Gifts and Graces

This rose flower was a symbol to Anna and myself, when we arrived in our home, in the  first week of september. The flower had an aged look as if it was waiting for our arrival. It overstayed like this for another week in the garden, to give us a feeling of welcome and comfort.

Now, the day begins for us, with the news paper and milk delivered at our home early in the morning. The domestic workers arrive little later and we leave for our work place soon thereafter, which is about half an hour journey by car. It is a drive through the country side. We have many sights that draw our attention. Children dressed in colourful school uniforms, waiting for their school buses to arrive, is a welcome sight. Children look healthy and delightful.

Our neighbours have helped us to establish contact with an electrician, plumber, painter, and a telephone technician. They drop in to watch and comment on what is happening,  helping us with some suggestions. We felt intruded initially, but now we sense their goodwill behind it. There is a collective approach to issues in the neighbourhood, which gives us a taste of the community sense that is still prevalent in rural Kerala.

At work, we have some surprises each day. We are greeted by smiling faces, although we have not met them before. A senior colleague dropped in to give a doll which he had from his childhood, seeing our efforts to make the department child friendly. The carpenter who helped us initially to fix the peg boards, toy shelves, etc. came visiting yesterday to see us at work. He mentioned that he fixed all the facilities as though he was doing for his grandchildren. He did what he did with a vision and interest. Anna had several suggestions from dog lovers to find  a dog for us.

It is refreshing to come to work as parents and children make us feel good with their encouraging words. One three year old girl who accompanied her brother, asked whether she can come everyday to play. That was a generous complement.

Not that we have had no challenges! Our domestic helper suffered sudden loss of vision yesterday and we are in the midst of finding help for her. There is are constraints beyond our control, which make our transition longer and demanding. I am touched by the efforts of Anna to make it easier, although this is her first experience of staying in Kerala other than for holidays.

We have had much gifts and graces during our time here. This is a sign of goodness and mercy from the Giver of all good things.

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)      
           

Three purposeful Women

This is an artist's portrayal of three women who set out to visit the tomb of Jesus of Nazareth on the first day of the week, the third day after the crucifixion of Jesus. Considering the perplexed face in this painting, it is likely that this meeting of the three women would in all probability have been prior to their visit to the tomb in the early morning. This narration is found in the first ten verses of Luke:24. 

The painter gives away some insights about this woman in this piece of art. They are on their own, outside a building, in the field, being with each other in a state of suspense, anxiety and appears sorrowful. Two of them wear light coloured dress with a bright scarf covering their head. Going by their dress, they were expectant and hopeful of the resurrection as Jesus o the third day.  The third woman wearing a dark dress, and grey scarf was perhaps still in a mourning spirit. 

What made me drawn towards this picture is the pursuit of these three women. They were searching for Jesus. This common interest brought them together. Two appeared searching for the risen Jesus and the other woman for Jesus in the tomb to offer spices as an act of her worship and adoration of Jesus. 

This is the reality even today. Some live with hope and anticipation when everything around is contrary to it. Such a hope comes from belief and trust. To trust is most demanding. To give up is natural and common. Those who are habituated to trust are the means for change. We live among people who have no reason or inspiration to trust. And yet, we can only be companions to them accommodating and befriending them as the two women did to their friend. 

In verse 10 of Luke.24, the the gospel writer names these women as Mary Magdalene, Joanna and Mary, mother of James. They were the ones who returned to the 11 disciples of Jesus to tell them about the resurrection of Jesus, after the two angels appeared to the three women at the open grave and announced the resurrection of Jesus.  

The eleven disciples remained huddled together in a room in fear or anxiety and the three women risked to go the tomb. They became good news bearers.

The artist pays tribute to the three women, who became messengers of resurrection! They had purposed in their hearts to be forerunners of a mission- encourage who were in despair.

There are more women than men in the  counselling profession, teaching, nursing, social work, etc. Let me commend women for leading the way by serving and bringing hope in difficult situations. They did two thousand years ago and they continue the same even today! Women lead by their example.

M.C. Mathew(text and photo)

A flower on the walkway

Anna and I noticed this flower peeping out in to the walkway through the wire netting used for fencing. It would have reached out through the netting when the flower was still a bud. Only one flower bud reached out; others stayed in the garden inside the boundary. What made this single flower bud to move into another space! We would not have the answer. This flower bud was different from the others. It decided to behave differently.

I am often asked during consultations by parents,'why this child is different from others in the family in behaviour, learning, attitudes or interests'! I too am in the dark, like the parents, to the 'why' question. 

However, let me suggest that most children who stood out differently in behaviour, attitude or temperament, etc. carry and convey an instinct of originality. Most of us are comfortable when our children are like the others. When they think or act or choose differently, as adults, we feel insecure and anxious. This pushes us to put pressure on them to conform and not to choose the unbeaten path. 

