The Log and the Speck

Some would see the open flowers and others will notice the unopened flowers. That is what I heard the children talk abut it.

One five year child asked her father, 'can I have a flower from that bunch!'. Her brother who is one year older asked the father, 'why other flowers are not open!'  

The we way we view situations differ form person to person, mostly influenced by his or her inner orientation.

Jesus of Nazareth spoke about this phenomenon metaphorically, which is narrated in the gospel of St Mathew in the new testament of the Bible in chapter 7, verses 1to 6. 'why do you look for the speck in your brother's eye, when there is a log in your eye!'

After a keenly fought basket ball inter house match in a school, one who was injured with bruises from a fall, was being comforted by his team mates. A boy from the opposite team came to apologise for tripping him. The boy who was injured said, 'I am sorry for stamping on your foot intentionally'.  I was touched by this mutual confession.

As I was walking back home, along the staff quarters, I heard a loud conversation between two adults. One was reprimanding the other for plucking a lime from an overhanging lime plant into the latter's compound. They blamed each other, one for plucking a lime and the other for not trimming the plant from overhanging to the neighbour's compound. It ended up as a unsettled dispute as one of them had a visitor arriving in the courtyard.  

All of us carry logs and specks, acts of omission and commission in our lives. We are as much guilty as others in many matters. It is terrible if we searched for specks in others while there are logs in our lives.   

I like the way a teacher taught some students about friendship. He said, 'everyone is potentially a friend. Sometimes we are not ready and some other times the other person is not ready'. 

I wish more of us would notice the open flowers and not be preoccupied with the unopened flowers! 

 M.C.Mathew (text and photo)

    

Sunshine to our soul

Let me share an experience on gardening. 

One exercise Anna and I went through when we came to live in my mother's cottage five months back was to find plants that we can grow in the garden which would need less water, attention and tending. That is how we came across crotons, which would meet his criteria.

We have nearly hundred of them now, some in pots and others directly planted on the soil. The ones on the soil have flourished well and are adorable for their colour and copious foliage. The colour is at its best when it is exposed to direct sunlight. They would need no additional care or protection  in summer, except regular watering. They grow on their own and are not vulnerable to plant pests.

I receive a message from these plants. They are most colourful when they are in direct sunlight. 

This holds good for those who desire to live radiantly and fruitfully. They would need this given grace of love, patience, kindness and forgiveness. I heard a ten year old girl ask her father, 'why are you asking me to read the Bible every day, that too in the morning and evening'. He replied, 'it is the sunshine to your soul which is what forms your character '.

I asked a teenage group coming from religious families about their habit of reading the Bible. Only two out of 25 did speak of it as a daily habit. 

I wish all of us would welcome this sunshine  by regular discipline! When reading habits decline, and the viewing habit replaces it, we are vulnerable to every voice which is less than sane or sober or wise because entertainment or reporting of the news carry less moral fortitude. We feed ourselves with everything less than, pure, truthful, edifying and transforming. 

Saint Paul, a writer of many books in the new testament had this, to say in Philippians.4:8. 'Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honourable, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things'.  

Thoughts generate our actions. May we wisely invest in sober thoughts!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)       

    

Marketing with sensitivity

This picture is of a shop, in a street few meters away, from the main road in a city. It was early afternoon and all the decoration lights were on. It is  a city which has ten or more hours of power cut each day. All the shops selling clothes were similarly illuminated. 

Later that afternoon an engineer working in the state electricity board mentioned to me that industry or merchandise firms  consume almost forty-five percent of the electricity. Only the rest is available for domestic consumption, agriculture, educational in situations, hospitals, etc.  Some states are chronically power deficient. 

I wondered why this illumination was necessary in the middle of the day! One shop keeper mentioned to me that in a competitive culture every shop has to outdo others. There were about twenty shops selling clothes in that street with even more illuminating lights outside. 

To me, this is one of the direct adverse effects of marketing. It is not the quality of the product that often attracts the customers, but how the products are marketed. 

Marketing has many subtle ways to trap customers. The advertisements interrupting any TV programme, almost every three minutes or so is another example of how they use the media to entice people to buy a product, in superlative language. The truth is concealed, distorted or presented only in part. The marketing technology  is a business strategy and often trivializes business ethics and good practices. 

