When a bird is silent!

 

The garden around our cottage is a sound filled space normally with birds moving between trees and bushes for most of the day. 

For the last two days, with heavy rain with only short in between dry spells changed the garden to be without its bird activities. I wondered where the birds have  disappeared! 

The Bulbuls and Magpie Robins who come for their banana feed in our backyard did not arrive. The Tailor bird who sings tunefully was not around. The pigeon who comes in search of nutmeg maize did not appear. The Sunbird pair was missing. A purple sunbird which comes at 3 pm for nectar gathering from the lantana bush, did not come for two days. Few of the Barbets whose chirping become a chanting are missing. The climber Woodpeckers, who are regularly found in the coconut palms did not offer that visual feast. The parakeets who came at mid day to gather the mulberry fruit were missing. The tree pies who are often seen even in rainy weather are no where to be heard. 

A friend with whom I enquired about the missing birds, who study bird movements, told me that if there is a threat of strong currents of wind, the birds hide in shelters to feel safe. There are cyclonic storms predicted in the next three days, as there is depression in the Bay of Bengal and Arabian Sea.  

I hear the bird calls and go out to  look out for them. I went out to wait for the Purple Sunbird to come to gather nectar and it did not arrive. As I ironed back to return to our cottage, I noticed this sent Bulbul on a cable in our court heard. I waited to hear its bird call. During the 20 minutes before it flew away, I found its bills opening little bit without giving its usual bird call(last photo). 

This surprised me. To see a Bulbul, who is habituated to make its bird calls,  remaining silent raised some questions in my mind! 

I found out from some search that Bulbuls become silent when they are anxious. They sense danger and become silent. They are not sociable on such occasions. I watched the several photos I took of its body posture and look to get familiar with the way they behave! Becoming silent might be the first indication of their state of anxiety!

I am familiar with pre-school children expressing anxiety with impulsive behaviour, crying spells, sleep difficulties, naughty behaviour different from the usual, not wanting to eat, disrupting to children play, playing alone, bedwetting at night, etc. 

I came across adults expressing anxiety state through short tempered behaviour, sleep interruption, over eating, withdrawing from social contacts, turning to be silent or plunge into self indulgence to drown their sorrow or anger. 

The birds also have their patterns of behaviour, when they have have an anxious season!

Becoming silent and wanting to be alone are two common expressions in pre-school children, adults and birds. 

They are rather disturbing experiences. Often prolonged anxiety is a prelude to a depressive orientation. A progression to depression from having been anxious without recovery calls for attention and action. 

If one were to observe any family, one might find someone or other being in an anxious state. An impending examination creates anxiety to a school going child. A sickness or hospitalisation might make and adult anxious. Some events in the family such as a quarrel, bereavement, grief,  relocation, job change, changing residence, stress at work place, etc are regular events in a home. Let me suggest that most people experience anxiety as a normal phase and learn to adapt and overcome. But some people live and behave without the awareness of being in a anxious state.  

During my involvements with children who have Neuro-developmental challenges, I often encourage parents to monitor their wellness. A simple exercise of counting their pulse at bed time and on getting up in the morning for about two weeks, would help parents to know when their pulse rate is in the normal range and when it is fluctuating. On such occasions, when the pulse rate accelerates, I have encouraged parents to talk to each other to find out, if there are lingering thoughts which create an anxiety state. I have encouraged parents who are in their middle age, to get a blood pressure apparatus and monitor their blood pressure in the mornings twice a week. 

Some feed backs I received gave me an assurance, that if we can create an awareness of the silent anxiety state, to which we slip into,  it can also be identified and addressed. An awareness of the risk of anxiety would make a person want to exercise physically, sleep enough, relax with playing indoor or outdoor games, having debriefing time between spouses, read a refreshing story or listen to edifying music, spend more time with children to participate in their play activities, etc. 

Anxiety is our silent companion. Anxiety is the beginning of a train of events, disturbing the body and altering the normal physiological functions.  

I am normally an anxious person. I am prone to be wanting be quiet when I sense the emotional lability within. There was pattern of outburst with reactive statements, but they do not recur now as much as in the past. But wanting to stay away from regular routine, and stay preoccupied with rumination of thoughts seem to be a pattern in the recent years. 

All of us travel through terrains, where anxiety silently or overtly affect us. It is a normal experience. 

