A lonely crow!

I do not usually take note of crows. However this crow was in a 'singing mood' which drew my attention. Obviously it is reaching out for its mate as this is the mating season.

I do not remember any bird watcher telling me any time that they go out to watch the crows. They do not get our due attention.

We have many crows who come to have their bath in the stream that flows through our garden. There is a cacophony in the afternoon because of the fifty or more crows gathering for this afternoon ritual. 

It is  a pity that crows get excluded from our usual attention. They are the best scavengers we have around us. A few of them come regularly to steal a piece of bread or meat from Daffney's plate in the morning. She lets them eat from her plate! If we were to chase them away, they would return when we move away.

The crows are good survivors. I have seen them chase away minas, parrots, squirrels, etc. This surviving habit is their normal pattern.

The survival instinct is common to humans as well. Yesterday, I met a family who lost their house during the flood in August. They both are daily wage earners. Now they started a snack counter in the street on a trolly in the evening to earn extra towards rebuilding their house! Although the husband and wife work fifteen or more hours each day, they are determined to support their children through school and rebuild their house soon! It is a long journey of endurance!

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)

Banana Bunches!

I walked through our garden yesterday. I happened to notice thirty bunches of banana in s similar stage of their growth!

We are grateful to Mr Kunjuramon, who was responsible to plant them during the last three years. Almost all over the year, we have banana fruits because of his efforts. As we use only organic manure, the fruits taste different from the ones we get from the market. 

The banana plants need transplanting periodically. Mr Kunjuramon is not so active as he is in his early eighties. He used to help in the farm for many years from the time of my parents. 

I was thinking of many farm workers in our garden for the last fifty years. Joseph was the first one who worked for twenty years followed by his son Mathai. Then it was Thampi and Kunjuramon. Now we have Shymala and Sasi.

Each of them has left an imprint of their care in the garden. It was Joseph who planted all the coconut trees. Mathai planted the nutmeg trees. Thampi looked after the vegetable garden. Sasi takes care of the garden now while Shyamala is the one who multitasks. 

There were many others who used to come as when more help was needed. Anna and I feel grateful for the stable support from our domestic helpers because of which we feel well taken care of. 

Anna and I feel touched by the generosity of support and care we receive from Sasi and Shymala. 

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)

A quiet place to sleep sunbathing!

I watched this cat come to the wicket gate of our garden and a little later, I found it sleeping! Was it sunbathing! 

This is one of the three cats that regularly visit us. If Dulcie or Daffny do not notice and spare their barking till they leave the garden, all of them at different times settle down for their nap or sunbathing in the garden. Sometimes they try to squeeze into the house if the window shutters are open. They are friendly enough that we do not chase them out!

Cats usually have their babies in our barn, which is open without an enclosure. That is the time when they are protective and refuse to be chased out. Our domestic helpers feed them at least one meal. 

Cats chase away rats. We have noticed it sometimes. 

These cats visit most of our neighbourhood homes and beg for food. 

No wonder animal activists persuade us to be generous towards animals. Their subsistence gets affected by human 'invasion' of the environment, where they neither find shelter or food sometimes. 

In some homes in Britain, we noticed a cat flap for their doors, allowing cats to come in and go out! They get domesticated over a period of time. There is free veterinary care available for such cats. Katharine and Peter whom we visited a few months back regretted that their regular visitor no more comes at night!

Yes, it is necessary to create animal friendly environment.

M.C.Mathew(text nad photo)

   

Life, Living, Learning-2- A movement !

I watched this dragon fly shuttle between a fresh rose and a dried rose. This happened a few times during the ten minutes I stayed watching this dragonfly!

Dragon flies can settle in one place for minutes at a stretch or move between positions with ultrashort pauses. Its fleeting behaviour drew my attention. 

I remember welcoming two children during this week, who to me have features of 'Status Hyperkineticus'! During an hour, each family was in the consultation room, I do not remember either of the children sitting in one place unless restrained! 

I felt for the children and the parents. If they are 'on the go' all the time, it is disruptive and un-purposeful. It inconveniences others and make them anxious about an accident that can occur. We were able to find some organic and environmental causes for such a behaviour in both children. 

What surprised me, was that both families did not want to modify the behaviour by using medicines. They have some reservations about medicines, because they have come to believe that 'medicines cause more disadvantages than benefits'! To me that is a one-sided view. There are many families who value medicines and use them to benefit their children.

This one sidedness in our thinking is part of all of us. I feel this is true of myself. I have difficulties to accept the class room behaviour of some students, who interrupt the class by sitting in a corner and chatting during the lecture time! Although I ignore it often, of late, I have lost my patience. I pleaded for them to exercise self-control. I even allowed two minutes of conversation time every 15 minutes  of a forty-five minutes lecture. It is a habit with some students express towards some teachers.  They take it as their right to do so and get the acclaim of some others in the class for doing so! When I plead for meeting etiquette, it makes very little sense to them. 

While talking over this matter with some students I realised that, some students habitually do it!

All habits can also change. 

So whether the parents who are reluctant to change their attitude towards use of medicine or students who disregard the freedom of others to pay attention to a lecture, it is evident that one sidedness in attitude and behaviour is common to all of us!

I get reminded of one sidedness in my thoughts and actions often! So it is a journey of discovery of such areas of bias, preferences or likes and dislikes that I currently possess, because to live fully is also to live consciously of others and their needs! 

