Being ourselves.

In the first of this series, we explored Becoming ourselves, the transition to adulthood by reflecting on the story of Jesus becoming Himself. The wedding at Cana provided us the Biblical overview on this. 

Let us pursue the theme Life, Living and Learning by focussing on Being ourselves.

I watched a five years old boy sitting comfortably on a tree at a height of ten feet and feeling great about it. He needed help to climb and sit in a secure position. His interest in exploration and adventure was truly expressed in that attempt. Later on, on the same day, I watched a medical student making a video of the events of the year in his class. He ensembled serious and light-hearted moments to tell the story of his class. It was a hilarious video and was full of stories that brought out the mood of the class during an academic year. A shop keeper who sells vegetables, gives away curry leaves free with every purchase one makes in his shop. He has a few trees of curry leaves in his home which he cultivated to make it available free in his shop. While talking about it, he mentioned that most families would use curry leaves for every preparation. He thought of it as a way to be connected with all the families who buy vegetables from his shop. 

Let me suggest that all three of them are ‘being themselves’- the five years old child exploring his adventure instinct; the medical student exercising his creativity and the shop keeper practicing his generous and mindful spirit. Each of us is becoming ourselves more and more as we grow older. 

Let me explore this theme, being ourselves from three perspectives. 

1. Human instinct

2.Human dilemma

3.Human metanoia

1 Human instinct

In the story of Joseph, a seventeen years old adolescent boy, we come across two dreams (Genesis 37:1-17). Joseph was younger of all the children of Jacob. The story begins with the narration of Joseph bringing a bad report about his brothers to his father, while he was pasturing the flock of sheep along with his brothers (v.2). There might have been an active tension between him and his elder brothers. ‘Jacob loved Joseph more than all his sons because he was the son of his old age and he made him a varied coloured tunic’(v3). It was one of the reasons because of which his brothers hated him and would not talk to him in friendly terms (v4).  

This was the background when Joseph decided to share his dreams with his brothers, because of which his brothers hated him even more (v6). The two dreams were certainly disturbing to anyone who heard them. The first was his ‘sheaf rose up and stood erect’ while the sheaves of his brothers gathered around it and bowed down to his sheaf (v7). This infuriated his brothers and they confronted Joseph with a question, ‘Are you actually going to reign over us?’. Joseph’s brothers hated him for his dream and his words (v8). Joseph was either least perceptive of the reaction of his brothers or did not bother about their reaction. He went on to describe another dream, to his father and his brothers (v10). ‘The sun, moon and eleven stars were bowing down to me’(v.9). Jacob responded to this by saying, ‘What is this dream that you have had? Shall I and your mother and your brothers actually come to bow ourselves down before you to the ground’? (v 10). By then, his brothers were jealous of him and his father kept this saying it in his mind (v 11).

I am inclined to think that Joseph by narrating his dreams to his brothers and father conveyed his attitude of self-imposition on them. It was the controlling instinct and rebellious spirit typical of the adolescent years. It was not the dream alone which infuriated Joseph’s brothers but his explicit intention to ‘reign’ over them. His arrogance of belittling the stature and role of his elder brothers was provocative and infuriating. It was this which made his brothers to plot against him to ‘eliminate’ Joseph by selling him to Midianite traders and reporting to Jacob that Joseph was killed by wild animals (Gen.37:18-36).

While we observe this imposing instinct in Joseph, in another similar instance of a dream, Mary the mother of Jesus behaved differently. She responded reverently surprisingly and circumspectly. An angel in a dream said to Mary, ‘Do not be afraid, Mary; for you have found favour with God. Behold, you will conceive in your womb, and bear a son, and you shall name him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the son of the Most High; and the Lord would give Him the throne of His father David….’ (Luke 1:30-33). Mary having responded, ‘Behold the bond slave of the Lord; be it done me according to your word’ (v38), ‘treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart’ (Luke2:19).