Every time I walk in to the quiet room,  where I spend most of the day, I have anxious thoughts about the day ahead. The first half an hour each day is to listen and feel the anxious thoughts and respond to them attentively. The awareness of their presence within is one way of owning them and acting upon them. 

Today, it was the anxiety about the electricity connection getting disrupted due to the heavy rains. So it was necessary to pump water to the overhead tank, make sure that that the inverter is charged fully and we put off all the electronic equipment if there is an indication of thundering and lightning. When I attended to these thoughts I did feel that those thoughts faded away and the inner ambience was more sober and ready to engage the writing project Initiated.  

A friend who called me in the morning today, recalled a conversation when Anna and I visited the family, about their anxiety of some pressing matters. The discussions was about doing what they can about those matters and waiting for the heaviness to fade away. It was good to hear how an awareness of the causal pathway to anxiety can be identified and attended to, so that we escape the psycho-behavioural and somatic effects of an anxiety state! 

The silence, fretful look and body posture  of a Bulbul as seen in the photos above, might have been due to an anxiety due to the inclement weather.

It is not always possible to describe the anatomy of anxiety; but it is good to develop the skill to trace the causal pathway. 'The way in, is the way out' was an often repeated statement of Dr Hans Burke', during the seminars, he conducted to lead us into a life revision experience. 

It requires only a pebble to disturb the stillness of a pool of water. An anxious thought has creates a ripple effect in our mind.

I found a personal confession of David, the author of many Psalms, about himself in Psalm 131, verse 2 useful and edifying: 'I have composed and quieted my soul; like a weaned child rests against his mother'.  A weaned child is a well fed child. David having nourished himself in God consciousness and meditation, was well fed to be able to rest. Some scholars mention 'resting against his mother' as a symbol of intimacy with God, which he experienced during those nourishing times. 

To live with the existential thoughts without them becoming anxiety generating, is possible through this habitual exercise of experiencing the presence and comfort of God.  

Turning inward to attend to the causal pathway of our anxiety and  practising to rest in God are in our domains to act upon.

It is good to find a  Bulbul singing !

Its tuneful singing creates a resonance of wellness within me!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Where do I go!

It was a dark and quiet morning in our garden yesterday with no bird movements or bird calls. I kept looking for birds in the regular flight stations of trees and bushes. It was down cast, windy and the forecast was intermittent heavy rain during the day. With cyclonic storm developing in the Bay of Bengal, the forecast was, five days of heavy rain  fall. The pair of Bulbuls who come to our backyard for their fruit feed in the morning did not appear yesterday. The Magpie Robin who comes to the Bird bath corner also did not arrive. 

I looked up to spot any bird in other tall trees. That was how I noticed this Barbet, on the branch of a tree, that was swaying in the wind. I waited to see how this bird behaved in this inclement weather. Its still body and silence without the usual bird calls, suggested that it was looking out for a safe place to fly away. It did after a few minutes of me spotting it. 

During such a weather, we as humans have the safety of our homes. Yesterday, it rained heavily for a few hours in the morning and afternoon.  When I was in the Quiet room reading to edit the text that was prepared on Towards Parenting Readiness, a lightning struck and the modem stopped functioning. Later, when I took it to the technician he found out that it was the charger that was burnt in the lighting. 

That was when I realised the safety that we experience, by being indoor in a squally weather. That was not how it was for the feathered friends in our garden. They had to refrain themselves from their usual flight movements and finding feed for themselves. 

I happened to hear the story of a family yesterday, who has considerable difficulties with their pre-adolescent daughter, because of her cognitive and behavioural difficulties. She is not able to read or write although she is in a regular class room. Mother is the primary care giver as the father stays at work place. She has also to care for the two elderly people at home. She herself needed two surgeries and has few health challenges to adjust to. Her story sounded to be a narration of helplessness. I sensed in that narration a question, 'Where do I go'!

Then the question surfaced in my mind , 'What can I do'! The resource of resilience and availability was limited in that family. 

An isolated Barbet and a struggling family!

That was how Anna and I felt in 1995, when the rental house we lived in Chennai had to be vacated with the owner giving us fifteen days of notice. Our older son was preparing for his entrance examination for professional course which was about a month away. We searched for a house and did not find a suitable one close to where we lived.   