Let me share how one family responded to the aspirations of their son. Jesus of Nazareth, who lived two thousand years back, accompanied his parents to Jerusalem temple for annual worship. He decided to stay back to listen to the teachings of the Scripture and engage the religious leaders, while his parents set out on the return journey. When his mother, Mary having found him in the temple after an intense search, questioned Jesus as to why he stayed back! To which, his response was, 'Don't you know that I am to be in my Father's business'? Jesus of Nazareth went about doing good and became a messenger and minister of peace and love. His mission through suffering and resurrection opened the door of access to God for communion of love. 

When our children appear to be different, consider if they communicate something special or outstanding in their attitudes, choices or inclinations. God sends in to our midst sages, prophets and ministers of service. They are born in some of our homes. May we we be open to foster God's ways in their lives, if we find them choosing a calling that is unlike others. 

Dr. Frank and Val Garlick resigned from the faculty of Christian Medical College, Vellore in 1970 at the prime of their career, to be with medical students and doctors to encourage them in their faith journey after Jesus of Nazareth. It was this that led to the formation of the Evangelical Medical Fellowship of India in 1974. It is now 38 years since its formation. The members and friends of this fellowship, about five hundred,  would meet shortly for a conference at Mahabalipuram. Frank chose and acted differently and his efforts initiated the formation of  'fellowship of pilgrims' as it was referred to by Frank in the early days.  

An odd flower, appears to be out of place on the walk way. But it is closer to those who pass by. It is there for others. What is life lest it is lived close to others! 

M.C. Mathew (text and photo)        

   

Picnic in the Courtyard

Anna and I found this sit out, in the courtyard of a home, we visited recently. We found the setting and arrangement in the lawn highly suggestive of the frequent gatherings of the family around this fire place. The family mentioned to us about the happy occasions the family shares by being in the lawn, sitting around having supper, barbecue, or after supper desert or playing card games. etc. This family uses this place on two or three times in a week. It is also a favourite place for children and grandchildren when they come visiting. 

Although most of us live in flats or in congested surroundings, it is still possible to find little space to make it special for the family to have a picnic, without having to travel to a distant place.

One of the grand children of the family told us that they like having meals in the lawn, as it spares them from having to follow strict table manners, when they are at the dining table. The children like the leisurely time they can have around the meal, followed by family games or story telling. They are fond of this times, as the family can unwind with laughter and fun. 

We have also come across neighbours sharing such a common place and facility in one of the courtyards of their own homes, in order to give an opportunity to those, who do not have a private lawn or courtyard. Families need different contexts and settings to feel connected with each other.

What is the difference between being indoors or outdoors! We are bound or conditioned, when we are indoors by music, television, Computer, books, board gems, etc. This sometimes can become a routine and reduce other flavours needed in building relationships. When a family is outdoors, there is a sense of freedom, relaxation, participation, exploration, etc.

All families need formal times, which is what being indoors provide. They need informal times outdoors, where there is an opportunity to experience the expanse in family ties with spontaneity and originality. 

Make it  habit to have picnics in the terrace, veranda, courtyard, car boot, beside a stream or in  a unused stair case where there is a lift... let me suggest that after such an occasion, we adults would long for the next one, as much as the children.

Family life is the sum substance of all small things we do consciously to build relationships.

M.C.Mathew( text and photo)      

Colourfulness in togetherness

One of the experiments a gardener would like to make is to have a common flower bed for different plants. As each plant needs a particular type of bed, manure, light exposure or shade, it is often difficult for the gardener to choose the different plants belonging to heterogenous species that can be planted together. However, every garden will have some flower beds which different flowering plants share. Such beds are a family of flowers brought into being by the gardener. Together they add colourfullness to the garden. Such flower beds stand out in a garden and reflect the skills of the gardener.

A family on earth is such a coming together of parents, children, grandparents, etc. to form a flower bed of rich blend of colours. Each family has  been brought and knit together by the gardener of our Soul, the creator God, whom Jesus of Nazareth referred to as the 'vine dresser', who plants and prunes. There is colourfulness in humanity because two people, a man and woman,  of different temperament, abilities, gifts, backgrounds, upbringing, skills, etc. are brought together in marriage to form the family. What brings and binds them together is a calling to 'love, cherish and and to be fruitful'. All the differences between a married couple then get blended into shared experiences, through which both partners grow to express the colourfulness of their lives through their home, children, and vocation. 

We live in a society, whose social ethos is individuality. Many do not like to get married; some delay it as long they can; many delay having children or do no have children so that they can live single, although married. There is more of individuality than shared experiences even in families who stay together. 

A family who visited me for professional consultation had a litany complaints. When I asked them to write down the good experiences they have shared together during the fifteen years of married life, the list surprised them. This exercise brought a new insight into their joys and blessings. This made them less defensive and accusatory. It was easier to proceed for the subsequent meetings, because of a new awareness about the colourfulness in togetherness. 