The dragonfly chooses between the fresh and dried roses! It is a predator to to the tiny pollinating insects when it is on a fresh rose flower!

So we too are free to choose. But in our choice, think of others and feel for them as well! I have watched at dining table, some who pick up the spilled food from around their plate before getting up as well as those who leave the table messy with the spilled food all around their plate! Both are choices we make, but the first choice adds dignity to our behaviour and spares others of inconvenience!

We change because we become aware of better ways for ourselves and fo rte benefit of others.

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)   

Biography-18- The Lilies !

The Lillies flower two times in a year ! During the rest of the time they just have leaves. During summer months even leaves are not seen! Theirs is quiet existence and exuberant presence!

There is a rush and competition for visibility and prominence in our society. There is palpable envy when someone does better than ourselves. 

I have several instances when a clinical diagnosis was made by someone else, which I could not make myself! During the early years in my clinical work, I felt uncomfortable when I could not offer the diagnosis. But over the years, I became aware that the practice of medicine is collaborative. 

This dawned on me for the first time, when an Occupational Therapist in 1983, working in MITHRA, Anna Nagar, Chennai, a rehabilitation centre for children, suggested to me about a child whom I referred to her for therapy, that she could fall in the autistic spectrum diagnostically. In fact I had no experience with children  who manifested autistic features at that time. I felt embarrassed and felt at a loss!

That was the first instance I recall, when I had to face this reality that others can know better and more and every opportunity is an occasion to learn! It took a while to get into this mould of thinking. 

Soon after that, while on a clinical round of the newborn unit at Rainy hospital, Chennai, a junior resident pointed to me some skin lesions in a new born. They looked slightly crusted and bullous. I suggested it to be Impetigo! But he turned and asked me it it could be Incontinentia Pigmentosa! He was right. A second occasion in a fortnight that affirmed the same message about being collaborative. 

Shortly thereafter, while in a clinical meeting in CHILDS Trust Hospital, Chennai, I was shown a child who according to them had Keratomalacia due to vitamin A deficiency, but I suggested that the child had Hurler syndrome because of features suggestive of Mucopolysaccharoidosis. That helped me even more to feel that all through the medical journey ahead, it would be co-learning with others!  

It was when I was working in CMC Vellore in 1980-82 and 1997-2008 when I sensed the value of openness to learn from others. The clinicians often consulted each other for diagnostic confirmation. The senior professors would most gladly accept the proposal of a diagnosis, which they missed, from a younger member of the team and acknowledge it publicly. A resident made a brilliant diagnosis of Brucellosis in a child who had Fever of Unknown Origin lasting for six weeks and all investigations were proved negative. The professor was profusely glad with with a rare diagnosis, which was later confirmed by laboratory tests. On another occasion, I missed a succution splash, while examining a  child with pneumothorax, which the resident later demonstrated to me. On the next bed, a child with convulsion on one side was being treated for hemi-convulsion. I noticed a capillary haemangioma behind one ear. So the diagnosis changed to be Sturge Weber syndrome. 

This is the way we all function in clinical work. We continue to learn from each other and are dependent on each other. This is true collaboration.  

Professor Malathi, under whom I worked, would take me along with her sometimes, while visiting some children in the ward, whom she admitted to examine one more time, to look for any clinical signs she might have missed! This to me is the openness to learn by re-examining and revising one's own thoughts.

While watching these Lilies in our garden, I felt enthused by its anonymous existence for most of the year. It is not seen or noticed. 

Some of us in clinical work might feel that others get the attention because of their diagnostic skills or teaching skills or treatment planning skills.  Let us look at them as those from whom we can learn if only we are humble and open! Those of us who are good at some things, ought to be generous to pass on our skills to others. 

Of late, because I work in a team of professionals from other disciplines, I get valuable input from them because of which diagnostic and treatment planning have become easier. Some of my colleagues would have noticed the dysmorphic features, while gathering the clinical story of a child,  which they bring to my attention. The post graduate trainees point out some observations which give valuable clarity to an ambiguous clinical profile. 

While at working at CMC Vellore, we had a sleep monitoring facility in the Hall of Residence. I learned a lot about different parasomnias in children, from the observations which the night nurse would have made about a child!  

The two Lillies in the photo in this blog are different in height and appearance. And yet both of them are Lillies. 

This to me is true in our professional journey. Some are more able, visible, and accomplished than others. Some of us remain ordinary. But all of us belong to the fraternity of medical profession, who are called to work collaboratively and cordially! A flower is a flower, its largeness or smallness does not make it any less than from being a flower.  

I have observed envy, animosity, critical view of others in the fraternity of medical professionals. Some show some carry a reluctance to share medical information with others. There was a cardiac surgeon, who while preparing a patch to seal the Ventricular Septal Defect, would cut and fashion it hidden from the sight of the operating assistants, lest hey learned the technique of doing it. A popular cardiac surgeon trained under him shared this information with me, which according to him is not uncommon even today. Some surgeons who do the coronary bypass surgery would protect the process of anastomosis from being watched by his assisting surgeons, lest they too become skilled.