I used to go to MITHRA, a special school for children, once a week to help with their neuro-developmental monitoring. Sister Mary Theodore, who was the nun in charge of that facility, was a friendly and caring towards us. She would find time to greet me when I visited the school. A day before we were asked to vacate the house, when I was at the school, sister Mary said, 'you do not look well. Is there something I can do'! I happened to mention about not finding a house to move into. Her response was, 'come and stay with us till you can find a ouse'! We were given three rooms to shift our belongings and a bed room with attached kitchenette. We lived there during the next two months. It was during this time our son had to appear for the interview at CMC Vellore. Sister Mary's delight at the news of our son finding admission at CMC touched us immensely. She invited us for a meal and prayed for our son. 

Where do I go! It is a question that many of us live with due to our disturbing situations!

But the other question is, 'What can I do' is an important question! It was response to that question which we witnessed in Sister Mary Theodore's invitation to us to 'come and stay with us'!

I took time to dwell on this theme. Anna and I make an effort to keep in touch with some people regularly. During the recent transition after my retirement in June 2023, I was not so regular in staying in touch. A friend called yesterday, wondering about us as he did not receive any communication from us for two months. He was in the midst of his post graduate examination, and called to let us know about the successful completion of his course. It was reminder to us that a phone call is also something one can make. So this question, 'What can I do' opens up possibilities of doing something to help and support even when one is preoccupied !

We live in an environment, where we hear language of intolerance and indifference. 

All the more reason to light a candle of hope wherever possible to announce the message of goodness. 

We filled the bowl of bird feed with double portion than we do every day, thinking of birds who might need them on a rainy day!

Our life is a treasure of goodness! We need to trust in that and be an offering to others by our mindfulness!

M.C.Mathew  (text and  photo)  

Intimacy- language of communication!

The first pair flowers above, symbolised to me of two adults in courtship preparing to get married. The second picture is that of the two,  having got married growing together in intimacy and mutuality. 

The third picture represents the journey of a couple to 'become one', which is  the destination in marriage relationship. When that happens as seen in the background of the third picture, the buds, which represent the fruits of their relationship, children, would arrive to share in the joy of intimacy in their family life.  

The journey of the two married couple towards becoming one is often a myth rather than an experience of reality in the lives of many married people. When I watch a lady pulls along a trolly bag and carries her daughter on the other arm and the man walking ahead, I know that the journey to become one in marriage relationship is often abandoned and married people live as two single people, sharing the physical ambience of a home. They remain emotionally and relationally distant from each other. They co-exist in a home.

In the following pictures below, I find a language of intimacy, where a flower is open to give away its nectar to all those who come seeking.  

 

The hospitality message the flowers above convey, drew my attention to dwell on this theme. 

Anna stayed away from pursuing her post graduate training, till both our children were fairly independent and were in the latter years of their schooling. She was often asked; 'Don't you miss your professional career'! Her response was, 'My home is my attention now'. 

In 1997 when we relocated at the Christian Medical College, Vellore to start the  Developmental Paediatrics Unit,  at their invitation, Anna had an opportunity to think about her post graduate training. Dr Joyce Punniah, the director of CMC suggested that she pursued her training in Pharmacology, where younger leadership was needed. That is how Anna restarted her professional journey, which took her to make contributions in Continuing Medical Education, clinical research, founding and editing the continuing medical education journal, and serving as professor of pharmacology in three institutions. Her last significant contribution was to start the Institutional Review Board as its co-ordinator in the institution from where she retired two yeas ago. It opened the door for medical students to be active in research by getting ICMR scholarship. The faculty received impetus to pursue their research projects.

Ours as a family was, on a voyage from one unknown to another. We experienced eight relocations during our forty years in our professional   service, each associated with a change, which finally took us in to  pioneering in child development of developmentally challenged children.    

One factor, which helped us to live with some stability amidst all the changes and transitions was the wellness we sought after in our family life and home. 

A home is a place of formation for parents and children and a shock absorber of events, which occur when one is on a pioneering journey. A family is a place of giving, forgiving and upbuilding which take place as its natural habit! The family life, for parents is journey to find the fulfilment of their labour of love and for children, it is an experience of bering rooted in acceptance and affirmation. 

For a home to become a place of communion and communication, both parents need to make choices in favour of growing in intimacy. This would mean, that even job or training opportunities need to be viewed subject to the wellness in family life. 

I remember how I felt drawn by wanting to join the Paediatric Neurology course started for the first time in India at AIIMS, New Delhi in 1989. It involved a serious dislocation to our family life as well as discontinuing the Child Development Centre we started at Chennai in 1983. I felt disappointed and wondered whether I lost an opportunity to get trained in Paediatric Neurology ! I needed good grounding in Paediatric Neurology to pursue the frontiers in child development. 