Each of us can be comfortable by being alone, but if our calling has been for togetherness in married life, then it is better to choose to be fruitful by sharing lives at a profoundly intimate level. Every human life is a well of resources and blessings that it is through an encounter in a deeper plane we can experience and  convey  the abundance of life. 

We watch individual plants and their blossoms with delight. But a flowerbed of flowers of multiple colours captivates us as it is beautiful beyond everything else. 

If there is ONE  mission, we pay least attention to in our churches, organisations or in civil society is FAMILY ENRICHMENT.

If there are those who feel similarly, please get in touch with us for pursuing a dream.

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)                     

Make walls speak

One of the things I look out for, when I visit new places is the decoration or hangings on the walls of buildings. This is most valuable as most of what you see on the walls may reveal a lot about  people, place or their ethos.

Anna and I visited a friend's home and observed this delicate piece of art on the wall of a room facing the bed room. All these items were hand- made and placed in the present form on the wall. They are made of beads, soft cloth, malleable wire, and coloured paper which are often available in any stationary shop almost at no cost.

Let me introduce to you why this fascinated us so much. This is a pictorial representation of our friend's life journey in full  display although there is more to life than what was displayed. This reveals as well as conceals. 

Life has this dimension of being open as well as being covered. Many aspects of our lives are lived publicly in the intimacy of relationship at home, all most all of us live publicly in places of our work; we open ourselves before friends and yet, there is a dimension of life which stays close to our heart which often is known partly only to our soul mate in marriage. Even beyond this dimension of knowledge of ourselves by our spouse, there is an inner dimension which cannot be fully known. It is this which makes us believe that 'our substance is from God and we are formed in His likeness' because of which something in us will always be mystical and cannot be fully known.  

But what about the dimension which can be known and ought to be known. This calls for courage of self disclosure. It has three benefits. We discover for ourselves through self disclosure the strands which form our inner fabric of consciousness. This leads us to offer an invitation to others, to share in the experiences of our lives, which is a prelude to developing lasting friendships of shared living with some friends. When this happens, we begin to shed our fears, inhibitions or cautions and become increasingly willing to be known by others as we real as we are inside. Such an openness even at the risk of vulnerability, is the only way into fullness of life. 

The dichotomy between who we are inside and who we are perceived outside is detrimental to our inner self. Our gets its wings clipped by this dichotomy. Our souls is for communion with God. As long as we are caught in  this dichotomy, our soul is in anguish. 

Our journey into ourselves is the first step for  a journey Godwards. We were privileged to share in the journey of our friend through this revealing art work on the wall. The delicate art work symbolises the tenderness and thought with which our friend views life!   

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)    

Meanings and Associations

I have less than elementary skills in appreciating abstract drawings. A family friend recently introduced me to some principles in understanding abstract drawings. This helped me to  imagine the mystery of this symbol drawn by an artist at the occasion of an awareness week for healthy living. 

He used four colours to represent images. 

There is a close loop in green colour with its centre overlapping a fully coloured round ball, representative of an intimate relationship between two different persons. It is a secure ball and loop structure that conveys the inherent intimate and vibrant relationship between two married people. The two married ones are distinctly different, unique, and separate and yet there is a close and connected relationship. All well being can only begin if the society promotes and insists for this form of stability and continuity of relationship between married couples. The picture also provides space for the ball to expand and the loop to grow in both directions, a very noble proposal for every married couple to envision each other's growth.   

An incomplete loop is placed opposite to the loop and ball. It is large and looks like an arc with sharp ends on both sides but with a difference. One end is more tapering than the other, which suggests that the growth adds to the enlargement of a person as shown with a broad stroke at the other end. This arc is also overlapping another ball, which is different in colour and the two are related in an eccentric form giving a good portrayal of the way siblings relate to each other in a family setting. I wonder whether they represent a boy and girl nearing fullness of childhood! This takes place with proximity to parents, who are present showing forth love, intimacy and mutuality. It is also representation of  older children  reaching maturity and wholeness. The arc is close to the loop and ball and yet is sufficiently distant from it. A good communication about a balance in relationship between parents and children! I like the space the artist portrays to offer freedom and space for children and yet making it conditioned by the nearness and supervision of parents. 

The other comma like stroke is even more interesting because the colour it shares with the other two blue shades and yet different. This comma like stroke is one or two shades lower than the blue used to represent a child. This enhances the mystery of this creative art. I wonder whether it represents the heritage the family leaves behind for posterity. It is presented in the painting at the open end  and placed in a different direction as if it is growing into an open future space. The fact that it begins from the centre of the drawing where parents and children are portrayed  seems to suggest that it has its roots in the present and and direction into the future.