Let me suggest that with the on line shopping becoming popular, the customers would have an advantage to make up their mind independent of the advertisements. 

The culture of good practices is yet to become the standard practices in many business transactions.  

I wonder whether more of us can give feed back on the un ethical advertisements so that our voice can become a restraint! 

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

A rare sight !

During my school days, we could spot elephants in Timber yards, forest ed areas when trees are cut, temple courtyards, construction sites, circus shows, etc. 

The elephants formed the work force  in many places when it was not easy for a few men to do a job.

So sighting an elephant was nothing special in those days. Children could feed elephants with banana  with no sense of fear. That was sixty years ago.

I am not often conscious, how old I am. Such instances are therefore good reminders.    

This is the first elephant Anna and I spotted in the last five months since we have been living in Kerala. Now elephants are seen only during temple festivals as there are restrictions on their use on other occasions. All elephants are expected to have periods of rest and are no more used in circus shows or as work force. There have been instances of elephants running amuck during their public performances during festivals. So there is greater care to avoid tiring them with too many public appearances. 

As we watched this elephant pass by, we noticed that the Mahout was constantly talking to the elephant. He regularly called the elephant by name and kept pointing out the shops and vehicles passing by. It was the first time I saw this new practice of leading an elephant. This has arisen from the belief that elephants listen and are comforted by human voice. It is a skill to lead an elephant. 

Now that we have had our puppy, Daphney with us, for four months, we too realize how much an effort it is to tame or train an animal. Daphney is most responsive, which makes the experience a pleasure.

These animals in return bring us affection, kindness and obedience. It is as much as we invest in them they would bring cheer to us. It is good for children to have domestic pets, as they through this experience grow up with a caring attitude.

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)     

Children teach a trainee

I had a an unusual interactive evening with some paediatricians and trainees recently. It was an open forum when they decided to ask me questions on my life, learning, hobbies, experience, etc. 

One question which they asked me on my 'way of learning child health ' made me think and recall my learning process. 

From the very early days of my training in the late nineteen seventies, I had teachers, who loved children and spent hours observing children and their play, behaviour, communication and physical signs. A morning round would not even finish by 4 pm as my teachers gave considerable importance to use clinical skills to make diagnosis and plan treatment. 

One night when I was on call duty, I had a child of nine months who was incessantly crying and could not be consoled. At 11 pm I called my consultant on phone, who asked me bring the child to the phone so that she could hear the cry of the child.  After listening to the cry of the child for about ten seconds, she suggested that the infant may be in pain and asked me to look at the ear drum for any signs of otitis media. Lo and behold, one ear drum was bulging. 

My training was largely guided by some broad principles of learning: listen to parents, observe children; consult seniors to develop skills in diagnosis and treatment,   read  from books and discuss with colleagues  for reinforcement of learning. Somehow this gave a good foundation to be clinically comfortable. Although this consumed a lot of time, it grounded me in some good clinical practices.

Another professor used to say, that 'every post graduate trainee need to examine at least hundred children to pick up neurological skills and auscultate five hundred children to be sound in clinical cardiology'. 

A third professor's emphasis was to create in us the art of communication with children and parents. He would tolerate a bloody lumbar puncture tap but not our failure to explain the procedure to a child who could understand. He watched us to see whether we would explain the procedure to a child before an injection was given or veni-puncture  done.  

I enjoined my training, although I was on call on alternate days during the training period, because our teachers enlarged our understanding in novel ways. Our teachers often told us, 'children are our teachers in clinical paediatrics'.

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)  

Medical students and an opportunity

Anna's batch of thirty five medical students of 1968 batch at Christian Medical college, Vellore, now working in about 12 countries,   met for their reunion two weeks back at Pondicherry. They completed forty five years since they joined for their medical studies. They relived, acted, sang and shared their memories during this time. 

I was struck by one common experience each of them shared at the sea side sunrise service Anna organised on the last day. Their lives were formed during their time in the college. The experiences of personal interactions with the faculty,  hostel life, co-curricular and extra curricular activities, chapel services, Bible studies, Class prayers, picnics, prangs... the list was long. All of them gave them together helped in discovering a mission in life. Most of them attributed what they are today, to this valuable formative experience where they watched their teachers at work, in their homes and in public engagements, through which they made their choice to follow the call of of life and profession. 

