YEAR 2013

Anna and I would love send you greetings and good wishes on the occasion of the new year for an encouraging journey of life.

This picture presents everything inviting for the festivity of the occasion to usher in the new year.  It is indeed appropriate to do it because life is a gift and it needs celebration. 

However, this picture reveals only a little bit of the interior of a large room, from the outside 

So it is with the new year of 12 months. Whatever may be our age, we would cross one more year in our chronological journey of ageing during this coming year. And yet, all of us would only know very little of the volume of experiences awaiting us as we approach the new year. 

What do we do when we are called to enter the threshold of the new year with very little of it made known to us. 

A child of five years, when he was asked how he would like to celebrate his next birthday, he replied instantly, 'with a pony ride'. 'Why pony', I asked him. He said, 'pony would carry me and I do not have to walk'.

This became a new year message to Anna and myself. We too would like to have an experience of being carried, by trusting Jesus of Nazareth, who said, 'come to me..'' and 'follow me' . This is a good enough reason to trust that everything of the year ahead, beyond the immediate visibility, will work out well for us, as Jesus of Nazareth shall carry us in this journey. I hope we will be able to keep 'trusting', which is our side of the commitment.

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)  

Slot Puzzle - learning by moving

I watched this child at play, when he was enthusiastically engaged in finding the slot for each block, which had different shapes. He took a while before he placed back all the fifteen blocks.  He looked most pleased with himself. He did it by moving the blocks against the different slots till he found the correct slot for that block. He could not have identified the shapes by sight as he was behind  his age developmentally. 

He was learning to post the blocks  by moving the blocks form one slot to the other.

Today being the last day of the year 2012, we need to associate or connect our experiences with their intended meaning, rather than leave them as odd  events in our lives. We need to revisit our experiences to view them from different angles to discover meaning hidden or concealed beneath the obvious. 

I heard this story from a mother, who agonised over her son not getting admission in a prestigious school for his high school education. He had to be content to study in the state syllabus in a lesser known school. But during the five years at school, he did well academically, in sports, dramatics and social service activities. He left the school as the best outgoing student. For five years the mother lamented about his failure to secure admission in the school of choice. Only after her son distinguished himself in the school, she realised that it was good for him to have been where he was. It took her five years to find a new meaning or purpose from her disappointment.

We need to move around our experiences and look at them from different vantage points to get a glimpse of the larger truth.

Our disappointments can be redeeming occasions and our difficult experiences pregnant with meaning beyond the visible.

God of our lives is our anchor because of which every experience can be a path finder for us!  

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)   

A symbol that speaks

This water fountain was a gift from Amy and Arpit at the occasion of our wedding anniversary this year. We treasure it as a good addition to our drawing room.

The sight of flow of water into three levels often fascinated me, made possible by a tiny and silent motor installed in it. It reminded me of different levels or depths in one's life. 

Let me refer to at least three.

At one level we are hearing, seeing and processing all of these often unconsciously. It takes place without any effort form us and we are almost at an impulsive level. We have learned to say, 'fine', to a question, 'how are you'. This impulsive or instinctive ways are most necessary. It is this quick response which helps us to plug the bleeder while operating or apply break suddenly when someone crosses the road in an unauthorised place or reach out to help someone get up from the floor after a fall. I am glad we have such a impulsive skill which does not need much planning or thinking.

The second level is acting thoughtfully or wilfully. If we have a friend who is sick we would plan how to support him or her during that time of need. It is the same skill we employ when we help our children at different stages of their needs. We often reach out even before the need is made known. We sense the unspoken needs and offer nearness and accompaniment. This springs out of, living mindfully of others. This is modulated by an open attitude of orientation towards others. It is a cultivated habit through a growing expansion of the inner self by freeing ourselves from preoccupation with ourselves and our needs. It is this we see in the story of the Good Samaritan. It is this I saw at the children's party, when a child decided to carry with her the two chocolates she got as a present, to give to her friends in the neighbourhood. 

The third level is the way we respond or react those who are critical, suspicious,  cynical oppositional in attitude towards us. It calls for generosity in spirit and character of temperance. I sense that most of us live in conflict prone or  conflict stricken situations in our families, at work place, relationships...This is an engaging and demanding situation in our lives. It is here, we would need more strength and grace than we normally would have. If we are resolved not to precipitate or perpetuate a conflict, then we diffuse the tension. It is a good practice to step back, say less or take time to contemplate, in order feel detached from emotional upheavals and stay committed to be reconciled. What consumes our energy is unresolved broken relationships. Even our sleep is interrupted by disturbing dreams when we carry baggage of anger or mistrust. 

I am glad that this water fountain continues to tell many such stories of the human soul.

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)   

The best thing is...YOU

I picked up this book during my recent travel to  Chennai. The title and the author drew me towards this book. 

The title is unusual and invites attention. Anupam Kher with over four decades of career in acting, directing films, establishing training institutes, public speaking and writing, summarises his myriad of experiences in this book through a personal inner journey. He reveals his discovery of himself beyond his success and failures. The YOU is larger than all the accumulated achievements of fame, wealth, position, impact, et. He or she is created to receive love and share that love.

He did not arrive at this insight easily. He failed in school leaving examination. His parents had limited resources financially. After initial success in acting in films, he ended up being a debtor to creditors as the films he directed did poorly at the box office. He had to live in a railway platform for a while to avoid his debtors. Through it all, he continued his inner journey in self belief that his life has a purpose and mission. 