When we contrast Joseph’s and Mary’s responses to their dreams, it is more or less indicative of the two patterns we encounter when significant experiences come into our lives. One person using it to self-propagate himself and expressing the hidden longing to seek importance or prominence.  And the other staying in a sense of awe and wonder over what might happen till it happened! 

Let me suggest that we as humans might oscillate between these two responses when we feel recognised or acknowledged for who we are and what we accomplish. We might feel sometimes carried away by a personal ambition of wanting to be seen, heard and known widely. When we are more sober and humble, we would nurture the desire to ‘love our neighbour as ourselves’. It is important, as health care professionals to stay focussed on our ‘neighbours’ because it is for them, we have been called into the practice of medicine.  I like the call Nehemiah gave to all those who were jubilantly gathered to listen to the public reading of the Law of Moses by Ezra after the wall of Jerusalem was rebuilt, ‘Go, eat, and send portions to him who has nothing prepared (Nehe.9: 9-12). That call and reminder for service towards others in need, at the height of their achievement of rebuilding the wall is indeed the heart of our vocation as healthcare professionals.  What matters is how we use our plentifulness and abundance for the benefit of others! 

Late Dr A.K.Tharien, after finishing his medical studies at Miraj Medical College in 1949, came to work in the mission hospital at Kancheepuram, Tamil Nadu. During his short term in the hospital it was his desire to work in a least developed place, where there was no medical work. That was what led him to identify Oddanchatram to start the Christian Fellowship Hospital. This place was a rain starved area and was in a state of famine due to failed crops. I remember him talk about this experience on a few occasions. His passion was to offer health care to the disadvantaged in the community so that they would have a chance to access affordable and advanced health care. That was an outstanding example of pursuing a personal dream of service for the most disadvantaged in the community. He developed this openness to God’s call in his life during his time at college, where seven students in training, used to meet together for prayer once a week. Each of them after their training went on to get involved in creative ways to respond to the opportunities to serve the disadvantaged. 

The human instinct is to promote oneself, but this too can change when God becomes the reference person instead of ourselves and our personal pursuit. 

2. Human dilemma  

The apostle Paul shared about the conflict between two natures which he experienced in his personal life in Rom.7: 14-21. ‘For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that I sin my flesh; for the wishing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. For the good that I wish, I do not do; but I practice the very evil that I do not wish. But I am doing the very thing I do not wish, I am no longer the one doing it, but the sin which dwells in me’. This too is a conflict of adulthood corresponding to what Erik Erikson referred to in his theory of psycho-social development between 19 and 40 years.

This awareness of a conflict is real and practical, which might land us in a state of anxiety and stress to choose between two options. Dr L.B.M Joseph, a former professor surgery once mentioned to me about a dilemma which he had about revealing a complication which happened during a surgery for removing a malignant tumour. He happened to injure a ureter for which he needed help from a Urologist. Although the patient recovered, he felt it right to mention this to the husband of the patient who was a well-placed person. This person was alarmed by Dr Joseph’s honesty so much so that he invited him to address a meeting that he organised a few months later for all his colleagues. Dr Jospeh was introduced as an honest doctor, who admitted a complication during an operation. It took about 48 hours of personal struggle before Dr joseph was ready to break the news to the patient’s family. While recalling this incident which happened about forty years ago in his life, he mentioned that, it was on one occasion in his life, when he came face to face with a difficult choice. What helped him at that time was, the story of Ananias and Sapphira (Acts 5:1-11), where dishonesty and opaqueness dishonoured God. 

This dilemma is a common experience for most of us. William Barclay while commenting of Apostle Paul’s dilemma mentioned that humans face two inadequacies. The first is the inadequacy of human ability to do the good, however resoled a person is, because the compulsions are too many to practise contextual morality and justify it. The ‘end justifies the means’, has come to stay as an acceptable way to live. The second inadequacy is to resolve to do the right as it might lead to some unpleasant consequences of loss or pain. There are many subtle short cuts we take, which over a period of time would blunt our sensitivity to feel guilty when we do what is not desirable or right. It is the feeling of guilt that helps us to reverse the wrongs we do and revise our position. 