I was listening recently to a group of medical students, who were almost lamenting for more contacts, interactions and formative experiences through greater exposure to their teachers. I have been disturbed to know that medical education is more formal, class room centred, examination oriented, skill based and success driven. I sensed their anxiety over limited insight into decision making, crisis management, communication, values, good practices, ethics and morals, etc. I suppose even these are taught formally now-a days. But, I remember a senior friend telling me once, 'values are caught than taught'.  

There is a shortage of medical teachers as many prefer to be in full time practice. Even after the retirement age of medical teachers getting extended to seventy years, the shortage is still felt. With another 200 medical colleges likely to be added in the next five years, teachers would be hard to find. 

The medical students are waiting for teachers who would share their lives with them of dedication, calling, self giving, and high standards of ethical practice of medicine.  I have a feeling that we have let down the medical students by not being role models ! It is dis-service to the profession. 

Anna and I have a dream to encourage about twenty young faculty in Medical schools, currently working in India, by accompanying them over a period of three years, to help them to be actively involved in formative engagement with under graduates and post-graduates  If this speaks to you, we look forward to hearing from you.

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)   

Confessions of a twin

It is when I saw these two rose flowers, which are different in colour,  in the same branch and the plant, I was comforted. After all, there can be differences in character, temperament and interests between twins. 

From the time, I can recall, I have had to live with the comments from my parents. 'look at your twin brother. He is more organised, studies well and gets all the awards at school and is most helpful at home'. I knew that I was different from my brother. I am athletic and spend lot of my time in sports. I pass all the exams, and complete the project work on time at school. I am curious and engineering minded. I help at home to fix electric connections or mend taps or repair toaster, etc. Everybody is happy at home when I do this. Soon they forget and start comparing me with my brother when he does something better .

My brother is an avid reader and keeps to himself. I watch TV to update myself and spend time with friends. The differences between are many. We relate to each other well. He understands me and I do in turn. And yet, I feel him being preferred to me at home. 

I get a similar impression at school and among my parent's friends. Not that my parents discriminate me, but they wish, I was like my brother!

I think that both the colours in the two rose flowers are pretty. The plant itself is beautiful because the flowers have two hues of red. It is natural to be different. It is good to be myself. How can I make my parents feel this way!

The rose plant is a messenger to comfort me. Let me be myself. 'I will add colour to your lives as we go along', I keep telling my parents. I am glad that my brother believes me. I n the mean time, I stay grateful to the rose plant for its message to me and the creator God who adds  beauty to everything. 

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Confessions of an Infant

I feel like putting what ever I see into my mouth as that is the only thing I am used at six months of age. I have a taste for milk. I think that other things around me also will have a have a taste. So, I lick surfaces, toys, mouth my hands and feet, and every thing else I can reach.

My mother and everyone else remove my fingers from my mouth or take away anything else I can take it to my mouth. Fortunately they can't take my fingers away! 

I do not usually put a ball or a sound maker or soft toy into my mouth because I learned that a ball can roll, a sound maker makes sounds when I shake it or I can feel the soft toy close to me.  It is when I do not know what to do with objects or toys placed around me that I do the only thing I know since I was born- taste them. 

My mother is desperate to stop me from mouthing my thumb. I cry to let her know that I have nothing else to do when I am awake. There are no  objects hanging on my bed for me to feel or any  pictures on the wall around my bed that I can look at or any picture book that I can explore by turning the pages. 

I lie awake in my bed for hours because all those around me feel that I will get hurt if I am left to move about on the floor. When I cry someone will come to feed me or put me back to sleep. I am not crying for food or because I am wet. I am crying because I am bored with nothing to do.  

How can I lie down on my bed for too long looking at the ceiling. There is not even a fan that rotates in the ceiling that can occupy for a short while because the room is air conditioned. 

I like having toys, people and activities around me. I wish you will make me sit in a chair where I can see all the things happenings in the house and around. I wish someone will have time to talk, sing and touch me. I often feel lonely. 