A new opportunity opened up in 1992, when I was offered to join the PhD programme in Developmental Neurology at the Institute of Neurology attached to the Madras Medical College. That course and training suited me better, as it took me to some depth to the morphological and neurological events in foetal life, perinatal- neonatal life, early childhood and later years of childhood, which later adversely affected the child development process. I had sufficient exposure to routine child neurology and a deeper and wider experience in the neurological implications of developmentally challenged children.  

I feel alarmed when many families live their lives fragmented without experiencing the fullness in family formation.  

Many families feel compelled to attend to the existential questions of creating prospects and prosperity, keeping the material needs in focus. So husband and wife live in two different locations pursing their work and children often left out from experiencing the fullness of family formation. 

The disturbing trend we notice in the adolescent population of vulnerability to Substance Abuse Disorder, media addiction, gambling, and reckless living, might have their roots in the fragmentation they suffered in childhood, without experiencing the nearness and intimacy in family relationship.   

Parents give birth to their children; they are born into their home; they grow up to be wholesome when nurtured with care and attention; and they in turn become adults to make their future homes a place of family formation. 

I heard from a young professional couple, now on short leave overseas, about their response to their family situation. The mother had an opportunity to have advanced training in a specialty, which was not easily available in India. This meant husband and three children accompanying her to help her to do the training. He did not get an appropriate position corresponding to his interest and skills, but he accepted what was available and took the lead to be a home maker. His job requirements were not demanding. He was able to help children adjust to the schooling. He shouldered other responsibilities as his wife  had long hours at work. It gave him opportunities to give more time to reading. Recently he was able to get back to his specialty and register for formal training at the post doctoral level. Fortunately his wife's schedule has become lighter as she is coming to the end of her training programme. 

Listening to this experience, I was moved by the spontaneous self-giving role that the husband took upon himself to support his wife and be a home maker to stabilise the family and give attention to children. In fact, he was overseas for a while earlier, when his wife shouldered the responsibilities on her own. That was not an easy time for her, but she endured it to make space for her husband's aspiration. 

It is an amazing story of how a couple live their lives mindful of each other keeping the interests children uppermost in their mind and practice. I admire the way the husband did something rather unusual and did it most gladly and purposefully. I felt encouraged by the joyful family ambience this generated, to be an example to others,  while they lived overseas. 

We fear loosing some things in life, when we keep the family at the centre of all considerations and choices. 

Let me suggest that we redeem ourselves and safe guard our children to become their true selves, when a family keeps husband-wife relationship sacred and surround children with the fortress of love! 

When a couple chooses in favour of the family, they invest in the creation of a generation, born and brought up in the intimacy of their home!

That is the gift every family can offer to humanity!

Let me send this bunch of flowers below, which I gathered this morning from our garden battered by wind and rain of three days, to all those who keep family and parenting as a calling in their lives and make deliberate choices to foster that calling!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Emotional starters in early childhood !

A butterfly, Kingfisher, Myna and Barbet were in the garden early in the morning looking for their morning feed.  They move from one location to another and receive what they can find! Finding their feed is an important reason for their movements in the garden. 

One conversation that I had with a family recently was about the feeding difficulties with their toddler girl. They find it difficult because,  she from the morning is asking for the choice of her food and and would refuse to eat, what is cooked at home unless she is fond of that food. There were ugly situations with her parents, getting angry with her and the grandparents yielding to her request. One morning her grandfather had to go to a shop to get a noodle packet for her, as she refused to eat toast and egg which were on the breakfast table. She would want the TV put on during the meal times to watch her favourite cartoons 

As I listened to her story, more revealing information helped me to construct the causal pathway behind her behaviour. 

From the time her mother went back to work after she was born, at six  months of her age, the breast feeding got discontinued and her grandmother fed her from a bottle, while seated before the TV. Her parents returned home late in the evening after work. On most days the girl would have gone to bed when they returned. The parents tried to wake her around 7 am in the morning for them to get her ready for the morning. On most days, she continued sleeping and parents would leave for work by 8.30 am. 

During the week ends, she spent her time with her cousins. Her parents thought of it as a good social occasion for her. Her play pattern, communication skills, social skills and interests to explore home environment were not developing corresponding to her age. It was difficult for her to socialise with children other than her cousins. She would be uncomfortable in public places. She would run around or cry indicating distress. 

