I have grown up in the last thirty seven years, in developmental paediatrics hearing many conversations about ''eye contact'! Children who do not demonstrate eye contact will be usually screened for behavioural disorder. I have in the recent years replaced using the phrase eye contact with 'Looking'. I enquire from parents and professionals about the looking habit of a child.
For me eye contact is a superficial in its content and is only a reference to a physiological function.
Where as in a look, there is a message of welcome, emotional expression of regard (the birds in the photo above show a body response while looking at each other), communicative intent, sharing the language of affection, etc.
Looking is to behold. Looking is to understand. Looking is to receive and give. Looking is to take in to create a personal story. Looking is for building relationship. Looking is to get ready to speak...there are more than these meanings in a look.
Most of us form impressions about others from the look we receive from them! While driving, if the overtaking person were to turn back and look at me, I know that he was irritated with me for taking time for giving him the right of way.
In the recent months, I have had to be on Zoom plat forms for On-line consultations and attending meetings. I have through these experiences, begun to give more importance to how I look at others and allow them to look at me.
I have recently heard comments like, 'You look well or you look tired or you look sad'. In these situations, the observer is making a comment about my inner orientation as my face reflects what is in the interior. Often the observation was right.
It is this which made me ponder over this further more!
Is there a message of thoughtfulness, concern, appreciation, welcome, or compassion in my look!
I have gone over some conversations with people I meet normally every day. I pondered over how and what I convey through my look!
I realised that I might sometimes convey reservation or hesitation or caution or avoidance in my look.
I remembered an advice which Prof C.U.Velmurugendran gave me when I was leaving the Institute of Neurology, Chennai to go to CMC Vellore in 1997: 'Remember to greet every person without being influenced by any past experience or memory but on the merit of each occasion, making it as a new and fresh start'.
I carry this as a treasure within me although I have still a long way to go to practice it well. I was waiting to meet a cardiologist a year back. The former cardiologist who looked after me earlier, passed by at that time. He could glance at me only for a fleeting moment. I walked towards him and greeted him. It was not an easy meeting.
A look is a gift we offer to others. Let that be a gift full of regards and good thoughts.
How are we to be towards those, with whom we have disagreements! It is the thoughts or ideas or attitudes which we cannot agree with. But a person is larger than his or her thoughts. We can still disagree with a person, but regarding that person with a look of acceptance is both a courtesy and honour we owe to others, even when relationships are strained.
A look is a message. Let that be a message of honour and regard!
In the narration of the meeting between Jesus of Nazareth and Zaccheus given in Luke:19.1-10, we read that Jesus 'looked up' and said to Zaccheus, 'hurry and come down for today, I must stay at your house'(v.5). All that happened leading Zaccheus to confess, 'Behold, Lord half of my possessions I will give to the poor and if I have defrauded anyone anything I will give back four times as m much'(v.8) was the consequences of that look which was filled with mindfulness, acceptance, compassion and affection. Zaccheus climbed a tree to see Jesus as the crowd gathered to meet Jesus did not give him an opportunity to meet with Jesus. Jesus looked out for a person who suffered from rejection, loneliness and dichotomous living.
A look is to lead a person into the road to conciliation and restoration.
I am at the bottom of this standard that I long for myself.
However, the picture of the birds in the photo above, beckons me to work on making my look warm and affirming towards others!
M.C.Mathew(text and photo)
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