There are references to different experiences in his life, which unfolded new meaning and insight about life which he shares lucidly in an easy reading format. He writes from his heart to our hearts.  

The presentation of the book itself is rather unusual. Its size is smaller. Each theme starts with a black and white photograph of nature scene which blends well with the text that follows. 

This book can enable the reader to make an inner journey of discovery of 'lessons from life'. This book is a starter for journey into life, which is the only way we shall become 'fully alive'.

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)     

Children speak on class room learning

At a conference held recently at Nagpur on learning issues children face at school, children put up a skit to give vent to their feelings about being forced to learn in one particular way alone. The learning method as of now in the school education system consists of reading, writing, memorising, writing tests  and examinations for performance assessments, etc.

There are children who cannot do well in this system as they are not good in reading, writing or memorising. They therefore suffer because there is very little scope for them to pursue education through the current educational system.

I heard the children discuss between themselves in the skit their feelings about the pressure to do everything at school like the way most students do. One of them said, ' I use a software to dictate to the computer which gets transcribed into a text. Why can't I use this to write my assignments?'. Another child said, 'My mother reads the text book to me and after hearing it read to me couple of times, I can recall it verbally. Why can't the teacher test me orally'. A third child mentioned that 'I lose marks in the tests and examinations, because my spellings are not correct. Is spelling all that important? I use spell check when I write on the computer'.

As I heard this conversation taking place before an audience of few hundred delegates, I felt distressed that children's needs and voices are not alerting the educational policy makers to look at our educational system with an open mind. Some children go to school only to get discouraged because they can't learn the usual way.  

A child whom I met around eight years of age with the above special educational needs had to move to another country to continue his education. He is now completing a master's course in architecture. He learned in his own way and he was assessed differently all along. He received some concessions and personal tutoring to compensate for his lack. He excelled in many areas and was ahead of others in understanding and expression of his thoughts in graphics.

Let me suggest that parents need to develop a supportive role when children struggle with learning rather than force them to learn in the usual way. There are alternative methods to help them to learn and there are several resources available on the inter-net to help in this process.

A child during a consultation told me, 'I cannot read the wall texts in your room. But I can follow all the pictures and photographs. Thank you for remembering children like me when you decorated your room'.

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)          

A meeting !

Delphine and Daffne met for the first time last week. 

Delphine was with us for ten years from her third month. She is now adopted by Aswathy and Anandit.

Daffne is now nearing three  months of age and she has been with us for six weeks now.

Both these pets met with each other, when the families came together for  a holiday.

Delphine is older and yet she was in her usual cheerful and communicating self. However, she was not able to cope with the playful frolicking of Daffne. Delphine was not ready for such an engagement. So they stared at each other and Delphine retreated where as Daffne was persistent. Daffne withdrew after a while when the playful response was not forthcoming from Delphine. They did not seem to overcome the 'stranger anxiety'. This is linked to fear, anxiety and lack of confidence to let go. 

What makes openness between people difficult is anxiety about the unknown. Our circumstances make us set boundaries to defend our privacy, freedom to be ourselves and define our space and rights.  These very legitimate social needs can themselves be counter-productive in building relationships.

Let me suggest that we begin building relationships with openness and trust. Although it involves some risk, it is a necessary first step to find people who can accompany us with their goodwill and friendship. 

We create loneliness for ourselves by our rigidity to protect our space. Inviting others into our inner space and relational space draws us into relationship.

Jesus of Nazareth invited twelve into an intimate relationship. Only one let him down and deserted him. permanently. Others in spite of their slips kept their word to His 'followers'. The world is a safe place to trust each other.

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)     

Write more to stay connected

What is so engaging in a palm held device- which is what all of us use as a mobile phone. When I first saw a mobile phone in use, twenty years back, it was an exclusive communication device like a phone except for it was wireless device designed for use during mobility.

Now it offers the facilities of a music system, internet access, photography, graphics, calculator, alarm, voice recorder, games, video conferencing..... the list is endless.

I had my first mobile phone ten years ago and I have the third one now. I find it useful and and grateful for it. I have found it a dependable asset to access people when I am travelling.

However, it has displaced some good habits I thought I had pursued. One of them was writing letters. it was customary to write about six or more letters each working day for several years, either by typing or hand. Now I do not do that anymore.

In a meeting which I had to facilitate recently on relationships, I asked those present about their letter writing habit. They too had similar confessions to make. 

What do we lose when we do not write letters and only speak on phone. When one writes, we exercise our thinking more actively; use language which communicates affection, care and concern; present what we want precisely and briefly; share news and offer greetings..etc.

During a telephonic conversation, all the above may still happen and even more, especially attentive listening. 

However, telephonic conversations are never recorded or recalled fully. We lose the sense of sequences or evolution or formation processes, as we do not have anything tangible to return to. In a sense we lose  the sense of history when most of what we deliberate is only through phone communications. 

With the telephonic communications and SMSs becoming brief business transactions, we communicate less of our emotions of feelings, pain or disappointments qualitatively. 

I watched these three men engaged in gaming in their mobile phone for about half an hour, with only monosyllables or words spoken between them. They came for an outing hopefully build their freindshp. It became a gaming evening.

If we write less,  we will communicate less !

M.C.Mathew (text and photo) 

Trust at all times!

It was a lovely evening at the Nature park at the Elagiri hills for hundreds of visitors and for Anna, Aswathy, Anandit and myself last Sunday. Even this household in the picture was enjoying the picnic.