This form of home background is fairly familiar especially in homes where both parents are working and a child is taken care of by grandparents or others along with early prolonged exposure to visual media. 

First of all, this girl was conditioned by the overload of visual media where she watched the actions and listened to the machine language with reduced interactive opportunity with others. What a visual media would do to a toddler is habituation and dependence, with the exclusion of all the other normal exposure to events in the environment, social interaction, exploration of toys to play, attempt make believe play, bet involved in watching the domestic chores at home, etc. 

Secondly this child's sleep pattern was disorderly. All toddlers would need about 10-12 hours of sleep, starting from 8 pm at night till around 7 am in the morning. She slept around 6 pm and got up around 11pm and stayed awake for an hour or so. This was fragmented sleep with discontinuation of sleep cycle. 

Thirdly, the attachment process to parents gradually got dislocated with parents not fully available and the grandparents conforming to her choices without expanding her childhood experiences. The usual activities of singing with actions, showing pictures from children's books to narrate a story or sitting with her to play with toys did not happen as grandparents were unfamiliar with such practices. Parents by the time they realised the emotional distance that was developing with their daughter, she had become used to pattern from which they could not disengage her. The mother by then became pregnant with her second child. The lactational amenorrhoea is a physiological protection from conceiving, till the breast feeding is continued. As the breast feeding stopped at six months, the mother had no protection from conceiving. The mother confessed that she became pregnant before she was ready for another child birth. 

Fourthly, the parents did not have sufficient awareness of parenting practices. They followed a pattern that looked convenient for them. The result was the separation anxiety state of their daughter. 

Fifthly, they did not receive enough help from health care professionals, when they raised this matter with them from 18 months of her age, when her social and language skills were not corresponding to her developmental expectations. At 28 months, the parents  have regrets about not having done enough to help her. 

During the subsequent meeting with the family after the child received some developmental support from professionals, the parents were ready to take steps to support their daughter. I raised the following question for them to consider.  

1. Is it possible to create a Child' Corner at home where they can a shelf with toys, children's books, drawing materials and a mat on the floor, where they can engage their daughter on activities of play three times a day for ten to fifteen minutes. While one of the parents can do this in the morning and evening, one of the grand parents can do it during the day time. We demonstrated how this activity can be done at home, during which we found the child most enthused.  

2. Can they organise the bed time and getting up time of their daughter to bring  a schedule! We explored if the bed time practices of singing, reading  short story or narration of it and keeping the bed room quiet for her to slip into sleep at a fixed time!

3. What about some planned outdoor game time like playing with a ball, play a 'catch me' game, or going to the neighbour's house to play with the dog! During the week end, would it be possible to visit the children's park close by to their home, to observe her interest and participation.

4. Although she was below three years, would they consider taking her to the Anganwadi once or twice a week for her to have an opportunity to be with other children to socialise. 

5. Was it possible to take her during the week end to the beach, the science museum, the zoo, children's pool in the swimming area in the sports complex! The parents thought of this as possible activities during the week ends. 

6. Can they have singing and action song times at home along with both parents at least once a day!

7. What about a visit to a new place where they have different activities for children!

Three weeks later, when I met with the family, what surprised and encouraged me was the new found attachment between the child and parents and plenty of happy experiences. They shared about her interest and participation in different activities at home and outside. She was using words to express her needs; she was happy to play and not return to the TV as before. Her insistence to play in the mobile phone also declined. They established a contact with the play group in the neighbourhood. 

That was when I introduced the booklet Accompany Your Child, a  observational manual for parents to monitor the developmental process in pre-school children. The observations of different domains, mentioned in the manual alerted the parents about the progress they can facilitate, by increasing the interactive engagement of the child. 

As the mother had only three months before the arrival of the next child, the discussion during this visit was centred on preparing their daughter to welcome the baby on arrival. The parents hardly had conversations about the baby with her and all that would be associated with it. I felt that parents were ready to talk with their daughter about the arriving baby and details such as mother going to the hospital, coming back with the baby, the baby cot in the bed room she had also used for two years to be given to the baby, the play time,  feeding time, etc.

The feeding difficulties which dominated the discussion in the first visit was no more a concern for parents. Jyothi was generally cheerful and more sociable. The insistence on some likes and dislikes was less. 

