in the water while this girl preferred to play in the sand. The father came charging towards her in fun to drag her to water. She resisted and escaped from his arms and ran  ahead of them to the car park. Obviously this girl had some pre-existing fear of water.

What is the origin of fear in children? A mother of an eleven months old girl wanted her to eat vegetables and she forced it into her mouth.  The girl got hurt in the process with the sharp edge of a spoon. This girl attributed her pain to eating vegetables and would avoid eating vegetables even at eight years of age.

Another boy of 18 months, who would prolong his bed time under  one pretext or other would be told by her mother that, she would tell the police to punish him if he did not go to sleep. He went to sleep almost every evening with the fear of police. Every time the family went out, the child would scream at the sight of a police man and habitually wets bed at night even at the age of 5 years.

Another father who offered to bathe his two year old son regularly, was often in a hurry and would not let him play in water for a while before or after bath. When the father failed to get him out of water, he would threaten his son with an injection by the doctor who was  their neighbour. Every time the doctor's family came visiting them, this boy would cry and hide himself. He would run away if he happened to see the doctor in the neighborhood.

All these are examples I have come across in my involvement with families. Most of the fears that children communicate have been inadvertently introduced to them during the pre-school years at home, school or while being with adults.

Otherwise, why is that a chid at 10 months, who would fall hundreds of times while trying to walk and suffer pain do not fear to walk! A 4 year old child, who is learning to ride a bicycle, having fallen a few times and hurt himself, does not have any fear to ride the cycle again. A three year old child having burnt his fingers a few times, while lighting a candle, shows no fear to light the candle any number of times.

Let me suggest that an irrational fear that children show forth during the pre-school years and subsequently  would have had its origin from an external trigger. Being fearful is alien to the natural temperament of young children. 

How can we protect children from being fear driven! Avoid every form of verbal threat to children, when there is a resistance to comply with what you want them to do. Engage that situation through dialogue. Even a punishment of denial, or withholding a pleasure is better than  a threat. A threat generates chronic state of anxiety. Explain, instruct and reinforce ideas, concepts and forthcoming experiences to children so that they are not caught unaware or expected to respond quickly and abruptly. Give them time and occasions to allay their anxiety or hesitation. When there is a sign of anxiety avoid putting pressure to comply. Avoid being angry and show impulsive, wild or irrational frightening expressions which will make children doubt parent's love for them. Children ought to have a permanent and doubtless impression of their parents being always loving. Then, fear will have less grip on them.

Fear of people, place, or events, when expressed by children would need gentle and thoughtful approach. Let us not inflict punishment to force them overcome one fear and leave them with even more fear of another sort! 

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)