Wild Jack fruits and my negotiating journey!

The wild jack fruits used to be sought after as a fruit during my childhood. After about a long pause these fruits have come back to be sought after again, as they are nutritious with anti-oxidant property. These fruits known as Anjili Chakka in the local language grows in a tree whose timber is used for construction of houses, household furniture, etc as it is known to last a few generations. 

Let me go back to my childhood. We had three trees in our garden of these fruits. Normally birds ate the fruits. Since I discovered from friends from the school, I too got hooked on to it during the summer holidays when these fruits normally ripened. I used to use a long bamboo pole to gather them and keep them in the hay stack for them to ripen. These fruits are filling and almost addictive due to a special taste. I would have two or three of them in between meals and my parents got disturbed because I ate less food at meal times. They forbade me from eating in between meals, instead eating only as a desert.  That was a tall order and I reacted to it. My parents gave me no freedom to negotiate on this.  

My parents found the places where I kept them for ripening. They would then ration me the fruit only at meal times. I found new places to hide the raw fruits to ripen.  When my parents found that I by-passed them, they removed the bamboo pole I used to fell the raw fruits. When that happened I remember considering to climb one of the trees. That was a daunting task. So I gave up. Fortunately the neighbour had a long bamboo pole and I used it to pluck the raw fruits. 

When my parents found that I was not in a mood to give in, they decided to negotiate with me again. The offer from them was maximum of four fruits a day. That sounded reasonable. So I accepted it on condition that I be given a chance to eat them at snack time. Their condition was that I ate all the food served on my plate. I thought that was fair enough. But my mother was gracious to serve little less in consideration to me. 

I recall this story to suggest how parents and children can be negotiating to find a middle path. I was then about eight years old, and this negotiating approach became a pattern at home during my pre-adolescent years. 

How I wish that parents view their children not as subjects under obligation to obey, like the civil society rules we are obliged to follow compulsorily. Instead a home is a place for conversation and dialogue. I have in the recent years suggested to parents and teachers that we need to let children win at least fifty percent of times in the preadolescent years. It is during this time their selfhood emerges with opinions, desires, choices or inclinations. Most of these are peer controlled. Their selfhood is supreme to them and is the foundation for adult formation.

The way forward is to make an effort to understand the thought stream which directs a child to choose one way.

Recently a family told me about their nine year old child, who made them to go to seven shoe stores till he found the brand that he was fond of. His three friends with whom he would hang around at lunch time spoke about this brand and placed it above others. Narrating this incident the father said that he saved  one thousand rupees although he burned fuel almost equivalent to that amount.  For him the shoes looked inferior in quality in comparison to the other branded walking shoes.  

Let me suggest that this family acted wisely to give in to their son's choice. It was he who was going to wear the shoes. He needed to be happy and be seen by his peers conforming! I suspect that there was no moral issue in this choice, because of which it was easier for parents to give in! 

But what if their son wanted to return home only at 8 pm after hanging around with his friends! That is altogether another issue where one sidedness would not help at all! It is an issue for engagement and serious negotiation. 

All children from  the age of seven or so till about thirteen or so are in a critical stage when they explore to know the capacity for them to choose and win dialogues. That is a need- to feel affirmed.  

Let me suggest that we learn to grow as parents to welcome children as our companions! Enlarge children's  thinking skills and broaden the reasoning foundation. That is the essence of the  Chinese proverb, 'do not serve fish, but teach how to fish'!

I grew up with a rebellious streak, but some friends rescued me form wandering and drifting at a crucial time. I was in the third year of studying medicine them. 

I look back at my childhood and feel grateful that I was given enough freedom to choose!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

A Drongo with one long tail !

I spotted a Racket tailed Drongo in our garden, but it had only one longer tail. Is it an exception or following an injury! 

Yes, when we something different from the usual, it draws our attention. 

But it had its usual bird song! It kept hopping between trees normally. 