I remember what two eminent leaders in their respective fields, did to bring their colleagues to lead them to an advanced level of specialty training when they were heads of the department in CMC Vellore. Late, Dr C.K.Job, head of the department of Pathology foresaw the need to get a team of his pathologists trained in different specialties of pathology. He encouraged his colleagues to move into the pathology of Kidney, Gastro-intestinal system, heart and vascular system, Brain, Muscle and Peripheral nerves, Bone marrow and lymph nodes, Immunology, etc. I remember hearing about these specialisations which he initiated. It took about 20 years for his colleagues to be sufficiently trained. By 1995, most of these specialties functioned offering leadership in the country. The latest that I knew was the development of sub-specialty of  Immuno-chemistry.

The other professor who gave leadership to develop sub-specialties in Gastroenterology was Dr. V.I.Mathan, who got his colleagues trained in Hepatology, upper and lower gut, interventional endoscopies, Inflammatory bowel diseases, etc. The department has a higher specialty programmes in general Gastro-enterology and Hepatology. He even established a huge endowment fund for the department so that research in all these branches can continue in the Welcome Research Unit.When he was the director of the institution for three years, just before the centenary year of the institution in 2000, he went on to lead a massive development programme of the institution. He brought advanced technology and coined a term to express its purpose, 'compassionate technology'. He added housing facilities for post graduates and young consultants. He established five new specialties during his term in the office. To me this stands out as an outstanding example of how to think proactively for the benefit of others!

It was this, which inspired me when I was responsible to establish the Developmental Paediatrics unit in CMC Vellore in 1997. To foresee the department to develop into a teaching and training unit with sub specialisation! During my term of service, I was able to encourage two of the consultants to move into two different areas-one into perinatal neurology and the other into cognitive neurology. The two year post-doctoral fellowship programme that I was responsible for had three consultants including both of them finish the course creditably. Four had registered for the PhD programme which was initiated during that period. The psychologists in the department got equipped in counselling, cognitive psychology, behavioural psychology and parenting psychology. I took some steps to establish a sleep monitoring laboratory for children, which functioned for a few years even after I left on retirement.

Thinking of others in the team and planning for their professional and personal development is the prime responsibility of those of us who are given responsibility to lead a team. It was necessary for the department which I help from 2012, to find its own funding for some of its activities. The department conducts an annual Christmas cheer sale and a 'Save one rupee campaign' among students and staff. The proceeds from these are used to develop facilities in the department and to offer assistance to families who need help financially. The idea and its execution came from all my colleagues in the department. The students of medicine and nursing take considerable interest in supporting these initiatives. In fact the students helped the department to conduct a staff-student Badminton tournament for three years, which offered a rich fellowship time! I admire my former  and  current colleagues for their resolve and enthusiasm to make the department vibrant and academically sound. It is an extra effort for each of them, to attend to develop facilities in the department along with offering services to families with multiple needs.     

None of us is above envy and selfishness! And yet, the message from the Lillies to me is: stay where and how you are placed and be yourself! Each of us has a place and role of our own! We grow ourselves, when we turn our attention to be mindful of others. It is what we do for others which can last and bear fruits!

M.C.Mathew(texta nd photo)   

     

  

Red rose and dragonfly!

It was the first time I noticed a dragon fly on a flower! So exceptions need attention. 

Incidentally, the colours of the dragonfly and the rose bud match well!

I do not have an advanced and detailed book on dragonfly!So the articles on the internet were useful.

The tiny insect pollinators, two of them visible on the flower attract the dragonfly to a flower because they feed on them.  

So the dragonfly which normally are seen on plants and drift towards the flowers, when they do not find their feed in the usual places.  

So the dragonflies also find the going tough during  certain times to live in their normal habitat. So they get pressured to adapt!

When I meet the migrant workers from Bihar, Jharkhand, West Bengal, etc.who come to Kerala to work, they live away from their homes for almost ten months in a year. They live in most uncomfortable make shift shelters without basic facilities. Although they earn three times more than what they get for a day's work, their lives look odd and reduced emotionally and socially to me. What is life, when they stay separated from their families! 

To me this is a an exception to normal living!

When native manual labourers are in shortage for the construction work, carpentry, masonry, etc, it is only proper for the local panchayats and in 'god's own Country' to be grateful to the migrant workers and offer them better living conditions. Otherwise it is exploitation of their helplessness and a utilitarian attitude!

It is a displaced dragon fly that eats away the tiny insect pollinators! The pollinators are defenceless. There are reports that there are crimes committed by the migrant workers! When they feel harassed to live, they turn acquisitive by force!

We  loose their goodwill by our indifference; and we push them to greater desperation when we do not care!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

One, Two, Three...!

As I watch these rose buds grow each day in our garden, I am fascinated to watch the way the flower breaks out of the protective covering! The protective covering is needed till the flower is ready to open!

Yesterday, while meeting with a family, I felt disturbed by their desire to hold on to the 'protective covering' to insulate their son from going through the necessary screening process, to help him developmentally! They visited us after a break of three years. They had moved only little, to help the abilities of their.

I too sensed at the end of that consultation, how much I too protect myself from facing the inner events. I was invited by two organisations recently, to speak at their meetings, one on childhood behaviour and the other on theology of healing! I felt inhibited to respond because both these organisations have been places where I was involved closely until recently. I suffered pain and alienation in the way I was perceived and misunderstood! I crumbled inside for a season. I protected myself by not accepting those invitations. 

A friend who invited me, sent me an encouraging note, giving me his permission to stay away till I felt safe and comfortable to return to be involved. That was a gracious response of consideration.