For me, this meditation on this mystical art work on inner wholeness and well being, which begins at the family and spills over to the society  brought some clarifications. One is gratefulness, that each family has a place and role in creating the future. God ordained the family that they may be 'fruitful'. Second is the primacy of relationship between husband and wife with all its paradoxes and yet bringing it into harmony and well being. I realise that it is this relationship between married couple which is in peril in many families, which is a wake up call to foster more marriage enrichment initiatives. Third is an appreciation of the nearness and distance with which the artist portrays the relationship parents are called to have with their children. The siblings have much in common and yet they too are different in form and in the choices they make. Fourth is the legacy each family leaves for the future- an open ended potential to bless humanity.

The whole painting exists in an open space, reminding me of a reality that, 'it is in God we live, move and have our being'.

I stay wondering at an abstract drawing and realise that some communicate in words, some through music, some through drama and theatre, some through dance or real pictures drawings, etc. But those who communicate in abstract forms are those who speak with their hearts, inviting us to feel their heart images. An invitation to participate in their inner journey of in sights and clarity. 

We need abstract forms, as what is fully revealed can lose its significance over a period of time. We are also called to 'see in part' and wait for it to be revealed fully later. 

M.C. Mathew(text and photo)        

A Child caught in marriage conflict

I remember photographing this puppy, which was hiding under a bush after having been chased by two quarrelling adult dogs. They were two adult dogs whom we used to see often in the hospital campus and one of the dogs chasing this puppy was its own mother. This puppy stayed under this bush for several days and  children in the campus offered it food and water. The dog looked cast down, with no response to all the care provided by the children. Puppies by nature do not recover easily from fright, anxiety, rejection or physical attack.  

Today, I heard a story of a child who has attempted to take life, out of desperation due to the raging marital conflict of the parents. The child narrowly escaped from a catastrophe due to prompt medical attention. It was distressing to hear the heart rending story from the child of dejection, abuse, punishment and threats.

How are we to care for children, when parents go through prolonged marital conflicts! It is necessary to provide parenting substitute in an affirming way during such times. It is unwise to ignore the impact of conflict in varying intensities on children. The youngest and the oldest suffer most. The youngest because he or she  would need special attention for childhood formation. The oldest may already be facing transition of adolescence and it is too much to return home to watch the parents quarrelling.

The care of children would fall on older siblings, relatives, neighbours, friends, or teachers at school. Often, it is not possible to offer the needed quality of attention by fostering them as parents often would insist on caring for the children on their own. Sometimes this involvement with children may help parents to review the situation of the needs of children, in which case one or both partners may tone down the arrogance towards each other. 

On many occasions, children are left to fend for themselves. We do not have good social welfare programme to help children go through this tumultuous period without suffering from traumatic stress. 

When parents seek dispute resolution through family therapy, children need to be included in therapy to help them recover from their emotional devastation.

The child whom I met today, asked me, 'Why are my parents quarrelling! Don't they think about us! They have everything materially, but they do not seem to value their own children'.

This is a new social malady, more urban children are faced with. When parents fail to honour their marriage vows, the silent sufferer is a child. The children would suffer from pain, fear, loneliness, reduced self esteem and social alienation. 

Most broken marriages can be redeemed over a period of time. The starting point is for the couple to say to each other, 'I am sorry' and walk through marriage enrichment process, sheltered by people who can care, counsel and support to find the way forward! 

Marital conflicts inflict injury to children. Let us keep this as a sound reason to protect our marriages from decay! Marriage relationship is larger in purpose than for parenting. I wish more families would discover the larger meaning and richness of sharing lives intimately as married couples! 

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)                  

Give me a home !

I have often seen monkeys with their babies at road sides, close to hills and mountains. I have been fascinated by the family ties the monkeys demonstrate. Most veterinary doctors  think that a baby of a monkey is free of the mother only after twelve to eighteen months. They stay in this intimate physical relationship as seen in this photo. 

It is the baby monkey who holds on to the mother. The culture of rearing new ones in the monkey species is largely baby driven. 

That is not the case with humans. The mother or parents decide when to go back to work after a baby is born; when to wean the baby; how to nurse the baby; what environment is needed for the family, etc. A new born is often at the receiving end. 

This freedom humans exercise, towards their newborns and infants have landed us in an unfortunate setting. Even babies of less than three months are in day care; babies are in a creche for long hours even before they are one year old; children are at play school by two years; most children attend full day school before they are three years old. I sense that children are getting displaced from the intimacy of parental proximity and familiar home setting.    

I find this trend most distressing. I come across several instances of young children feeling the stress of this premature separation from the home setting. Parents in their pre-occuaption with compulsions of circumstances surrender to an easy option of 'abandoning' their children to be cared by others. This can at best be, an exception. All children need the safety, security, stability and belonging, which only a family can provide. No child is usually ready to be separate from parents for long hours before the age of  five years or so. May be, we can give a concession and make it as three years.

