Alone, Lonely and Solitude

One of my interests while tracking birds in the garden where Anna and I live, is to look for birds who are alone in different places in the garden. 

These five birds above, were all by themselves in different places in our garden. Al these photos were taken, at day break when light conditions were not appropriate. 

I kept waiting at these sites as what might be the next move of the birds. All of them did not stay in the site beyond five minutes.

When a bird is with its pair or are in a group they stay longer in one site. They hang around and explore the environment. 

I received a telephone call from a person, who was finding the experiences in his new work place difficult and different from expected. He said, 'I feel lonely even when I am with other people in the office'!

Some people choose aloneness and some others end up being lonely. They are two different experiences. 

Aloneness is an experience when a person chooses privacy for various reasons. I know of people, who are in transition in their personal life,  withdraw from intense socialisation and take time to process the events in one's life. Some would find the environment intimidating or inconsistent with his or her inner orientation that he or she is more comfortable with being alone. Such people once hey find like minded people would feel comfortable to be more sociable. There are some for reason of reflection or introspection who would take a lonely path to find space to travel inward. I know of people who choose aloneness for spending time in meditation and inner encounter experiences to revise life. 

There are others who for various reasons become lonely. His or her longing its to be relational, but for some reason that does not happen. May be a person is uncomfortable due to a personal upheaval.  He or she ends up being lonely, as others around do not take any efforts to reach out, due to the weak asocial signals that person sends out. Another common reason for loneliness is on account of discord arising out of broken relationship or a conflict. A depressogenic orientation, can push a person to a pathologic state loneliness which needs attention. A person having lived well adjusted can suddenly withdraw and experience loneliness. Such situations can lead people to other behavioural maladaptations.

Being alone by choice is a healthy experience if it is associated with a creative purpose. 

To feel lonely is an undesirable state, which I hope we can discern and respond to. 

I do come across teenagers, just retired people, senior citizens and people experiencing marital stress talking about loneliness. The teenage loneliness as much as possible ought to be addressed as an emergency state, lest it leads to other behavioural consequences. 

A personal rhythm of physical exercises, playing, conversations, reading, pursing hobbies and taking time to engage in personal developmental activities are some of  the ways, most people who are vulnerable to stressful situations engage themselves to feel well. A proactive approach to feel insulated from a lonely feeling is essential for those who retired for active work. It is when we can think about others, feel for them or be involved in being a support to others, we would feel connected with our lives with others. 

Most single birds might remain alone for a season, but not lonely as they regularly visit places, where they come across  other birds.  

A husband and wife run a multipurpose shop in my village. When I went to the shop yesterday for some purchase, the man told me that his wife could not come to the shop for three weeks. He felt alone and his wife also felt similarly while being at home. He said, 'when we are alone, we feel even more for each other'! What a statement of truth! The bliss of presence and the blessing of absence!

Re Dr Henry Nouwen in the book, Seeds of hope, introduced a journey we can make from loneliness to solitude (p12-13 ). 'Instead of running away from our loneliness and trying to forget or deny it, we have to protect it and turn it into a fruitful solitude'.

Aloneness, loneliness and solitude might have one thing in common- each of these experiences can lead us to an 'experience of' solitude which begins with time and place for God and God alone' !

I sometimes wonder, whether the birds in our garden got it right to be alone but not lonely, better than me!

A single bird, but singing for others!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)