I have a habit !

I feel drawn by rose flowers and have a large collection of  their photographs from different locations. 

As I watched this flower in the garden in front of our cottage, I could not pass by it without photographing it. 

I kept pondering over why the rose flowers capture my attention so much! 

The petals of the rose flower is arranged  overlapping each other in a circular fashion. This arrangement is almost the same in most varieties of  rose flowers, I have so far observed. The petals stay close to each other, providing protection to each other and the fragile petals in the centre have several circular layers of protection from other petals.

To me, this is the story of community living. We live in close contact with each other; we care and protect each other; we are most considerate towards those who need special attention.

It is now thirty five years, since I have had the privilege of being in touch with children who have special needs. I have come to realise how they too are needed to make a human family complete. The absence of any petal would make the rose flower look deficient. The children with special needs ought to be in the centre of a family and society receiving care and protection from all around them. Their absence from our consciousness or our failure to recognise them would make the humanity devoid of its given fullness.

A rose flower is a symbol of human relationships

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)   

Let go for something better !

Anna and I watched the sunset on last Sunday while we were driving back from Vellore. We stopped to watch the sun fade away behind the hill with the sky turning crimson and the dusk setting in. All of this movement took place in less than three minutes. It was so fast that I could not get all the sequences on time! Time moved forward. 

We were returning after attending a confirmation service in the morning at St. John’s church and we were still pondering over what we saw and heard at the service. Twelve  adolescent boys and girls were welcomed in to the membership of the church  following their confession of faith. They moved forward in time. 

When awe arrived around 10 pm at our cottage, Daffney our dog, welcomed us with profuse affection. We were away for two days and in those two days, she too has moved on to be even more communicative. 

We are people on the move, living with  different inner and outer movements that affect and change us.  

What is refreshing about it is that every movement is a sign of growth and continuity with profound meanings hidden in the transition.  

The fading sun sent out a brilliant array of colours on the sky, while it was on its transitional journey.

We too are endowed with such a prospect of overflowing with grace even when we feel moved by circumstances. A mother who came to visit us with her son told me today, ‘I have become more peaceful through the rough times’. A paradox! It was when the sun was setting the best of colours could be seen on the sky. It is when we let go, there is greater blessings to others!

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)   

A photographer rests his camera!

Walking and talking!

I find this habit of walking and talking on the mobile phone as an accepted practice. I was stopped by someone whom I met after a long time, while walking and talking on the mobile phone. He had to wait to greet me for about three minutes till I wound up a conversation. Following that meeting, as I walked on, I saw this sight of a person with two mobile phones. That made me even more curious.

Why is that we have hooked on to phones almost addictively!

We have been pressured to become instant to attend to our needs. Talking to someone on the phone cannot wait even if there is no emergency. This is the creation of the advances in information technology because of which sharing information has become a habit.

Does this instant sharing information practice enhance communication, if we consider building relationships as one important outcome of communication!

On the same day, as I walked past a child on the way to the canteen, speaking on the phone, I heard the child tell me, ‘why don’t you talk to me instead of talking on the phone’?.

That is when, I began thinking about this habit of walking and talking on th phone. Often we would meet on the corridors people whom we do not meet regularly. We lose the opportunity to exchange greetings with them if we walk pass then talking on the phone. In fact, some like to redeem time by phoning while walking!

We need inner space and outer readiness to convert our conversations into communications! Some find periodic ‘starving’ from phone conversations to restore the inner rhythm of attentive listening.

M.C.Mathew(text an photo)

Another batch of Doctors!

Yesterday, as I watched this sixth batch of doctors graduate from the MOSC Medical college, I was encouraged by the resource of knowledge and skills they bring to the profession. 

There were three moving anecdotes I heard form the speakers at the occasion. One was shared by the Bishop who presided over the graduation ceremony. He talked about a 82 years old cardiologist, who still practices and is well known for this clinical skills and humane approach.The Bishop overheard a conversation while waiting to meet the doctor , when the doctor was gently persuading a  patient of heart disease to quit smoking. It was well past lunch time and he was still finding time to give attention to each person according to his needs.

The second was another experience shared by a plaintive care physician, who happened to meet a woman suffering from advanced cancer, brought by her daughter who is  a daily wage earner. As she could not go for her work on that day, the family would have to go without the provisions for meals on the next day. He reminded the graduates that many patients visit us at the end of their journey despair. He paused a question, ‘are we mindful of them’!

An eminent vice-chancellor during the graduation address shared another personal experience  of him not choosing to go medical training for fear of not being able to be sensitive to the unspoken and felt needs of patients who might come to him. Hw went on to pursue literature and joined the civil service. For hi, what distinguishes a physician is his listening, caring and self giving attitude. 

As I heard these and other moving personal experiences, I kept wondering how these messages sounded to the graduates! 