But the child with them drifted away to the hedge of the garden  and we watched him standing with his hands outstretched calling passers by to lift him to cross the hedge to go towards the water fountain. But none responded to his request. Who would respond to a stranger's call for help any way! His father rescued him from his failed attempt to cross over.

What was revealing in this drama was this child's decision to ask for help to cross over to the other side. It did not matter to him, that all those whom he was seeking for help were strangers.  

This reveals the absolute trust in people which was resident in this child. It is the adults and parents who change the mind of children from trusting, when we say to them, 'do not trust strangers'. 

I must confess that our environment is not fully trustworthy with all the abuses, adults inflict on children. 

A child is willing to trust, but adults are not trustworthy.

It is unfortunate that  every child  grows up not being able to fully trust his or her parents or adults at home, as we are told by the recent press reports, that maximum number of  sexual abuse of girls take place at home. 

If home is not a place where a child can repose his or her trust,  we are letting down our children badly. Our homes need to be a place where we relate to others, pets, environment, and neighbours kindly building a character of trust and respect.

We may be advancing in our material prosperity, but we are becoming morally depraved as a society. 

Adults, wake up. Let us become worthy of trust !

M.C.Mathew(text and photo) 

The unknown morning walker

I was captivated by the sight of the mountain and valley of the Elagiri hills, last week, on a misty morning, when the sun suddenly turned the gloomy look into a visual feast of clouds gently embracing the summit of the hills. It held my attention for a while. I noticed a movement and bright white spot appearing in the distance, while watching through the telescopic lens. It was a man walking through the fields.

Who was this man! He obviously is a senior citizen, who was barely clothed for a winter morning of 15 degrees celsius. He walked with a stoop, revealing his advancing age. I followed him through my telescopic lens till he disappeared from my sight behind the bushes.

I suspect he was going into the village close by, where elderly people gather every morning at the tea shop for their regular news brief. Many such elderly daily farm workers have made this habit to meet in the morning to exchange news and views. Now with advancing age, most of them cannot work. They still continue meeting at the tea stall. The tea stall provides them tea at a subsidised cost as a tribute to them for being regular customers for several years.

Do they have someone to take care of them at home! Often not, as children have left home in search of better prospects rather than work in the farm for a meagre income. They have to walk three kilometres to fetch drinking water. The nearest Fair price shop is seven kilometres away. The old age pension which the state government provides sees them through for buying provisions for half a month, which they stretch for the whole month, making many suffer form malnutrition. The nearest primary health centre is 25 kilometres away from which they get a prescription for medicine, and not the free dispensing of medicines as the stock of medicines provided for a month do not last even for a week at the hospital.

They live lonely lives. The benefits of globalized economy and the development story are yet to reach them.

I was drawn to salute this unknown morning walker, as such farm workers ares the ones who produce vegetables and fruits in their kitchen garden to provide for the residents and tourists for this hill resort.  

This unknown walker is one among the four hundred million or more senior citizens in this country! Even he matters because, it is to such ones, tending their sheep in the field, came the announcement of the first Christmas two thousands years ago! He too is God's object of love. Has he become our object of love! 

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Quiet presence, but rich in history

Anna and I found this monolith in the hills of western ghat, which is a protected mountain from quarrying.

This large stone is tall by about 20 feet and broad by about 15 feet and weighs several tons in weight. It rests majestically on the hill side. 

This stone tells its story of hundreds of years of its existence and its geological distinctive of colour, shape, size and substance. It is not in any sense  aesthetic to look at it, but its majestic appearance compensates for it. For most people it can be another stone with little consequence. But for naturalists, environmentalists, geologists, etc this stone is a symbol of nature's bounty and history.

Recently a child asked me, while giving a lift to the family, 'why there are speed limits mentioned on sign boards on the road side!' I replied,'The sign boards instruct us for our journey'.

These monoliths are sign boards to instruct us on the history of our environment. The shrubs that have grown, since they were planted five years back on the mountain side, tell us the efforts of forest officials to protect the hill from soil erosion. It is a home for students of Botany to study the shrubs that grow in dry conditions on  a hill side. The students of Zoology frequent this hill side to study the habitat of animals that live and breed here. The students of Geology come here to collect stones to study their mineral  content. The village women come to this place to gather dry wood for cooking. Although cutting or felling trees is prohibited, it happens as we saw bundles of fire wood kept for sale on the road side. One surprising feature of this hill is its several springs which do not dry up in summer because of which the shrubs do not whither in summer.      

 There is so much happening on a 'stony' mountain, making it a significant place historically. I continue to be amazed by such sights that remind us of the richness of all sorts that we are blessed with. This calls for esteeming our natural environment and not pollute, destroy or exploit it.

Prof. Jacob John, who is a nature enthusiast, used to say, that 'every stone is steeped in history. Let us honour its history'

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Children and Family prayers

One of the fascinating events around Christmas is children's singing at carol rounds, nativity plays, carol service, family get togethers, etc. They sing unmindful of the strict musical protocols and how their singing may sound to others. There is spontaneity, joy and communication. I am most encouraged by the efforts their parents take, to introduce children to classical music at a time, when schools are not replacing the music teachers, once the older ones retire.

