Lifie for blossoming!

After summer and the recent good monsoon rainy season, most plants in our garden have an ornamental look with buds and flowers!

I offer these flowers to the two sisters of a religious order now in prison for five days in Durg, accused of attempting to forcibly convert three women! From the news that is trickling in, the truth is far from it. They were accompanying three women to take them to their work place, where they were offered  employment !

I believe that truth would prevail although sisters who have health constraints suffer while in prison!

I wish the honourable court of law would view their petition for bail in a just manner!

Till then the buds and flowers stay reminding me that life shall blossom even amidst suffering and stress!

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)

Companions in life!

 

It was Daphne's look of intent and interest that drew me to look and discover the butterflies and the fruit and flower in a corner in our garden. I got used to observing the behaviour of Daphne during the morning walk and find myself surprised by the alertness of a Beagle! Although she is thirteen years old and has a lymphoproliferative condition with lumps in her body for which she needed surgery, her alertness and interest in the environment have remained intact. 

She is as before smells and senses sharply! We hide biscuits in different corners and sure enough she would find them. 

I felt yesterday at the end of the walk with her, that a dog is a pet but also is a companion. Every time I stop to take phots during the walk, she would pause till I am ready to resume the walk! 

I happened to read a letter sent to me in 1986 from a friend enquiring about us and the child development work we were engaged with at Chennai. This friend remained in contact and visited us a few times. We still have contacts with him although he has some health related constraints. 

Life is a story of formation where companions and fellow travellers brought insights and lighted the path in the journey of life. 

Dr P. Zachariah, retired professor of Physiology at CMC Vellore whose wise counsel and searching questions helped us in interpreting situations while we worked at CMC, recently celebrated his ninety-fifth birthday. During every visit he left a question to ponder upon, which lead us to clarifying difficult situations. 

Anna gathered all the files of letters we received from 1983. While reading through them, I felt moved that so many people supported us and carried us in their thoughts which made us feel accompanied! 

We feel grateful and touched while recollecting the gifts of love and care we received thus far from a wide circle of friends !

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

The morning sights!

What a delight it is to see the flowers in our garden, moistened in the mist of the night!

It is now dry for 24 hours after two weeks of heavy rain fall, which dulled the appearance of the flowers!

At dawn today, the flowers carried the misty coat on the petals appearing like a cover of protection and the fragrance returing!

With Cambodia and Vietnam agreeing for cease-fire mediated by Malaysia, the morning brings cheer and trustful anticipation of a new wave of peace in the air!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Knowing your child - 22

The above feeding process of a fledgling by both Bulbul parents in our feeding station in the garden fascinated me. 

The sequence started with the fledging making just audible bird calls and one of the parents arriving form the tree to the feeding table. Soon the other parent also arrived to participate in the feeding process. 

The fledgling turned to both parents perched on each side to receive a mouthful of feed !

The last photo was at the endow the feeding just before they left the feeding table!

I now guess that Bulbuls practice co-parenting. I noticed such a practice a few times since we had this feeding station in  our garden for five years now. 

What a reinforcing message a bird family conveys at a time when human parenting is conditioned by changes in life style in the urbanised societies. 

The time of feeding is an endearing time! Every time time a baby feeds on the mother's breast, the baby's eyes are fixed on mother's face which in turn creates an emotional nearness in the mother which is what is responsible for the 'let down reflux' that allows milk to flow in to a baby's mouth! Although the suckling initiates the milk flow, it is the let down reflux which sustains the flow of milk, even when the baby is weak in suckling!

It is such an endearing time, which gets displaced during the weaning season, when other food items are introduced to the baby. If it is a stranger who feeds the baby during that transition time, then the emotional link hitherto established gets estranged! All the more reason for one of the parents to be actively involved in the weaning phase of an infant's transition!

The relational dimension in human parenting is sometimes given less importance amidst the demands that come upon parents due to their domestic and professional engagements. 

I have come across situations when the infants behave stressfully! We trivialise it as tantrum. Dr Benjamin Spock who popularised the approach not to give into the 'crying spells' of an infant or a toddler as they are like to be 'tantrums'. He believed too much in that thought without feeling the trigger of loss an infant or toddler feels emotionally when left alone unattended! 

An attentive presence and discerning nearness of parents would be more advantageous to an infant or a toddler!

The Bulbuls family while feeding its fledgling communicates such a protective and affirmative parenting action!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

The planned transition !

