Twenty five years and more-1

Anna and I have begun recollecting, some senior friends, whom we have known for twenty five years or more, whose presence on our lives have enriched us and blessed us. 

Katherine and Peter are friends who have touched our lives in some tangible ways. Their home became became a place of rest and respite for us during our holidays for about twenty years. Katherine visited us thrice during these years, twice at Chennai and once at Vellore.

Katherine is an author and penned the story of Ashirvad, in two book forms: 'Beginnings' which tells the story of our time at Chennai and 'After the beginning', which is a summary of time at CMC Vellore(which is yet to be published). 

Peter is an architect of some outstanding work to his credit in different parts of London. He and Katherine lived most of their married life on the banks of river Thames, enjoying the freshness and novelty of river side living. 

Their love, faith and hope have given us much anchor. They live full lives relating to their children and grandchildren, extended family, members of their church, neighbourhood friends and others who they got to know during their years of professional involvement.

We have been touched by their joy of living and a simple and creative living.     

Jungle instincts and human behaviour

It is only occasionally we spot a wood pecker in our garden. I stayed home yesterday to attend to some pending repair work and was delighted to watch the habitat of different birds in the garden.

It was when I heard the rustling of leaves on an adjacent tree, I turned to notice a wood pecker being chased away by two squirrels. I have noticed three pairs of squirrels who frequent the garden to feed on the honey from  the banana flowers. The foliage of the tall trees provides them a setting for romance and so they multiply.

The wood pecker was finally exasperated and settled on a far away tree trunk. 

The avians teach us a lot about jungle life. It is survival by outwitting, avoiding, and escaping. It is highly competitive and turf driven. The birds establish their turf and hold on to it fiercely.

Although they are primitive instincts of behaviour, humans have retained them, although we claim ourselves to be civilised. 

One of the flourishing businesses in the towns near to where I work is imaging services. Most doctors receive a commission from the imaging centres and the imaging centres compete among themselves to attract more imaging requests by increasing the payment of commission to the doctors. As I listen to such stories from families who visit for consultation, I realise that human behaviour is beyond any legislative control. No law on ethics can dissuade us from our habits. 

But examples of living by conviction can help in influencing others to think and behave differently. The auto driver who takes us to work, when we do not want to drive to work, is a dependable and careful driver. He told me that his mission has been to restrain his co-auto drivers from drunken driving. He has almost succeeded with all of them by his example and persuasive influence on them.

I wish, many of us would regard human formation as a mission in our life!

M.C.Mathew(Text and photo)  

Fundamentals are seminal

An Abacus is a learning companion to children. In Japan it is the at the heart of helping children to develop mathematical concepts and arithmetic proficiency. It is a fundamental tool in integrating knowledge on numbers and their applications. The engineering and innovative genius ,the Japanese have, seem to have developed began from disciplined activities of the mind from childhood, one of which  is  training children to use an abacus from early childhood.

Let me share something about the symbol, an abacus is to our understanding of fundamentals of human behaviour.

A child uses an abacus motorically, visually and cognitively. Learning is reinforced as three domains are integrated in this exercise. 

Human behaviour is a creation of personality, which is both inherited and acquired; humane experiences in childhood which form a person's character and intimacy of relationship with stable care givers. 

I have been fortunate to meet a middle aged person, who helps us by doing odd jobs in our cottage, who narrated his childhood story to me today. His father had a meagre income, but he talked to them, took them to the stream for a bath and played with them foot ball, with ball made by rolling paper together. His mother was a good cook. But all that she could provide was one rice based meal and the two other meals were made from tubers such as tapioca, which is even today the cheapest source of starchy food. The three brothers, he has, were friendly to each other and cared for each other, which continues even today. 

As he shared his story of his humble beginning and the present struggle of making both ends meet, (his wife is admitted in a hospital for fever for the last two days), I realised that his honesty, caring spirit and   friendly disposition originated from his formative experience.

I write this on the eve of the city of Boston of hunting for the suspects of the bomb attacks two days back and a five year old girl battling for her life after she was sexually assaulted in New Delhi. 

As we listen to such intensely painful stories, a question surfaces in our minds, 'where are are heading behaviourally as a humanity?'