The departure in the noble practices, according to one of the speakers, began after health care was declared as an industry in the late nineteen eighties, in order to bring give the health care workers the benefit of the industrial act for wages.  

Is the profession losing its soul of care and compassion!  

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Doing it for others!

I am fond of stopping to talk to artists who make sign boards. I like talking to them because once they have manually painted the sign board, their job is done and most probably people do not think of the artist when they are guided by a sign post. The sign board serves others all the time.

One discovery I made during my conversations with them is their intensity of commitment to make the sign boards visibly attractive and impressive for the benefit of others. They usually design something that blends with the place, setting and colour mosaic in the environment. The focus is on visibility and clarity from a distance of about thirty meters when they paint road signs. They usually suggest the height at which it needs to be placed for easy visual contact. They would also suggest a strategic site to locate a  sign board  to help others to see them without straining .  

A sign board artist thinks of others and designs it for the benefit of others.

I have often wondered, whether I carry others in my focus when I do something. Having been practising as a doctor, I have had contacts with hundred o families over the last thirty five years. I have often paused to search my intention, ‘how much of other’s needs stay in my focus when I work’! 

We seem to be moving towards a dominant work culture of, ‘I work for my benefits’. The rights or entitlement culture that has developed among us make us often inclined to consider our needs, aspirations, or expectations. 

How transforming it would be if we can become more ‘other person centric’ in our engagements with others at work place! 

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)

Read to reflect !

It is refreshing to read a book on life without the author prescribing ‘dos’ and ‘donts’ about how to live. Instead  the book is all about describing the phenomenon of life and living as it unfolds naturally to any one of us. There are foundations and values which have put humanity  on this voyage of  living. It is good to be reminded of what undergirds life itself amidst all the challenges which threaten the meaning to life.

The author picks up themes from the book of Proverbs of the Old Testament of the Bible and embarks on a journey of exploring the ‘ancient wisdom’ for contemporary living. The author explores twelve themes in his meditative and inspiring writing.

The first theme is all about pursuing wisdom, making it distinct from knowledge, cleverness, sound understanding. He suggests that, ‘wisdom is what is true and right combined with good judgement’. He uses words such as discerning, judicious, prudent and sensible to make it real. This is both acquired and given. We acquire it by conscience education by everything what is right, pure, righteous and just. We also receive wisdom according to the writer of proverbs directly form God, ‘I will guide you in the way of wisdom’(Pro.4.1-11). He suggests that we enrol in the school of wisdom, for us to live a life of wisdom.

Another theme is on managing anger. He makes some foundational propositions on this theme: understanding the emotion of anger, the cause of anger, our usual way of expressing anger and our usual ways of resolving anger. He categorises all of us into two groups: Bottlers and Spewers. 'The bottled up anger always leaks and when it does, it poisons our bodies, minds and relationships’. The spewers act like a 'burst dam’ while expressing anger by losing self control. The alternative to this is learn to communicate our anger without much emotional overtone to it- without raising our voice, shouting or screaming or showing intimidatory behaviour which unsettle others. I know how a professor behaved to me, when he was upset with my act of commission. He would turn to me and say, ‘I am angry’ and remain silent for a while after which he would explain to me about my act of commission.

This book is published by the Inter-varsity press and worth reading.

M.C. Mathew(text and photo) 

Alone with a screen !

Star -a symbol or ritual !

During this Christmas season, I have been fascinated by the different visually attractive stars used to announce the season of Christmas. 

The star which appeared in the east directed the wise men to Bethlehem, where Jesus was born. Since then the star has been a symbol associated with Christmas along with other symbols of manger, gifts, etc. The star in the east was a pathfinder leading the wise men to the  baby born in a manger who was to be the saviour of humankind. The star represents a profound meaning and mission in the Christmas story. 

However, has it gradually become an item of decoration! One can find in the market all forms of well crafted star like decoration items, which trivialises it from being a symbol. It is a ritual to hang a star outside homes, shops, public places, etc because it gives a festive look to the season. People from all faiths would hang a star outside their homes in rural parts of the state of Kerala, when I live. Its colourful look is eye-catching.

There are many instances of symbols becoming rituals over a period of time. I heard a story which illustrates this. A sage used to have long periods of meditation, during which time his white cat got used to sit beside him still. After his death his followers used to meditate in the same place along with the cat. Then the cat also died. So the followers got another cat but they could not get the cat to sit still. Then  the followers of the sage also died one by one. The meditation site became a pilgrim place, where a white cat was tied to the post and the visitors paid their homage to the cat.  

It is a story, unlikely to be true. However, the story tells us how meaningful symbols can decline to be a ritual without any meaning.  

A symbol represents a meaning or a message which so touches us that it helps in converging our attention beyond the visible object to the symbol. Most of us would treasure a gift someone dear to us gave us. It is not the object, which is important here, but the giver of the gift. The gift reminds us of the giver. 