Looking back, the difficulties that Jyoti had developmentally could have arisen due to several factors. One factor that parents addressed meaningfully was more parental availability and involvement. Just with that change alone, the recovery path opened up. The home environment became more playful. Jyoti no more needed the entertainment of the TV. The grandparents provided more emotional space to parents, to promote the attachment behaviour. 

The emotional wellness  is a defining factor in early childhood. The more the parents are familiar with the critical processes to promote child development, the more would be their spontaneous involvements!

A pre-school child is formed emotionally, behaviourally, socially and linguistically when the home is child friendly; activities are child centred and child initiated, and supported by parents! 

The discussion emotional wellness ought to start when a couple is considering to have children. From the planning to conceive, at a time when both parents are ready, to practice foetal and child friendly practices and not fall into the trap of conforming to traditions, new born care to developmental sequences of the first year, creating a Child's corner at home, et are some themes that need more understanding. 

I wish there are professionals who would come forward to create dialogue forums to campaign for creating awareness about ehe emotional wellness of pre-school children!

The manual, Buds to Blossom is a good starter for parents to observe the infancy and toddler years of a child, and monitor the child development process!

The home ambience offers the emotional wellness in early childhood !

Little later, after the Barbet left the berries in the earlier photo, I spotted  it in the papaya tree looking for its feed! This is responsible living!

The foundations for responsible living, beyond childhood, are laid during the early childhood years!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

 

 

Magpie Robin's morning ritual!

 

I found this morning, a Magpie Robin frolicking in the water bath station, which we have in our garden for birds. This ten minute ritual was worth watching! The bird calls in between and the intermittent stirring of water with its bill to splash it, and feel it falling on its body and splaying in the air seemed a typical bird play of a young bird.

It was after a long while I noticed any bird coming to the bird bath. It was raining for about a month and the resident birds in our garden had other pools of water to go to, for their bath and frolicking.  

I wish I could send these photos to parents of children, who refrain their pre-school child from any form of play in water, for fear of catching cold! Many parents make their young children's bath time a struggle to refrain children from, staying in the bath room to play in the water. Some parents keep the bath room shut to prevent children sneaking into the bath room for playing in the water. 

If only parents can think of the several benefits of playing in the water-motor co-ordination through dipping water with a mug and throwing it around; dropping objects in the water and see them sink or float; filling containers having narrow mouth with water which promotes visual-motor co-ordination; foaming the water with soap....! No other experience of play can substitute for this learning experience, which has a motor,  cognitive and exploratory dimension. 

Seeing this Magpie Robin play in the water, I realised how the traction to play in water can be an instinct! I remember seeing something a toddler did in a car park. A family got down from the car and their son, went into the pool of rain water adjacent to the car and jumped and splashed water on his body. His dress was wet and his mother came rushing to rescue him from getting soaked in muddy water. I heard his mother telling him, 'How can we go with this dress for the birthday party'! To which his response was, 'You do not let me play in water at home'!

While water is a fanciful play medium for birds and toddlers, it  also creates some serious concerns in public life. 

The instances of flooding have increased in different parts of India. There is a suggestion from overseas experts that Mullaperiyar dam, which is old, is a risk for human life and property, if it were to have a crack! The Kerala and the Tamil Nadu governments have an ongoing  conflict with the Kerala government wanting to rebuild the dam, which the TN government opposes. 

There is a state wide Bandh today in Karnataka, with farmers protesting over the water sharing dispute between the states of Karnataka and the TN governments.  

The towns in Himachal Pradesh have been destroyed in recent floods due to faulty planning of building in terrains which are prone to flooding. Ther is an overload of building weight on the subsoil which is loose and at risk of erosion. 

During the recent dry spell of one month, the nearby villages had suffered from the water level going down in their wells. 

What surprises me is that neither the central government nor the state governments have a plan to negotiate and resolve disputes between states over sharing water. Water is a national resource. The Supreme Court of India refused to enter into the dispute between the the TN and Karnataka states over sharing Kaveri river water and left it for the states to resolve it. 

I feel the resolve to settle disputes is much less than what existed in the past. The reconciling climate is replaced by an imposing attitude!

The political climate in India is a partisan outlook! It is not a climate of bringing goodwill to people who struggle for wellness! The current attitude of the ruling party in the central government is to move towards its political ideology of a majoritarianism. The conflict in Manipur with two dying yesterday in gun shots, tells us how the central government for political gains, do not act decisively to end  this ethnic conflict, prevailing for four months.