Children suffer nutritionally, emotionally, socially and morally in many parts of the world. As adolescents or young adults they show forth reactive and resentful behaviour due to the stress and trauma they suffered earlier in life

The head master at St Thomas High school, where I completed my schooling, late Rev. P.C.Cheriyan, used to say,'love children and instruct them well', which he did extremely well. He gave  separate audience to some of the students, to help them to reflect on their acts of commission and develop good behaviour. One such student who is a leader of some repute now, who benefitted from this mentoring from the headmaster, said to me, 'Rev. Cheriyan gave me roots to belong and wings to fly'.

To me instruction, reinforcement and correction and living examples of who 'walk the talk' are seminal for human formation.

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

        

Our skills, our strength or weakness!

There is an increasing skill, aggression and techniques photographers employ now- a- days. 

I was recently attending a baptismal service at an ancient church. There were three photographers and two video graphers in attendance. 

If I go out with my professional kit to any public occasion, the official photographers would dissuade me to take pictures by obstructing my views or pushing me aside. If I carry my amateur camera, no photographer would normally worry me. 

Now I have an amateur looking compact camera, but almost professional in quality, which most photographers do not recognise fortunately.

I had a conversation with one of the photographers(not the ones in this photo) after the baptismal service, during which he noticed that my compact camera was indeed an advanced one, which can give professional quality picture. He spread his discovery to other camera men following which I had immense difficulty to get any good shots, as they were determined to obstruct my view and access.

Now that I have observed this several times, I presume that this is a professional habit, photographers develop towards amateurs. With cameras available in cell phone, i-pad, lap tops and regular cameras becoming affordable, amateurs produce almost professional quality pictures, which threaten the professionals. It is true that many professional camera men have to be competitive to stay in the profession. 

Let me suggest that our skill is also our WEAKNESS just as it is also our strength. If our skill were to make us proud, intolerant, arrogant, or possessive, we gradually loose the regard from others, that we deserve to receive.  

I am aware of younger professionals in medical profession becoming preoccupied and self-promotional of their skills that, it becomes almost boastful and imposing.

It is good to view our skills in humility and graciously. 

I knew late Dr, Ray Windsor, a cardio-thoracic surgeon from Newzeland, who lived in India for about two decades. It was only accidentally I found out that he was an acclaimed concert pianist, well known in his country. On one occasion when he played the piano, he surprised us with his skills. Even then we had not discovered this. 

Our skills become a virtue, when we relate to them lightly and gently, and use them only for the service of others.        This is a challenge to us, when we are tempted to project ourselves, even while submitting our CV for a job search.

Let our skills be subject to our will and spirit!

M.C.Mathew.(Text and photo)

           

Pop corns in the circus tent

As Anna and I passed by this circus sight, many memories of the childhood of Arpit and Anandit flashed in our mind. They both loved seeing circus performances. We spent most of their childhood years at Chennai. Every year we had at least one  circus company camping in the city for about two months, mostly during the winter.

Amidst the excitement of watching daring and captivating acts and performances, it was also pop corn time for the boys. Some how, the pop corns tasted better when bought from the vendors inside the circus tent.  

It was an unusually refreshing conversation time. Both boys viewed the performances from different perspectives. One admired the adventure of the activity and the other the logistics which made the performance exciting. I knew then that they were 'wired' to think critically and differently. 

There was lot of fun and unwinding from the routine while watching the performances and afterwards. This gave topics to talk about at meal and travel times. I remember now that it was common to talk about the same topic several times, but each time on different aspect. Children need sights and experiences to think, reflect and converse. 

The boys grew up without Televison or phone at home. Computers had not become affordable by then. I am not sure whether it is a compliment or a deprivation! So it was the table top games, out door games, picnics, excursions, visiting family friends, going for music concerts, etc. which occupied the evening times. Even travelling together in a Bajaj Chetak, Anandit seated between Anna and myself and Arpit standing on the foot board was fun, although I am sure that we would not have done  it, had the traffic conditions then, are what  they are  today.  

Anna was always child centric as a mother and I wanted to honour her prompts and directions. Her commitment to promote reading habits in the boys stands out in my mind. Every free time was spent in reading, including while travelling in the car or train.

Childhood is not just a passage time through growth and developmental stages, but a time given to parents to foster communication, endearing relationships, trust , character formation, self esteem, values, etc. 

