The light and the darkness of the dawn!

I was sorrowful and heavy of heart as I walked out to the garden yesterday. Everything looked like covered in darkness. As I waited the rising sun spread its rays differentially on the foliage. That is what enabled me to spot the Magpie Robin perched in a terminal twig of a nutmeg tree protected by foliage from all around. As I watched if the sun rays would make the Robin more visible, I was disappointed. For almost ten minutes the Robin remained obscure and not so visible.  

The Magpie Robin was the same beautiful, well groomed and elegant bird, but the darkness obliterated its visibility. The morning sun at dawn was not able to reach it as the thick foliage  filtered the sun rays, allowing it to fall only faintly and differentially on it. Only a bit of its body received the sun rays mont enough to bring it to its fullness. 

I feel surrounded by darkness as I think of my work place situation. When all the  darkness of the dawn extends to the day, it is an intensified darkness. As I face this situation, something difficult to endure, I came across another sight in the evening of the same day when it was dark and downcast and threatening to rain. Amidst the down pour, I was attempting to capture the rain drops in the camera focussing at a distance. Lo, and behold this is what I found. 

A wild jack fruit tree full of its fruits, clear enough to see inspite of darkness and rain. They were in large numbers. 

I felt inspired by this sight. To bear fruit is the calling. How others perceive my work and performance is conditional to many factors. But to pursue doing good  will be the only testimony of one's intent to bear fruits. 

In the book, Spirituality and the Awakening Self, Dr David G. Benner wrote: 

'I am not always my  true Self...Our shadow is simply one of the many part selves that confront us with the reality that we are a kingdom divided. We try to appear to be the single self we wish to be, but all of us are a family of different selves, and some of these part selves are inevitably in conflict with others. We are not the consistent self we try to present to teh world.that persona is but one face of the multiplicity that we are. Until we are willing to welcome the other part selves into the family, we will be never while.

Becoming aware of our  dividedness is a mark of entering this next substage of consciousness of development. Now our dividedness becomes a central feature of our consciousness: growing awareness of our lack of wholeness forms a prominent part of the background awareness as we gather hints of what it is too live our truth and yet be surrounded by evidence of how little we do so. Although  the way of being my truth is now on the horizon, and I have touched it enough to know its singularly integral taste, much more of the time my experience is of being other than this wholeness and truth. My self therefore is the one who is not always living the truth of myself  ' (page 130). 

The author of the book of James in the New Testament while referring to this self-pathology reminded the readers to 'be no longer of two minds (James 1:8) Kierkegaard suggested that self can 'become whole only when it embraces the tensions within its constituent parts'. This forms the premise and foundation of the  depth psychology, which challenges us to 'becoming who we truly and more deeply are'.

Two sights- the darkness in which I exist and the fruits of life in spite of that! There is a journey beyond darkness. The crisis times in one's life are occasions to travel inward to be gentle with the divided self and tarry in journey patiently and  longing for integration of the divided self. 

Th writer of Psalm in the Old Testament, said, 'I am in prayer' (Psalm 108.4)! This to me shall mean that I am called to live in silence, till in my inner being the ambience of integration  bears its light. 

From being sorrowful and heavy of heart, I feel guided into another journey towards truth and wholeness. It is a private and sacred journey in which one waits patiently and trustfully! It is when one is carried beyond this 'locked down' experience there is freedom for communication and regathering of relationships. 

To turn towards oneself in times of pain and loneliness is a paradox and yet it is the only ground that one can find to stand. Others might interpret facts and situations rationally, but our soul alone can feel the estrangement and find its refuge in the comfort of being accepted by the One, who takes delight in inviting all to come to Him, who are 'heavy of heart and burdened'. 

As I take these faltering steps, if I fall, it is only into the receiving hands of the Father to receive the embrace in the story of the prodigal son. 

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)