Three movements!

I spent time with few leaders at my work place recently, when they audited my work and concluded that I delayed in taking corrective actions and prolonged in giving concessions without being decisive in my response at a time when so much was at stake. It was a disturbing and painful auditing process that I went thorough. 

Having been an ardent believer in people building and upbuilding, I waited for too long and lived with hope. I did not gauge the signals of indifference and use them to revise the approach. The last three years where the departure from good practices afflicted the work place atmosphere, I felt that I was slow to discern and restore the work atmosphere. I was made to feel that I allowed a crisis to emerge. 

When I returned home after the exercise, I felt low and helpless. Anna made me feel comfortable reminding of several genuine initiatives and efforts I made. That was a consolation.

I watched this Barbet in our garden. It was perched in a vertically growing branch. 

Its first movement was to look back. 

The second movement was to look up.

The third movement was to look beyond!

Watching this cluster of movements was a discovery of comfort.

Yes, I failed in bringing an outcome numerically at work place where the number of children visiting the work place for receiving service has remained stationary for three years now.  

I failed in taking corrective steps in directing the professionals out of their preferred ways.

My efforts were not enough to yield financial independence for the department. 

The second movement of the Barbet was to look upward. The Psalmist also 'looked upto the hills from where his help would come'. I stay in that sorrowful attitude looking up for strength and for renewal of enthusiasm.

The third movement of the Barbet was to look forward. 

It is this I could not do enough in the recent months. I stayed disturbed regretting over my lack of discernment of a situation which was slipping out of control. I have had to overcome the desire to quit as my credibility under suspect.

A family who came form Madurai for consultation yesterday brought some cheer. At the end of 20 minutes of clinical examination of their son, I shared the neurological findings that I was able to pick up. While sharing the causal pathway of their son's current difficulties, the father mentioned that this was a satisfying experience to make connections about the different needs of their son. One remark uplifted me, 'we came to the right place to find our direction'. 

I have been at a low level of satisfaction at work place for several months due to intense difficulties imposed upon me from people whom I trusted and depended upon. 

The Barbet intently looking forward in the third photo comes to me as an invitation! No situation is hopeless to give up!

The family from Madurai left a reminder for me: 'This was the fifth place of their visit for finding a way forward for their son. Now they feel that they are in the right place'!

What pained me was a question that I was asked by the administrators: 'If your work is good, will not more people come looking for you'! 

I felt judged and admonished by that question!

This came upon me as a burden. I work in a place where my clinical competency is under suspect!

I am ready to leave and move on. I have only few months before my contract ends!

In the midst of this turmoil, I shall 'keep looking up' because there is more to life than this cross road at work place!

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)