From the other end of the garden a Drongo with its two tail was singing away at the same time!

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)

New arrival of Small birds

I am mot sure if it is a Paddyfield Warbler or Blyth's Reed Warbler or some other Warbler. I spotted this one along with two similar ones, who escaped before I could turn to them. Small, beautiful and gentle mannered birds!

Our garden got a respectable status with small birds becoming comfortable in the garden!

They presented a new outlook. They escape attention and their presence is not noisy!

But such words are special to watch and track just because they have a different flight and movement pattern than other birds. They hope from one bush to the other which is adjacent. They are noticeable only when you deliberately look for them. 

One form of quiet and delightful existence!

M.C.Mathew 

Farewell to Cool nights!

 

The above pictures till the first week of February are an illustration of cool nights. 

Now the leaves of plants look dry at dawn. The early onset of summer by-passing  the Spring! 

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Let children be Children!

I  like Dulcie to be free to explore our courtyard early in the morning, when I take a walk. She would come up to the steps and sit there. When I call her, 'come' she would turn her head away from me. When I call her a second time she would look away altogether ignoring me. But if I were to say 'run with me', she would instantly come because she likes that. 

I pondered over it and sometimes dragged her to the courtyard. But she would return to her favourite spot at the threshold and keep watching me. Where as if it is later in the day, she would rush out when the door is open roll in the lawn,  unless she is stopped. I wondered what is the difference between early morning and later in the day. Was it that she was 'stubborn' or exercising her will as some might want to interpret! 

Her favourite place to frolic is in the lawn in the courtyard. The lawn is wet early in the morning. I reasoned out after several experiments that it might be the reason for her to avoid coming out early in the morning. To test this hypothesis, I carried her to the lawn and left her there. She ran back to the steps and remained seated there. Her favourite snack is biscuit. If Anna and or I were to say, 'biscuit', Dulcie would instantly come running where ever she is. I put some biscuits one day by showing her and invited her to come and take it. She would come upto the brick work around the lawn and stop there longingly looking at the biscuits. So it was clear enough that it was the moisture in the lawn that she wanted to avoid. By about ten in the morning the lawn is dry and warm for her to roll over and she would use every opportunity to do so. It is only a firm 'No', which would stop her. 

I am almost tired of hearing parents describe their two, three or four years children as 'stubborn', 'insistent', or 'disobedient'! In an on-line consultation a mother used her twenty minutes to convince me that her daughter was stubborn. I watched her three years old daughter sit in and hear all what her mother was speaking. I wanted the girl stay from the conversation, but her mother could not dissuade her till she was give her colouring book. 

To every suggestion about her daughter's 'stubbornness', I had a counter that it might not be intentional but only for humour. One example that mother finally used to 'prove her point' was that her daughter  would rush into the bath room to play with water when ever the bath room door is open. Now that she is taller she can unlatch the door and play in the water. Mother was 'grumbling' about having to change her dress five times the day before. When I asked her about the other interests of her daughter, mother narrated- listening to songs and stories, going to the garden to look for butterflies, using the colour pencils to draw flowers and being with the mother while cooking. 

I thought that this three years old girl had all the natural interests, any child of her age ought to have. For her mother, her daughter was 'insistent'. At this moment her daughter came running and  interrupted to say that, 'Mummy has no time to play with me'. Her mother who is an on-line trader of stocks is a preoccupied person with a profit driven work orientation. 

To cover her lack of time or interest to occupy her daughter, mother described her as stubborn or insistent. What a travesty of truth! It was an escape route from her guilt or disinclination to be a play companion to her daughter.

I too thought of Dulcie as stubborn till I got to understand her difficulty to be on a wet lawn.

I am tired of this expectation that parents propose that the three years or four years old children ought to be 'obedient'. On another occasion, a three years old child told me she does not deliberately respond to her mother's call  because that is the only way she can get her mother play 'hide and seek' with her. Is it not a sense of humour that we see in this child, although if this is what she would do every time, it would need attention and correction! 