We would remain vulnerable through our lifetime to such snares and temptations. I like the way Jesus comforted His followers with His words which are in John 15: 4, 7, and 16, ‘Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither  can you, unless you abide in me’(v4) If you abide in me and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it shall be done for you’(v7). The hope the words of Jesus brought was that, ‘You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask of the father in my name, He may give to you’ (v16). So, the dilemma we face in different situations is not a final reality. There is something beyond human ability and limitations. God is at work in our lives to ‘will and to do’ what is beyond our normal abilities

I remember hearing an account of the financial integrity of Pandit Jawaharlal Nehru, the first Prime minister of India, from Mr P C Mathew ICS, who was his private secretary in the Prime minister’s office. Mrs Indira Gandhi used to use the official vehicle allotted to the Prime minister for household chores. At the end of every month Mr P.C.Mathew was expected to find the mileage covered for private purpose and collect the money from Pandit Nehru to pay for the fuel to the government office. What an example of noble standard in public life! Mr Mathew said that Pandit Nehru carried a New Testament in his coat pocket which he read often. Pandit Nehru, although was an agnostic referred to the moral values in the Sermon on the Mount as gold standard for human behaviour. 

It is when we live with the awareness of this dilemma, we can grow to being ourselves, vulnerable but yet steadfast in our desire to be upright. Once Dr Frank Garlick quoting from the book, Hunger for reality by George Verwer mentioned to me, that ‘to live a dichotomous life is easier and acceptable, but to live a life of integrity is a patient journey in faith, the value of which is not often noticed’.  

3. Human metanoia 

The word metanoia is a transliteration of the Greek word, which means a profound transformation on one’s outlook or change of mind. Having referred to human instinct and human dilemma while on a journey on being ourselves, let me suggest that there is a truth beyond these two predicaments. 

Let me refer to a parable of Jesus in Matt. 21:28-32. A man had two sons. To the older one the father asked if he would go to the vineyard to work for a day. He said, ‘yes sir’, but did not go. He turned to the second son and asked him to go the vineyard to work for a day. He said, ‘no’, but regretted later and went to work. 

The discordance between what the first son said and did and the afterthought of regret we notice in the second son’s attitude are worth reflecting on for further understanding of human behaviour. 

Lawrence Kohlberg developed a comprehensive theory of moral development in 1958 based on Jean Piaget’s theory of moral judgement (1932). His theory was founded on three levels, pre-conventional, conventional and post-conventional levels with each level divided in two stages. It is in the later period in life, one moves on to the post-conventional level of moral development based on principles and values. ‘The post conventional behaviour is based on personal ethical values of each person, such as basic human rights as life, liberty and justice and view rules as useful but not as absolute dictates that must be obeyed without question. The post-conventional individuals elevate their own moral evaluation of a situation over social conventions’.  

Both the sons in the parable that Jesus narrated might have been in the post-conventional level of moral development. The first son did not seem to have had any regret for not keeping his agreement to go to the vineyard. This might suggest a low esteem for personal integrity in his life. However, the second son regretted for refusing to go to the vineyard and went to work for the day. This change of attitude we notice in the second son points to the rich inner fabric morality in his conscience. Our conscience can be in a ‘frozen’ state or in an ‘awake’ state. When we read the interaction between Jesus of Nazareth and Zaccheus (Luk.19:1-10), we find how Jesus in deciding to go to the home of Zaccheus became a means to awake his conscience, so much so Zaccheus confessed to Jesus, ‘Behold, Lord half of my possessions I will give to the poor and if I have defrauded anyone of anything, I will give back four times as much’ (V8). To feel regret, express it and indicate an inclination to change a behaviour is a strong indication of the maturing stage of formation of human conscience. 

