Face to face !

 

I have spent time understanding and finding the meaning of the different patterns of eye contacts between humans.

It was after this squirrel moved away from looking at me intently I got to sense another dimension of eye contact. Let me explore this. 

We look at each other to recognise another person and offer an indication through our look welcome, feelings, regard, appreciation or trust. We might feel embarrassed to keep looking another person beyond a reasonable time because fo which we turn our eyes to another site and yet in a position to include the person in our visual field. Let me suggest five aspects of a look.

Looking to see 

When we look at a person it might be a transient look of a greetings and is. asocial courteously we might offer to strangers and familiar people alike. The smile that accompanies is an emotional response of comfort or gladness and is often an expression of good wishes we have towards that person. In one sense it is an expression of ourselves and our orientation than a measured response to another person. We are being ourselves when we offer a greeting. Looking to greet is an indication of noticing and regarding a person.

Looking to engage

In a romantic sense two lovers look at each other to take delight in each other and communicate warmth of thoughts facially or through a touch of affection. Even between just friends, there is a plane of communication of regards and affection communicated through a gentle and receiving or inviting look. It is in such a look conversations emerge with a desire to affirm and upbuild the other person. The conversations therefore become an extension of mutual acceptance and an occasion to affirm trust. 

Looking to connect 

Each of us a has story to share. It might be an experience of joy, sadness, conflict, anxiety or fear. It is often friends who can absorb such stories through listening and offer of support to face the circumstances. A good relationship is one, where we refrain from advising, but be open to accompany with steadfast support. To wait till asked for an opinion is difficult  for most of us. We assume that someone shares a story with us to get our instant feed back. Instead others share the stories with us to feel the strength of companionship. Most people find their way forward on their own which is what is natural and usual. The feeling that there is a friend who stays faithful provides strength to choose the way forward. Feeling connected with people is a way of deepening trust. We can do this even when there are differences in the way we interpret situations. 

Looking to invite

There are times when we feel lonely, isolated, excluded or wronged. The is when we might feel overwhelmed by a situation more than we can endure. Our body language, tone, mood or behaviour would indicate that. I remember one occasion when I asked a person, 'Are you all right'? The response was, 'How did you suspect that'?. This led to a half an hour conversation  about a situation about which that person was anguished and at a cross road. In three subsequent conversations, that person was able to explore a lot to find a direction amidst the burden and anxiety. I seem to have asked that question at a time, when that person was at his wits end. He was not a person with whom I had a lot to do. Looking out for people who seemed to be needy is a valuable contribution to support others.

Looking to avoid

This is a usual defence we carry with us to send a signal of disapproval, anger, or distance. We fail to look at a person directly or even while being spoken to. We can look away or down or avoid eye contact. The facial gestures communicate heaviness and discomfort. The feelings of discomfort get expressed appropriately or in an exaggerated fashion. Even when this happens it is important to make an effort to receive that and stay tolerant. What others convey through their look is not what gives us our approval, but our inward voice of truth. If one is aware of a reason for the person's indifference, then it might be good to allow for an opportune time to enquire into it. Usually arguments or defence do not help in resolving matters. All of us are reasonable enough to be trusted for what one chooses to do or not to do. Therefore to give each other space to return to a state of comfort is a reasonable approach, although the relationships might remain strained for a while. What is important is not to give up on trusting each other. 

Look of concern

Th professor under whom I worked was a gentleman in every sense of the word. He paused before he made any comment. That pause was communicative. By habit I sensed what might be going through his mind. He did not need to elaborate on what he thought. I found that as a brilliant way of communicating without words. Words can sometimes hurt but a look saves that. When a look is enough, why words at all. Words lead us astray in two arguments or justification. A look conveys just enough, leading the outer person to ponder over the issue without having to process the words spoken. We save others from having to hear comments publicly. We protect others through a look of concern, good enough for that person to give a second look at his or her thoughts!

Look of Disapproval

Often it is enough to send a facial signal of caution or hesitancy to approve of a matter, rather than being verbal beyond the minimum. The less we speak in a situation when we have an opposite view, the better. What is spoken just once receives more attention than what is repeated. Helping another person to discover his or her way is a better approach than coming down heavily on another person in a reprimanding way. I am yet to make this as my habit. I fail often and my disapproving words create upheaval and hurt. Nevertheless, I have come to believe that a look of disapproval is often enough to indicate one's point of view and leave it there, unless there is a concern of danger or risk of serious nature in which case an explanation is needed to be stated.

A look has the quality of upbuilding and affirming. That is what I long to convey as much as possible! Another journey in behaviour orientation!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)