It is when I feel lonely I pacify myself with sucking my thumb. If I do not get what I need, why blame me for sucking my thumb! Why are you going from doctor to doctor to seek help for my habit which  is only an adjustment process? Try being with me and see how this habit you like the least, would fade away.

I cry, no one notices my loneliness; I suck my thumb, everyone notices me. That is what I wanted.

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)         

The three special A's

Anna has developed a special bonding with Amy and Aswathy since they came in to our life. Amy and Aswathy have become Anna's confidants and consultants. It is a delight to watch this relationship grow and unfold. The telephone calls have become longer and subjects covered wider. There is warmth and trust which is spontaneous and endearing.

Anna's efforts to think inclusively about Amy and Aswathy and their husbands is most touching. 

If it is during shopping, I hear her  say, 'Oh, that is good for Amy and  Aswathy'. During an outing to a nice place or restaurant, she would say, ' I wish children were here'. When we travel in the car during our long journeys, it is common for Anna to recall something special and refreshing about Amy and Aswathy. I have sensed Anna's mother's instinct moving her to relate, affirm and care. This has been a lesson for me to be more gracious towards Arpit and Anandit.

I am touched the way Anna prepares to welcome both the families when they visit us. She knows each person's taste and favourite cuisine. She would make effort to make the visit special for them. I like the way she would convey affection and appreciation to Amy and and Aswathy during such occasions by involving them.  

I realize that an extended family is born as much as the newly arrived spouses after marriage are welcomed with openness and appreciation. I comment Anna for taking the lead and priming me into being inclusive in my thinking. 

We need to bless and let our children 'go' after marriage and we need to 'bring in' their spouses creatively. This is a paradox.  And yet it is central to the understanding the foundations of  extended family formation. 

Many of us would err and slip, but the key to renewed relationship is to be open to receive and quick to forgive. Anna has been an example for me in this leaning journey. I grew up without a brother or sister.  I have new domains to cover in experiencing the dynamics of relationships.

As I write this, Delphine is at my feet. She seems to invite me to play with her. It is also an invitation symbolically to move on in the journey of intimacy within the family.

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)    

   

Never Alone

Ever since we cut the tree in the lawn, on which the root of another tree is placed, we have had less birds visiting the garden. Although we have provided feed and water, the birds do not seem to be reassured.

Aswathy brought a bird's nest yesterday and hung it over the roots to make it more inviting for birds. We hope it would make a difference.

For practical convenience, we had to trim or cut most of the stem of  three trees around the house. Following this, most birds and squirrels disappeared form the garden. 

It is the first time Anna and I are living in a rural setting. The eco-freindly setting is pre-existent in a rural area, where there is an order and balance. We are only getting a feel of this.

One resident of the village mentioned to us yesterday that it is good to allow  some  wild growth around the house as the wild flowers would attract butterflies, bees, honey suckers, etc. We had not thought about this.

There is always something more pregnant in nature more than we can think or know about life, environment, relationships, etc. I watched a cat chase a squirrel. The squirrel located itself at a height and the cat at the ground for a long time, till the cat gave up and moved away. The cat was calm but the squirrel looked restless from its body movements and incessant cheep. Soon three other squirrels appeared on the adjacent tree as if it was an army of squirrels fighting a cat.

A frightened squirrel received accompaniment.

Nature is a resource for adult learning. 

Two butterflies

Anna and I spot butterflies occasionally in the garden where the lantana flowers bloom. But we spotted two of them for a long period today. With Daphney chasing them, it took some efforts to photograph them. 

We noticed something interesting about them. They were both determined to return to the flowers in spite of provocation from Daphney. They surpassed Daphney's tricks.

Even the butterflies have skills to withstand hostility in the environment. 

We were taken back by by the ease with which they stayed on in the garden fluttering over flowers.

We felt introduced to another meaning of freedom through this experience. Freedom is not hindered by what may happen all around us. It is an inner state of hope, perseverance and resilience.

Some people are never free even if they have nothing hostile or fear creating around them. They are prisoners of inner fear or anxiety or their past or future.