Both Arpit and Anandit used to be part of Children's choir from about six years of age at Chennai, which was conducted by late Handel Manuel, a musical genius, who loved to lead children's choir. Every time, I hear children sing, my memory goes back to those days, when Anna took considerable effort to introduce both the boys to choral music, Church music, instrumental music and solo singing. It meant spending long hours travelling in the city to go to different places for practice and individual instruction. Both the boys have pursued their musical interests actively and now their spouses Amy and Aswathy are able companions in their musical pursuit. 

What refreshes me most when I hear children sing is the age old tradition in many homes, taking time  for family prayers in the morning and evening. If you were to go for a walk in our village around 5 am, twenty years back, we would hear songs sung by the family during the family prayer. It was lovely to hear  children's voices, although it may have lacked musical quality. The family prayer was repeated in the evenings as well, before supper. Such singings recalled God's presence and reality in one's life.  Children took turns to read aloud from the Bible. That was an introduction to memorising the verses form the Bible. Some families made it as a part of the family prayer.  Children grew up 'with a loving fear of God'.

I am afraid, that many homes are losing the habit of family prayers and with it children are less familiar with hymns, choruses, lyrics, etc and children are mainly listening to film music, pop music, jaz, heavy metal. With the advent of cell phone as a musical gadget, even pre-school children prefer film music.

With family prayer receding as a ritual, there is much we lose out...

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)        

Children recall Bethlehem story

We had a pleasant time of recollection of the nativity scene at the department where I work, jointly enacted by some children of the faculty, resident in the the campus and some differently able children who visit the department for developmental support.

There were some interesting recollections of the nativity scene in this enactment. 

Mary wanted to know how the baby had arrived. Mary was keen to take the doll home. She asked, ' if I am mother, I need to have the baby'. When she was told, that it was a doll belonging to the department, she said, 'then let it be'. The innocence and affections of childhood were explicit in the way she enacted her role as Mary. Her words were an echo of the words of reply of  Mary, mother of Jesus, 'let it be unto me, your handmaiden' when she received the announcement of the angel that she would bear a son.

The girls enacting the role of angels said, 'we have white clothes, but no wings' to which one of the angels said, that, 'we are being made angels, because God loves us. That is why Jesus was born'. It was indeed a confession of their understanding of Christmas story.

The Shepherds had staff but no sheep in the nativity play. So one tried bleating like a sheep. He said, 'it was to let the angels know that they were keeping the sheep, lest they went to someone else to announce the birth of Jesus.' It was a spontaneous expression of expectation of the coming of Jesus.

The wise men, asked, ' will we get back our gifts, as Jesus is always giving loving gifts to every body'. It was indeed a honest longing for blessing from God.

We ended the nativity scene with children telling the story in their version. It was indeed special.  

M.C.Mathew ( text an photo)   

Enabling environment

One of the delights of my work is to witness some unusual sights of child development first hand.

This 18 months old child sprang a surprise by moving from his sitting position to standing for the first time, to the delight of all of us. What may have prompted him was the sight of a ball on the chair and and some other toys in the shelf. His parents were overtaken by joy watching this happen. It looks as though an enabling environment existed for this child to make this transition.

I have often wondered about an enabling environment. Let me share the story of a doctor who went to work in a rural hospital for a period of two years.

This lady doctor went to a hospital which was going through a difficult time with hardly any patient coming to the hospital or the hospital team being proactive to create a welcoming atmosphere for patients. This doctor was given a dingy to room to live in the campus and was assigned no responsibility. She had to hear criticism about the hospital where she was trained. She felt threatened by unknown people knocking at her door at nights. She was discouraged and was about to discontinue her sponsorship obligation to her hospital.

 At the end of one year she got herself transferred to another hospital, where she realized that a new facility to care for babies after they are born in the hospital, was the felt need of the hospital. She designed and created a facility to care for pre term babies after getting necessary advice form her teachers where she was trained. This facility became so popular that babies were referred to this hospital for care from other hospitals. She decided to stay on for an extra year after completing her sponsorship obligation till someone else came to take care of this new facility. After five years, this facility has grown further that the hospital has welcomed a Paediatrician to oversee this facility. A senior doctor who narrated this story to me said, 'She was full of enthusiasm and good will that she won our hearts'. 

I realize once again that, an enabling environment is what will let anyone attain his or her potential. This can happen when we are ready to view people as resources and God's provision.

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)     

Watching a lawn grow

One of the first things we did when we came to live in this cottage, in September, 2012 was  to make an effort to grow a lawn on two sides of the cottage. The ground was not conducive for a lawn as the soil was clayish mixed with fine stones. We tried to remove the stones as much as we could. We used the lawn grass we brought from our garden at Pondicherry. After three months of efforts, we are still waiting for the grass to grow and cover the soil. 

This is the fifth time we are growing a lawn during thirty years of our stay at  Sewagram, Chennai,  Vellore and Pondicherry. Each experience was different from the previous one.  

This time, the challenge of was about the timing of watering the grass. Our domestic helper after she finished her regular work around mid day used to water the grass, when the soil was was hot with day temperature around 35 degrees celsius. The result was generation of warmth on the soil with the sudden cooling of soil with water releasing heat  leading to the drying of the grass. It took over a month for us to recognise this. A gardener who was familiar with soil conditions and humidity and temperature at this season mentioned to us that freshly planted grass is most sensitive to soil temperature and it is better to water the grass early in the morning or late in the evening. This  caution is not be necessary after the grass has taken roots well. 

It is one thing to have a desire or a plan and yet another thing to see it happen. There is a prudent and  'profitable' way of doing what we are called to  do. 

