Yesterday, someone who came to visit me told me that the 'mess in a particular organisation is on account of what I did'! I felt disturbed because it was perceived to be the whole truth, without any enquiry into facts and details which might be unknown to him!
However, after the initial turbulence within settled down, I received it as yet another opportunity to revisit my experiences during my association with that organisation for five years. Having been involved in founding two organisations and been the chairman of five national organisation, I did set some standards of public conduct for myself, which guided me through my involvements. But for some reason, I am still not able to fathom, how I felt trapped by some circumstances in the organisation that I was part of recently. By the time I realised the complexities involved, and my inability to resist the 'governance of convenience' that I was expected to be part of, it had already shaken my value system. I was a broken man with even friends whom I have known faltering to embrace the whole truth! So the remark of this visitor, helped me to dwell on the after effects of this 'storm' going on for nearly 2 years now. A sixty page document circulated by a responsible person pointing to my 'acts of commission and omission' which was passed on to me recently gave me a sense that there is intentional hate and harm still lingering. I am increasingly made aware of one reality that 'storms' are both unexpected and predictable. My regret is that I did not take the early warnings seriously and 'let go' when I knew that I was no more able to resist the 'current of opinion' that was created to tire me out! I felt inclined to keep hoping that pursuit of truth and conciliation was still possible.
However, after the initial turbulence within settled down, I received it as yet another opportunity to revisit my experiences during my association with that organisation for five years. Having been involved in founding two organisations and been the chairman of five national organisation, I did set some standards of public conduct for myself, which guided me through my involvements. But for some reason, I am still not able to fathom, how I felt trapped by some circumstances in the organisation that I was part of recently. By the time I realised the complexities involved, and my inability to resist the 'governance of convenience' that I was expected to be part of, it had already shaken my value system. I was a broken man with even friends whom I have known faltering to embrace the whole truth! So the remark of this visitor, helped me to dwell on the after effects of this 'storm' going on for nearly 2 years now. A sixty page document circulated by a responsible person pointing to my 'acts of commission and omission' which was passed on to me recently gave me a sense that there is intentional hate and harm still lingering. I am increasingly made aware of one reality that 'storms' are both unexpected and predictable. My regret is that I did not take the early warnings seriously and 'let go' when I knew that I was no more able to resist the 'current of opinion' that was created to tire me out! I felt inclined to keep hoping that pursuit of truth and conciliation was still possible.
In the evening, when I cam home with some heaviness of heart for the accusation beyond what was factual, I recalled how the cashew nut plant in the first photo looked two months back. Growing tall and spreading its branches!
In a storm, the central stem was broken away about two months back. I thought the plant would not revive because it lost its central stem that was shooting upwards. It seemed to be a permanent loss!
Yesterday, when I visited the plant just outside the lawn in the front of our garden, I was surprised to see the shoots all around the earlier broken stem (Photo 2)!
Not only that the plant had returned to to its vigour, it had also few blossoms, which is what is in the third photo! Its loss seemed to be final at one point. But it was not to be. Its gain from the storm and damage, seems to have come from an aspiration to blossom. All being well, there would be some cashews in a few weeks from now!
All of us carry within us a fair esteem of ourselves and consciousness of the way we are to conduct privately and publicly. We feel responsible for what we do and do what we do with a sense of accountability. But it is likely that we feel a sense of loss when we are talked about in an accusing manner without being fair to confirm or verify facts. On such occasions, the temptation is to justify, defend or oppose what you are accused of.
But there is a role of silence in such situations! It is good to suffer the personal pain and grow in the consciousness that 'truth' will transcend all perceptions and reveal itself in due season. Is not a tree known by its fruits! Is it not from what is within we speak out! It is in such provocative situations, it is necessary to stay trusting for the vindication to come without having to initiate it or even seek for it.
The flowers in the cashew plant after it was damaged in the storm, that too after its central stem was damaged, comes to me as a timely message- all bearers of truth do suffer and that suffering is to grow in the grace of humility. There is a cosmic humility in the life of Jesus, in the words of St Paul, 'He took upon Himself the form of a bond servant and humbled Himself..'!
Hopefully I will recover from the trauma and emotional stress as I 'let go' more and more, as and when I am made aware of the past through my personal discovery and what others might bring to my attention. Every view point is a view from a point! So it is necessary to listen and give attention to receive even a trace of truth from the criticism of others!
The story of the cashew plant is a metaphor with a message! It was damaged, but it did not stay like that. Returned to even more vigorous growth after the storm. I too feel a sense of inner growth taking place within myself. I felt prompted to write to about 120 friends whom I recalled on my 70the birthday some of those who have invested in my life over the last forty-five years, and began writing to each of them. With thirty letters written, I feel the enlarging inwardness of gladness and contentment and an experience of change in my interior mood and transition towards an orientation towards thanksgiving and forgiveness! Dr Paul Brand wrote on the positive aspect of pain and its restorative and redeeming influence in personal lives in his well researched book by referring to the loss of pain that patients of leprosy suffer from and how that leads to them not being able to feel the hurt in their hands and feet! So it was useful to have yet another experience of pain caused by the remark of the visitor, which took me to another plane of consciousness of the 'gift of pain'!