Most of this can happen when we offer them diverse contexts when all of this can be explored informally. That is how we sow seeds of these lasting formative experiences in their lives. 

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)                

Burdened women

Some things I observe, during my association with families in connection with my work  have disturbed me. 

One of them is the extra burdens, women have to carry to support the family and care for their well being. 

A mother of three children told me the other day her story, when I wondered why she delayed seeking help for her third son who has been finding class room learning difficult for the last three years. 

She gets up at four in the morning and starts with cooking to get break fast and lunch ready for the three children. She then irons the clothes for the children and polishes their shoes. By then her mother in law would need her attention as she is mostly bed bound. On most days the domestic helper comes only after children leaves for school at 7.30 am.  The time after children left for school is equally demanding with her mother in law needing attention for her bath, dressing, mobility. feeding, etc. She has her break fast around 11 am and leaves for shopping after that. On her return she has to to get ready for the evening meal.Once children is back by 4 pm she is fully consumed in helping them for their home work. Her day ends only by 11 pm. 

Her husband has a demanding work which keeps him away from home for about 12 hours. Although he is most caring and considerate, his schedule and pressure of work leaves him fully occupied with little time even during week ends. 

The last holiday they had as a family was three years back. They are fully occupied with the routine through out the year. 

Most of the stories I hear from families give a sense that women are burdened with responsibilities at home. An employed mother would have even more demands on her time and attention. 

I have a suspicion that women endure the challenges and the men folks at home do not sense the intensity of the burdens women carry. I suspect that men spend more time  watching television than offering to help their spouses at home with domestic chores. 

I watched a husband walking in the front followed by his wife carrying a child in one arm and a travel bag in the other hand.

I wonder whether the men folks regard their spouses as equals and companions! That will be the beginning of shared living and a journey towards  the 'two becoming one'.

I come across instances when men make efforts to support their spouses and reach out to them with special attention. While walking in the corridor of a hospital in the middle of the day, I met a friend in casual attire. I asked him, 'are you not at work'? He said that he took leave for one month to be with his wife who was due to appear for her post graduate examination shortly. He has taken full responsibility for house keeping and taking care of their two year old daughter.  

This suggests the prospects for change!

M.C.Mathew (text and photo) 

Attitudes promote neuro-plasticity

Two friends whom I have known for years developed two different attitudes to face the cluster head ache they suffered from. Both received neurological help and took medicines as and when needed. 

One persisted with all the medical advice and still has recurrent attacks of headache after ten years. He lives with some anxiety about the next relapse. Sometimes he would need 48 hours to recover fully. 

The other learned 'adaptation skills' to increase his threshold for pain and used some principles of cognitive behaviour therapy and self training to alter his attitude to head ache. He carries on with his regular rhythm even when he has an attack of headache, which is infrequent. He mentioned to me that his brain is getting re-educated to pain tolerance through his mental attitude and self-regulation. 

I had not fully understood this principle in brian development, till I read this book two years back, whose front cover is reproduced here, 'The Brain that changes itself'. The author suggests from a large volume of personal experiences that, 'our thoughts can change the structure and function of our brains-even into old age'. He attributes to this neuro-plasticity. The author suggests from well documented stories that the architecture of the brain can change, from real stories of full recovery of people who suffered from stroke and paralysis, including a woman who could function well although she had only one half of brain.

During my thirty five years in neuro-developmental practice, I too can now recollect  some instances of almost full recovery of children who suffered from Infantile Hemiplegia.

I was stopped by a young man in an air port sometime back with a question, 'Are you Dr. Mathew of Ashirvad?'. I turned to greet him and had no recollection of having met him. He remembered him being brought to Ashirvad Child Development and Research Centre, Chennai by his parents for his hemiplegia on the right side, till he was about seven years, when his parents relocated in Delhi. He recalled from what he heard from his parents that he was making gradual recovery over those five years or so he was visiting us at Chennai. He talked  about  remarkable and incremental recovery since he took to swimming, playing piano and cricket. Now he is a computer engineer working with THE Microsoft in the USA. There was noting of a residual limitation I could make out, from his speech, movement or co-ordination. 

There are other stories of children, equally impressive to suggest neuro-plasticity as a reality. 