I picked up this lesson from a boy who visited me for consultation. He obviously had learning needs and was struggling to cope with his tenth standard lessons. He worked out that, how much ever he worked, his grade did not exceed 45 percent for the last two years. Instead, he prepared himself to be chosen for teams of school athletics and games, which fetched him individual prizes and team success. This would hopefully make him eligible  him to be considered in the sports quota for higher education. A prudent and 'profitable' way of balancing between studies and extra-curricular activities.

We arrive where we want to,  when we choose the destination and the route to reach it.

M.C.Mathew(text an photo)

Arrival of Daphne

This puppy, whom Anna chose to name Daphne for many pleasant memories associated with that name, is now three months old, and is making us feel young. Her playfulness and keenness to be around us, when we move about in the house or outside has taken us to the world of infancy. 

Infancy of a dog has some common features with that of humans, such as seeking physical intimacy, attention and proximity, communication of needs, interest to explore the environment, fixed rhythm of feeding, sleeping and playing, etc.

A canine infant has a strong sense of infant, affinity for different sounds, instinct to run around and explore spaces and objects, mouthing and biting objects, etc. We are getting used to this. 

What can connect two older people and a puppy of three months! We have been slowing down to a sedate rhythm after coming to live in a cottage in Kerala and getting used to several limitations that we have had to cope with. Once Daphne arrived two six weeks back, Anna and I have lot more running around to do to cope with Daphne's briskness and flightily behaviour. She gets into everything she can reach which made us to make our rooms dog proof. She is ever ready to play, whether fetching a ball or  make us chase her or she wanting to chase us, frolic in the grass or show her tricks to jump up to fetch a biscuit. She would want to rest near our feet while we are at our desk. 

It is good having Daphne around although she consumes time and attention, because we are reminded of the fullness and freedom of life and living. She is care-free and is content when fed, played with and cuddled. 

It is to such an experience of living that we humans are called...  Live fully and freely because we are loved and are in everlasting embrace! A child returns to mother's breast when hungry. We return to God, the giver of life for our fullness.

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)       

A child traps her mother

Anna and I were in a shopping mall, the other day. 

While we were in the grocery section, I watched a child, around three years of age, picking up chocolate bars, one each, in her hands from the display shelf. Her mother allowed her to have one and placed the other back into the shelf. The girl returned to the shelf, to pick up two more, while her mother was busy doing her shopping. 

She opened one and started eating it, while holding two others in her hand. Her mother was furious when she noticed this and grabbed the two unopened ones from her hand and placed them back in the shelf. The girl returned to the shelf to fetch one more. At the cash desk, knowing that her mother was occupied with paying the bill and packing her bag with the purchase, the girl ran back to get a packet of  chips and held it behind her back. It was bordering to shop lifting.

As the mother was leaving the cash counter, this girl kept keeping her hand behind to hide the chips and the unopened chocolate bar. Although mother was furious, she gave in probably to avoid an embarrassment as some were watching this drama.

The girl got what she wanted, although, I felt that the mother was exasperated at the end of this.

What did not happen all through this difficult scene was any conversation or reasoning or bargaining or contract between the child and the mother. The mother insisted on compliance and the girl got away with what she wanted. I suppose both were losers in one sense. The mother lost to the manipulative skill of her daughter and the child lost sympathy from her mother.

What can parents do when a child is subtle and non-compliant! I wish the mother had stopped for a while to pay attention to her daughter and arrive at a consensus! 

Let me suggest that it is when parents do not offer enough time to their younger children, they resort to manipulate and control. 

Take time to know your child and his or her needs. That is how we contribute to their formation. 

M.C.Mathew(text)     

He preserves history

I came across this craftsman while visiting an office, who was binding print outs of all the correspondences,  accounts, back issues of journals and magazines, etc. He does this regularly for about 100 offices, colleges, and other institutions in Chennai city. He has been doing this for over forty years , while his father did it for seventy years. None of his children like this job and he fears that this craft will stop with him. 

He liked the way his father turned the worn out journals into good looking and readable by binding them attractively. One of the colleges, where he does this binding work has a large library, which is considered to be having journals form early nineteen hundreds. I remember visiting section of that library, where back issues are preserved. The bound volumes of back issues looked visually most impressive. That was his inspiration to continue this job after his graduation.

He has a sense of history. He has a personal collection of news paper cuttings of history of Chennai. He has a collection of currency notes form 1900. He has a display of cutting machines used to cut papers in his binding work, at his home. 

He does not earn a great deal. His two children are employed and married. He therefore has no financial commitment towards them.

He uses his leisure time to to help his wife who takes classes at their home for children, who have learning needs. He helps some of them in developing skills in drawing and paper craft.

I found talking to Shankar most helpful. He lives a content life and is rooted in his family. He has a sense of history and he binds books to preserve history. He lives mindful of others. He has high standards for himself in his work.  What a visional mission!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Traditional beliefs versus facts

I was at a meeting recently which got prolonged by long presentations. I moved out of the hall to have a break from prolonged listening.

At the foyer, this toddler was playing with the lid of the waste basket and enjoying the swinging movement of the two flaps. He was oblivious of some of us watching this, including his mother. After about five minutes, his mother took him away to the courtyard. But he insisted to return. His mother finally gave in. 

As a developmentalist, I watched his dominant handedness, which was left. I was impressed with his dexterity, co-ordination, attention and exploratory instinct. His was an activity which any toddler would do if the activity offered a  feel of novelty to the child.