The rose buds need this protection and safety till their fragile petals would be ready to be exposed to sun and rain. 

I was encouraged to sense the two seasons in the life of these buds. One season of remaining hidden and another season of becoming open!

It is a lesson in living our lives. There are times, when we need to grow within in resilience, acceptance and consolation, before we can be in the open to face all that is ahead of us. To remain 'hidden' is also a process of preparing for inner wellness.

For most of us, prayer becomes the inner exercise during times, when we choose to stay protected. The 'alone time with the Alone God' is an inner preparation to 'love those who hurt' and 'forgive those who intend harm'! For such transforming attitude and orientation to grow within, we need to stay protected and nurtured!

The family, whom I referred to earlier, at the end of 90 minutes of consultation seemed to move further in their journey of facing the 'reality' and move forward, to assist their developmentally challenged child! They felt secure, when I left the choice for them, rather than impose a medical opinion!

Just as the rose buds open slowly, over a  period of two weeks, since they appear first, let me suggest to all those who bear pain or suffer hurts, to accept the vulnerability of this season in one's life, avoid too much of discussion except seek support from one or two who uphold us during such times! We would feel ready to 'break forth' with new life when we sense the opportune time!

Stay protected only to get ready to break forth with new life!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo) 

   

Farmers are losers!

The petrol and diesel prices have been on the increase in the last three months. But prices of natural rubber, black pepper, nutmeg and recently onions have been on a steady decline.

The agrarian crisis in rural India is unprecedented. There is colossal distress.

The market is controlled by those who are resourceful. 

A farmer who produces banana from his field lost his 300 banana plants in the flood in August. The remaining two hundred plants were damaged by the strong wind last week. His investment of about 75000 rupees, all taken as bank loan, brings him no return during this season. He choked words when he spoke to me about this distress. 

The story of the onion cultivators is even more devastating. With the price of onions dropping to about ten rupees in some places, the farmer does not get back what he invested!

I wonder whether I can trust what I see and hear each day. With about 70 people dying with a fast moving train, running over those who were watching a fireworks in Amristar, there is not even an expression of regret from the railways or the driver of the train. It is now three months since the devastating flood in Kerala. Except the 20000 rupees given to those affected by the flood, there is no further action to support people. The state government is engaged in a storm over the supreme court ruling permitting women to go to an important place of worship in south India.

I wish that political parties, civil organisations, churches, temples, mosques, etc. would become more socially committed. When would the distress of others touch us to give freely and fully whatever we can!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo) 

Biography-17: Bear fruit where you are planted!

This lime tree is in its first year of its fruit bearing! Three years old and full of limes. It is the least attended plant in our garden as it is in a corner and escapes our attention or visit. 

And yet it bears fruit where it is planted!

While walking pass this plant yesterday, I was moved with some memories of yesteryears and a season in  life, where it was difficult to 'live in the situation that I was planted'!

Anna and I had finished our term of service at N M Wadia Hospital, Pune and offered our service for a year to a hospital in South India. We were invited to join the hospital by a friend with whom we were in touch. Accordingly we made arrangements to relocate ourselves. A few weeks before joining, we sent a formal letter to the medical superintendent, who replied that there was no vacancy then. By then we had left Pune and had no where to go. We spent two weeks in a retreat centre while waiting to know the direction. We did get in touch with the friend who invited us to join the hospital for me to work in Paediatrics. He got in touch with us and invited us to join the hospital. On arrival to join, we were given a room in one of the wards and asked to eat from the hotel outside the hospital as the mess run for the junior doctors could not take any more new people. 

Anna and I were were posted in surgery. When I reminded that I was earlier offered a position in paediatrics, it was not considered. Later, when the friend returned after his leave, he arranged for us an accommodation in a flat that was vacant in the residential area and to eat from the hospital mess.

I struggled working in surgery. By then I had finished my post graduate training in community Medicine and was gravitating towards further training in child health. The only consolation was that I was privileged to work with a senior doctor of immense experience, dedication and simple life style with a preferential attitude for the disadvantaged. He too found me not surgically skilled or oriented. Once he requested me to do a vasectomy. On opening the Vas, I found that it was already ligated. It was the time of 'emergency' in India, where any permanent method of family planning adopted by any one earned him or her five hundred rupees. So it was not uncommon for unemployed people coming for a second time for vasectomy to get the finical benefit. On finding this I was devastated emotionally. The surgeon understood my vulnerability to discouragement. On another occasion, I cut an artery while doing the same procedure and needed help. At the end of three months, although I found the association with the surgeon a valuable experience, I was feeling let down professionally. I had a few opportunities to visit health clinics in the villages, but my language limitation hampered me form being fully involved.But accompanying the señor surgeon to visit patients of leprosy, or those whom he had operated upon gave me an insight about his caring attitude towards those who were most deprived financially.

 It was then I discovered during the in between conversations that this surgeon took initiative to give loan to poor families to rear goats and allowed them to return the lawn without interest when they sold the goat! He was keen to promote digging tube wells in the villages. He popularised use of Oral Rehydration Solution to treat diarrhoea illnesses in children. He spoke against caste based separation in the villages. He helped families to send children to schools by providing loan to buy books and uniform. His wife was an active companion to all these initiatives.

