I discovered a mina family and a squirrel near their nest on the top of two coconut palms, which had dried up. They had their nests in the hollow of the stem. It was a safe place for them from any predators. It was a place, which was theirs truly.
This sight triggered within me my own story of finding my own rhythm of living, after a living a pre-occupied life for a long season prior to my coronary heart surgery.
I returned to our cottage after three months of stay at CMC Vellore, after my coronary by-pass surgery five years ago during the Christmas week.
Anna and I were used to walking about five kilometres almost everyday for about two years around our village, following that. That got discontinued and our walk was largely within our property since then.
Yesterday, I felt the urge for a walk along the same path to recollect the events related to my heart surgery which took place in 2013.
It was during a visit to CMC Vellore to attend the council meeting, I sensed a chest discomfort, while running to get in to the train. On my journey back, I felt the same uneasiness while carrying the luggage from the platform to the taxi stand. Anna and I returned to CMC to get the medical tests done.
I was hesitant to have a surgery and looked forward to just having an angioplasty. But the cardiologists noticed several collaterals following block in two arteries. A by-pass surgery was the only option.
Since Anna and I moved to Vellore in 1997, I had a demanding clinical work. The Developmental paediatrics services needed to develop and grow. I gelt the compulsion to respond to the needs of children and families who used to come from different parts of India. I was the only consultant and the out patient services used to spill over to midnight or later at least three times in a week. That meant coming back home early in the morning and getting up at five am to get ready to be back at work at 8 am. Most of the professionals were new to the specialty of developmental paediatrics and this meant spending a lot of time to enable them to be equipped to welcome children for neuro-developmental support.
I knew that the specialty needed to start a higher specialty training in developmental paediatrics at the DM level and offer a PhD programme to stabilise the department and give a lead to this specialty in India. The developmental paediatrics at CMC Vellore was the only department in any medical college in India at that time and this gave us an opportunity to take the lead to make it as an academic specialty. I felt trapped by these compulsions and the daily rhythm of 'rest, pray and work' got disrupted. I became a workaholic, although, I used to say to those who commented that, 'I looked busy at work', that I was 'only pleasantly occupied'! It was far from true. I felt tired and could not organise myself into an orderly rhythm.
I needed medical consultation by 2000. Professor Seshadri, who kept a watch over me felt that I needed to reduce weight, go for a walk regularly and take some medicines for mild hypertension. I did take his advice seriously.The cardiologist Dr Sunil Chandy gave me further advice on cardiac care.
It was during the Life Revision Seminar at Rasa, Switzerland in the summer of 2000, I sensed the stress I was carrying and the danger of pushing myself at work. After my return from the one month of retreat, I took several steps to restore a wellness approach to life and work. I stopped the late night consultations which meant that families had to wait upto six months for meeting me. This helped the administration to sanction additional posts of consultants. That is how Dr Beena and Dr Samuel joined the department and completed their post-doctoral fellowship in Developmental paediatrics. Following that the PhD programme too got approved by the University and the department received a momentum to move forward academically. Everything looked bright and I looked forward to the return of a better daily rhythm.
However this respite was short lived. I yielded to the pressure to join the administrative team as the then Director Dr George Chandy was most persuasive. The next five years in the administrative team caused another disruption with the early morning and the late evenings spent in the directorate of CMC. It involved attending formal meetings and being available to many faculty who needed personal support. It was during this period, I was also responsible for organising the monthly three day retreats for the faculty, which went on for 20 months. There was a measure of involvement in the lives of many faculty in their formative process and personal development planning. However, it consumed my attention, time and energy. I requested to be relieved of my responsibilities before the end of my term, as I felt that life was lived in a hurry and disorderly.
I was left with four years before I retired from CMC Vellore in 2008, to attend to build stability in the department and develop all the services that needed attention. The Hall of Residence providing short term residential facility for seven families, was a sought after service for families from different parts of India. The sleep monitoring facility in the Hall of Residence opened my eyes to the need of monitoring sleep of children in a rational way. The EEG monitoring at night and the sleep inventory which evolved during that period, became a valuable learning experience for all that followed on sleep research in which I was involved in the recent years. During my time at MOSC Medical college, I was able to initiate five research projects on sleep, which gave some valuable insights about the association between sleep disruptions and day time behavioural difficulties such as inattention, hyperactivity, academic under performance, etc.
The subsequent period or four years between 2008 and 2012, two years at the Pondicherry Institute of Medical Sciences and the two years at MOSC Medical college were also demanding years, needing my full attention in starting the specialty of Developmental paediatrics and Child Neurology. So the chest discomfort I experienced in 2013, needing surgery, was an outcome of living 'dangerously' without following the earlier warnings I have had with tiredness and mild hypertension.
It was during the evening walk yesterday, all these thoughts about the circumstances leading to my heart surgery came upon me vividly.
The five years following the surgery were also difficult years. I felt pressured in 2012 to rejoin the CMC governing council which I left in 2008, following the requests from the director. The five years till I relinquished my position in 2017, was a mixed season. The first three years were valuable in being able to support the leadership team and affirm their initiatives. But the subsequent two years were stormy to say the least. I had to make several trips to CMC as the institution was struggling with its autonomy of undergraduate admission, building a new hospital campus at Kanigapuram and Chittor, select a new director, and prepare itself for celebrating the hundredth year in medical education. I gave myself fully to all these only to face some difficulties and challenges on account of break down of communication and disharmony at the leadership level. I endured it for a while and when it became intense and conflict prone, I knew my time had come to leave that behind for my wellness. In fact I was able to close all the disrupted relationships by getting in touch with all of them during the last one year. The last letter I had to write to express my gratitude and farewell to one of them was just before this Christmas.
So the time since Christmas 2017, was a year of finding a new rhythm to life. I formally retired from MOSC Medical College, at 70 years in June 2018. I offered to continue for another year to help in the transition of the department. I have had time to reflect and review events and experiences which is now resulting in writing the biography, which is in its 24th chapter. I am in the process of sending letters of gratitude to many who reached out to me and Anna during the last thirty five years, since we set out to focus on the mission of supporting neuro-developmentally challenged children through ASHIRVAD. About fifty letters so far written since June 2018, gave me yet another joyful recollection of life made abundant because of the thoughtfulness of others to accompany us in different ways.
By the time I returned yesterday after the walk it was dark. I could hear birdsongs of birds settling in for the night.
I returned to think about the mina birds and squirrel I found high up in the sky on the top of the coconut palms. They made their home in a safe place.
To live 'safely' is a calling!
I had a telephone call from a family yesterday to wish us for Christmas, who live in another country. There was a brief recollection of years of friendship we have had during the conversation. Anna and I have had some involvements in their lives during their periods of uncertainties.
It is not enough that we seek to live safely for ourselves. We are also stewards of others. It is a calling to accompany others to help them live safely!
I closed the meditation on the life events since 1997, with a charitable note to my soul. Although I lived dangerously, I felt protected and cared for. Anna, was the most dependable person to whom I could turn to when overcome with the burdens of resolving difficult relationships. I felt overwhelmed by this consciousness as I returned home at the end of a long walk!
We belong to an earthly home; we live looking forward to the heavenly home!
M.C.Mathew(text and photo)
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