I wish that we can let children be children and develop a greater sense of humour, patience, understanding and use clever ways to disarm them if they were to take over and not be thoughtful. How terrible it might be if a child is seeking for her mother to play 'hide and seek', when the school bus is waiting at the gate! That is not a desirable behaviour. With those exceptions, I tend to think that most children 'defy' parents because that is the way they get some attention to engage the parents. 

For a two or three or a four years old child, the parents are their providers and play mates. At five, let parents know that, children are 'lost' to their school friends. Before parents get normally displaced at five, six and seven years of their child, let me invite parents to be worthily occupied with their children, keeping them at the centre of their attention!

Children are not stubborn at two, three or four years but just being playful ! There are exceptions and this would need professional attention. 

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)

 

 

A photo-friendly Redwhiskered Bulbul

I found a friendly Bulbul who did not get disturbed by the shutter noise. Although it moved its body and changed posture, it was still possible to take some photos, although they were not sharp enough as light condition suited  only to shoot with a tripod. I was not ready with it.

What fascinated me that the Bulbul allowed eye to eye contact. 

That is the beginning of a friendly gesture from birds who live close to human dwellings. 

One might be bird friendly, but to receive a reciprocal human friendly behaviour from birds is not so common. 

When that happens occasionally it is a most special experience for a bird-watcher!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

My work corner!

It was yesterday I realised that this work corner is the sixth location, I have occupied for my clinical work in the last eight years. It is a corner of a large hall, which is used for multiple purposes. This corner has all the facilities that I would have aspired for, even a wash basin, which was not there in any of the five other places I occupied earlier. 

Yesterday I had about an hour for myself as two children dropped out from coming for consultation. It was during that time, I had an opportunity to go back to my memory lane to visualise about fifty Child Development Centres that I have been to in India and nine other countries. 

I wondered as to what made me design the room the way it is now. It was one thought. What would make a space visually friendly! In a COVID season I wanted to avoid having articles or toys that children would feel tempted to handle or mouth as it would make it difficult to sanitise them. 

Since started using this place for the last two weeks, most children who came sat glued to the chair, looking around in the room to identify about fifty or so pictures all around on the display stands. It is  a new discovery for me! Children can visually engage pictures and name them  to associate an information with the pictures. 

With the outside temperature soaring to 31 degree celsius and humidity to about 60 percent, the ambience in this work space is cooler and lighter because it is the ground floor and is well ventilated. 

It is a place that reminds me that it is the heart that makes the ambience and not the just physical settings alone! 

To know what you need and match the physical ambience with what you need at a particular time, is one way of making a work place hospitable to others and comfortable to oneself!

M.C. Mathew(text and photo)

 

A photographer's quest!

As I welcomed this friendly and creative photographer yesterday to the work place, I got to see the steps he went through the steps to take a short interview in connection with creating a video of the hospital in c connection with its 50th anniversary. It was not his obvious charm or skill that appealed to me, but his evident pleasure in what he was doing. He having completed 42 interviews and visits to the different departments, I would have expected him to be casual and in a hurry to complete his assignment. Instead he seemed to have kept the focus on the final 20 minutes video he hoped to produce out of it. He worked about six hours with his camera each day and about three Horus on editing and dubbing sound tract and interviews. 

The tow things a camera man uses is his eyes and hands. This photographer had an unusual skill and flair for both to design and create. It was a pleasant meeting and something to learn from!

I paused to reflect on this meeting after he left. As a clinician I too depend on the skills of observing with my eyes and examining children with my hands. 

Yesterday, a child of 21 years sat crying in his mother's alp. Every time I approached towards him, he intensified his resistance to be examined. As his symptoms related to behaviours language delay, and social aloofness, I was keen to look for any neuro-cutaneous markers in him. He was referred to me by an adult neurologist with a question about his behaviour. I could not make any headway in my clinical examination except check on his hearing and vision. Usually I am inclined to search the body for any neuro-cutaneous markers. He did not allow to expose his body. In about ten minutes, I finally got to search his body. To my surprise there was a large hypo-melanotic patch and two large cafe-u-let spots.