Once a week he had children who lived in the streets come to his home and have a bath with soap and towel provided by him. He and his wife would play games with them and offer them a meal before they left in the late afternoon. I got to know more about it not from him but from a cycle rickshaw owner. Anna and I hired him to bring our shopping back home. He told us that he was one of those children in the street, who lived by pick pocketing, but coming to meet the doctor and his wife every week changed his life. He returned to school with their assistance. Later, he was able to get a bank loan with the doctor's support to buy the rickshaw and support his family. He continued learning at the night school and worked during the day. He told us that here were at least thirty-five such children whom he knew who were rescued by this doctor's family from dangerous living. It was a habit for them to smoke and consume alcohol, but the love and affection shown by the doctor helped them to leave those habits and embrace a new way of living.

As I shared the out-patient room with this senior surgeon I was privileged to see him respond to difficult situations with magnanimity. On one occasion a hospital employee walked into his room and shouted at him for giving a lot of work in the campus for sweeping. The loud abusive shouting distressed others in the adjoining rooms. This senior surgeon, left the room quietly without saying a word. I followed him. He went to the chapel and was in quiet prayer for half an hour. On his return, he asked me if I would accompany him to the house of the employee in the evening. I wish, I was free to do so, but I was on casualty duty! The senior surgeon did go to his home in the evening, and apologised to his family for making him angry. By then the employee was  profusely sorry that it became a mutually healing visit. On the next day, the employee came to tell me that this senior surgeon had come to his home with a packet of gifts for this children and a bunch of bananas and left home after blessing him in prayer!  

On another occasion a visitor, a laboratory technician had come to visit him in the put-pateint room, who was then employed in the middle east. After he left, the senior surgeon told me that this technician, when he was the medical superintendent had to be sent away because of him coming to work under the influence of alcohol. Instead of dismissing him, the surgeon got him a job in another hospital, where he underwent de-addiction treatment. Later he was able to go the to the middle east. After his marriage, he received immense help from his wife to remain sober and stable in his life. 

Although I struggled to stay in surgery, where I was planted, it turned to to be a most valuable time of learning about 'mentoring' and 'caring', from several experiences I had with the senior surgeon.

This surgeon called me to his home and kept asking me about my experiences in the hospital. Instead of being able to narrate my experiences, I was overcome by sorrow and was speechless. Seeing my tears and sorrow, he realised that I was finding the surgical work stressful. He too realised that I was not even confident to do a tonsillectomy! He got me transferred to Paediatrics with a senior paediatrician. That became a new experience of recovery and encouragement.

Anna and I were able to support and encourage some junior doctors who joined the hospital during those nine months. Some life time friendships began with some people in the hospital during this time. It is to the same hospital we returned to work for another short period later, when we needed time for transition in our lives. It is a place we still regard with utmost appreciation for its value based practice of medicine and training young doctors with a missionary vocation. 

For the next six months we worked in the hospital, became a valuable experience of considerable significance in our lives. We had to abruptly leave the institution as I was called by the Maharashtra government to its health service. All the students who studied in the government medical colleges in Maharashtra had an obligation to respond if called by the government to serve for two years in rural areas.  That is how Anna and I went to work in the Mahatma Gandhi Institute of Medical Sciences at Sevagram. That too became a turning point in my life as it gave me an opportunity to work under Dr Sushila Nayyar, the founder of the institution, personal physician of Mahatma Gandhi and the union Health Minister in Pandit Jawaharlal Nehru's cabinet.

Life is a good blend of several experiences. 

About three hundred years ago, it was an exercise of some intellectuals and philosophers to boil an elixir of several substances to find the content of the elixir. Although these alchemists spent days together to boil the elixir to get the substance identified, they did not find anything substantial at the end of each exercise, day after day. But the process of patiently and expectantly doing the alchemy, made these people became more connected with the inner realities of life. Some of the great authors, philosophers or discoverers were born through this exercise of alchemy! An 'alchemist' is one who processes his life to integrate all the experiences and grow up to have a holistic view of life.

The Opus or work the alchemists were engaged in, transcended the realm of materials; in fact they were engaged in the prima materia, the raw material of their lives. As I look back at this season of my life, I realise that a gentle 'work' of new consciousness about life, relationship, community, life work, family life, children in family, etc.was just taking roots. I grew up in a religious setting where rituals, habits and practices created a culture of conforming to what was prescribed or considered 'good' ! It was also a season of meeting some people who were on an inner pilgrim journey. Rev. Kiathan, Dr. Pattern, Dr Sterret, and Dr Burki, were the few I remember who spoke a similar language of this 'inner experience' of metanoia, through the habit of reading the Bible, meditation and silent prayer. The contact with the senior surgeon for the nine months reinforced this, because he  practised interior silence, out of which came in his tone and words, a language of patience, discernment, insight and decisions which had others in focus.

Even before we were to leave this hospital to go to Sevagram, the Medical Superintendet, who initially refused a place for us invited us to return to work at he hospital for a longer term; some other doctors kept inviting us to return to be permanently located in that place. The ambience of trust and mutuality was a refreshing experience when we were ready to go. They had changed and both of us even more!

The senior surgeon was even more forthcoming. As he had known me from my student days, he was not willing to let us go! He even thought of writing to the Maharashtra government to take permission for us to be located in that place. He kept his word of staying in touch during the next five years we spent in Sevagram and Nagpur.  What Anna and I received from him was a self-giving affection and interest in our lives for us to be more available widely to encourage the christian vocation of practice of medicine. In fact it was he who suggested to the International Christian Medical and Dental Association, to invite me to speak at its quadrennial conference at Mexico in 1984. When we embarked on starting ASHIRVAD Christian Concern for Child Care in 1983, it was he who offered to become the chairman of the trust that had to be formed to begin the Child Development Centre at Chennai.