 

About three weeks ago the parent Barbets were getting the two fledglings to feed by themselves. Most of the feeding was by the Fledgling taking food from the parent's mouth. 

During the three weeks the two fledglings emerged as juvenile birds, flight ready and independently feeding. 

The last photo is a picture of celebration for me, as I watched the events in the feeding station almost every day, when the parent Barbets planned for the transition of the fledglings. 

The only thing the parent Barbet did in the first of the three pictures above was to show the way to peel the banana skin and start the feeding process. The four of them were in a jubilant spirit during this process! An effective parenting mission! 

Someone sent me a greeting last week saying, 'dear bird doctor...'! I confess that since 12 years Anna and I started to live in our cottage, what has been a daily event is to have the birds visit us in the morning.

The Bulbuls would call till they spot us to receive their greeting. 

I have this feeling, that birds have been protected from the technological world, where human parents got entangled with, by using the computer and mobile phone as part of parenting of their children.   

The avian style is to accompany the nestling, fledgling and a juvenile bird till they can be left on their own !

This form of accompaniment is to foster autonomy and build life skills to live independently!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Expressing autonomy!

Dulcie is reluctant for her walk when the ground is wet. With the courtyard wet following the day long rain, I thought she might like to stretch herself as usual with her short run and chase game. But she refused to move in spite of cajoling. Usually when she hears, 'biscuit' she becomes alert and is ready to move! But that did not entice her yesterday!

I stood in her way from getting into the house. The three scenes above are her ways of protesting. That was passive resistance. She refused to come in. I gave in and let her go inside the house !

It was the Quakers about a century ago who gave birth to the idea of passive resistance. The best expression was during the massive witch hunt the Nazi regimen pursued after the Jews in many European nations. The passive resistance included protecting the Jews in hidden places and severing any information leak to the Nazi regimen. 

What was even more significant was cultivating the spirit of passive resistance through the exercise of silence and meditation they practiced in small groups. The strength to resist was found during such times of directing their thoughts and needs towards God under whose guidance they extended this approach to about fifteen European countries during the Second World War. 

The prayer meetings which Mahatma Gandhi held in the mornings and evenings during the independence struggle in India was another illustration of upbuilding people to abhor violence and embrace peaceful resistance. It was this model that Martin Luther the Junior advocated in the USA during the cicil rights movement and Nelson Mandela and  Bishop Desmond Tutu exercised during the struggle for political freedom in South Africa. 

I was reminded of these stories of historical turning points in the history of nations, when Dulcie with a resolve practiced passive resistance!

Did I loose! 

Did she gain!

To me, it was an occasion to respect the autonomy of a dog and regard mindfully the aspiration of a pet, who normally complies easily.  

The ground of our being is this mutual regard !

How important it is to relate to others with utmost regard and respect !

I realised that passive resistance is not a protest, but an expression of autonomy!

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)

The becoming process !

 

The soil is the bed and home for all plants. 

As I watched the above rose buds I happened to notice the vigour and vitality that the buds demonstrate even during a wet spell of about two weeks with no sunshine during most of the day.  The rose bushes look purposeful to continue unhindered. They are rooted in the soil. 

A visit of a grandfather with his grandson, yesterday gave me an impression of how the grandson pleasantly and gratefully recollects events at home, with grandparents and the family of his cousin. His effusive and communicative attitude gave me an impression of the comfort and confidence the pre-teen age boy carries with him. He seemed to look forward to the extended family gatherings twice a year and the celebrations associated with it. He spoke of school and his advanced learning exercise of Mathematics in a delightful way. He even opined on matters that relate to life in general in the neighbourhood that he is part of. 

The family is the soil for life on earth! It was this which came to me as a message after their visit!

I felt that the orientation of the adults ought to be towards their children, When that is the pattern the children are drawn towards the family and the values that define the family life. 

I read about 'lost childhood' in articles and news papers!

I have felt that one generational change I notice is on account of the 'lost parenting practices' !

When many parents turn to occupy children with the TV and mobile phone, it is likely that about three to four hours of pre-school children are spent viewing the machine based entertainments. The machine is the third parent in many homes. 

The average age when a child has a personal mobile phone is eight years according to a newspaper report based on an Indian city. The in between times when child does not have formal engagements in the school or at home, the traction is towards the mobile phone! Children grow up watching entertainment which trivialises social values, moral foundations, family ties and ethical pursuit !