Let me retune to the Magpie Robin. It nee act of thoughtfulness for  anyone of us to offer to birds, in a garden to make them feel cared for.

Often thoughtfulness towards others can be expressed through small acts of kindness. My parents have had a habit of sharing the produce of our farm with our neighbours. Anna continues that habit now with fruits from our garden distributed to all the neighbours. At the weekend, the domestic workers go back home with a bunch of banana. A neighbour leaves small packets of vegetables at their gate for others to take and use. Another neighbour leaves the newspaper hanging on the gate after they finished reading it, for anyone to pick up. Some people return it on the next day. One neighbour replaces the street light in front of their house for the benefit of others. I come across so many such small acts of kindness which remind me of the generosity of others.

We read recently about a teacher telling the students in the class,  to beat a boy hailing from  a minority religious minority. The teacher even after the Supreme Court of India referring to it as 'hurting the conscience of the nation' has offered only a half hearted apology.

Against this backdrop, there is a school which led the students in a harmony walk recently in the community!

Water symbolises thirst and cleaning. In both instances water is a source for our wellness. 

Water is a larger symbol of life, as water is a major component of our body mass. 

When the Magpie Robin dipped in the bowl of water, I felt that it received the water we offered. That was the least we could offer. That small or trivial act seemed to be special for that bird. 

At the end of the day, what stayed in mind was the awfulness of realities of life that we face in a broken world and the several small acts of kindness, each of us can offer to others, which can make our neighbourhood a pleasant place to belong to. 

'What is that, which we have not received'! If so, giving is an overflow of  what we received!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

A time to stay and a time to Move!

The above photos of a Bulbul perched in a flight station for about 20 minutes. engaged me as it stayed without making any bird calls. It seemed to be looking around. Usually Bulbuls would make a fee bird calls in the morning before it woeful fly away to another flight station. 

Then it flew away to another flight station and in no time it broke the silence and went into a chorus of bird calls ! 

 

This aroused my interest and captivated me to think about the patterns that I follow in my behaviour. 

I recall a difficult choice Anna and I had to make, when we lived in Chennai from 1983 to 1997. One senior friend who prepared us to move to Chennai to start the Child Development Centre turned indifferent as Anna and I could not feel comfortable to join a local congregation of worshippers, with which he was associated. It turned out to be a difficult experience for him and for us from then on. 

The local congregation we joined for worship was a popular church which was well known for its diverse engagements with the congregation and others outside the congregation. In fact, it facilitated professionals to move to cross cultural situations to help those living in difficult circumstances. At the end of two years we did not feel a sense of belonging. We stayed on, thinking that we would experience a different ambience in due course. 

On one occasion we happened to meet a pastor in another congregation who came to visit us on the suggestion of Dr Rachel Chacko, a mutual friend. During that meeting, we felt connected with the ambience, he described about the congregation and its different activities. They had a programme for children living in the slum, training women in tailoring, a club for senior citizens, medical clinics, a service facility for differently abled adults, a monthly healing service on Sunday evening, a mid week meditation at lunch time, etc. 

Anna and I went on few Sundays to be with the worshipping congregation to sense the ambience of fellowship within the congregation. We felt surprised by the friendliness and  welcome we experienced. We knew at the end of two months that we were feeling drawn by the congregation to be part of that fellowship. 

The approach of the pastor and the members of the pastorate committee were one of staying in touch with others. That was how we joined that congregation and stayed there, till we moved to Vellore in 1997. 

This congregation in gratitude for what we were able to do to start a service facility for differently able children offered to remember ASHIRVAD on one Sunday in a year, during the worship service. That practice continued for another three years after we relocated ourselves  at Vellore. 

The silent and somber mood of the Bulbul in the first series of pictures reminded me of the experiences with the first congregation that we were part of. It offered all that was required for spiritual nature; but we did not feel connected and related. We found going to the worship service as an end in itself and waited for the next Sunday service.  

But the other congregation offered a sense of belonging to upbuild relationships and offered opportunities to be involved in the ministry of the church. We felt connected during the week with someone from the church telephoning or visiting. The Sunday school focussed on facilitating childhood formation of conduct and character. 

The last two photos of the same Bulbul, who after twenty minutes of just looking around with no bird call as shown in the first series of phots, breaking forth into bird calls, was our experience in the second congregation. 

This raises a question as to how long we stay enduring a difficult situation and live without a song in our soul!

