All my efforts to get the body of this bird in an even exposure to light, failed as the bird was perched opposite to the rising sun rays. With a handheld camera, no further adjustment to the exposure was possible. Ideally a fill in flash or a tripod supported camera was needed to capture the bird and the details of its exquisite look.
For me most photographs are a lead for reflection and pondering!
I watched this bird a few days back, when I was in the midst of an intensely difficult experience in my work place, as written protocols began to be formulated for the re-organization of the department, consistent with the requirements stipulated by the NABH norms as the institution is in an advanced stage of preparing for inspection for NABH accreditation.
During this process some departures from designated practices came to light. When corrective steps were required, there was resistance and reaction.
I became aware as I turned back to reflect on the last three years, since cordiality within the department was on a steep decline, that there was a growing reactive spirit towards norms and practices for the sake of convenience or other considerations.
It is the light that brings brightness and makes the darkness evident.
I kept steadfastly sought to bring light into the work place through academic and research pursuit. It was here I found resistance. Even after three research proposals got started, they could not be completed. Where as, the medical students completed at least two research projects every year in the department. The fortnightly clinical meeting that was started could not be sustained. The clinical discussions remained superficial while there was so much depth to pursue and integrate new knowledge in to practice.
While this was going on, I was struggling with the dwindling number of children seeking for consultation for the last three years. This placed me in a most embarrassing position with administration, who even doubted my ability or competency to attract children and families.
When I was confronted by that disturbing opinion, I realised that I was not in touch with some aspects of the running of the work place.
Having felt awful about the declining number seeking medical consultation, I kept wondering over the cause. I looked back at the feed back forms of parents after medical consultation for the last three years. The consultation service was highly rated by 92 percent and the rest as above average with only 0.7 percent referring to it as not satisfactory. But 67 percent or so indicated that it was difficult to get appointment. It involved waiting for several weeks even upto there months.
It was this alerted me about a lapse on my part. I was welcoming children only on four days a week and the number was restricted to eight or so on each day. I decided to de-freeze this and allowed upto twelve to fifteen children to be welcomed each day and OP services were offered on six days of the week. The booking for medical consultation was transferred to the hospital booking counter from our office, which normally looks after the appointments for out-patient service for all the departments.
I began enquiring with parents about their experiences with getting appointments for consultation. Some of them had disturbing experiences while seeking appointments. They told me that getting an appointment was difficult and was an unfriendly service.
Since the change took place to seek appointment from the hospital booking counters, it is possible for a person to get an appointment on the same day or a day after.
This dramatic change from waiting for six to eight weeks to getting an appointment on the same day or the next day surprised the administration. A thirty percent increase in out-patient numbers has surprised me too.
I feel rebuked in my spirit in not recognising this lapse and delaying the corrective action. In fact, I owe an explanation for not having been diligent in my responsibility and blindly trusting the system that I had created eight years ago.
An instance of the light bringing brightness to perception!
As I go through an intensely disturbing period of facing resistance, criticism, and loose talks about 'my ways as that of an old man', I have struggled to stay afloat emotionally in the last six weeks.
It is difficult to face one's own darkness in life. And yet that is the only way, one can redeem the situation.
I noticed a coconut palm in a withering stage, which had yielded coconuts earlier. I spotted multiple holes which Beatles made on the stem leading to the drying of the shoots and palm leaves. In this photo below, there were at least six holes I could count. The Beatles would have been at it for a while. Although the coconut palm is in the vicinity of our cottage, it escaped our attention for a while. Now the tree cannot be redeemed.
That is the terrible feeling I carry with me now. How could I allow this drift in my work place and kept hoping that things would fall in place! Now I am left with a situation of having to face the consequences, and own up my lapse and make earnest efforts to restore the situation. There were a few occasions when I brought up some matters for the attention of others in the work place. But they too did not pay enough attention.
This is one experience of discovering one's own darkness, even when the light is shining brightly. This darkness or blind spot which blinded my sight and insight have stayed on within me for two years or so. I overlooked hints and suspicions and carried on because I was an advocate for trusting others in attitude and practice at work place.
I felt overwhelmed by guilt and sorrow in the last three weeks. It is a first instance in my clinical work of forty years where I delayed for far too long to deal with the darkness within me of perception and discernment.
As these thoughts of sorrow and regret lingered on in my mind during my morning bird spotting walk in our garden, I noticed this Sunbird going through its grooming work. I have often noticed almost every day Sunbirds, Magpie Robins and Red whiskered Bulbuls on this dry twig engaged in grooming at sunrise.
My attention turned to grooming. It is one way the birds keep their body flight and movement ready. All birds are dependent on movements with their body. So they have this ritual by habit and out of necessity.
I have often talked about work output audit but when it was necessary I failed to conduct it regularly. I believe in personal appraisals of responsibilities at work. I failed in making it a practice at my work place. I failed in my responsibility of making the work place active and work ready.
It has been a difficult season in more than one way.
One difficulty that I live with is strained relationships at work place. There is heaviness and anger, most of which is focussed on to me.
As I was walking back to the cottage, I noticed the guava tree in its blossom. As I observed the blossom I noticed the radial look the flower creates. There was a look of completeness in it.
This inward journey to encounter brightness and darkness was a timely event in my life. The sunshine of God is upon on all of us. And what is this sunshine!
An incident at Christian Fellowship Hospital, Oddanchatram came back to my mind, which late Dr A.K.Tharien narrated to me in some detail. A laboratory technician was irresponsible and continued his erratic ways inspite of efforts to help him change his behaviour. The hospital decided to say farewell to him, but Dr Tharien decided to stay in touch with him. He found him a job in another hospital and requested a friend to accompany him as a counselling companion. That did work and he was able to excel in work. He found a job overseas. He happened to visit Dr Tharien when I was visiting Dr Tharien. I observed him to be a young and accomplished person. He came across to me as one who was charming and gracious. He mentioned his immense gratitude to Dr Tharien for the attention he offered to restore him from a perilous path.
This is the sunshine of God in our lives. God helps us to be kind even when we have to take some corrective actions in our work place.
The last six months have been intensely difficult for me at work place. I am not sure if there is more to this ahead!
I am left with a sense of heavy loss and deep regrets; but I turn to the sunshine of God to reveal darkness within me! Life is a journey in to light, because Jesus said, 'I am the light of the world'!
Jesus said, 'Come to me all those who are heavy laden.. I will give you rest'.
Any turbulence at work place is one of the most difficult experiences to endure and overcome. In my case, I have had some limitations which compounded my difficulties. It was the first work life experience for me in Kerala. My work place has been a place where there was a regular turn over of professionals. The professionals being ladies, would get married in a year or two and would leave for other places. This meant that the work culture could not mature to make it as an anchor for the professionals to be rooted in good traditions and practices.
It is a time for another beginning! Do I look forward to it! I have mixed feelings.
M.C.Mathew(text and photo)
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