I have felt embarrassed by the sight of many crying children who cling on to their parents when they come to drop the children at the day care. Adults are busy at work and have something to look forward   to at work each day. The children who are forced to go to day care have often nothing to look forward to except an intimidating and lonely experience.

Now the government, private firms and multinational companies are comfortable to offer paid  leave for child birth and child care even up to two years. I heard from the CEO of a large company that, only five out of 150 women who had babies used this offer since it was introduced two years back. The rest returned to work after six to eight weeks of the child birth. I know of five families who used this facility and speak highly of the immense benefit this has provided to make the relationship with their children cordial and comfortable. Otherwise children leave home before  experiencing the holistic dimensions of a home. The first confusion in the mind of an infant is, 'which is my home', when an infant spends most of the waking hours at day care.

He or she regards the place he spends most of his play time as his home. Many infants and toddlers grow up now day days 'homeless'. Most infants take less note of the place where they sleep in. So the day care centre becomes the home and the parental home, becomes 'stay in' place. The consequence of this is, such infants develop a 'pluralistic' character, a synthesis of many habits and practices of a day care centre, unlike an infant who enjoys spending all of his or her time at  home, who would grow up to imbibe a character which is unique to his or her own family. They are fortunate to have been brought up in good traditions and rituals of a family, from which he or she departs only under insurmountable pressures when they grow up. We save our children for the future by choosing better child nurturing habits. 

Let me suggest the 'baby driven' nurturing culture monkeys follow be standard for us as well. Babies would need ordinarily a father or mother to be fully available for the optimum well being. Let babies give us permission to leave them at the day care; till then we are bound by obligation to be their primary regular care givers. They shall become what we condition them to be!

The mother baby Samuel, Hannah, refused to accompany her husband Elkanah, to the annual pilgrimage to the temple till Samuel was weaned (I Samuel 1:22). History of child care beckons us to rediscover this philosophy as a habit.

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)  

         

A Singing Infant

Anna and I attended the Sunday worship service today in a church, close to our home. It was a recently renovated church with architectural elegance and creative design. It provided  a phenomenal acoustic quality to singing. There was much participation from the laity including women and the ambience was very conducive to worship. We felt inspired and touched by the service and returned home talking about this pleasant discovery of a congregation that we can belong to. 

Let me confess about a distraction that engaged me during the service. It was an infant, resting on his  mother's shoulder, staying silent without a whimper through out the 90 minutes of  the worship service . What was most fascinating was the movement of his head with the rhythm and tune of the music. There were five hymns sung during the service, out of which three of them had a fast beat. His mother was singing loud and hearing this he would turn to his mother's face, or to the organ or the choir stall in turn. When ever the chorus of the song was sung, his head movements and the swinging of his body corresponding to the tune was even more visible. He was absorbed in the music and looked alert and attentive. It was evident that his mother must be a natural singer as she did not need a hymn book to assist her. In all probability, he was used to listening to his mother singing to him. 

Infants are attentive to music and quieten themselves when they hear music or singing. This happens from the fourth month of age. This infant looked at least six months in age. The infants can appreciate rhythm, tune, and sound and to musical instruments. The hearing is mature by this age and the central processing of songs takes place at the parietal cortex, temporal cortex and frontal cortex. The ability to respond to music by clapping or moving the body in resonance to the the tune or show facial expressions can be noticed in some infants from the age of six months or earlier.

What was special about this baby was that he was quiet even during the rest of the service, when announcements were made or the message was preached. This suggests that he was a comforted child, who felt secure in his mother's arms.

Let me suggest that singing is perhaps the greatest service we can offer to any infant.  This facilitates development of attention, sound appreciation, stimulation of different parts of the cortex, processing and integration of tunes, sounds and rhythm, all required in producing speech. A baby is calmed by singing. The mother's voice in a song is reassuring to an infant. This makes the infant more temperamentally stable and adjusting. There is a bonding which music brings between a mother and her child as the infant can appreciate the smile, gladness and joy a mother communicates  while singing. I felt that this infant reflected all of these.

The presence of this infant added richness to our worship. Out of babes, God brings forth joy, peace and gladness. God of love was resident in his life. It would not have been appropriate to take a photograph during a worship service. So you have to imagine the scene.

M.C.Mathew.

What happens to you when you are wounded!

I saw this pigeon one morning, perched in a tree in a busy residential locality in a metropolitan city. While other pigeons were flying and fluttering around, this one was still. I watched it through the binoculars for a while. I could not see one of its legs. I was almost certain that the pigeon was injured and was therefore not mobile. 

That very afternoon I happened to listen to a family, who told me all about their lonely experience, when their son was sick with Meningitis at a hospital. They found it extremely difficult to take care of their elderly parents, attend to their daughter who was in the midst of a university exit examination. One of the parent was refused leave, due to the financial year ending in his office. I do come across such stories frequently during consultations with children and their families.. 