I wish we would have some symbols that add meaning and richness to our lives!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

An enabling team !

Among many surprises during this season, one surprise which delighted me most was the discovery of the singing skills of my colleagues in the department.

John played the key board and others sang for the children’s get together. They practiced diligently and on the day of the gathering, they conveyed the message of Christ’s birth effectively.

As I heard them sing, I realised how only when there is an opportunity or need we exercise our residual or dormant skills. One of them mentioned to me that, being able to sing with others, who are musical gave confidence to sing. It is others who give us confidence to attempt what we do not ordinarily do.

I met a student who was not used to acting, but was persuaded to act in a play by his friends to substitute for the one who fell ill after the audition. He took to acting like a fish to the water and received a standing ovation during curtain call for his acting skills.  

Each of us is more able than what we think. While working as a team, others prompt and support us. 

This is the added benefit of friendship. We grow because others free us from the fear of failure and affirm our attempt as good enough. 

Others become larger than their own estimate of themselves, because someone cared to lead them on. An adolescent boy, who was in the habit of percussing the table in the class during the leisure time was noticed by his teacher to be unusually rhythmic and encouraged him to buy a drum set by lending him money. He has now formed a band with school friends and performs for functions in the evening, while  continuing the schooling. He has already repaid half of the loan.

To be an enabler is a calling and a privilege!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Parenting of married children !

Anna and I have had an opportunity to stay overnight with Ruby and Prasad, Amy’s parents, last week end. It was special occasion for refreshing our relationships and staying connected. They live, during holidays in a picturesque spot looking over a range of hills and valley. On a misty morning, the morning view of the valley was breathtaking when the sun casts its rising rays on the green canvas. 

Our time was spent conversing and recollecting. The realisation dawned on us as we listened to each other, how our role as parents of Amy and Arpit  have a new dimension since their marriage. We are often in an accompanying role providing affirmation and encouragement.

The parenting style and content would change from that of the earlier days, once the children are married. At marriage, the bride and the groom would commence on a journey into ‘becoming one flesh’. In this dynamic journey, the man and woman would move away from the shadows of their parents and create a space for themselves to grow in intimacy towards each other. Most wise parents would let this happen voluntarily for the good of their children and support them in building their family. 

The joy of parents who have married children is in seeing their children enlarge the contours of their relationship. As parents we can take delight in the way they make wise choices in their lives after reflection and prayer. The parental role is more of affirming and caring rather than advising or planning. 

The married children would need this freedom to be on their own and follow the call of their life. When that freedom is offered by parents, then the relationship between parents and children shall spring forth into trust and acceptance. It is then giving and receiving becomes spontaneous and mutual, free of expectations or obligations. 

For Anna and myself it was a joyful week end with Ruby and Prasad because we experience a nearness with them that makes it possible for us to jointly accompany our married children. 

Parenting of married children is altogether different from the earlier parenting process! 

I wish there will be dialogue sessions for parents, while they prepare to marry their children just as we have dialogue sessions for children who are preparing of remarriage!  Both parents and children would need new ways of relating to each other after marriage!

M.C.Mathew  

Children reflect adult behaviour !

I am fascinated when children perform in the stage. Some do it naturally and some others do so because of persuasion. One thing about it is that they are always original. However one might coach them, they would depart from what they rehearsed while performing publicly. It is spontaneity which cannot be contained. 

I have often wondered about this nature and source of spontaneity which is more commonly visible in children.  They become themselves because they are mostly free of inhibition and fear of consequences. 

But by the time a child is at school, there is a change in this pattern. Some children tend to be withdrawn, show signs of anxiety, behave fearfully and internalise some experiences as threats or disapproval.

The environment of children in the pre-school years consists of adults. We form their acquired behaviour and displace their spontaneity and creativity. Most adults do not recognises the lasting impact of our harsh words, threats, reprimands and punishments on the psyche of children. Instead of gentle creation which would form their conduct and character, what children tend to receive is imposing presence and intimidatory behaviour of adults. 

I remember, seeing a mother call her three years old son and make him sit in her lap and explain to him why he should not push other children while playing foot ball. She took time and spoke to him gently and thoughtfully. When he repeated the same while playing, she continued the same correction process. The mother told me later that it took her three weeks of repeated correction before he behaved amicably even when intimidated by other children. 

My impression is that, children need three affirming inputs from adults: appreciation of all the spontaneous efforts they take to behave well, response to the instruction process about what is desirable and openness to change when corrected. A senior professor under whom I was trained, once told me, 'encourage a child more and you would have less occasions to correct him’.

Children are born with the prospects of innocence, honesty, spontaneity, responsive behaviour, etc. The opposite of these happen because they imitate what they see and hear. Pre-school children conditioned by what adults do or do not do.

M.C.Mathew (photo and text)