I sense through my meetings with families every week, that many among them have settled to live reduced lives without sensing the fullness of life, or the opportunities at their door step. But some have triumphed over intimidating circumstances.

There is freedom only when we can live above the constraints of the environment.  

A working mother said that her husband has been battering her for thirty years after alcohol consumption but she remained faithful and formed a fellowship and support assistance for battered women. She averted divorce, suicide and disaster for children. 

I asked her, how it was possible! With tears, in her eyes, she told me in a sober but affirming voice that she kept reciting in her heart a Bible verse she learnt in Sunday School, 'The Lord is my shepherd, and I shall not want'. Her strength came from this enabling reality of an ever present God, whose love in her life made her a forgiving and reconciling person.

Her husband is currently undergoing de-addiction therapy in the hospital and is already in touch with Alcoholics Anonymous.

These butter flies brought these thoughts of encouragements to our soul.

Aswathy and Anandit are with us during this week end. That brings another wave of encouragement.

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)

Flowers bring fullness

This picture is of some friends clearing the hall by carrying the bouquet of flowers left by the guests, who received them when  they were welcomed for a function. I see this often after meetings. May be I am curious to know what happened to flowers as I rarely see the guests carrying them with them after the meeting. 

Floral decorations are most common for all functions. Guests are happy to receive flowers as it symbolises warmth and hospitality.

Let me suggest some honourable ways of using flowers. 

The cut flowers have a shelf life and some of them remain fresh for a few weeks like the Orchids. In tropics, most flowers remain fresh for three to five days .

What if you decide to have a single flower or a small bunch on your table! Try picking them up form your garden or from the wild growth. They can lift our spirit.

When you buy flowers form the market, choose flowers that you like looking at them. Some flowers are fragrant and shed pollen. Avoid them if there is if anyone in the family is allergic to them. 

Which ever is the source of your flower, have a nice vase filled with three fourth of water. Cut the stem of the flowers afresh before placing them in water. Arrange the flowers according to your taste. Retain enough leaves on the stem and not more as leaves when immersed in water will decay. It is good to spray some water at least twice a day on the petals and leaves to keep them moist. Even in an an air conditioned room it may be necessary. Have the stem cut every day little bit to allow absorption of water from a healthy stem. It is wise to change water every day and rinse the inside of the vase. I avoid putting Aspirin into the water although it is recommended. Take time to look at the flowers a few times each day. Flowers speak. How they speak is most fascinating! 

One day after a difficult meeting when I returned to my room, a beam of light was falling on the flower from a slit in the window and the rose shone brilliantly. I was moved to tears, which was a therapeutic to my soul at that time.  

There are some of us who would prefer to have flowers in the garden and not cut them for table decoration. If, so, get used to visiting the flowers at least twice a day to look at them and allowing them to  look at us. Flowers reach out. 

On one occasion, when I was looking at the flowers in my mother's garden, I watched the flowers sway gently in the breeze creating a musical tone. That was when I was awakened with an idea, what if we have a lawn all around the house! That is what we have now after five months.  

After being used to having flowers on my table for thirty five years, I have a way of saying farewell to them, when they start shedding the petals. I take a few moments to recollect all the messages the flowers brought to me during its time on my table. I receive them as gifts. I remember the hands that tilled the soil and planted the plant, pruned, manured and cut the flower. All of them made the flower to be what it is. I cover the flower in a nice packing and drop it in the basket for disposal. I do it personally as a mark of gratitude for what it brought to my heart. 

Flowers are a symbol of freshness, fragrance and fragility. 

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)         

Dementia in old age

I heard Dr. Mary Ganguly, an alumnus of Christian Medical college, Vellore of 1968 batch, well known for  her research on dementia that affect senior citizens, talk about the emerging scene of dementia in developing countries,   at a CME  at the Pondicherry Institute of Medical Sciences two weeks back. Mary was Anna's class mate for undergraduate studies at CMC, Vellore.

As the survival age of senior citizens advance,about thirty per cent of them are vulnerable to dementing illnesses, that would make their independent living very difficult. Sometimes both, husband and wife would suffer which would be even more demanding. 

What she mentioned in her talk was also about the poor preparedness of the government or NGO's to address this issue. We do not have adequate mental health professionals in India; or community based support system for such a situation; or any active planning to respond to a social challenge that would be a burden on the families and societies.   

