Anna and I completed our 47 years in our married life last week! On the morning of the anniversary day, I found this bunch of four rose flowers in our garden and offered it to Anna. That bunch stays in the flower vase in our central table since then, looking fresh and fragrant. The flowers had dew drops on them. It was a reminder of the different seasons that we have gone through, summer heat of the day and cold winter of the nights.
We pondered over the ambience that we experienced between ourselves over these years.
1. Celebration times
For a week now, both of us had symptoms suspicious of COVID. Even in such a situation Anna remembered to light a candle at meal times and place it on our dining table. That candle symbolised the spirit that stays with us. Amidst different experiences, we have grown in gratefulness for what we have been given in each other. Each year in the last forty seven years has symbolised a journey of discovery of meaning and depth by discovering each other and growing from the experiences we shared together. Growing in gratefulness gives us thankful hearts and creates an appreciative language of communication towards each other. Knowing each other drew us to long for more intimacy, trust and belonging!
2. Communicating times
The habit of having set apart times to listen to each other has been central to our relationship. Listening is more than conversation; listening is to receive the gift of love, thoughts, and experiences through self disclosure! The more we know each other in marriage relationship, the more we are drawn to find in each other companionship and togetherness. We have been used to having a prayer time in the morning and reading to each other in the evening. There are times when we listen together to news, bulletins or telecasts. In the recent months I was able to join with Anna at least on the week-ends when she attends the morning service telecast from the Canterbury cathedral. The gift of presence we can offer to each other during such times brings refreshment and nearness in unusual ways which are like the bricks we use to build. Each time we add a brick in being together we experience the freshness that upholds us and make us feel drawn towards each other.
3. Conversation times
In a home, there are multiple events and happenings for which both of us need to set apart time to explore different shades of opinion before we can decide to act upon. Such conversation times would take us to find an agreeable path forward. The different views which would emerge during the discussion times would need considered attention. The habit of patiently considering matters from a board canvas of possibilities is what most married people learn to discover from each other through conversation times. It is here we learn over a period of time to move from a rigid thought position to a flexile position. Most of us develop our style of thinking, likes, dislikes and attitudes from the lessons learned in life. It is this diversity which can become a strength in marital relationship. Both do not think alike or give concurrence to each other's thoughts to please one another. Two days back when our refrigerator stopped working, the question we were faced with was to whether we get it repaired or look for a new one. We discussed between ourselves and felt disinclined to spend to buy a new one. Further enquiries and discussion helped us to make up our mind. The art of conversation is to move away from our biases or preferences to finding what is appropriate and right in a given situation.
4. Confessing times
In every marital relationship both husband and wife would have many confessions to make to each other. We can hurt each other knowingly and unknowingly. We might not be sensitive enough to know how much we might be hurting the other person. The conversations and discoveries we make ought to alert us to sense this. The only way forward is to confess, apologise and resolve by owning up an act of commission or omission. It is only by a conscious effort we overcome our bias and preferred ways that hurt the other person or our tendency to justify and rationalise an error of judgement rather than accept it and confess! During the morning when I brew coffee in the morning, I go through a clean spree during which I misplace articles from where Anna had kept. It took a while for me to understand how such a thoughtless act would make Anna search for the article when she needed it. I rationalised what I did. It took a while for me to be more mindful of respecting the way that Anna was used to keeping the kitchen! To be able to say 'sorry' is a gift we can offer to each other.
5. Conciliatory times
There have been times when Anna and I felt disturbed because we could not find a conciliating approach towards some difficult experiences. The difficult experiences are occasions when we would have acted in haste, not waiting for the other person to participate in the decision making! Most of us have an impulsive trait within us when we speak out of turn or attempt to impose a decision on the other person. They generate conflict or suspicion or distance each other emotionally. Th earlier we recognise, the better would be the outcome. Anna often said that 'we win together or lose together'. The difficult times sometimes can restrain each other from being honest for fear of escalating the stress in communication. However there is no substitute to being honest even at such times. To be able to identify the genesis of misunderstanding and walk the path of restoring trust in each other is the way towards conciliation and celebration.
6. Caring times
Marriage relationships has a tenderness factor which is special and life giving to marriage. Each person develops his or her way of expressing that tenderness towards the other person to make marriage relationship personal and intimate. The caring times are not just rituals but communicating times of thoughtfulness towards each other. The act of Jesus of Nazareth washing the feet of His followers after the last supper is an outstanding example of such an expression of mindfulness and kindness. Anna and I have our ways of expressing our regards to each other. When acts of tenderness is expressed regularly, we build yet an other dimension of affirmation and acceptance in marital relationship. There are more endearing acts of kindness one can find to do towards each other in marriage, apart from sharing meal times and bed! The culture of marriage is caring and yet that is what needs regular attention.
7. Creative times
Anna and developed an interest in gardening and that brought a new perspective to us about environment. Anna is used to knitting in which she has advanced skills. I have had some interest in nature photography for a while now. I am used to commenting on daily experiences by writing a photoblog for the last eight years. It is a god practice to encourage each other to develop and enhance a few creative interests so that ambience of marriage has a colourful dimension. To be creative would mean that each person is growing in marriage because each person is facilitating the other to grow in stature and skill to realise the personal potential. Anna and I and are not the same as we were forty seven years ago when we got married. We have grown personally and professionally. We ares till exploring the depth in our lives and helping each other to move in to wider horizons in our thinking and responses. We find that that we share some common interests and pursue them together. Reading to each other is one of them. We have individual interests that we explore and find in each other the encouragement we need to pursue them.
I have summarised some of the bonding process that goes between us in our married life!
The picture below of the lilies in our garden is a symbol of the fullness of life we long for in our married life. We live and relate to each other knowing that it is 'in God we live, move and have our being'!
Anna and I feel grateful that there is more to explore while growing in intimacy in marriage!
M.C.Mathew(text and photo)
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