Wounded people often live lonely lives! It is too much for others to cope with the needs of a wounded person. The Good Samaritan story is a good illustration of this.

When I came back to the room in the evening, the pigeon was still sitting in the same place. It seemed  a long wait and journey for the pigeon for any respite. However, there was another pigeon perched in an adjacent branch of the same tree. When I got up next morning both the pigeons were sitting in the same place, I saw them the previous evening. 

Wounded people can be lonely and helpless. But we have a message from the pigeon- take note of the wounded ones! There are more people than ever before now-a-days, who are emotionally wounded, and hurting with pain in their inner life. 

A school going child told me, that every time the teacher scolds him, he feels that he had not existed! Such is the intensity of dejection and self pity! 

A neighbour told me that instead of watching TV for three hours, which he used to do for years, he recently started visiting people in the neighbourhood. He said, 'I no longer miss the TV as people's stories are more life giving than media stories'. 

Let us draw near to the wounded and hurting!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)      

Others in our lives

I continue to be fascinated by childhood and its several facets and learning experiences. It provides a new understanding about the way new experiences are learned by infants from their environment. 

Let me share one observation. This infant is moving on his four limbs and is reaching out with his right hand to hold a moving toy in front of him. The process starts by noticing the object, reaching out, holding it and the child being guided to move in the direction of the toy by the care provider.

The two influences upon an infant for development is nature and nurture. A child is inherently endowed with capacity to progress developmentally, even when there are some limitations in the developmental process due to a neurological insult. This 'urge' for a new born to hold neck, roll over, sit, stand, walk, see, hear, speak, socialise, etc. are programmed in different parts of the brain that there is a natural sequence in which all these develop.

However, all these can develop in a sequence only as much as the environment nurtures this process by affirming the efforts of a child, reciprocating the initiative and providing an interactive environment. This nurture is critical. seminal and defines the developmental sequences.

The approach of 'nature' and 'nurture' are well known historic foundations in child development.

Let me now try extending this to adulthood development. Anna and I are 'infants' in a new environment in Kerala and at the Medical School where we work.  We have an inherent 'instinct' to adapt to this place, opportunity and the academic setting. 

What has overwhelmed us is the 'nurture' we have received from the larger environment of this institution from people from all walks of life. Their smile, visits, help to set up a new department, enquiry about our well being, concern for our adaptation to life in Kerala where we are in professional practice for the first time, etc. make us feel that they provide what we need for our development and fruitfulness in this new setting. The domestic helpers who are part of my mother's support have also risen to the occasion to surround us with their attention. 

This illustrates the 'welcome' every person needs who are in transition or face a relocation. The host community needs  to make several initiatives to make a new person grow in  a sense of belonging. The neighbours have a responsibility to offer friendship in several practical ways. Our neighbour dropped in to check on us several times, which eased our anxiety about many things we were new to. One person introduced me to a corner shop, where we get coffee with a special flavour.    

We are all infants and toddlers irrespective of our chronological age needing care, attention and assistance. According to the tradition of Psychology of transactional analysis, there is a paradigm; 'ask for help, give help, withdraw help and refuse help' which suggests that this is the rhythm for meaningful social living.

The infant in the photo needed someone to stimulate his crawling; we need each other for our inner and outer movements.

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)    

'Reality at hand and the dream of your heart'

I come across several occasions, when children during a consultation, would want to play with my stethoscope. I usually let them for the sake of fulfilling their curiosity. Sometimes children mention that they too want to become a doctor. 

Most of children who come to me for a consultation are those with neuro-developmental needs which is their reality at hand. They struggle to learn, or have language difficulties, or are physically limited. It is occasionally I come across some children who feel 'disabled' by these challenges but many others are oriented differently. I welcomed a child yesterday, who has serious reading and writing difficulty, but has developed exceptional skills in drawing, music, percussion and playing foot ball. 

This is the encouraging paradox. There can be several limitations or challenges, but most children do not give up their dreams or fail to turn a challenge in to an opportunity. 

The caption I chose for this post is borrowed from an entrepreneur, who has called for a seminar to share his success story of pursuing a dream of his heart after dropping out of college. Sandeep Maheshwari is now into several creative initiatives and is well known for his innovative  methods to make a difference socially. Now he wants to meet young people, who sense limitations in pursuing a dream, to tell them his experience of perseverance and determination. He conducts this seminar in Delhi on 20th October on a first come basis without charging any fees.

Some of us get stuck thinking of our difficulties,p failures or disappointments. Some others complain about the difficulties and blame others. There are many who have given up and live reduced lives. But there are some who are habituated to look beyond the reality at hand. They live with hope and communicate the call of life.

The Prime minster of India, Dr. Manmohan Singh, mentioned yesterday, that 'there is too much negativism among us which freezes us into in action'. His suggestion was, life offers many opportunities. 