I want to return to the life of Joseph once more. While Joseph was in the prison, the chief cupbearer and chief baker whom Pharaoh had put in prison had separate dreams. They turned to Joseph to get interpretation of their dreams (Gen.40:1-23). According to the interpretation provided by Joseph to the Cupbearer, his dream meant Pharaoh restoring him to his earlier position in the palace in three days. Joseph requested the cupbearer to ‘keep me in mind when it goes well with you and please do me a kindness by mentioning me to Pharaoh and get me out of this house’(v 14). The cup bearer was restored to his job in the palace. However, the ‘chief cupbearer did not remember Joseph, but forgot him’ (v 23). However, after two full years (Gen.41:1), when Pharaoh had a dream, the chief cupbearer mentioned about Joseph, who interpreted his dream, which later came to be true (v12). That was when Pharaoh ‘sent and called for Joseph’(v 14), who was able to interpret his dreams. In return for his wisdom and skill, Joseph was given charge to manage the affairs of the land during the seven years of plenty and the seven years of famine which followed.

To me this is an illustration of metanoia. The chief cup bearer failed Joseph in not mentioning to Pharaoh about Joseph. But when his conscience was awakened, the cup bearer did assist Joseph to come out of the prison by introducing Joseph to pharaoh as a truthful interpreter of dreams. 

In our family life, relational life in society, or organizational life, we might recollect situations when our behaviour towards others caused disappointment to us and made us feel awful about our acts of commission or omission. When such an awareness dawns on us, it is the grace of an awakening which is at work in our lives, to which we ought to respond by doing everything to restore relationship and trust. To express regret, to apologise, offer and receive forgiveness are the ways we can choose to live with a changed heart. 

Let me conclude by suggesting that each of us is on a journey to become and be ‘our own person’. That is how we come to a fuller awareness of our life and calling as Apostle Paul experienced: “But when he who had set me apart, even from my mother’s womb and called me through His grace, was pleased to reveal His son in me, that I might preach Him among the gentiles, I did not immediately consult with flesh and blood..’(Gal1: 15,16). We arrive at this heightened level of consciousness of who we are, whose we are and how we are to be, when we allow the inner alchemy to progress, by working with all that have formed us thus far and to gain distance from those painful experiences and their interferences in our present. 

According to Thomas more, in his book, A life at work , ‘Dealing with the past is basically a two-part process: you own up to your experience, telling your stories as and fully as possible and then move on, free of its dominance in to the future that you create. You don’t deny the past or try to be completely free of it, but neither are you so preoccupied with it that you fail to make a new life for yourself’ (page 101). Thomas More suggests that, ‘Being a unique person requires strength’. Therefore, reflecting on the past is the first step in the opus (work) of the soul. Thomas More opines that it is one way of ‘clearing the obstacles to seeing your future…You revisit the past now, not to find the roots of your unhappiness, but to be ready as a person to take on your calling. You are looking for identity, strength and culture’ (page 100).  

It is when we move on to ‘become ourselves’, we can arrive at ‘being ourselves’. 

One of the hymns composed by Horatius Bonar, which comforts me while engaged in the opus of my soul, is:

‘I heard the voice of Jesus say,

“Come unto Me and rest;

Lay down, thou weary one, lay down

Thy head upon my breast”

I came to Jesus as I was. Weary, worn and said;

I found in him a resting place, 

And He has made me glad. 

 

I heard the voice of Jesu say,

‘Behold, I freely give

The living water; thirsty one

Stoop down and drink and live”

I came to Jesus, and I drank

Of that life-giving stream;

My thirst was quenched, my soul revived, 

And now I live in Him.

 

I heard the voice of Jesus say,

“I am this dark world’s Light;

Look unto me, my morn shall rise,

And all thy day be bright”

I looked to Jesus, and I found

In him my star, my sun;

And in that light of life I’ll walk,

Till travelling days are done’.

 

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)