If the home and family life is the soil for children to find their rootedness, then we need a resetting of family life which gives pre-eminent attention to children because they pass through their formative years of early childhood only once!

The three rose bushes were rooted in the soil and they flourish with buds, because they live nurtured!

Parents enable children to grow up formatively; children enable parents to feel valued to continue in the nurturing path!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Knowing your child- 21

The above three juvenile birds have often been in our garden, accompanied by one of the parent birds initially. 

Now I find these birds in similar places where they were found together with one of the parent birds, even after about six weeks since the earlier visits. 

They got used to the routines,  rituals and rhythm that they were introduced to!

I have observed the effects of routines, rituals and rhythm in some homes. Let me comment about the meal time practices. 

In one home an infant is fed by a parent or a domestic helper by seating the infant before the TV screen with cartoon playing. 

In another home, the infant is fed by a parent or a helper by following the infant all over the house. The infant is in pursuit of his wandering, opening the mouth to receive the food as and when he or she feels like. 

In one other home, the infant gets force fed which becomes a struggle for the parent and the infant, making the feeding time a stressful time. 

I noticed in other instance, when the mother sits face to face with the infant on a chair and feed while singing to the infant or telling about what is in the orbit of the child visually. 

There is a yet another feeding practice I notice where the infant is seated at the dining table in a high chair during the meal times  and infant is served a small helping on a plate with a spoon. The family has conversations in which the infant can participate by paying attention as it is about the dog or cat at home or the food itself or about the next game that the infant would be offered to play. The infant spills the food, uses both hands to feed and smears food on the face and clothes and the chair. None of these is matter of concern for parents. The meal time is made pleasant by one of the parents even singing or everyone going into an action song or a nursery rhyme that the infant is familiar with. One of the parents offered water in between to the infant. 

Having observed these five routines practiced at meal times while feeding infants or toddlers, I realise that there can be a variety of practices that parents follow with regard to introducing  rituals, routines and rhythm to infants and toddlers! 

The effect of  healthy infant friendly practice at meal time resulted in a toddler sitting with the family at the dining table feeding himself, although he took longer time than others. One of the siblings or parents waited for the toddler to finish ratter than feed him. 

I get more and more clear about child development practices as I take time to revise the experiences of the forty years of having been engaged with parents and children in my clinical work. 

A pre-school child behaves in the way that he or she has been introduced to rituals, routines and rhythm at home!

A ritual for a pre-school child is the way an experience has been introduced to the child to find pleasure in and feel comfortable to pursue that pattern.

A routine is a set of practices that an infant or a toddler needs to learn to do on his or her own like brushing the teeth, or using the toilet or playing interactively.  

A rhythm is the way any new activity is introduced to a toddler, making it easy for the child to participate without feeling the force of any sort. A child takes time to develop his or her way of doing sometimes different from what was expected.  Even that is good enough to engage the child further, to negotiate in creating a rhythm that suits the child. 

I felt fascinated by the way the parent birds introduce a ritual, routine and rhythm to the nesting, fledgling and a juvenile bird!

I wish human parenting practices are focussed on the infant, toddler and a pre-school child and his her inclinations rather than based on the convenience and comfort of parents! 

Parenting is all about being child centred, child friendly and child honouring!

In the wisdom literature of Proverbs in the Bible, there is a statement which comes to my mind:' Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old, he will not depart form it' ( Proverbs 22 :6 ).

When I listen to parenting stress with regard to relating to pre-school or middle aged children, I wonder whether gaps in parenting practices would be a factor which needs attention! 

A child is being formed by healthy formatting influences. The home and parenting environment offer the formative expereince !

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Goodness towards all !

The above three photos taken at day break in our garden yesterday, indicated how birds and a spider are active early in the day! The silence at day break filled the garden. But the rhythm of life continues although it was raining most of the night!

 

When the rain ceased for a short while in the morning, the two Magpie Robins came out of their hiding to fend for their morning meal. They were looking for larvae and insects. 

I was reminded of the 'labour' of living! 

With a recent conflict at the Cambodian border, I happened to see some pictures of people fleeing the border towns. I saw people with empty vessels in their hand in Gaza, waiting in long queue for food!

With the President of the USA engaged in insulating himself from his acts of omission and commission, is now turning to arrest a former president on some ground! If the report of the USA moving its nuclear warheads in the ocean is true, it is a frightening indication of simmering unresolved conflicts between nations. The Ukraine might fall to the invading Russians and an independent country would cease to exist! 

