The differences are the norm!

 

A walk into our garden often brings some surprise. Here is another surprise!

The different flowers in the same plant look alike in the photos above.

The two photos below, of flowers from the same plant looked different. I thought that it might be incidental.  

But my surprise got justified even more when I noticed two different texture, colour and formation of petals in the two flowers in the same branch. The two phots on two subsequent days confirmed that the flowers had two different patterns in the same branch. 

Having been a student of child development for forty five years, I have had to face enquiries from parents on several occasions about the difference they notice in the temperament, behaviour and conduct of children. Often whether they were two or three or four, they differed  from each other in appearance and behaviour. I am used to reasoning out with parents about the two genetic lineage parents bring into the life of their offspring which express differently in each conception. 

Over and above that, it was the influence of epigenetic influences during the formative years of the children which make children develop differently. The parents were younger when the first child arrived. When their third child arrived they were older by six to eight years. The experience of caring and upbuilding two other children gave parents lots of insights about parenting, which benefitted the third child. In some families, the older children contributed to the co-parenting of their younger child. 

Although I retired from professional work, the telephone calls I receive from parents refer to the difference they observe in their children and struggle to reconcile with the differing 'demands' the children place on them. When a pre-school child politely asks, requests and is patient to receive, the younger sibling cries, demands and insists, which make parents feel sometimes exasperated. The mother was available at home for the older child till he went to school at four years. Mother returned to work outside home when the younger child turned 2 years, leaving the child to be cared for by a domestic helper. On return from work, this child needed all the attention for the rest of the evening.  

Now the older child is eight years old and the younger one six years. Both children behave, respond and react differently. The older one engages in indoor activities and the younger one is fond of outdoor activities. The differences between are many according to parents. 

It was therefore refreshing to see the two differently looking rose flowers in the same branch. The differences did not reduce its colour, aroma or nectar. 

The sameness between children is an exception. The differences do exist, but each has his or her charm, uniqueness and trajectory of development. 

I wish parents knowing that children behave differently and do not engage identically,  parents would develop their style of responding corresponding to the habits and patterns of each child. 

A home is a coming together of strands of behaviour and interests, which if recognised and promoted, there is a richness of diversity and abundance of freedom for each child to be himself or herself. 

The book on 'Parenting your child' which Anna and I co-authored with Beula Wood in 2000 brought this dimension of honouring a child by avoiding comparison between children in a home. 

Now we are in the process of revising the book in the light of the experiences of the last 23 years to support children and to regard co-parenting as a vocation in the digital age. The surrogate parenting by the visual media is the practice in many homes from almost six months of age. A family told me yesterday that their two year old son grew up watching cartoons for six to eight hours each day from the age of six months. 

The differences in the conduct and behaviour of children might have strong connection with the home environment. 

However a flower is a flower; a child is a child. The differences between children get subsumed by the loving and affirming parental attitude and response! 

Let a child be himself or herself, not an imitation or substitute for anyone else!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)