How do I feel towards the person, who to me was not fair! My personal healing can go on, only when he also is freed from my reaction or anger!
The story of the cashew plant is a metaphor with a message! It was damaged, but it did not stay like that. Returned to even more vigorous growth after the storm. I too feel a sense of inner growth taking place within myself. I felt prompted to write to about 120 friends whom I recalled on my 70the birthday some of those who have invested in my life over the last forty-five years, and began writing to each of them. With thirty letters written, I feel the enlarging inwardness of gladness and contentment and an experience of change in my interior mood and transition towards an orientation towards thanksgiving and forgiveness! Dr Paul Brand wrote on the positive aspect of pain and its restorative and redeeming influence in personal lives in his well researched book by referring to the loss of pain that patients of leprosy suffer from and how that leads to them not being able to feel the hurt in their hands and feet! So it was useful to have yet another experience of pain caused by the remark of the visitor, which took me to another plane of consciousness of the 'gift of pain'!
How do I feel towards the person, who to me was not fair! My personal healing can go on, only when he also is freed from my reaction or anger!
Life is for living and not to be engaging in making each other a prisoner of our value judgements or our reactions to unfairness!
Life is a journey to learn and to stay content and be at home with oneself, no matter how we are perceived! Because in so doing, we let go of the consciousness, that 'I deserve better'! Being content with what is 'given' is the anchor to live freely and fully! What 'pilgrims and strangers' the author to the book of Hebrews refer to, is both literal and figurative. It is literal because, there is a strangeness we create when, we choose to give the other person freedom to be himself! The normal tendency is to work towards conforming others to our view point. It is figurative, because we are voyagers and we keep moving to 'deeper' levels of consciousness because of which what appears to be hostile can actually become a means for inner wholeness. We change when we grow in readiness to receive what is given, and turn the 'bowl of bitterness towards the receiving mother earth'!
There are no permanent positions for a voyager! Sometimes, we are the aggressor and at other times the victim, both of which are only transitions towards what the prodigal son felt when he returned to his sobering consciousness while living, eating the food offered to pigs, that, 'there is plenty in my father's house'! Our journey in life is to the 'abundance' of this life with God, where we are hidden and secure!
The bruises which cause pain are therefore only reminders of the journey path we have covered and the ongoing formation taking place within us!
When I offered to be available for full time engagement in the organisation, in whose formation I have had a role for thirteen years, I was told by the executive committee that I was not needed in that capacity! In 1976, it was a 'blow' that I ocular not bear. As I look back, it was not at all a blow, but a pathfinder for my life. It is this which initiated Anna and myself to discover our life calling- the formation of ASHIRVAD Christian Concern for Child Care in1983!
The traumatic experiences are pregnant with meaning and hope! Let us remove the veil of 'negativism' when we feel disappointed. Let us free people from our orbit of criticism when we suffer on account of them! It might be difficult to bless those because of whom we suffer pain. But that alone is the true path of living the Gospel way! The Gospel way is also to be a 'light' and a 'leaven'! Their smallness might appear insignificant! And yet, 'five loaves and two fish' also appeared 'too small' for the disciples of Jesus of Nazareth!
All the small acts of good and kindness we can do are the means of raising hope in human hearts when men and women live discouraged in trying times!
There are no permanent positions for a voyager! Sometimes, we are the aggressor and at other times the victim, both of which are only transitions towards what the prodigal son felt when he returned to his sobering consciousness while living, eating the food offered to pigs, that, 'there is plenty in my father's house'! Our journey in life is to the 'abundance' of this life with God, where we are hidden and secure!
The bruises which cause pain are therefore only reminders of the journey path we have covered and the ongoing formation taking place within us!
When I offered to be available for full time engagement in the organisation, in whose formation I have had a role for thirteen years, I was told by the executive committee that I was not needed in that capacity! In 1976, it was a 'blow' that I ocular not bear. As I look back, it was not at all a blow, but a pathfinder for my life. It is this which initiated Anna and myself to discover our life calling- the formation of ASHIRVAD Christian Concern for Child Care in1983!
The traumatic experiences are pregnant with meaning and hope! Let us remove the veil of 'negativism' when we feel disappointed. Let us free people from our orbit of criticism when we suffer on account of them! It might be difficult to bless those because of whom we suffer pain. But that alone is the true path of living the Gospel way! The Gospel way is also to be a 'light' and a 'leaven'! Their smallness might appear insignificant! And yet, 'five loaves and two fish' also appeared 'too small' for the disciples of Jesus of Nazareth!
All the small acts of good and kindness we can do are the means of raising hope in human hearts when men and women live discouraged in trying times!
I discover yet another instruction to my soul concealed in pain!
M.C.Mathew (text and photo)
No comments:
Post a Comment