Wild Jack fruits and my negotiating journey!

The wild jack fruits used to be sought after as a fruit during my childhood. After about a long pause these fruits have come back to be sought after again, as they are nutritious with anti-oxidant property. These fruits known as Anjili Chakka in the local language grows in a tree whose timber is used for construction of houses, household furniture, etc as it is known to last a few generations. 

Let me go back to my childhood. We had three trees in our garden of these fruits. Normally birds ate the fruits. Since I discovered from friends from the school, I too got hooked on to it during the summer holidays when these fruits normally ripened. I used to use a long bamboo pole to gather them and keep them in the hay stack for them to ripen. These fruits are filling and almost addictive due to a special taste. I would have two or three of them in between meals and my parents got disturbed because I ate less food at meal times. They forbade me from eating in between meals, instead eating only as a desert.  That was a tall order and I reacted to it. My parents gave me no freedom to negotiate on this.  

My parents found the places where I kept them for ripening. They would then ration me the fruit only at meal times. I found new places to hide the raw fruits to ripen.  When my parents found that I by-passed them, they removed the bamboo pole I used to fell the raw fruits. When that happened I remember considering to climb one of the trees. That was a daunting task. So I gave up. Fortunately the neighbour had a long bamboo pole and I used it to pluck the raw fruits. 

When my parents found that I was not in a mood to give in, they decided to negotiate with me again. The offer from them was maximum of four fruits a day. That sounded reasonable. So I accepted it on condition that I be given a chance to eat them at snack time. Their condition was that I ate all the food served on my plate. I thought that was fair enough. But my mother was gracious to serve little less in consideration to me. 

I recall this story to suggest how parents and children can be negotiating to find a middle path. I was then about eight years old, and this negotiating approach became a pattern at home during my pre-adolescent years. 

How I wish that parents view their children not as subjects under obligation to obey, like the civil society rules we are obliged to follow compulsorily. Instead a home is a place for conversation and dialogue. I have in the recent years suggested to parents and teachers that we need to let children win at least fifty percent of times in the preadolescent years. It is during this time their selfhood emerges with opinions, desires, choices or inclinations. Most of these are peer controlled. Their selfhood is supreme to them and is the foundation for adult formation.

The way forward is to make an effort to understand the thought stream which directs a child to choose one way.

Recently a family told me about their nine year old child, who made them to go to seven shoe stores till he found the brand that he was fond of. His three friends with whom he would hang around at lunch time spoke about this brand and placed it above others. Narrating this incident the father said that he saved  one thousand rupees although he burned fuel almost equivalent to that amount.  For him the shoes looked inferior in quality in comparison to the other branded walking shoes.  

Let me suggest that this family acted wisely to give in to their son's choice. It was he who was going to wear the shoes. He needed to be happy and be seen by his peers conforming! I suspect that there was no moral issue in this choice, because of which it was easier for parents to give in! 

But what if their son wanted to return home only at 8 pm after hanging around with his friends! That is altogether another issue where one sidedness would not help at all! It is an issue for engagement and serious negotiation. 

All children from  the age of seven or so till about thirteen or so are in a critical stage when they explore to know the capacity for them to choose and win dialogues. That is a need- to feel affirmed.  

Let me suggest that we learn to grow as parents to welcome children as our companions! Enlarge children's  thinking skills and broaden the reasoning foundation. That is the essence of the  Chinese proverb, 'do not serve fish, but teach how to fish'!

I grew up with a rebellious streak, but some friends rescued me form wandering and drifting at a crucial time. I was in the third year of studying medicine them. 

I look back at my childhood and feel grateful that I was given enough freedom to choose!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)