An infant from six weeks of age has been visiting me regularly with her parents, with hemiplegia. I have noticed many objective parameters of recovery beyond the benefits of physical therapy, which she is undergoing during the last three months.

No child is likely to stay disadvantaged neuro-developmentally after suffering from a neuro-developmental insult.  

I am tempted to believe that, an enabled and confident child overcomes his challenges better. 

Let me introduce this book for  leisurely reading, to help us to believe in the resilience of our brain. 

M.C.Mathew( text and photo)              

Pets and children

Anna and I visited an aqua exhibition of ornamental fish, where about one hundred twenty varieties of fish were on display. Each tank had one type of fish with a description about each of them. Although it was not a well attended exhibition, those who visited the exhibition was most appreciative of its educational value from two press reports I read in the news paper.  It was certainly a visual treat to children. Two families, who visited the exhibition, mentioned to me that they decided to buy an aquarium on the persuasion of their children, after visiting the exhibition. 

Let me recommend having a table top aquarium for families where there are young children. Of all the pets we can have at home, it is the fish that takes least of our attention and care and  yet most conducive to activate children into creative instincts.   

Let me suggest three reasons for this.

1.Younger children are curious, exploratory and observant. The ornamental fish and their aquatic life is fascinating to watch. It enhances visual observational skills and allows children to follow the life cycle of the fish. There will be births and deaths, which in itself introduces them to realities of life that they can get introduced to in a non-threatening setting. The habit of feeding the fish every day,  areating the tank, cleaning the tank and changing the water periodically are good learning exercises and initial experiences  in accepting responsibilities for children. They learn a lot about a world of aquatic life on their own by accessing books and the internet. 

I know of people getting excited about the life of voyage in the sea, through the learning experiences of having an  aquarium at home, and later choosing a professional training to procure a sailing job.

2. Most children are on the 'go', often. With changes in modern life style, most children are used to activities or performances which have faster pace and rhythm. Their attention lasts as long as the activity has 'instant' fulfilment. Some children give up activities which test their patience. The computer games, play stations, watching animations, etc are the commonest sought after activities of younger children that they are at risk of losing the art of observing, interpreting, creating or caring. The slow and elegant movement of the fish in water is good visual stimulus  to children to 'slow down pace' to grow in skills of appreciation and application. 

In fact psychologist have found that there is a growing interest to use aquarium and dolphenarium and dogs as therapeutic resources in therapy of children with attention deficit and autistic behaviour. I have found from my experience that some children benefit by being less restless and more communicative from this form of therapy.  

3. It is an introduction to the world of animals that many children would need early in life,  to have a sound and healthy attitude and approach towards them later in life. Many children are afraid of pets such as dogs or cats and this fear seems to continue into adulthood. A systematic and ongoing orientation is needed from early childhood for children to grow up with a relational view towards pets, animals,etc. Such a journey of education of the environment can begin with having a small aquarium at home, which is often fascinating and captivating for most children. 

I have had much dialogue with families about creating opportunities for children to choose some hobbies. I am delighted by the increasing awareness among parents to consider including pets to augment the childhood environment at home. 

Anna and I miss the 'love birds' we have had for fifteen years at our home at CMC Campus, Vellore, which attracted children regularly to our home in the evenings. The birds greeted and sang to us when we stood watching them outside their wooden house. We are happy that it has become an attraction at Snehadeepam, a retreat centre at Vellore.   

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)            

Time and 'times'

The chronology of time, which is referred to, as chronos,  is a 24 hour rhythm globally. We have a defined time in the calendar of a day and night to complete what we desire to do. This is the realm, where we have enough guidelines on the 'management of time', most of which are valuable to help us to go through life leisurely, at a pace that we are most comfortable with. In fact what adds colour to the daily living is the sense of fulfilment we draw from the feeling of having spent the day 'well'.

The time has another dimension of Kairos (Greek word meaning right or opportune or supreme moment). 

A family who dropped in to visit me last week mentioned an incident which made me aware of this dimension. The neighbour was bothering them over a property boundary, which has been a pending dispute for fifteen years over which the relationship had broken down. It was mainly one person in the other family who was most indifferent to settle the dispute. He received the news of  a well deserved promotion which was pending for too long. This family visited the neighbour to congratulate and wish him well in his new assignment. At the end of this visit, he broke down and said, 'let us be friends as before'. 