I had geed up at least on three occasions to examine his skin, due to his intense resistance. But something within me prompted to be patent and continue the search. They added to the diagnostic suspicion I had carried with me. Now I wait for the results of post-mydriatic examination of the eyes to be for decisive of the diagnosis. 

I was glad to have met the photographer in the morning to observe his patience and diligence. He did not let his work be less than to be of  high standard  that he had set for himself. 

One's quest to do whatever one does is to do it better each time. This is a good aspiration to live with. That is how one protects oneself from falling into the trap of taking short cuts. 

It is now forty-five years since I have been in clinical practice with children. I continue to be  amazed by the enormous critical information that one can gather by a careful examination of every child.  

How often I felt inclined to give up on clinical examination, as a child was resistant for examination! 

In fact, children have been my teachers and they have helped me to stay  refreshed clinically!

M.C.Mathew (text and photo) 

  

Flowers in broken branches

 

The only  blossoms I could find yesterday in this mango tree was from the two broken branches. Those flowers look healthy and ready to bear fruit. The rest of the tree does not show the flowers as yet. 

Normally a broken branch would delay bearing fruit. So this is a mystery!

Every time I wash my hands at the wash basin after examining a child, I have a direct view of this sight for the last three weeks.

It was during the last three weeks I had an intensely difficult experience in my work place. Amidst that disturbing and unsettling encounter at work place, I watched this hurting  branch giving its blossom. 

It is a message to my soul. Only goodness alone can be the legitimate response when hurt and bleeding. I take this message to my heart although it is difficult and effortful. 

Oh, that I might make this message my purpose in relating to others! 

In fact, although this mango tree is outside a public path, I wonder whether this mystery gets noticed! The two hurting branches give away the flowers for fruit bearing!

That is a mission worth pursuing when we feel hurt and sad!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

The paddy field in harvest time!

It is now over a week since the harvest commenced. With a just a few workers the progress has been slow.  

I stand and watch this sight in the morning and evening while going and returning from work. One farmers told me that it is laborious to get the grains ready for taking to the market. At the market, the sale price is distributed sometimes even after six months, perhaps just before the next planting season. 

Listening to him made me feel that he was heavy of heart and has debts to pay to the bank. He looked most pleased that the harvest yielded well, the best in the last three years. That was an encouraging sign of something good in sight.

When he turned his attention to the farmers in Delhi, his voice choked. He felt for them as they lived for over four months in the streets of Delhi with none giving enough attention to the needs of the farmers! His question to me, 'Don't others feel for farmers who bring food to their table'!

I returned home yesterday with that question in my mind! I woke up twice in the night and felt the question in my mind!

Where are those who feel enough to reduce the suffering and support a cause. 

A grandfather who brought his grandson for consultation looked oblivious of the unspoken needs of a pre-adolescent  child. The boy meets his parents once in a year as they work overseas. This is so for six years now. All through the consultation the boy sat with his head down. During a few minutes when I found him alone, he told me that he was lonely! He spoke to me in a subdued voice. 

Every occasion is an opportunity to be a listener and to feel with those who are hurting!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

A single flower and a cluster!

I have often valued a cluster of flowers more than a single flower! 

Of late, I have been drawn by single flowers for they can be distinct and noteworthy! 

Human mind naturally has a traction for what appears large, visible, imposing or made to appear important. 

But it is often a single flower which stands out even when it is in a bunch of flowers. The solitary flower in the first photo and the rose flower with designs in its petal in the cluster of flowers, have something unique of their own. 

Each of us might feel sometimes not valuable enough as others around us do not recognise us enough. Let me suggest that fairness is uncommon in most instances. There might even be an attitude of subduing the role and significance of others. 