Yesterday, my colleague and I spent time to encourage a family, whose elder daughter committed suicide recently after failing in one subject in the engineering examination, father is on regular renal dialysis and their son is developmentally disadvantaged. At the end of it, the mother mentioned, 'I go back with some hope'. Her first response was her willingness to let their son stay with a relative for a short while, who volunteered to care for him,  so that she can return to her work to earn an income. She saw an opportunity. 

Let me refer to a saying of Jesus of Nazareth, as a sign for us that hope will anchor us, 'In this world you will have troubles, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world'.

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

   

Yellow, White and Red

One of my favourite flowers is Rose. 

During a recent review of my collection of photographs, I noticed that photos of Rose flowers from different places, was  the  largest number, among all the flowers in my collection. 

I have been drawn by the gentle display of its colour, texture of its petals, the formation of the petals to give it a shape, the aroma,  the way the bud evolves in to a full bloom over a few days and the way the petals drop one by one before the flower fades away only to be left with its stalk as a reminder of its earlier presence.

Every family has a particular structure, rhythm, ambience, character and relational pattern. Each family is different just as there are  rose flowers with different colours.

What is common between families is its function- to make it a home for human formation and to offer fullness of life to all those who  to belong the family.

However, it is within families, many people experience their first  encounter of discrimination.

A nine year old girl, who came to visit me last week, was referred to by her parents as lazy, moody and shabby. She started to cry in their presence, which made me feel that a private interview would be needed. My colleague and I listened to her for over an hour, of all that she was going through at home, on account of her dark body complexion, different academic performance from her brother, struggles she has in helping her mother in house keeping, etc. 

She was heart broken and did not have a sense of belonging to her family. She participated in debates, sports, dancing, dramatics and was learning two foreign languages. We felt that she was ahead of others of her age in clarity of thought, communication, personal faith and spiritual experience. From what she shared, we sensed that she was overcome with sadness and felt emotionally detached from her family. 

Family is a coming together of different people, like the petals in a rose flower, to be a coherent unit to bring fullness of life and offer joyful relationship to all its members. This is getting disrupted amidst all the pressures that come upon families due to social and existential changes taking place all around us. A family is also for the blessing of others to experience its  caring and serving presence in a community.               

Somehow, this foundational value of family life is getting overlooked. I suspect children are worst affected. 'What is salt if it has lost its saltiness', is how Jesus of Nazareth described such a situation, when families are becoming dysfunctional.

I happened to ask a seven year child, who is your best friend, to which he answered, ' Television'. Forty one out of forty three students in 6th standard wrote a composition on a theme, 'My role model' about film stars and sports persons. The three who wrote about their parents being their role model, were made to feel uncomfortable by their class mates. Children of today are experiencing a distance from their parents as many material things separate each other from developing intimacy in relationships.

It is the parents who hold the family together like the stalk that holds a rose flower. The parents make a family bloom like a rose flower. This can be facilitated in a family setting through family times of planned conversations, leisure activities, reading books of formative value as a common activity, sharing life experiences and listening to each other's views,occasions of prayer and meditation on the Scripture passages.... 

Next time, you see a rose flower, meditate on your family.

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)     

Two faces

These photos are of the same plant, the first one taken during the day and the second one during the night, when it was decorated with lights for a meeting. The two pictures show some similarities, but there are striking differences. The darkness, illumination with coloured lights  and night photography changed the appearance of the plant significantly. It is as though the plant has lost its identity with all the changes brought about by the environment. Even a plant has two faces.

What distinguishes humanity from the rest of creation is the dignity and value we consciously attribute to other humans. While on my way to work today, I happened to notice men quarrelling outside a shop which led to fist fight and injury to both. I was appalled the way others watched this ugly sight and made no effort to stop it.  

It is common now-a days to drop standards of civility in TV interviews when political opponents attack each other; lose temper in the sports field and deliberately hurt a player; resort to violence during protest marches; injure the spouse during a domestic conflict; take revenge on others who  happened to be a foe, etc. It is almost acceptable to use intemperate language against others during discussions or arguments and justify it somehow.

I counted thirty five references to violence initiated by people in a national news paper this morning, including one from some children. 

We as humans have traditionally practiced respect for others, esteem life, advocate harmony, restore peace, care for others, stand up for justice, shoe acts of kindness, etc. I feel the gradual decline of all these particularly among young people. I watched a young man shouting and abusing a bus conductor as the conductor did not accept a 500 rupee note for a payment of six rupees. The language was deplorable.

We humans seem to have two faces.  We profess to live by values. Where as we practice the opposite rather too often.

I liked the way, a group of ten students decided to promote practice of couteousy in the college by being courteous to others and having a meeting in the evening to recollect their experiences to encourage each other.

Let not the environment of hostility, competition, selfishness, and trust deficit mask our identity as 'human beings', created in the image of God to communicate love and charity! 