However, I overheard some adults commenting about his left handedness. They spoke about it as if it is not good enough for a child. They had a discussion about how awkward it is to be left handed. I felt disturbed by the 'arrogant' and 'small mindedness' of these highly educated professionals, who lost sight of the immense visual feast the toddler offered, by his dexterous activity of engagement and exploration and became pre-occupied by his preference for using left hand as a dominant hand. 

This mindless comments which parents, teachers and others offer to a child who prefers to use left hand for daily living activities, can confuse a child emotionally and behaviourally. When his brain has conditioned him to be left handed, it is good to accept him or her as someone who belongs to the group of about 20 percent of child population who would be naturally  left handers. The exception is if the left handedness is because of any weakness of the right hand, in which case we ned to look at differently.  Otherwise any attempt of the adults  to change this, is a disservice to a child neuro-developmentally. 

We need to accept those who choose to use left hand by choice as normal and not as an exception. Let us encourage adults to bury the social taboos associated with this.  

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)     

Friendship of thirty five years

Anna and I had an opportunity to meet with some dear friends in December 2011, whom we got to know when we lived in Nagpur in the late seventies. During our time together, we had an occasion to recall  some of our shared experiences of the earlier times. We met infrequently since we left Nagpur in 1980, although there were some regular contacts on phone.  

We discovered during our conversations, three aspects of our friendship. 

Our friendship was founded on trust. Unknown to each of us the reasons for this, we were drawn towards each other in a simple mutual trust, which gave us a sense of acceptance and belonging. When we got in touch with each other, we listened to each other and related spontaneously, easily and confidently. We were drawn into an atmosphere of comfort and cordiality because we received each other gladly and unreservedly.

There was a quality of honesty in our conversations, briefing and debriefings. We did not feel the need to cover up anything or conceal what was taking place in our lives. We felt at home because, there was an ambience of celebration and intimacy in our conversations. We heard each other as those who were  a common journey of life, but  with different discoveries from our journey. We felt enriched by the different insights from life. Our openness helped us to be refreshed by other's stories.

We were bonded through mutual respect. This was a moving experience. Our backgrounds, choices a and perspectives had undergone significant changes, but that did not create distance between us. There was a deep sense of regard and value we conveyed to each other. There were no issues to argue about. We found ourselves respect each other easily because we have had something or other to learn from each other.

Not that we have not had difficulties in this journey to relate to each other, but viewed them as transient and inherent to any relationships. We resolved in our hearts to regard the differences as a sign of individualisation that accompanies personal growth. This freed us to enlarge our relationships in greater appreciation of changes taking place in our lives.

This friendship with Sathu and Pushpa (not in the picture), and Jimmy and Annie have been most valuable and formative in our lives. Friendships mature over a period of time. There is a vintage value to such friendships.

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

   

Another paradox

This wall poster conveys a paradoxical reality. How can anyone who feels lonely reach out to others to  overcome loneliness!

I had a family of two children with multiple needs share with me how they are in touch with two families who have children with even greater needs. This family has children from the two other families spend one after noon with them every week, to let them have a time of respite and an occasion to find time for themselves. 

I enquired, how they thought of offering this help to their two neighbours. The mother mentioned to me that, ever since they relocated in this new locality for the last two years, they have felt lonely and isolated. Having waited for others to visit them or take an interest in their affairs, which did not happen, they decided to reach out to others who too may have been lonely like them. It was when they were going through lonely experience, they remembered others.

This paradox brings a new dimension to our understanding of human behaviour. It is in caring for others, we would feel cared for; 'It is in giving, we receive' ; it is by befriending we would  receive friendship. It is by reaching out, we would displace our loneliness 

A friend sent me a greeting card when he was feeling very low. He mentioned that it was the opportune time to remember others because, in  so doing he was taking steps to attend to his loneliness. It is not others who are responsible to rescue us from our desperate situations, but we ourselves, by taking small steps which are still feasible.

M.C.Mathew(text and photo) 

Give a new meaning

This is a wall poster I came across at a meeting place, where three thousand students were to meet for three days to celebrate the 'year of faith'.

While 3G gets automatically associated with the 'scam', which has been in the air for over three years, it was refreshing to see how 3G was reinvented to communicate a positive message of hope and prospects.

I am afraad, that suspicion, cynicism, negative perception or discouragement have coloured our optic in India for a while. There may be enough legitimate reasons for that. Even the suspension of Indian Olympic Association from its membership of the international olympic body is yet another reason for us to be anxious about the way responsible people in leadership behave in this country by disregarding norms and practices.

However, we need to view life beyond all these disappointments or set back. 

The message of Christmas is that 'the government shall be upon His shoulder'. We need to bring this good news in every situation of pain, brokenness, helplessness and strife. 

I watched a group of young people on a procession yesterday with posters reading, such as 'Christmas brings peace'. There is a need to call people to trust and believe. After all, what surrounded the first Christmas event was mass murder of boys under two years of age, under the instruction of Herod. Jesus triumphed over worst of circumstances. 

I wish we will be encouragement and support to each other during this season of Christmas, because we are followers of Jesus, for whom peace was a mission, and reconciliation was a vision.

As I get up hearing the songs of bird every morning, I am awakened to the reality that, God inhabits the earth in which case, His peace is still present with us.

M.C.Mathew( text and photo)

Joyful memories

Anna and I was looking back at our life at PIMS and many pleasant memories returned  to  us. 