The family used a pleasant occasion to reach out to bridge a relationship that needed attention. This became an opportune time for the delight of both the families. To discern a moment to make it an opportune time, we need grace of understanding and promptness of response.

The third dimension of time is, thronos, which adds the dimension of beyondness. Time is never ending till the the 'fullness of time'. This infuses into our consciousness the reality that God has set 'eternity in our hearts'. We are people of today and tomorrow. We are called to live fully and abundantly each day and yet all that we experience can only be one side of 'all that God has kept in store for those who love Him'. We cannot contextualise everything to an 'existential' reality, although that is what is apparent to all of us each day. The temporal is temporary and we are invited to a hope, that is 'everlasting'. 

It is this awareness, which a child brought home to me, when he said, 'I am glad that I can see with one eye'. He transcended difficulties and disappointment over the loss of sight in one eye, following an injury sustained during a cricket game. 

Let us celebrate time because it is pregnant with meaning and direction in our lives!   

M.C.Mathew( text and photo)   

Endearing communication

This is one of the pictures, I like to use to highlight the communication process between parents and young children.

The mother is reaching out to her son and the son is reaching out to his mother.

There are at least three messages we can pick up from this meeting between the mother and the child.

First is the look, where the eyes meet and exchange affection and joy. An engaging look draws the two into intimacy and trust. The look although  a physical activity evokes emotion, attachment and feelings of nearness.

Secondly, it is the way they are positioned- the mother with her flexed neck looking towards her son and the child lifting the head and looking at his mother. This position has a metaphorical meaning. Every parent has to reach out to the level of the child and it is then a child is enabled to bridge the gap that separates the two because of age, experience, understanding, etc. It is  along journey for any parent to be on this habit of connecting with the child and it is spontaneous for a child to reciprocate. Some children take longer time to respond and some do inconsistently. However this parent initiated engagement of infants and toddlers through play, verbal communication, physical intimacy, and occasions to build sense of belonging are foundational for the social and emotional maturity of young children.

The third is the way the child holds his hands during this engagement of communication. Most children are 'possessive'. They seek for private times with each parent. They communicate it by crying to be carried; showing restlessness to be played with, conveying anxiety by crying when taken to an unfamiliar public place or insisting on the proximity and presence of parents. These are transitional needs of infants and toddlers. These needs are inherent to their developmental evolution. When these needs are not met, they may eat less, sleep less, play less or show signs of irritability and social discomfort.  

A child may engage oneself in self play, watching TV, etc. They are lesser valuable substitutes to dynamic and effective communication between young children and parents in a leisurely and playful environment.

M.C.Mathew(text photo)             

'Designers and decorators'

These three young men attracted my attention when they were engaged in painting the premises I was to join for work. All the three wanted to hear from me every day something about the place and its use. I was glad that they were interested to know of what it was to become after the painting was over.

Two weeks later, the place was ready to welcome children for short stay for different neuro-developmental activities to improve their skills and abilities.

A week later these three painters came to visit, on an afternoon to have a look at the place and watch the activities in the place. They stayed for over an hour observing, listening to parents, playing with children and getting to know more about the purpose of such a facility for children with neuro-developmental challenges.

As we sat down over a cup of coffee, I enquired of them the purpose of their visit. Each of them shared their experiences of preparing the place to welcome children. It was the first time, they said, that they realized that painters are 'designers' and 'decorators'. They noticed that children used the place to play, interact and made themselves at home. They were glad that they contributed to create such a facility which children found interesting explore. They were painters, who valued their work and delighted in their work for the sake of serving others.

I met them one more time recently by chance. They talked about their experiences since then and showed me some pictures in their mobile of places they completed painting. They offered to come and help if I was planning any facility for children.

Every job is for a mission. When the St. Paul's cathedral in London was rebuilt after the second world war, there were labourers those who saw it as a manual job where as some others visualized it as a calling to make a 'house of God for worshippers'.

It is now six months since Anna and I have been at this place. We ask ourselves, 'What is our mission'?

A visitor helped us to be even more focussed on this question. He said, 'by being here, show the way'. That has intensified the mystery of the purpose our presence even more. With more younger people dropping in to have conversations, we get a sense of how we can stay in touch with others.

I wish, Anna and I  could say, 'to be present fully is our mission'!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)