Silence in a relationship

This painting by Max Liebermann, a German jewish painter(1847-1935), whose art work was on display in his family villa at berlin, has aroused within me some searching questions about the way this painter has portrayed a sombre moment between a mother and child. The more you meditate on this picture the more you are drawn in to the mystery of silence. 

Considering that the woman is the mother and the girl is her daughter, it is an occasion in their relationship, when the daughter conveys sadness  and the mother engaging look.  Whatever may be the state of affairs between the two emotionally, one thing is likely that it is a quiet moment in which both are present to each other. Both are captured in a pensive mood with the body contact and posture communicating a distance  between them. 

Some resort to silence as a way of getting over an experience which was stressful. Some use silence to listen to one's emotion, feelings and inner conversation to make sense at a deeper plane. There are others who convert silence to be a time to still their inner being by breathing exercises to feel connected with oneself and the reality of God in one's life. 

Let me suggest yet another dimension of silence in communication particularly between parents and children. We communicate through speech, gestures, other non-verbval communications. When does silence become a means of communication? When words are no more sufficient to convey the profound feelings. It is an occasion, when being still and present to each other in an affirming way is a deep experience when words cannot unfold the feelings adequately.

In a relationship with children this is an essential component to build intimacy. A father recently told me that his five year old daughter would love to come and sit on his lap, when he is reading the news paper. She does this often. There is hardly any conversations between them on such occasions. Obviously the child is seeking to be near her father. Children, depending on their temperament, would want to be close to their parents in silence, when they are disturbed, sad, anxious, or feeling affectionate. 

This aspect of being with our children in silence can to lead to revealing discoveries. A teenage girl, after being with her mother, while her mother was painting a nature scene, broke down to say how she was feeling attracted to her class mate. That led to a most meaningful conversation which helped her to feel supported while she was getting ready to close that relationship.

It is necessary to allow silence to be exercised in our relationship with our children. Parents need to resist too much intrusion by questioning; instead make silence as an occasion to communicate, love and affection so that it prepares children to be drawn into an experience of being protected by the affirming acceptance and presence. Silence can be a prelude or postlude to most meaningful conversations with our children. We can trust silence to be creative enough to deepen relationship with our children, if love is the ambience of that silence.

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)