Anna and I were able to keep in touch with this senior surgeon and his wife regularly. We remember visiting them even when they were becoming weaker physically. To be present at the funeral services of both of them brought uplifting and overwhelming memories of thirty or so years of association. They lived their lives being mindful of others.

All experiences in life carry an imprint of what lie ahead. For me, to be patient with myself or others is not natural. It is this alchemical journey that I am still engaged in!

As Anna and I revisit our experiences of life, we get a sense of the integrating effect inner lives, as we take time to process the experiences of life. 

Each day is a day of insights and truths which when discovered would make life resonate with meaning!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Social Media..

Fr Joe Mannath, an editor, writer, teacher, retreat leader and a humble leader, who is a role model to many in the tradition of spirituality of the heart, wrote a short reflection on social media in the recent issue of The New Leader, sharing some profound thoughts about our responsibility to keep social media sane and useful. Let me recommend this article for the readers. It is practical and thoughtful with some action steps for parents and educators. 

One outstanding aspect of Fr Joe's writing is how he presents the truth in an easily readable form. Having known Fr Joe for about thirty five years now, it is refreshing to read what he writes because he speaks form his heart to our hearts. 

Let me comment you to read his articles some of which  you can find on the net !

I use social media in a limited way. I find it useful and yet threatening!

If goodwill was the language of human behaviour, it would have brought immense value to our communication gap. But with a language of hate, fear, suspicion, division, etc. growing within us and among us, I feel it is disrupting our social harmony!

So Fr Joe's appeal to tame it for our good, is timely call to our conscience!

M.C.Mathew

I acknowledge The New Leader and its editor, Fr Antony Pancras and the author Fr Joe Mannath for the article quoted above. I could not copy the whole article due to the limitations in the blog.

Life, Living and Learning-1

Fr Antony Pancras, the editor of The New Leader, a widely circulated fortnightly in the October 16-31, 2018 issue, in his editorial referred to the Seven Social Sins that Mahatma Gandhi wrote about in his weekly news paper Young India:

" Politics without principles, wealth without work, pleasure without conscience, knowledge without character, commerce without morality, science without humanity, and worship without sacrifice".

I usually follow the editorial which Fr Antony writes because he summarises a value based approach to current issues. He is succinct, appealing and inspiring in what and how he writes. 

While remembering Mahatma Gandhi, in the same editorial he writes: 'Deep spirituality was the heart beat of Gandhi's fearless life'! 

I read this editorial a few times to get connected with the teachings of Mahatma. 

I spent two years working at the Mahatma Gandhi Institute of Medical Sciences, from 1975, situated in the same village, Sewagram, where Mahatma had his ashram and spent about fifteen years before and during the freedom movement. It was during that time, I got a sense of the life of vocation he lived. H looked fragile and vulnerable, but he had a resolute purpose and mission. I was told by Dr Sushila Nayyar, who was his personal physician in the latter years that, he spent early hours of the day and late hours in meditation! That was the source of his inner strength !  

M.C.Mathew(text and pictures)

I acknowledge the photo and part of the text to The New Leader and express my gratitude to the editor, Fr Antony Pancras  

Rain and its effects !

I feel for the farmers, who are waiting for respite from rain to sow their seeds! I met the farmer, who owns their farm on way to work, who was waiting for his field to be ploughed to sow the seeds. But the rain is delaying it! 

When I came back home, I received the news that the boundary wall that is being built broke down in the rain! This wall had fallen in the August rainfall. Now when it is being rebuilt, it got damaged again.

On returning from the site, I watched a solitary White Ibis at the other end of the stream waiting for its catch of fish! These water birds come to places which was inundated recently! This was the  firs migrant bird of the season in our village that I spotted!

So for some heavy rain is not a welcome experience, but for the waterbirds the more is the rain, the merrier are they! 

So there is always something good in nature and in our experiences! 

It is necessary to turn our attention to the good things that are around us! 

As I was climbing the steps to reach home, I met our neighbour, who supplies milk to us everyday with a head load of grass for the cows. He talked delightfully about the thick growth of grass after the recent rains. It has made it easy for him to find grass each day for the cows. As they feed now on fresh grass, they produce more milk according to him. But the bunch of banana over the grass was from an uprooted plant, during the recent rain! 

The masons who are building the wall came this morning to express their regret about the collapsed wall! To me that was more than a goodwill of thoughtfulness! 

To tune into the good things that happen around is one way of the ways of staying centred! The difficulties are occasions for reflection and pondering!

M.C.Mathew(text and Photo) 

A year more!

Every time we celebrate a birthday in the department, I feel moved by the team in the department, where everyone cares and remembers each other. It is a place that I love to go to and give my bit into the pool of efforts everyone is making to make a difference for families and children! I feel enriched and rejoice in the fellowship and the ambience in the department. 

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)

View of life!

I watched this Ashy Drongo, while it was drizzling in the morning! Its different head movements attracted my attention. I watched it fly away after a short while!

I felt that it was looking back, looking around and looking forward before it and later flew away into the wide open blue sky not return till I left the place!