It is not in a cluster we shall find our identity. Let each of us find our identity in ourselves and not even through the relationships we seek to foster. 

What does it mean to be ourselves in our home, work place and in our neighbourhood! A solitary flower will not get as much an attention as a cluster of flowers. But a solitary flower is present in its quiet corner. It gives its nectar to bees and butterfly. 

Let each of us, who feels lonely because we are made to feel solitary or alienated, continue giving away our nectar to everyone who seeks our attention. Think of one neighbour or a companion to whom alone we can relate in difficult situations. He or she becomes our orbit of concern. 

The presence of a solitary flower in our garden is a message that each of us has a place and role in every situation, how much ever the system attempts to obliterate or trivialise us. 

Be present fully and when made to feel the swaying wind of hostility, remember that flower is for others. The life of a flower is that, it shall drop its petals after a while or get picked from the plant and wither away after a while. 

Every day is an opportunity! Let us remember that the fragrance of a flower is for everyone, whether one is fond of flowers or not!

Living with openness just as the flower remains fully open is a calling! The more open we are, the more we are able to share goodness around us!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

 

   

The Papaya tree beside the well in our garden! It receives its nourishment all the time! It is its first season of fruit bearing. 

Every time I visit this tree, I feel the call to stay focussed. Th distractions to get carried away or feel low are too many each day. 

The quiet and communicating presence of this tree is to stay focussed in the calling of life!

I felt tempted yesterday in a conversation, to make others the reason to have lesser number of families and children visit the department where I work. It made me aware that I created an appointment system in the department, which gave a message that parents need to wait. With that system replaced by a welcome message, I sense a change in trend!

The moment we shift focus from others to ourselves, we make a departure from our calling! 

Life offers us many chances to change and revise the way we live focussed!

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)

The light and the darkness of the dawn!

I was sorrowful and heavy of heart as I walked out to the garden yesterday. Everything looked like covered in darkness. As I waited the rising sun spread its rays differentially on the foliage. That is what enabled me to spot the Magpie Robin perched in a terminal twig of a nutmeg tree protected by foliage from all around. As I watched if the sun rays would make the Robin more visible, I was disappointed. For almost ten minutes the Robin remained obscure and not so visible.  

The Magpie Robin was the same beautiful, well groomed and elegant bird, but the darkness obliterated its visibility. The morning sun at dawn was not able to reach it as the thick foliage  filtered the sun rays, allowing it to fall only faintly and differentially on it. Only a bit of its body received the sun rays mont enough to bring it to its fullness. 

I feel surrounded by darkness as I think of my work place situation. When all the  darkness of the dawn extends to the day, it is an intensified darkness. As I face this situation, something difficult to endure, I came across another sight in the evening of the same day when it was dark and downcast and threatening to rain. Amidst the down pour, I was attempting to capture the rain drops in the camera focussing at a distance. Lo, and behold this is what I found. 

A wild jack fruit tree full of its fruits, clear enough to see inspite of darkness and rain. They were in large numbers. 

I felt inspired by this sight. To bear fruit is the calling. How others perceive my work and performance is conditional to many factors. But to pursue doing good  will be the only testimony of one's intent to bear fruits. 

In the book, Spirituality and the Awakening Self, Dr David G. Benner wrote: 

'I am not always my  true Self...Our shadow is simply one of the many part selves that confront us with the reality that we are a kingdom divided. We try to appear to be the single self we wish to be, but all of us are a family of different selves, and some of these part selves are inevitably in conflict with others. We are not the consistent self we try to present to teh world.that persona is but one face of the multiplicity that we are. Until we are willing to welcome the other part selves into the family, we will be never while.

Becoming aware of our  dividedness is a mark of entering this next substage of consciousness of development. Now our dividedness becomes a central feature of our consciousness: growing awareness of our lack of wholeness forms a prominent part of the background awareness as we gather hints of what it is too live our truth and yet be surrounded by evidence of how little we do so. Although  the way of being my truth is now on the horizon, and I have touched it enough to know its singularly integral taste, much more of the time my experience is of being other than this wholeness and truth. My self therefore is the one who is not always living the truth of myself  ' (page 130). 