One such memory was the frequent visits of students to our home. This picture is of one group who came to our home carolling on 14th December, 2011. We used to have students meeting at our home for Bible study for a season. We had foster students dropping in regularly. There were some who offered to look after Delphine when we went away on week ends. Anna had a group meeting at home for Bible club. We had celebrations such as birthday parties at our home... our memories are flooded with gratefulness for many acts of kindness and love we received from many students during our time at PIMS.

We are getting to know the students at MOSC Medical college. We attend their weekly Bible study and look forward to having more contacts with them. Anna is already receiving acknowledgement from students for her creative teaching. We look forward to enhancing this contact with the student community. 

One challenge to all of us, who are occupied with our long hours of work is, 'how much of time we create to build relationships'! If we live by moving from one activity to another and not spare time to relate to people at a deeper level, we can suffer from an inner void of affection, love and kindness that others can add to our lives. This is one way of living with inner fullness- allow others to bring goodness into our lives.

We know of a senior couple who would have neigbours come home for post dinner coffee and cake to offer and receive friendship. 

Blessed are those who have time and space for others !

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

The origin of fear

I have have had a special interest in photographing children's faces, particularly of pre-school children. Their faces communicate their inner state. As adults, we have mastered the art of concealing or camouflaging our inner state.

As I watched this infant showing his anxiety when he was photographed I grew curious to enquire from the parents occasions when he shows such a facial expression. They mentioned to me several such occasions. 

One such occasion was when he watches the Television. He would cry, hold on to his mother or would insist to move away from the room. He is fond of music. So it can't be the audio in the TV that makes him anxious. 

The parents also noticed that when he saw police men on the street or in the television, he would scream. 

The mother used to tell him, when he was hesitant to eat food, that she would tell the policeman if he would not eat. He would soon cry and eat.

The mother confessed several such instances, when she would use threatening statements to make him comply with what she wanted him to do such as, 'the doctor would give an injection, if he diid not stop crying' . It was night a mare for her to take him to hospital as she would cry, the moment he sights the hospital or doctors with white coats or stethoscope.

It is likely that adults infuse fears or anxiety to children and they  stay with them. We need to present the world around us more pleasantly and consolingly to children. What freezes a child emotionally is anxiety. What liberates a child is confidence and clarity so that he or she grows up with a true estimate of realities around.

I know of a couple who would let their daughter stroke a pet dog, in order to allay any fear of a dog. However they would not let her do it to a stray dog. This the principle for childhood primary learning experience. To present the environment to a child in its true perspective.

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)   

Think about our share

I often come across campaigns to promote ecological consciousness. There is a call for forestation, reducing emission of air or water pollutants, preserving lung space in towns and cities, planting saplings, recycling of waste, reducing use of plastic bags, etc. This is a timely reminder to a consumerist society, which uses the natural resources without pausing to think about the effects of mindless consumption on themselves and the future generations.

I come across its impact upon families and children who come to visit  for consultation. I enquire from families if they have sufficient space for children to play in the neighbourhood or at their schools. The commonest answer is 'no'. They mention that the available spaces are being used for building complexes for housing, commerce or adding to the school facilities.

The trees cut for widening of roads, construction, etc are expected to be compensated by planting new saplings, which is followed by some and not by others. We are gradually losing our tree cover  sometimes at an alarming rate. It is when we visit places that we were used to frequent, we would notice how bare the place looks without the trees, which were cut down.

I came across some examples of promoting the concept of 'green earth' in  a school. The teacher demonstrated how news paper can be used to make paper bags, which then can be given to provision shops to dispense goods to consumers. The school supplies bags to three provision shops and with the income form this project, the school is developing  a butterfly park.

The patients who stay in the hospital are encouraged to make a paper bags, which has almost replaced the use of plastic bag in the pharmacy.

The challenge is formidable. Le this not deter us form making a small start. Think of recycling; think of preserving the green earth form any more exploitation.

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)      

I am waiting for you..!

I usually let children who visit me for consultation to play with my diagnostic kit if I am sure, that it will be safe in their hands. I have not had any accidents in the last thirty five years.

What engages me is that some children are insistent to have my kit than play with attractive toys which are prominently placed in a toy shelf in the room. I still have not figured out why this is true of only. 

I have had some more insights about it this week, when parents directed a three year old child to the toy shelf and sat with the child to play with the toys. The moment they stopped playing with him, he returned to my kit. He wanted to imitate the way I used the kit.

Between two and three years, most children have  a fascination for what the adults are fond of or use regularly. Children at this age would look for an opportunity to get hold of the make up bag, cell phones, pens, writing pads, etc which the adults use. Most children would explore the vanity bags of their mother and the brief case of the father. If denied an opportunity, they would defy and still do it.

This is an exploratory instinct driven to enter into the adult's world. Most children between two and three have fantasies, imaginations and dreams to be like their father or mother do what they do. They fulfil that aspiration by trying to do the way adults would do, to actualise their fantasy.  

An ideal way to let children grow into expanding their imaginations is to invite children in to share in the adult's experiences. However, if the adults think it is done by giving them the cell phone to play with or use computer indiscriminately, or watch the serials in the TV, meant only for adults, then we are skipping an important phase in their developmental process. 

What children need would be the time of adults for nature walk, outdoor games, picnics, visiting places of interests for children like science, park, beach, zoo,etc., read stories which can help children to be anchored emotionally and morally, engage them to make things that unfold children's imagination such as a tree house, swing, etc. This creates a shared experience through which parents and children learn and get to know each other. This is how children who are occupied experience their formation!