I had a telephone call few days ago, from a friend, who is involved in supporting professionals in an institution. I wondered if he was coming to a 'giving up' stage in his association, as the institution cannot go beyond a conventional and conservative mode of planning, to create a visionary perspective to their work and presence. 

This is a question and dilemma with which some continue in their work place not knowing how to take a decision for changing the situation at work place or looking out for a change to work elsewhere!

Three questions would help in clarifying the dilemma!

1. Is there anything that I can do to bring a change in the ambience?  

Often opportunities for initiating a change process lies in ambush. It is through search and dialogue with like minded people, this would emerge. Sometimes, that opening is too little to have an impact to lead others to a new level of envisioning, from merely working. Even then a good season of trial for collective dialogue is worthwhile. 

I remember an occasion when I was involved with an organisation in its governing board, struggling with a more participatory decision making process. The practice was democratic decision making, which in most instances were opinions of some key people, who had the ability to control or command adherence to their chosen path. In the process of facilitating informed discussions, I realised how those who had strong positions gradually changed their opinion, seeing the larger benefits. The tissue was about extending the retirement age of professionals. While working with the officers of that organisation, who too had mixed opinions, I found how open ended conversations gradually eased apprehensions, defences and changed some presuppositions.  

During a season of six months, a matter which remained polarised for over five years,  gradually received attention it deserved, to make a well informed decision. I recall this to illustrate the process that was involved,  by contacting professionals and giving them an opportunity to express and addressing concerns that prevented them from seeing the larger picture. 

Listening to understand, exploring the matter unbiased and relating to those who differed with patience, helped in finding a way forward. 

Before 'giving up' in a difficult situation, what is the one thing one can do to make a difference, can be a defining question. 

We can still sing our soul song, knowing that God is at work in our midst.

2. The second question is: Is there anything in me, which can hamper the change process that is proposed?

I remember an instance when I was associated with the decision making body of an organisation about forty years ago. This international organisation was reducing its presence in an incremental manner in India due to various reasons. Although the visa related restrictions for the ex-patriates to come to India, could have been one reason, that could not be a sufficient reason, when the professionals from this organisation were at critical positions of responsibility in some national organisations. I favoured no change in policy and deliberated on this in the meetings. I knew that some  in the group favoured moving professionals as 'tent makers' to the Middle East countries. Having presented the reasons to continue involvement in India as before, I stepped back and left the decision for the rest. 

I continued to be part of the organisation till Anna and I came to the retiring phase of our life. Instead of dissenting and leaving, we continued without being dogmatic about a view point which was based on  some considerations. 

It is important to avoid disruption as much as possible and continue to offer support, even when decisions or ambiance in the place where we work change from what we desired. Before we quit in distress, it might be possible to make a change in one's attitude and allow time to show if anything more is needed!

During such times we can return to sing from our soul because, what we let go, normally helps us to feel whole!

3. What is a middle path in a given situation ?

All of us suffer from a psycho-behavioural trap of being opinionated now and then, sometimes more often than how it should be! 

This assertive or dogmatic position can hinder relationships and group dynamics. 

I remember a tense situation in an institution when one of its senior retired leaders decided to take the institution to the court over an issue related to a major policy shift. Having known this person personally for a good period of time, I met with him. He was getting ready to go to the  court to register the case, with the driver waiting in the car to take him. 

He was happy to share all his concerns and how he felt not listened to. I requested him to differ going to the court. He asked me to explain the situation to his lawyer and indicate that some negotiations have started. I met the then leaders of the organisation and persuaded that they create a forum to listen to the grievances of this retired leader. A meeting could be arranged and in the following six weeks,  discussions led to partial resolution of a major embarrassment for the institution. 

The question that I raised with the retired leader was, 'Is there a middle path without dragging the matter to the court'! The question I had for the then leaders was, Is there a middle path without being rigid?

I had frequent contacts with the retired leader and the then leaders of the organisation during the next six weeks. I found how a tense situation got settled in an amicable way, by listening and finding a new way. It was different from what both sides had pursued, leading to the breakdown of communication. 

I feel distressed when I hear stories of breakdown of communication in organisations, families, work places...! 

There is a process of Alternate Dispute Resolution, which is what we need to consider for resolving conflicting situations!

The Bulbul needed a change of its ambience before it could sing its song!

This can be true of us as well!

The change takes place first within us! 

 If that happens, the ambience is already better. 

There is a middle path in a given situation!

M. C Mathew(text and photo)