It helped me to crystallise my thoughts as I have been reflecting on my life thus far! When I turned seventy years few months ago, I knew that it was the beginning of a new phase in my life!

Now I have begun to summarise my thoughts on different themes that I have encountered in my life's journey:

          Biography, Work as vocation ; Relationship for formation; Family for intimacy; Living for becoming; Parenting for giving, Life, Living and Learning, Sunday Meditation...

There are times, when recollection, reflection, and retreat become longing of one's soul! I sense that to be the instinct within me!

What calls me to do is a sense of thanksgiving for life for what it has turned out to be, while jointly living and sharing experiences with Anna! Forty two years of life with Anna which is more than half of my life has been a rich and abundant experience of the joys of life! What do I have except what has come to me from the ever so gracious self giving of Anna! 

It is to this dense world of experiences, I shall draw my attention to in the next several months, all being well!

M.C.Mathew(Text and photo)

The memory and memorial!

A child in this drawing is recollecting her memory of the flood in August, 2018 by showing the submerged houses with people on the roof and raises memorials to the rescue mission by drawing the boats with people inside! Even the overflowing dam is in the background. It is a graphic and representative drawing!

The memory is one way of reliving the reality of pain and loss and the memorial is a tribute to another reality of human response of kindness!

Children feel and communicate in tangible and touching ways!

M.C.Mathew

Obstacle and overcoming!

There is resonance within me to what is stated in the heading of the article! Mr Kamal Hassan is profoundly sound and perceptive! He is moving into politics from the film world.

' I cannot' is a script that some of us carry within ourselves! A script is a subconscious inhibition. The opposite is not, 'I can ', but 'let me be myself'! The injunctions which the school of psychology of Transactional Analysis refers to are a tool to process our mind set.

To arrive to be oneself is the safest position to journey towards wellness !

M.C.Mathew

The beginning!

The jackfruit tree in our garden is ready for its fruits for this year!

It is in its annual ritual!

Too early to say, if all of them would grow to become large fruits!

To live fruitfully is a calling!

I was touched eith the grace  of conversation in three places I visited today.

I had to pay a fine for overspeeding at the transport office. The person who received the fine, smiled and apologised for fining me for overspeeding! She added that you might be a careful driver, but others might not be! But the roadside cameras do not have the artificial intelligence as yet, to know whom to fine and whom not to!

Then I visited a home appliance store to get the baking oven repaired. The manager sorted out everything in no time and apologised for the inconvenience caused by the breakdown of the oven!  The apology was ore than just a business tactic!

On his advice I went to the repair section. I was given the part to be replaced and assured of a visit by the technician today! It is raining heavily now, so he called to say the that he would visit tomorrow.  

Then I visited the car garage for service of the car. The two mechanics who attended on me looked committed to 'care' for the car because of the way they inspected the car with attention and scrutinising eyes. They were both professional and immensely personal in their approach. 

Our demeanour, conversation style and simple courtesies make others feel noticed, attended to and valued! What is life unless it touches others with kindness!

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)

The inside!

As long as the trunk of this coconut tree was present, its inside was not visible to us. When the trunk was cut, its inside is thrown open for us to see!

The inside is concealed in the external. The external is layers of insulation that protects the inside. Often we deliberately conceal the inside for fear of being found out!

The psychologists refer to 'darkness and shadows' and  the need to explore this dimension through 'depth' work! 

Our inside is a house of treasures and darkness. We need to encounter both of them in a conscious way through a guided journey to demystify the inside and make sense!

What is special about the inside within us.! It represents years of our experiences and insights  which  do not stay in the conscious realm. What is in the subconscious become the subject matter for our dreams and disturbing thoughts. 

Can we know our inside enough! There are psychological and spiritual tools to become familiar with our inside and BEFRIEND them! 

Some of us live with so much dislike for something about ourselves. It is this that we need to overcome and integrate them into our lives. The inner tranquil is a reality, however it might look distant as of now when we gently and thoughtfully process and separate the precious from the chaf. This is way to integrate our mind and heart, thoughts and feelings to a coherence.

Look at the inside of the stem in this picture. Is it not surprisingly colourful! So we can comfortably  and confidently set sail for an inward journey!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Having, losing and ...Gaining!

Yesterday, someone who came to visit me told me that the 'mess in a particular organisation is on account of what I did'! I felt disturbed because it was perceived to be the whole truth, without any enquiry into facts and details which might be unknown to him!

However, after the initial turbulence within settled down, I received it as yet another opportunity to revisit my experiences during my association with that organisation for five years. Having been involved in founding two organisations and been the chairman of five national organisation, I did set some standards of public conduct for myself, which guided me through my involvements. But for some reason, I am still not able to fathom, how I felt trapped by some circumstances in the organisation that I was part of recently. By the time I realised the complexities involved, and my inability to resist the 'governance of convenience' that I was expected to be part of, it had already shaken my value system. I was a broken man with even friends whom I have known faltering to embrace the whole truth! So the remark of this visitor, helped me to dwell on the after effects of this 'storm' going on for nearly 2 years now. A sixty page document circulated by a responsible person pointing to my 'acts of commission and omission' which was passed on to me recently gave me a sense that there is intentional hate and harm still lingering.  I am increasingly made aware of one reality that 'storms' are both unexpected and predictable. My regret is that I did not take the early warnings seriously and 'let go' when I knew that I was no more able to resist the 'current of opinion' that was created to tire me out! I felt inclined to keep hoping that pursuit of truth and conciliation was still possible. 