 I wonder whether the churches would consider forming an interest group within each congregation to take on board this as a mission. One remedial measure that is often valued to decelerate the process of decline in the mental abilities of senior citizens is, to give them opportunities to be involved  in self care, social interactions, use their creative or professional abilities to the maximum so that they are mentally stimulated, etc. It is difficult to treat dementia, but it is possible to modify the way it progresses by creating opportunities for senior citizens to be involved mentally and socially.

One such provision, is a day care centre where they can come to be socially involved. One congregation that I know initiated this about 20 years back as an activity once a week on a Saturday afternoon. This has become a daily activity, where the volunteers provide an interactive environment for the senior citizens. They do work with their hands, such as making paper bags, knit or weave plastic bags or read to others who have poor vision or help with counselling for those in need or play board games or have animated discussions on topics of current interest. They even visit senior citizens who are home bound or hospitalised. 

I wonder whether we can make this as an activity of each congregation in a Church! What if, we can convert the facilities we have in our church compounds, to offer help for Mother and toddlers, senior citizens, people with special needs, children who are school drop outs, the unemployed, etc.! 

The parable of Jesus of Nazareth of inviting people from the street and by lanes to come to the banquet, when those invited did not turn up, is a good example of the shift of focus we are called to consider while being engaged in  caring- caring for those who are without any means to look after themselves.

Thank you Mary, for your insightful and inspiring presentation. You got Anna and me moving...

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Confessions of a school girl

I wish I had time and friends to play with! I return from school with the school bag of text books and note books. I have home work to complete in five subjects and prepare for tests in two subjects. The tuition master takes two hours every evening. I am not sure whether I get any benefit from this. But I cannot do anything about it as my parents like to do the way all their friends do for their children. I started my tuition classes from the first standard.  I feel I have had no time to explore my musical interest or swimming.

Most of the conversations among friends at school is about clothes, films, film stars, the cars and houses our parents own and the holidays we have. I feel bit sick of the pocket money my friends bring. Some of them spend five hundred rupees on a day on food, clothes, and outing.

I too have been overtaken by this life style, till our domestic helper brought her daughter with her to seek my mother's opinion about her health. My mother was shocked to to find  her emaciated and out of school. She was working part time in a house to support the family who incurred a huge expense for her sister's marriage and dowry. The family was still trapped in debt. 

She was as old as me and it was terrible to think that there was a world outside which denies children  of their childhood.

I took up this matter with my friends. We felt that we were living without any knowledge of other children who were different from us. I felt ashamed that I did not know about my domestic helper's family even though she was working for us ever since I was born.

Two of my friends wanted me to take them to my domestic helper's home. My mother came with us. They lived in a slum without water or electricity supply.  The two school aged children were working to earn an income instead of being at school. The sight of their home and facilities were too shocking for me and my friends. 

It was this experience which made us begin the social service club at school. The first thing the club did was to provide help for five families in that slum to send their children to school, pay up the the debts of two families and help two men to start on de-addiction therapy.

Now my interest has moved away from clothes, films and partying to people. People are too precious to be lost to their unfortunate maladies.

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)           

Confessions of a teenage boy

After a break of a week from writing, let me begin a series on sharing what I hear in my conversations with people. 

Let me start with confessions of a teenage boy in the first person to keep it as close to what I heard.

I have longed for freedom from the strict control of my parents. The first instance was when I was left alone at home when my parents and sister went away for a week end to visit some relatives. I ate, drank and watched on the net and TV what I wanted. 

I did what I wanted. At the end of the week end, after having done what I wanted, I continued to feel restless. 

That is when I remembered, what my class teacher of the eighth standard used to say, 'It is in giving you would find your joy'. I did not understand the meaning of this till, I had an experience of helping my neighbour, who had to travel to a government school five kilometres by bus to reach school on time. He had to change three buses to reach school at 9 am. He left home at 6.30 am. He walked the initial half a kilometre to the bus stand. 

I had got a bicycle with gears as my Christmas gift and the other cycle was lying idle. At the dinner table my mother  read a story of a boy who loaned his bi cycle to a friend, who could not buy a   bicycle to go to school. 