In a world of altered value system of usurping others of their opportunity to exist, I found the birds and spider engaged in their labour with no harm or disorder for others. They live engaged in their role !

For long we lived hoping that the devastation during and after the Second World War was a lasting restraint from going to war or plotting to confront to dominate and subdue weaker nations! 

I have a suspicion that the carnal instinct of greed and selfish pursuit have received a civilised acceptance !

The Magpie Robins in our garden were telling me another message! We have enough to live on and others too have plenty for themselves. 

The above scenes in our feeding station yesterday morning affirmed me, that there is enough for everyone and one does not have to grab from others or deny others of what is their due!

The normal order in human relationships is fairness, justice and equality of opportunities! 

What we see around is an aberration which calls for passive resistance against this ugly turn of social and political behaviour!

Life is for living in fullness! 

Let the political leaders of the world think of their obligation to younger generation to leave for them a noble example of goodness towards all!

I dream for this reality to be true for us in India!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Flourishing flowers!

The flowers above in our garden are drenched in the incessant rain!  

They remind me of life on earth in adverse situations! 

The flowers bear some features of being battered in the rain!

I remember those in Ukraine, Gaza, Iran, Thailand, and other places who live in trying circumstances due to war and conflict. There is an uncertainty hanging over the migrants in the USA although they have legal documents to stay. 

Life is an ordeal to people who live in the above situations. But I find their lives as an inspiration because they send a message of endurance and patience! 

A neighbour needed treatment for cancer ten years ago and lived well so far. Now he has early features of cancer in the lung. His comment was, ' I lived well after the previous treatment, and I hope it will be similar this time'! He carries hope beyond the burden of the disease and the difficulties associated with chemotherapy. 

It is to people in such situations with their wellness  challenged, I share these flowers from our garden, which retain lot of their original colour and aroma, even when battered in rain !

Life receives the shelter of God, although we suffer pain!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

 

Knowing your child- 21

This rose flower and three buds thriving in a broken stem caught my attention. The plant endured the broken state of the stem to continue its  growing profile with a flower and three other buds! They look  healthy!

I remembered instances of visits of families for consultation for developmental needs of their pre-school children. 

I happened to review recently the developmental story of a four year old child whom I welcomed in 2022, whose copy of some notes from the clinical record remained with me.  

A child born in another country and studying in a foreign language other than mother tongue or English had considerable difficulties in language and communication/

The above graph of the level of language and communication illustrates that the child had  a delay in different functions of language development impairing the social and interactive communication functions. 

I stayed with this thought wondering how a child was placed in a difficult situation of having to start schooling in a foreign language which was not the spoken language at home or in the social circle of the family. 

During the involvement to help the child to develop primary language skills the focus had to be on developing inner language with emphasis on semantics and pragmatics of language in the mother tongue, which was the primary language of the family! The progress the child made was slow, but nevertheless indicative of how the child was making efforts to overcome the disadvantage of the previous years. The child was used to watching cartoons in yet another foreign language for about five hours during the day.   

The child's language and communication dysfunction was an inadvertent consequence of deprivation of normal language development due to environmental factors. The environment at home and school did not favour the child for the usual developmental progress in language and communication skills!

Some children would be resilient and would be overcomes like the rose plant above, although it suffered a disruption to its normal growth. 

Some children grow up with a gap in their developmental abilities because the environment does not support the normal developmental trajectory!

I make this confession with some regret. While many children with neuro-developmental delay might have an organic contributory factor, many children have unfavourable epigenetic factors contributing to their developmental departure. A pre-school child who might have had some exposure to risk during pregnancy or at child birth or thereafter might overcome them if the environment contributed to overcome the natural risk factors. 

I wonder whether professionals and parents endeavour enough collaboratively to address this issue! What is needed is to take measures from infancy onwards to reduce the impact of the risk factors and make the environment rich with proactive play based interactive engagement from infancy onwards!

This form of augmented parenting and vigilant professional support would be a big step to compensate in some way the adverse initial neuro-developmental insult, that an infant experienced!

I find that an interphase between parents and professionals from infancy is needed, if we want to rescue children from the after effects of the vulnerable environment into which some children are born!

The thriving rose bush in the photo above is an illustration of how children too can be enabled to be resilient by anticipatory and thoughtful supportive measures !

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)