In the evening, when I cam home with some heaviness of heart for the accusation beyond what was factual, I recalled how the cashew nut plant in the first photo looked two months back. Growing tall and spreading its branches! 

In a storm, the central stem was broken away about two months back. I thought the plant would not revive because it lost its central stem that was shooting upwards. It seemed to be a permanent loss!

Yesterday, when I visited the plant just outside the lawn in the front of our garden, I was surprised to see the shoots all around the earlier broken stem (Photo 2)!  

Not only that the plant had returned to to its vigour, it had also few blossoms, which is what is in the third photo! Its loss seemed to be final at one point. But it was not to be. Its gain from the storm and damage, seems to have come from an aspiration to blossom. All being well, there would be some cashews in a few weeks from now!  

All of us carry within us a fair esteem of ourselves and consciousness of the way we are to conduct privately and publicly. We feel responsible for what we do and do what we do with a sense of accountability. But it is likely that we feel a sense of loss when we are talked about in an accusing manner without being fair to confirm or verify facts. On such occasions, the temptation is to justify, defend or oppose what you are accused of. 

But there is a role of silence in such situations! It is good to suffer the personal pain and grow in the consciousness that 'truth' will transcend all perceptions and reveal itself in due season. Is not a tree known by its fruits! Is it not from what is within we speak out! It is in such provocative situations, it is necessary to stay trusting for the vindication to come without having to initiate it or even seek for it. 

The flowers in the cashew plant after it was damaged in the storm, that too after its central stem  was damaged, comes to me as a timely message- all bearers of truth do suffer and that suffering is to grow in the grace of humility. There is a cosmic humility in the life of Jesus, in the words of St Paul, 'He took upon Himself the form of a bond servant and humbled Himself..'!

Hopefully I will recover from the trauma and emotional stress as I 'let go' more and more, as and when I am made aware of the past through my personal discovery and what others might bring to my attention. Every view point is a view from a point! So it is necessary to listen and give attention to receive  even a trace of truth from the criticism of others!

The story of the cashew plant is a metaphor with a message! It was damaged, but it did not stay like that. Returned to even more vigorous growth after the storm. I too feel a sense of inner growth taking place within myself.  I felt prompted to write to about 120 friends whom I recalled on my 70the birthday some of those who have invested in my life over the last forty-five years, and began writing to each of them. With thirty letters written, I feel the enlarging inwardness of gladness and contentment and an experience of change in my interior mood and transition towards an orientation towards thanksgiving and forgiveness! Dr Paul Brand wrote on the positive aspect of pain and its restorative and redeeming influence in personal lives in his well researched book by referring  to the loss of pain that patients of leprosy suffer from and how that leads to them not being able to feel the hurt in their hands and feet! So it was useful to have yet another experience of pain caused by the remark of the visitor, which took me to another plane of consciousness of the 'gift of pain'!

How do I feel towards the person, who to me was not fair! My personal  healing can go on, only when he also is freed from my reaction or anger! 

Life is for living and not to be engaging in making each other a prisoner of our value judgements or our reactions to unfairness!

Life is a journey to learn and to stay content and be at home with oneself, no matter how we are perceived! Because in so doing, we let go of the consciousness, that 'I deserve better'! Being content with what is 'given' is the anchor to live freely and fully! What 'pilgrims and strangers' the author to the book of Hebrews refer to, is both literal and figurative. It is literal because, there is a strangeness we create when, we choose to give the other person freedom to be himself! The normal tendency is to work towards conforming others to our view point. It is figurative, because we are voyagers and we keep moving to 'deeper' levels of consciousness because of which what appears to be hostile can actually become a means for inner wholeness. We change  when we grow in readiness to receive what is given, and turn the 'bowl of bitterness towards the receiving mother earth'!

There are no permanent positions for a voyager! Sometimes, we are the aggressor and at other times the victim, both of which are only transitions towards what the prodigal son felt when he returned to his sobering consciousness while living, eating the food offered to pigs, that, 'there is plenty in my father's house'! Our journey in life is to the 'abundance' of this life with God, where we are hidden and secure!

The bruises which cause pain are therefore only reminders of the journey path we have covered and the ongoing formation taking place within us!

When I offered to be available for full time engagement in the organisation, in whose formation I have had a role for thirteen years, I was told by the executive committee that I was not needed in that capacity! In 1976, it was a 'blow' that I ocular not bear. As I look back, it was not at all a blow, but a pathfinder for my life. It is this which initiated Anna and myself to discover our life calling- the formation of ASHIRVAD Christian Concern for Child Care in1983!

The traumatic experiences are pregnant with meaning and hope! Let us remove the veil of 'negativism' when we feel disappointed. Let us free people from our orbit of criticism when we suffer on account of them! It might be difficult to bless those because of whom we suffer pain. But that alone is the true path of living the Gospel way! The Gospel way is also to be a 'light' and a 'leaven'! Their smallness might appear insignificant! And yet, 'five loaves and two fish' also appeared 'too small' for the disciples of Jesus of Nazareth!

All the small acts of good and kindness we can do are the means of raising hope in human hearts when men and women live discouraged in trying times!

I discover yet another instruction to my soul concealed in pain!

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)