Fallen but carried!

 

This bunch flowers of Butea Monosperma stands out on a tall tree at the corner of the canteen  at the college where I work now. I feel drawn toward these flowers as this was one flower the botany teachers used to teach us morphology of flowers, when I studied Botany for my pre-professional course in 1966.

The professor of Botany was a fascinating teacher who would come to the class with a bagful of flowers and give each of us a flower and allow us to explore it to study the different parts of the flower. He would then invite us to draw what we found in our practical record book. It was an interesting introduction to observation, three dimensional appreciation of an object and converting the image in the mind to a picture in transverse and cross sectional views. I was less than average in my drawing skills, but that did not matter at all. He did not bother to evaluate us based on our drawing skills but on our observational skills. He would allow us to use a hand lens to look at the different parts of the flower to appreciate it details. 

Every morning when I drive in to the hospital campus where I work, from a  distance I can see these flowers and my thoughts return to Professor Gurudev who gave me an introduction to look for what is behind the obvious. He would leave his albums of plants and flowers in the class for us to appreciate the richness of the greenery. I wonder whether my interest in photography was planted in me form then onwards! 

What surprised me a few days back was the sight of a flower from this tree resting on this bush, which had an arched branch. The flower had travelled half way to the ground from the tree top, but rested on the branch of another tree in its descent. The wind and the swaying of the branch did not displace the flower for the ten minutes I waited to see this strange phenomenon. 

As I parked the car and walked towards my work place, this fallen flower stayed in my mind. I was so moved that I sought for a quiet place to sit for a while to listen to the movements within me. I have been like this fallen flower for a while now, as professionals and leadership of the hospital thought that my habit of taking time for consultation reduced the number of children who could be seen each day. But they forgot about my offer and readiness to stay longer hours in the evening to welcome families to reduce the waiting time to get an appointment within a week. But the office that was responsible to book appointment gave a message that, it takes even two months to get an appointment. 

I was made to feel even more miserable when a comment was made that patients would normally flock to meet a good doctor. 

While there were many factors responsible for the status quo in the number of children visiting the department where I work, the main reason was attributed to my style of work and consultation. I remember Professor Joyce Ponniha, the director of CMC Vellore when I joined CMC to start the Developmental  Paediatrics unit at CMC in 1997 telling me not to exceed the consultation past midnight. This was because the out patient service in the previous few days ended only at 2am. 

Now, I am faced with a question whether I work enough! 

This fallen flower was my story. When I returned home in the evening after work, the single flower above, was still seen resting at the arch of a branch!

I fell out of grace with the leadership and most of the professionals in the department.

I pondered over this. I called about twenty parents to remind them that we started welcoming children in the department after having stopped physical consultation eight months ago. Five parents mentioned that they got to know about it and were preparing to come. Amidst the discouragement of about three weeks and unsettling feed back remarks, it was encouraging to know that some parents still value what we are able to offer. 

Although I feel like the fallen flower, I have reasons to be hopeful because the flower was protected from landing in the ground instantly in its descending course.  

When I looked around I noticed a precariously perched Bulbul in a vertically hanging dry branch in the same tree. This  brought some inspiration to my soul. I might have fallen out of acceptability with some, but I can continue working in spite of my vulnerability to criticism and suspicion about my abilities. I feel that I have to stay working diligently even when made to feel weak and not so able. 

When I turned to walk away what I noticed was a Magpie Robin looking at me intently. I stopped to receive that welcoming and beholding look.  I felt that it was speaking to me with its still body and engaging look. By then I was tearful and a joyful spirit was defending on my soul. The next three minutes or so till it flew away with the arrival of a crow, turned out to be a praying time within me. I felt visited because I was reminded of a bird who brought bread to Isiah when there was drought and famine. He stayed beside a brook to drink water and live. I felt, 'Who am I to have received such a favour'! Yet it was true that it happened on a morning, when I was going to work depleted of cheer and hope.

Does giving hurt a  giver!

In my case although I feel hurt, the signs of hope and peace that I received in different ways in the recent weeks tell me that it is in 'giving one receives'. 

What is the equation between giving and receiving! 

When we can give thinking of others, the motive is aligned to the way how Jesus of Nazareth lived. In giving, there is joy only when, giving is without an expectation in return. 

I have fallen but feel carried. That is good enough to look forward to the journey ahead! This was a message that Prof Jacob John once tole me about post-retirement work. It is one season in life when others are less likely to be reasonable to a retired person as a retired person when reemployed is 'often accommodated' and not fully valued. He said, 'Do something different than continue in the same work or in the same place'! I wish I had given heed to it!

When I returned home that evening, what I saw in the garden was Lillies open and swaying in the wind! With Anna's diligent effort, these flowers looked brilliant and vibrant.

Another visitation!

When one is in a valley of discouragement, there will be signs of hope to live and move on!

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)