The author of the book of James in the New Testament while referring to this self-pathology reminded the readers to 'be no longer of two minds (James 1:8) Kierkegaard suggested that self can 'become whole only when it embraces the tensions within its constituent parts'. This forms the premise and foundation of the  depth psychology, which challenges us to 'becoming who we truly and more deeply are'.

Two sights- the darkness in which I exist and the fruits of life in spite of that! There is a journey beyond darkness. The crisis times in one's life are occasions to travel inward to be gentle with the divided self and tarry in journey patiently and  longing for integration of the divided self. 

Th writer of Psalm in the Old Testament, said, 'I am in prayer' (Psalm 108.4)! This to me shall mean that I am called to live in silence, till in my inner being the ambience of integration  bears its light. 

From being sorrowful and heavy of heart, I feel guided into another journey towards truth and wholeness. It is a private and sacred journey in which one waits patiently and trustfully! It is when one is carried beyond this 'locked down' experience there is freedom for communication and regathering of relationships. 

To turn towards oneself in times of pain and loneliness is a paradox and yet it is the only ground that one can find to stand. Others might interpret facts and situations rationally, but our soul alone can feel the estrangement and find its refuge in the comfort of being accepted by the One, who takes delight in inviting all to come to Him, who are 'heavy of heart and burdened'. 

As I take these faltering steps, if I fall, it is only into the receiving hands of the Father to receive the embrace in the story of the prodigal son. 

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Strong for the wind !

During the late after noon strong wind yesterday, I found this feeble plant and a dragon fly stay put, surviving the wind which blew away leaves and wrenched a few branches. 

I felt inspired by their 'staying ability'!

There are circumstances in life when one has to choose between staying and leaving!

I am currently at a cross road!

When the wind is strong, the wind can carry away whatever it finds in its course. But the rootedness or holding on often sustain us from being carried away. 

Such a consciousness of facing adverse circumstances can come to u, when we feel 'called' to a situation or responsibility and yet holding on to it loosely and lightly! 

The plant swayed in the wind and the dragon fly kept readjusting its position. It was stressful! Yet the wind did not overcome them. That was the lesson that came home to me!

In any situation of stress, willingness to go through it trustfully, hopefully and gracefully can be the way forward! This means one is grateful for the wind as it affirms inner strength.

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

The transplanted Palms!

Some palm trees in the lawn in front of the entrance to the MOSC hospital, Kolenchery have been transplanted to  the lawn outside the college building. It was needed as the lawn outside the hospital would have an atrium connecting the three buildings in the vicinity!

Three cheers to those who planned to save these palm trees.

They look fresh and hopefully thriving at the end one the first week!

A good example of preserving trees!

M.C.Mahew(text and photo)

The Cloud formation in the afternoon

What I was surprised to see was the cloud play spread over twenty minutes which led to a good drizzle in a hot and humid afternoon yesterday. Following the drizzle the sky turned to its brilliant natural appearance. 

Who else was watching this from behind me- Dulcie!

The cloud, the cloud burst, rain and the blue sky with brilliant clouds, all in a short time. 

I reflect over the events in the work place over the last year. Relationships have gone through a dark phase and the clouds hang over us. 

I feel disturbed by it as there is no sign as yet of the cleansing and refreshing rain!

I learned something from Dulcie yesterday amidst this changing scene in nature. She remained quiet and patent!

When relationships are trapped by opinions and impressions, the darkness might appear to deepen. Even then, one shall still wait for the season of openness to arrive, for which one waits in readiness and  anticipation!

It is not the conversations which clear the clouds in relationships but an inner acceptance and message of regards and appreciation. There is depth in silence in such times and defence when pushed to converse in the hope of reconciling a situation!

So I shall wait!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)