When the parents tried to stop the boy from playing with my kit, he retorted, 'I am waiting for you to play with me'.

Waiting children and missing parents!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)          

Memories are formative

This photo represents the facial gesture of a nine month old infant who is about to mouth his hands. I was captivated by the pleasure of  the anticipated self indulgence, this baby communicated for a few seconds on his face. With the mouth wide open and the hands about to reach the moth, there is a mischevious delight on his face.

Do infants at this age retain the memory of an earlier experience! This delightful expression suggests so. 

If it is so, there is a need to engage  parents to help them to communicate to infants soberly, lovingly, affirmingly and intimately. 

I have had three children brought for consultation recently, for some adverse effects following physical injury they suffered during infancy, due to angry outbursts of care givers. It is the first time in my clinical practice, I come across undisputed evidence of 'battered baby' state. I consulted senior and junior colleagues to confirm if this happens where I work now. They suggested that parental behaviour towards infants is changing as most parents go through stressful times. When a baby cries incessantly and both or one of the parents have had a difficult experience at home or work, it is not 'uncommon' to pinch or slap a baby. This has shocked me.

There is a need to bring the focus back to the psycho-social behaviour of infants. Their memories of experiences of first year of life are long lasting. A baby responds to affectionate ways of interaction with equal or more reciprocity. All the infantile experiences are first time experiences. We can prime an infant to have a happy or anxious predisposition depending on how and what we convey.

An eighteen months old baby is used to crying desperately when she watches a dog physically or in pictures. While probing into the past experiences, the mother confessed that, she used to frighten her daughter when she was hesitant to eat, by casually saying to her that the 'neighbour's dog would bite if she did not eat well'. This has stuck with her and any sight or mention of a dog provokes her into crying. 

Let us fill the lives of our infants with as many pleasant and affectionate experiences as possible. Not that we can eliminate painful events, but we can protect infants from being victims of our anger, irritation or impatience.

Parenting of infants (children under one year of age) needs further understanding and responsive action from all of us. They will become what we envision them to be!

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)           

Make learning an interactive habit.

This is a greeting I received last year for the Teacher's day from one of the medical students. I have visited this quotation often during the last year. It is an inspirational quotation.

I have been a teacher in five  medical colleges during the last 25 years now. I look back at many events which have shaped my life for which I am grateful to my colleagues and students. 

A teacher is a co-learner with students. The students facilitate the learning journey of a teacher.

A student once came to me while I was at the Mahatma Gandhi Institute of Medial Sciences, Sevagram to tell me that many children in the village that  he came from, suffered from Measles and some had died. It was the year 1976. The Measles vaccine was expensive and was not part of the National Immunisation Programme. I talked this over with Dr. Ulhas Jajoo, a class mate during my under graduate days at Nagpur, who was also in the faculty at MGIMS at that time. Jajoo was contemplating to start a food grain based insurance programme for village folks to help them to get subsidised health care at the hospital. Each family would have to give their premium of health insurance at the harvesting time as grains, which would be stored to sell back to the villagers at the cost price, form which the insurance premium in cash would be deposited to the hospital.  Jajoo was more than glad to include Measles immunisation as part of the insurance package. That was the starting of a life saver for children from Measles in some villages around Sevagram.  

It was a student who challenged me; it was his observation and social passion which set in motion an intervention plan. 

This form of student- teacher interaction is most critical to make medical education a corporate learning experience. Teachers need to be contextual, relevant and effective. The students, who are primary learners can lead teachers to make learning a growing and enlarging experience for students.   

Students influence the teachers to be thoughtful and gentle; teachers mould the attitudes and values of students. Both are interactive experiences, which alone can make medical education process life-centred and not just disease centred.  

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)    

Conversations that upbuild

There are some special moments of communication between a parent and a child and this is one such occasions. It is a delight to watch such occasions. 

The mother was talking about going back home in the bus to play with his tricycle. This boy loved travelling in bus. While back at home he enjoys being pushed around in his tricycle. It is recall of memories of pleasant experiences between the mother and the child, that brought this joyful communication.

This gives an indication how relationships can be sustained and refreshed in a family setting. I have been making enquiries from families about their habits of family conversations. Most of the conversations are about events, difficulties or plans and much less of pleasant experiences or anecdotes. A lot of conversational times are around dining table, while watching TV or while travelling. 

There are few families who have dedicated conversational times during which times, each member of family shares memories of happy occasions, remembers others gratefully for their support during specific times of needs or narrates stories or anecdotes which brought encouragement. Such occasions contribute to grow in intimacy between members of the family  and create space for communication and upbuilding each other. One good story or pleasant experience invokes others to narrate similarly. 

We live and relate to a world of many conversations, presentations, arguments, accusations and conflicts. They unsettle, confuse or intimidate us. We need to speak to others to convey love, affection, appreciation and gratefulness. It is this which creates a fabric of character of mutuality and interdependence within  a family. This makes us more humble, less critical and grow in appreciation of others. 

We are under obligation to prayerfully seek ways to promote tolerance and collegiality in an atmosphere where competition, drivenness for success and self seeking have become acceptable social norms. 

It is children of today who would later decide the social character of communities. Let them listen to stories of gladness that would encourage them to flee from cynicism and trust the world to be their 'home'!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)