It is then, I realised that I had more than what I needed. I asked my parents, whether I can loan my old bicycle to the neighbour, who too would not be able to buy  a bi-cycle. My friend Ravi since then needed to leave home only at 7.30 to be at school. He spends that extra time, helping his sister to get ready, who has weakness on one side of her body. It became a big help for her mother, who now has more time to take care of the two years old younger  brother. 

I discovered that, ever since this, I have been less restless. I realise that, it is in giving one discovers the true meaning of relationship. 

As I listened to this story of a child and his personal response to a need, I have been made more aware of the unspoken needs of others. How fulfilling and helpful it would be, if we can reach out to others! If we can respond to the unexpressed needs of others, there is even more joy.

M.C.Mathew(text and photo) 

Thirty eight years of marriage

Anna and I celebrated our thirty eighth wedding anniversary day listening and reflecting, while driving back from Pondicherry, after attending the alumni meeting of her class. We  reflected on the different seasons in our marriage. We discovered seven seasons. This was refreshing and encouraging.

The first was the season of preparation, deciding to go through life together. Both of us hailed from different backgrounds, but felt drawn towards each other due to our common interest to be pilgrims on a faith journey. There were difficulties, but they strengthened our resolve to wait to be united in marriage.

The second season was a time of making a choice about our vocation in our professional pursuit, which led us to start the services for children with special needs through Ashirvad. This was  both, a time of unsettlement and finding direction, through which we discovered a new meaning in our togetherness and communication.

The third season was a period of formation spiritually, emotionally and relationally. This became an ongoing experience facilitated through some spiritual disciplines we were introduced to, such as meditation of the scripture and contemplative prayer. It was also a time of major changes and transitions in our lives with children entering their adolescence, relocation at Vellore, needy situation of parents and work related demands. We leaned on to each other even more during this season.

The fourth season was growing in intimacy, trust and mutual dependence. We were enabled by marriage enrichment seminars, life revision seminars and the accompaniment of senior friends. These experiences led us to discover a mission for our common journey in life. We began to be more comfortable to relate to couples and families and to accompany them during seasons of their unsettlement or turbulence. Our home became a meeting point for many who needed listening ears.

The fifth season was finding  a sense of belonging with the wider community of people on the faith journey. This led us to get involved with some organisations and institutions to understand their mission and governance. Both of us developed a new insight about the need of building relationships as a means to share the experiences of our lives. It was during this season we wrote articles, books, etc to give an expression of our understanding of family, parenting, calling, spirituality, etc.

The sixth season was  a period of celebration. The marriages of our sons, welcoming their spouses, and receiving and giving gifts of love made us feel that it was the occasion to go beyond ourselves to feel connected with people of similar calling in life. It became an occasion to recollect, reflect and reaching out to people in formative accompaniment. There was also a need to withdraw from wider involvements and frequent travels to create more family times and set apart times for personal retreats.

The seventh season, which is the current season, is a time of preparing ourselves for a season of creative consolidation and convergence of our shared journey. We are exercised about the stressful experiences that many families suffer from and we keep wondering how we can become contextual to their situations. The pursuit of the theme of health,  healing and wholeness is emerging  as a calling. We sense its various dimensions and are waiting for an opportune way to express our insights.

The initial years in marriage were times of becoming familiar with each other's temperament, behaviour, actions and reactions. There were instances when we disagreed and accommodated each other. As we grew in intimacy, we listened to each other better and attentively to understand the differences and did not have to stay angry or withdraw. Our differences in views or behaviour or choices did not become difficulties, but a means of enlarging the mosaic of our repertoire of resources within marriage and turning them to be our strengths. In the recent years we have had even more enlarging common ground of acceptance, affirmation and trust.

Anna enveloped me with her spontaneous love and this kindled in me growing love for her.
 
Our conversation of summarising our personal reflections on marriage spread over four hours during the car journey. We felt ministered to as we listened and shared.

When we reached my mother's cottage, a bunch of rose flowers were waiting to greet us. The photo in this blog is of that of those flowers. They added more joy of the occasion.

M.C.Mathew(photo and text)