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Open door and beyond

One of the pictures, Anna and I were used to having in our dining room for the last 25 years, is a photo we took of a mountain ranges, through the open door of a building,  which gave a clear view of the mountain ranges. The picture captured a panoramic view of at least three levels of mountains in the distance. This picture became a symbol to us of the journey of life.

The photo reveals a lot of details of the mountains, which are proximal and only a bird's eye view of the mountains, which are in the distance. The details of the  distant trees, roads, buildings, etc are only faintly seen in the photo. There is a marked difference in the clarity and definition of the details between the mountains in the proximity and in the distance. Even a telephoto lens would retain the  difference.

I was reminded of this foundation to journey in life, when we looked at it recently while we were unpacking our boxes to choose some photos to hang on the wall of our current drawing room.

Often, we question, grumble or become impatient because we are not satisfied with the available visibility into our future. For some of us, even the details of one day is not sufficiently clear.

I like the way a child described to me about his day in the school. He is aware of the time table of the day and the names of the teachers, who would engage each hour, but not the content and the process the teachers would use to engage the class. He spoke contentedly of what he already knows of each day and was willing to wait for each class to unfold its own story. He felt satisfied to go to school not knowing what would take place in each session. In fact he mentioned to me that it is better to have surprises, which would make each day special free from the monotony of the routine.

It was when we had to stop to repair a flat tyre while on a long journey in the summer, we had an opportunity to visit a road side mango fruit exhibition with over fifty varieties on display, which was an eye opener to us of the extent to which farmers have progressed in specializing in hybrid varieties of mangoes. We were made to suffer an interruption, only to gain from it.  

We are 'runners' and 'achievers' by instinct and choice. We are almost carried in a conveyer belt of jobs, responsibilities and expectations that we spend most of our time looking at the immediate. Our mind is occupied and is full that we do not lift our eyes to see the vision of life beyond the immediate.

Dr. William Cutting, a senior Paediatrician who writes a news letter for senior citizens, commenting about the Paralympics, which concluded last week in London, mentioned, that, ' Olympic games were spectacular and medal driven. But people with different abilities participated in the Paralympics for the pleasure of being together. Even those who could not train themselves felt at home in the company of others who won or lost. It was a community of those who performed and participated.'

We need a new vision to life and living. The open door invites us to believe that , we are all children in the family of God. There is only 'one community, whose fountain head is God'. Let us live reminding ourselves of this original reality which would unfold to fuller reality in the fullness of time !  

M.C.Mathew (Text) Not able to upload the photo.  

Changes and observations

How do I feel  in a new place after one month! 

It is a new experience living in a cottage, which is about 90 years old. It gives us an introduction to how facilities were different at that time in most middle class homes. The thick foliage around the house is a home for many birds. Anna and I are fascinated by the sight of wood peckers, parrots, magpie, sparrows, Minas, Koels, squirrels, etc. We are still looking for any nest we can locate. The canal that carries water, passing through the property leaks heavily and has made a few permanent streams of water. We can listen to the play of water in the stillness of the night. The lawn grass we planted has taken roots and this makes the surrounding more homely and aesthetic.

Anna has formed a bed for a kitchen garden. After much search, we found hedge plants and they are already blooming in less than two weeks, with pretty little white flowers. The thick overgrowth around the house is sometimes annoying, as they are stubbornly resistant to our de-weeding. But it houses, insects, butterfly and bees. Our aquaria inside and outside the house are already breeding fish. It is a relief to have fresh water without any chemical treatment, which is good for the fish. Our thirty minute drive to work and back is through several villages with houses and gardens on both sides of the road in different settings and patterns. There is a feeling of prosperity, if one were to go by the size and appearance of these houses and the gardens around them.

This is the third 'strike' we are observing in the last one month. All the shops including the medical shops are closed today. We still do not have proper broad band internet connection. All my attempts to down load a file from Apple stores have failed. I am unable to upload pictures into the net. Whenever I am ready to post a thought on a blog, the net could not be connected. 

I welcome about five children and families for consultation on the out patient days. The families convey  the stress under which they live- pressure of work, social pressures to achieve, financial struggles as cost of living does not match with salaries they earn, children find the academic work demanding, marital conflict, etc. Each day families tell these in different ways.

There is a drivenness I sense in people. There are queues at the liquor shops from the morning so much so the HIgh Court in the state made a recommendation to the government that liquor be sold only in the evening to reduce the number of people going to work after consuming alcohol and an effective de-addiction plan be pursued. We had a visitor yesterday to enquire whether we would lend some time for starting a de-addiction programme for college going students.        

There are mixed feelings as we adjust to these experiences.    A visitor reminded me this morning: Every change moves us and unsettles us. But it can be like a rain that washes the hills and trees to give them their original look. How refreshing it is to define a change in that way! 

M.C.Mathew( text)